December 30

Hey papa!! My last post of 2011. I just wanted to stop by and say hey before we get to 2012. There are days that I still can't believe you are really not here. It's been 561 days since you went away. 80 weeks that we haven't got the joy of seeing you or hearing your laughter or felt your hugs or seen your smile. 13,540 hours since our last phone conversation and I can still remember everything we talked about and the last words we said to each other.  Yes sir.. I MISS YOU!!! I know mom does too. I'm guessing we aren't any closer to getting your case settled and I so wish we were. To give mom some peace and some closure. I know most days she is strong but she still has her days she misses you so much all she can do is cry. I totally understand that. Some days I'm just in a funk and can't get you outta my head. I think when I go to work in the mornings and there is a full moon, it's you shining down on me - letting me know that you miss me too. I like to think that anyway, true or not. Helps me cope a little I guess.
Tomorrow your #1 grandson turns 18. Can't believe it daddy. Time has FLOWN by. He's grown up to be quite a wonderful young man, but you know that. Thank you for all your guidance through the years with him. I'm honored that you got to be a part of his life for 16 years. You were such a wonderful grandpa, as fine a grandpa as you were my dad. You seemed to change from the grizzly bear you were to a docile cub almost when he came along. I still remember the silence on the phone when mom called you from the hospital to tell you he was here and what his name was. "It was written on his umbilical cord" she said.. :) He has your eye and hair color and I think he got his stubborness from both you and Shaun. I'm not sure what the next chapter of his life will be but I'm sorry you're not gonna get here to be a part of it, as least physically. I know Rob still thinks of you and misses you. He said the other day that it's nice to get cards from grandma but just not the same with your name not there. So true.
With 2012 coming I'm not going to waste my time saying that I'm gonna resolve to this or that cuz I never stick to it. I have no stick-to-it-ness.. but I can at least try to change some things in my life hopefully. Of course, one of them will be my weight. Sick of being the size I am, even though Shaun says there is nothing wrong with me.  I just stopped doing anything, hell, caring period when we lost you.  I was making some progress and thankfully haven't had that much a gain back but also unfortunately no loss either. I guess I'm to a point where I have to try again so, gonna give it another go. Wish me good mojo pops. Also gonna see what I can do about getting a better paying job or just more money coming in, whether I take a 2nd job or Shaun gets one (quit laughing). We're also talking about moving after Rob graduates. Idk where yet. We've talked about going back to Kansas, if Shaun could get the OK to drive a truck from the Dr. We've talked about us team driving. I'm sure I could do it but I am a bit intimidated by those big trucks. We thought Kansas so if Rob needed something he would be closer to family (that would help him) if we were out of town. We've also talked about moving to Florida. Some place in the middle. Away from Orlando but close enough if we got jobs at Disney.. dreaming, I know.. not near his mom though. I don't really care, just as long as we are together. Moving to FL brings it's own problems cuz it would hurt mom's feelings if we moved farther away and if something happened to her I'd be even farther away. I know, even if I was in El Dorado something could happen to her. We've also talked about just staying around here. I'm not sure where or what will be do but we will do much thinking and praying about it before we do it.
I'm on Shaun's computer and he is lurking and pacing so I guess I better go. I love you dad. Miss you too. Hope your New Year's Eve is quiet as you and mom always liked them. I will be in bed promptly at 9pm that night cuz I have to work on the 1st so I will say hello to 2012 when I wake up at 430am. Love you!!! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

