October 23

Hey Papa.. Its been a long week. There's drama going on at work that apparently I'm a part of.. or the subject of. No sir, I didn't start it. Tell you about that in a minute. Let's see. Since last week...Shaun is no longer being the butt he was. Don't know if his meds have kicked in or he has realized the error of his ways. Not likely, huh? He tries and he does love me, about all I can ask for. 

Now the drama. There is this Fugly woman, and yes I mean FUGLY, at work that is upset that I am trying to get master cashier and that I haven't been there that long. What business is it of hers?! I went on Tuesday and tried to take the test and she started an argument with Deanna, the boss, telling her that it's not right I come in on my day off and take the test. That I don't have enough experience, I'm rude to the customers..which you know I would never be. That I act like I know everything, who says I'm acting?! Oh, daddy!! She just makes me so mad I wanna punch the last 2 teeth, literally, she has in her head down her throat!! The whole thing started over the fact that me and one other girl have .25 more hrs then her on this week's schedule. I kid you not! And she brought up another girl's name in the argument and that girl was working and overheard and said some things and quit right before lunch rush. Donna is just ridiculous and should be fired!! None of any of this is any of her business and the manager should tell her so but doesn't. It's like the inmates are running the asylum! She doesn't like me so she doesn't talk to me, that doesn't bug me but it does bug me when I need something from the cook, her.. and she snaps at me or comes back with some snide comment. Shaun told me to just ignore her, to be bigger than the problem and just do my job. He's right and I am trying but makes the day so stressful and frustrating to be treated like that. I think I will talk to the manager when I get a chance. She won't be back until Monday though. 

I went for an interview at Toys R Us and they turned me down. Don't even know why. It was a group interview and we did all these dumb games then the managers went out and talked and one came back in and called names and I was the last name called and we were dismissed. It was a bummer cuz I really need some extra money. I told myself that it just isn't where God wants me. I prayed on the way that if it was His will to let me get the job, if not that's kewl too.. so it's kewl. 

I miss you so much dad. I watched a movie a little while ago called Hachi: A Dog's Tale. It was so good. You woulda enjoyed it. It made me cry at the end of it. The man dies and the dog still shows up every day at 5pm to meet him from the train for the next 10 years. It just made me think of you and Snick. I was thinking he must do the same thing. Every time mom comes in at night from work, he could be thinking, "maybe dad will be with her this time".. just made me bawl thinking that. Mom said that he knows that your room is his now. She says he goes right in and goes to bed at night now. I told her that maybe you are in there waiting for him. 

Still going to group. Not sure how or if it's helping me. This next week we're supposed to take stuff that reminds us of our loved one. I'm going to take the video I made. I'm gonna cry, I know. But I wanna share it. Easier to show something then to have to talk. I always cry when I talk at group. 

It's just about my bedtime. I have to work at 6. I hate the weekends. I haven't had a weekend off since I started this job. I guess I should just be thankful I'm working but I hate getting up so early on the weekends. Guess I'm gonna go. Thanks for listening again. You were always the best listener and so easy to talk to. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

