June 17

1826 days since you had to say See you Later. I was hoping to make it thru the day tear free but didn't make it. I made mom something real special. I sent it today. I'll let you know what she says. Didn't do much today, after I mailed mom's package I worked on a curtain for Joe. Making it out of scraps from his quilt. I'll finish it tomorrow. Just hanging with Joe now watching a movie. I miss you so much. I wish 5 years ago hadn't happened but God took you for a reason even though we don't know what it is. I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

June 15

Hi papa. In 2 days it'll be 5 years since you had to go. In that time a lot has changed. Some ways for the better, some ways not so...you having to go was the worst. I wanted to crawl in your casket n go with you. Definitely crushed my heart losing you. Took a while to heal n in ways it'll never fully heal. The pain of losing you never goes away. We've all experienced a lot of loss. Mom, her best friend n confidante, the home she shared with you (I think she had to, to heal)...us kids, a great father n friend. Personally, I lost my house, jobs (I quit them), Shaun (bad n good loss), my relationship with Rob (that was a group effort)...but I've gained a wonderful husband that truly loves me, a different perspective on life - how very precious it is, to tell the ones you love you love them. Always. To not take things so seriously, auntie's perspective to not sweat the small stuff cuz frankly it's all small stuff..Joe goes by that too. :) I'm happy again n being happy feels great cuz I thought my life was always gonna be what it was. (Dull n boring, mundane, constantly stressful n feeling like my life was at a dead end.) I feel at peace being with Joe n I'm always happy to come home after work, I used to hate to leave work cuz I knew S would be in a mood or put me in one. I still to this day don't understand why you had to go but one sweet day you n I will be able to sit down together again n you can explain it all to me. I always thought you were immortal, wished to the heavens you were. You were my hero, I looked up to you n yes, thought you walked on water. I know you weren't perfect but you were to me. This time of year is still a little hard for me but I'm doing ok daddy. I know you walk with me n watch over us. I still feel you around n see you at times too...in the smile of some customer that comes in, or when I see an old guy wearing overalls, plaid shirt n ball cap. The smell of diesel fuel still makes me smile, crazy I know. Joe is taking good care of your baby girl. Sometimes I think he gets tired of hearing me talk about how wonderful you were but no part of me cares if it does although it does hurt my feelings some. He didn't have the relationship with his parents as I did/do so I don't think he really gets it. Idk. 

I don't know what I'll do Wednesday to remember you, I was hoping to have lunch with Brian but he's not gonna be this way. Or maybe go up n see mom but don't have the time or money. Joe has to work..so idk...I'll think of something. Just don't wanna spend the week crying about it as I did years past. Losing you certainly wasn't a happy time but I also know you wouldn't want us to continue crying about losing you but to be happy n smile about the wonderful memories we created together n I promise I'll do my best, even though in this moment my chin is quivering n I'm fighting to keep the tears in. I love you daddy so much. Miss you every day. (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. 

June 1

Hi papa. It's been a minute since I've last messaged you. All is well. I'm no longer at Bilo but it's all good. I'm working at a place called Zaxby's now. It's a chicken wing place but they sell other stuff chicken related. I was just beyond miserable at Bilo n something had to change. Just got to my breaking point n walked out. Zaxby's is alright so far. They have a lot of crazy rules n methods but I guess that's what makes it work. It's the cleanest place I've ever worked, one of the busiest too. The place is always busy, from the minute it opens. Not getting bookoo hours but I'm employed n for that I'm thankful. Joe got promoted to mgr at his work, finally. I'm so proud of him. He looks so good in his mgr shirt. He's still getting trained but pretty much knows what he's doing. 

I don't really know much. Shaun told me he's got emphysema. Idk if I should be sad or what I'm to feel. All the years of smoking n not taking care of himself caught up with him. Rob has already told me he's going to stay with Judy when S does pass. Hurts my feelings but Rob is an adult now n I can't make him do anything. Rob is still working at the college, should be getting full time hours soon. Then he'll be able to take some classes for free. That'll be cool if he goes thru with it. 

Mom is doing OK I suppose. She just got back home from visiting Kansas. Guess she saw the usual ppl, most of them. Spent time with Richard. He's still a pompous ass. He told mom he doesn't talk to me cuz I put my nose in his business. Fuck that. Like his life is that secret n special. As if. What he fails to realize is I don't give a crap what's going on with him n his life. And he fails to understand life is too short to be a dick n let stupid shit keep you apart from family. I don't wanna be 'in his business', I just wanna talk to my brother again. Bully for him, he bought a house. So what. He could at least be civil n say hello, how ya been. It's fine, really. He stopped talking to me years ago, I should just accept it n move on. I told mom best I can do is be related to him. She wants us kids to get along n all that but it's kinda hard when Richard has this high n mighty shit don't stink my life is so private n important and I'm more entitled than the other two attitude. Fuck that. Who needs him. I do have a brother, his name is Brian and I love him dearly. I've seen bubby a few times this year, which is good. He gets this way more often it seems.      

I found this yummy peanut butter pie recipe he loves, you'd have loved it too. But when he comes we make several n he takes them back with him to his work n he sells them. His boss loves it too. Me n Joe jokingly said we should make pies n go thru truck stop parking lots n sell them. Give the drivers a bite of home. Apple, cherry, chocolate, peanut butter, coconut. Just little ones, like 5 or 6 inch pies. But we'll probably never do it. I'd never do it by myself. Don't know much else, in 16 days it'll be 5 years since you left us. Five long years. How I wish I was sending you messages like a do with mom n you'd respond. I miss you daddy. There's days I could really use one of your bear hugs. I miss those. I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.