December 23

Hey papa.. today is Brian's birthday. Your #1 son. I know he'll say it's just another day. I guess when you get older your birthday doesn't just mean as much as it did when you were a kid. No one seems to really care or remember.. that's how it seems for me anyway.. on my birthdays. But I'm hoping he can find something to make him just a little bit happy today. Shaun always says, it's your day and your job to make it special.. easier said then done I can testify to that. Mom's was last Saturday. I'm sure if you were here you woulda treated her like the queen she is. I hate being so far from her. I guess she's found another place she likes in Illinois.. went up over the weekend a couple weeks ago and signed the papers for it. I kinda got on to her cuz none of us kids knew she was driving all the way up there.. what if something had happened to her?! I know she's grown and can do what she wants but still.. I worry about her.  I guess Brian is having a lot of hard times. He said he's losing his house. I feel bad for him cuz even though it's a 'cracker box'.. it's his cracker box plus he's helped me out in so many ways through the years with money and we can't help him now when he needs it. The new company he drives for I guess pays nothing much and he's struggling to make his bills. I can totally understand that.. that's us, like, always.. you feel so helpless and the ends never quite meet. He fallen behind on his house payments and pays what he can and they won't accept it cuz it's not the full payment so I guess he's gonna just give up. He said Tanja's parents were going to come pack him up and help him find a place to put his things. He said something about he and mom are talking about him taking over your house when mom moves to Illinois. He said if that happens maybe he can get some of his stuff down there now, like one of his fish tanks. I don't know if mom even wants a fish tank in her house. Like she needs something else to do. I don't know if mom is really giving him the house or what but I guess it makes sense.. if he can make the payments and takes care of it. She and I haven't talked about it and that's fine too. This is between her and Brian. Richard and his family have their own lives there in Derby and we are here, even though we will be looking for a place in April.. but still, we know we're not moving back to Kansas any time soon, if ever. I would like to be closer to mom but I still don't know what the future holds for us. I just know I'm sick of moving. We aren't going to renew our lease when it's up.. our landlord sux and does nothing for us. We have things that have been broken or needed attention for months that we can't get him to come or send someone reliable to tend to them. It's merely just a place to stay.. not a home.
In other news from my world.. work is going OK I guess. We have this girl there that I can not stand. You know that I usually can warm up to about anyone but this heifer is something else dad. She's an instigator and lies and whines and I don't know dad.. I just hate her. My schedule gets screwed up cuz she's not getting the days/hours she wants and I have to play nice so I don't lose my job but you can bet I don't wanna play nice. I only talk to her if I absolutely have to but mostly walk away when she talks to me. I take her orders to her and she says thank you and I say go to hell as I walk away...not loud enough to be heard but still.. helps me get through the day. :) She just does all this childish crap and is lazy. Stands around with her hands in her pockets or eating food she didn't pay for or texting someone and she's a master cashier dad!! I just don't get it. I busted my hump to get that position and work hard all day and she does nothing and nothing is said to her.  She'll do just what she has to do to seem busy when the higher ups are around but then does nothing after they leave and the mgr lets her get away with it cuz she'll go to the higher up and complain and then he comes down on the manager about it. Plus she's dating Don, Shaun's brother, that makes it all the more annoying. It's just childish high school BS. Sure makes me wanna find another job. I had a time when me and Donna didn't get along but now her and I are a lot closer then we were and talk all the time. No, I don't see that EVER happening with me and Melanie. Everyone tells me give it time and the BS will blow over but daddy, this field is FULL of cow pies that I don't see blowing away anytime soon.. even the manager told me yesterday she regrets letting her transfer to our store. OK.. next subject...  our niece, Stephanie, called the other night crying that her dad had told her he wants her out of his house and she didn't have any place to go. She's 18. She wanted to know if we'd let her come here or if maybe Judy would let her come down to Florida for a little while. I don't see her going to FL cuz when Steph came a few yrs ago she ended up staying at our house cuz Judy couldn't handle her. Judy and Laurie, her mom, are telling us to steer clear of it and let things just chill out at home, that Steph is a liar and lazy and we don't know what we're in for if we take her in. But dad, she's family. Shaun worries if we take her in if she's going to be lazy like they say and if she comes how long will she be here. He wants her to understand that she's not coming for just a few weeks.. it's gonna be for a while and she's going to pull her weight. She has this boyfriend she's gaga about and he worries that she will be constantly upset about being away from him. We need to talk to Stephanie's dad to get the real story and find out what is really going on. If it's drama or fact before we make any decisions. I just don't know if we can talk to him.
Boo will be 18 next week dad. Can you believe it? I wish you were here. I'm so thankful that you were able to be here for his 16th birthday, it meant so much. Who knew it would be the last one we shared. Mom helped me and we went in together to get him a really kewl present.. he's gonna be so excited. Just hope he takes care of it and doesn't lose it. Can't tell you what it is just in case he should read this. ;)   Got the bill the other day for his graduation supplies.. in five months he will graduating from high school.. time has FLOWN by. Wish sometimes he was that cute little ornery 5 year old he use to be and we were just starting out but I'm also thankful and so proud of the young man he's becoming. He has so many dreams and I wanna see him go after every one he truly wants. We discussed him going to mom's after graduation for a few months.. probably the summer... unless he finds a job there that he wants to keep. Mom is gonna let him work at her store.. well, not work.. but still.. get his feet wet in the working world. I think if anyone can teach him anything about doing a job properly it's mom. I don't think you get to be manager just cuz no one else wants to do it. She knows her stuff and she can teach him a thing or two. She can also teach him the ins and outs of money. I'll have to talk to her about that.. hmm. Well.. I'm rambling again.. I love you so much dad. Miss you so much too.. miss our talks, our phone calls.. Christmas is just a couple days away. Hope your cabin by the lake is all decorated and warm. If I could wish for anything for Christmas, I'd wish for you to come back.. but you get to spend Christmas with Jesus himself and that's way kewl. I miss you dad. I love you. (big forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3