October 15

Hey Papa.. I thought a lot about you this week. I think about you all the time. I wonder what you would be doing. If you and the preacher would be planning trips to where ever he needed to go. If you and mama would be planning a trip here for your fall trip. You guys were supposed to come down sometime this year. You'd come and tinker around in my garage and sharpen my knives and tease Rob and I'd just be glad that you guys were here with us and never want you to leave, like always. I think about the last time you were here.. in May when you brought me home. When you hugged me before I went to bed, I knew you would slip out in the night cuz you didn't wanna see me cry as you left. I wouldn't have let you go if I had only known. I still think it was all part of the plan, His plan. Even though 4 months and a week later, I still don't understand why you had to go. That last road trip together, those last few precious moments and hours together. You not feeling good and unable to drive as much as you wanted, the stuff we talked about. There are still days I think that if I went away that no one would care. You always got me and I could always talk to you about anything. I miss that. I loved you so big, I think that's why it hurts so much to have lost you. Why it's so hard for me to accept and come to grips with things. We had something really special, I always have cherished it and loved the bond you and I had. Different from the way you were with the boys. Mom would always say, your father can do no wrong, right? Oh, I knew you had flaws but I didn't see them and I don't think you saw mine. God I miss you dad!! I have this ache inside of me, this emptiness and sadness inside of me. When does the healing start? When does time start healing this wound? Oh, the crap ppl say when you are grieving. Some of it is so insensitive! Went to talk to Susan today, she said that losing someone so profound to me, to my life, has to have an impact on how I live the rest of my life. She's right. I was telling her how I have lost joy in anything I used to do. Reading, quilting, exercising, just about everything. She said it's going to take time to find that joy, those things I used to enjoy enjoyable again but just embrace the journey and try my best right now.  I keep telling myself I have to keep going for Rob. I can't give up on life cuz I can't give up on Rob. I think how it would devastate him to see his mom wilt away. Part of me wants to just stay in bed and shut out the world, part of me screams that I have to function, have to go on, keep keeping on. That you wouldn't want us to stop our lives, living, cuz you had to go. I've had 2 ppl ask me in 2 days why I got back together with Shaun. I don't really know THE answer but I do know that I love him. I got back with him then cuz I knew Rob's teen years were coming and he would/could benefit from having his dad around. I got back with him cuz I missed him, missed what we were--in happier times. Not that we aren't happy but I get the brunt of the blame when things don't go right for him. Huh? He says that I'm always mad at him, well yeah! He does jack nothing and that's my fault? I stay cuz this is my house and for Rob wanting to finish school here and cuz there is nothing in Kansas for us except mom and you. I stay cuz I hope that Shaun will wake up and see what he does to me. How much he puts on me with making me responsible for the bills getting paid, and setting up his meds and keeping the house clean. That is beyond me.. he does nothing all day but I come home and have to cook and clean. He's got it made, don't he?! When I throw it back in his face he gets defensive and finds a reason as to why he can't do this or that. All roads usually lead to he was tired or his back hurt or his mom asked him to do something and he's just worn out. As I tell you this, it's like looking in a mirror and realizing that this is my life. The monster I've created. But I'm too scared to start over again and part of me doesn't want to and doesn't think I need to start over.. I just need to get Shaun to help out, to change. He has no motivation to do anything. The dr told him this is something I can't do for him, find his motivation. He has to want to. But yeah, I do take care of him to the point that he probably asks why should he have to do anything when I'm going to get mad and do it myself anyway. Susan says I have a right to be mad at Shaun right now. She thinks that Shaun is like raising another child. She said that she fears for me cuz she thinks Shaun is emotionally abusing me and taking me for granted. I don't know. I guess I'm numb to it so I don't see it like that. I see it as, that's Shaun, who Shaun is, how he's always been. He loves me, you know that and so do I and I know he would do anything for me but yeah a lot falls on me and yeah, it's not fair. But life isn't fair, right? He has his moments of being the Shaun I fell in love with. She said that from what she hears that he doesn't respect or value what I think or feel. That I'm expected to do things cuz Shaun knows I will. The laundry, cooking, his meds, things I need Shaun to do but he doesn't. There is a book she wants me to read about boundaries. She thinks it will help me establish some with Shaun but I don't think it will. When I say anything to him, when I try to get him to see what he does he gets defensive and shuts down. Always turns things around and usually ends up saying that he's sh!t. I don't think he is but I do think he is lazy and does put quite a lot on my plate when I'm still dealing with losing you and so much other stuff. I've used my voice but no matter how loud I roar it's not being heard. Makes me wonder what it's gonna take for him to hear it. Send me something dad, some oomph to light that fire under Shaun before I lose myself and my sanity. I've thought about saying to heck with it and moving myself back to Kansas but it always turns back to I can't leave Robbie. That child is the air that I breathe. He is so kind hearted and such a good son. He loves me with his whole heart. The other day, they were getting ready to go some where and Shaun had been an ass and we hadn't talked for like 2 days and Rob hugs me goodbye and I just started sobbing. He just held me and let me cry. Asked me what was wrong, I told him nothing and everything. I think I've done a good job raising him, what do you think? Yes, even though he's lazy sometimes.. he's still a good boy. He's my heart.

