August 26

Hey papa. Been away a few days. How you been? Did you get much accomplished? Me and mom have talked. She seems OK. She misses you so much. Told me the other day she's having a hard time with things some days and finds herself crying. I told her it's OK to cry. We gotta deal with the grief or it will eat us up. I know, cuz it's been eating me alive. I'm still crying, every day. I see a picture of you, smell a smell that reminds me of you, think of how things used to be and should be and start crying. At times, I think Shaun understands and others I think he's tired of all the tears. The other night when I was convinced mom hated me, I bawled like a baby and he comforted me for a little bit and then said, 'why don't you take a nap'.. like a nap will solve all this? I've been sleeping a lot this past few days. You know I'm not one to sleep so much. I'm usually up with the sun and go, go all day long. My friend had me take these online tests to see if I'm depressed. All of them I took said, Seek professional help. Oy. I think they were all rigged. He asked me if I answered yes to do I feel worthless and wish I was dead questions and well, yeah, I said yeah. Cuz I have lately. Last night, before I went to bed I looked to see if I could find someone to talk to. Just to feed my own curiosity and to see what I could find. I found some but don't figure I can afford to talk to anyone. I called Hospice. They offer free grief counseling, well, they have group meetings that are free. I'm not sure if it costs to talk to someone one on one. I talked to someone named Susan. She seems nice. I'm gonna see what my schedule is gonna be like next week and then maybe meet with her. I guess it's time daddy. Time I start figuring out all these feelings and how to not cry so much. Not that I don't think you aren't worth the tears but all the tears in the world aren't bringing you back to me. I wish you could come back. Everyone says that you are in a better place and that it was just 'your time' but I don't so much agree. OK, yeah, you're not hurting anymore and you're not dizzy anymore but I don't think it was 'your time'. I know you always told me that when it was time God punched your ticket and you were gonna get to ride on that long black train. Well, I wanna ride too. I miss you dad. Mom misses you. I'm sure the boys and all your friends do too. Gonna go for now. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3