So that word, trust.. not sure how it's working for me this week. Guess I can only trust the process and hope that I'm gonna come out of this alive and still mentally intact. Mom and I have been tossing around the idea of her converting the garage into a place for her when she retires. It would be uber kewl if it happens!! She wants me to get measurements and talk to the zoning office and all this stuff.. I think it will be great and want her with us but I worry if she would be happy here. Happy, away from all the friends she has in Kansas. Her clients she does books for, her life.  I told her that I will take time off work and come help her get things squared away there when/if it happens but I don't know if she could really leave Kansas. She's been there a lifetime.. 32 years. I just want her to be happy. She needs some happy. Heck, we all need some happy but mom especially does. I worry for her papa. I worry that I'm gonna get a call from one of her friends or employees telling me mom had a stroke or something. It would really make my world upside down if something happens to her.   She was also telling me this week that USD 490 bought the field across from your house and are gonna build a new middle school there. Yep.. there goes the neighborhood!! I told her you'd be mad about that. They can't just leave well enough alone, can they? And what about the turkeys?? Guess I need to go see what is going on. Only about 4 more hours till bedtime. Another long weekend working. I'm grateful I have a job to complain about but the 10 hr days wipe me out! I love you papa bear..be with mama and all of us.. let us feel you there. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

October 11

Hey papa. Today was certainly a Monday. Had the district supervisor there and a manager trainee and them and my manager all telling us what we need to do. The district supervisor told me today that I'm doing a great job and that I have an excellent work ethic and I take good care of the customers but if I'm wanting to take the next step I have to bring my bubbly out. Ugh.. I have no bubbly in me!! I'm not a bubbly person. At least, I sure haven't been in a long time. I have to be someone I'm not to get the job I want, seems kinda crazy to me. I guess I need to work on it cuz I keep hearing it from employers. Meh.. just not in a bubbly mood but I need to find it cuz I HAVE to get the promotion to master cashier. Man, I'd be soooo upset if I got all the testing done and went to get certified and couldn't cuz I wasn't bubbly enough. Then before I left today, the DS asks me if our manager Ben had said anything inappropriate or in a sexual nature to me. I told him no. But did tell him about that incident a couple weeks ago. He made me write down what I told him and sign it. Upset me cuz I don't wanna be part of getting Ben in trouble, but I think he's done a pretty good job of that all on his own. As a person, Ben is OK but as a manager he sucks. He's never focused on what is going on. It's like he is physically there but not mentally.

Got home from work and Shaun was gone, he was at his mom's working on the pool. Getting it closed for the season. Whoop-tee-doo!! So I was here by myself. Just wanted to tell him about my day but he wasn't here. I had to go to group so didn't get to see him until I got back from it and he was in a grumpy mood cuz his back is hurting from working on the pool. Didn't ask me how my day was, give me a hug or nothing. Hurt my feelings cuz I hadn't seen him all day. I had to work at 6am so I had to leave early this morning and he was snoring when I left.

Tonight group was ok. Getting so, I dont know what about it, cuz I had to tell my story again cuz there was another new guy. I just said, I lost my dad on June 17 due to an auto accident. Didn't want to go into any more details then that. Seems like I'm just there filling a space in the room. 3 of the ladies talked all night. What happened to equal time? Not that I necessarily wanted to talk but I certainly don't wanna hear them tell the same thing they've told for the past 2 weeks, yet again. I know, bad attitude. Before we left she had us take these ceramic hearts that had words on them, out of a bag and turn them over so we couldn't see them until we all got one. We had to tell what our word was and use it somehow.. like, what the word meant to you.  I got "trust." Makes me think, Trust.. that you are OK... that mama is going to be OK.. that God is gonna get us all through this.. that we will somehow, some day come out on the other side of this and laugh again and remember you with a smile and not tears. (that's gonna take a LONG time).. trust that we have friends and ppl to talk to when we are feeling sad, or just need to talk. We're supposed to take the word and hold it in our hearts this week and see how it works for us. Trust. So I will see how it works for me. 

I probably better get to bed. Been up since 430. I'm tired papa bear. I miss you so much. I know I woulda called you today to tell you about my crappy day and you would've listened. Well, thanks for listening now. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3

October 7

Hey papa. 112 days today since you've been gone. 16 weeks. 16 weeks!!!!! Where did the time go? How have 4 months gone by already?! I miss you so much! So very much!! Yes sir, still crying every day. 112 days. If someone had told me that you could cry every day I'd tell them they were crazy but it's true, you can and I have. Some days its just a few tears, others it's a flood. I just wanna talk to you, see you, hug you, hear how your day is going. I know mama misses you lots more then me. I was thinking about how, as a family, we've kinda gone our own ways and we're dealing with things in our own ways. I haven't talked to Richard at all since August and barely even then. I think he only talked to me cuz he knew that's what mom wanted. Me and Brian have only talked twice since August but me and mama talk  every day, if you call texting her good morning talking. I think losing you has affected us all in different ways and not for the better. I'm able to function and get through my day but once I'm home and alone, I cry. I think about you and cry. I think about mama, her being alone, and cry. You guys were perfect for each other. The perfect complement to the other. I knew that losing you would be hard but I never imagined it would be this hard.  A part of me died when you did. I have a much bigger I Don't Care way of thinking. My tolerance for BS has gotten shorter. About everything annoys me these days. I don't know if that is cuz of losing you or if I've just gotten to that point in my life. I think we all get there. Sometimes things happen that just get you there sooner.

Anyhoo.. enough of that for now. Tuesday was Makayla's 4th birthday. Mom went to her birthday dinner last night. She said it was OK. Makayla is getting so big. She looks like Richard, I think. She's so cute. Brian is interested in a lady from Australia and says he's also talking to one from Canada. Seriously, there are women in the USA that he could "date".. he says that American women aren't bright enough for him. That's kinda calling the kettle black, wouldn't you say papa? Mom has been keeping busy with books and school. She told me that Snick is now using your room as his. She took him in there the other night and told him good night and he slept in there all night and she finally got a decent night's sleep. I think he's been acting the way he has cuz he misses you. I think he is still grieving for you. He probably doesn't completely understand still why you went away. I was there with him for a month or so and then I went away. He is probably wondering if mom is going to leave him too. Poor Snickers. :( He's such a good dog. I still remember when you and mom called me and told me you got him. I've been going to my group on Monday nights. I don't know that it's really helping yet cuz we had to tell our stories again cuz that group leader was gone and we got a different leader and we also got a new person. One of the ladies had diarrhea of the mouth and did about all the talking. It was kinda annoying. I get that she is lonely and all but she just kept talking and talking. The new lady's son died of an accidental overdose. He was 27. I couldn't begin to think how much it would hurt to lose your child, even your grown children. Rob is my heart, the air I breathe. Oh daddy.. he wore his tail to school today. They are having homecoming this week at school and today was dress for favorite holiday. So he dressed up in one of his Halloween t-shirts and his tail. They actually let him keep it on all day too. He's doing OK in his classes except math. Having a hard time with it. Getting a 77. Don't know why and that's what he tells me when I ask. "I don't know"..ugh.. he knows it's not acceptable but also says he's trying and that's all I can ask cuz I can't even begin to understand his math. I don't know much else except that I miss you terribly. I love you so much dad. Wish to all that's good and holy you were still here with us and not in Heaven. I know we can't always have what we want though too. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

October 1

Hey papa. 106 days. I don't know why I keep counting. Counting and crying aren't helping me. I've cried every day since June 17. Every single day. I wish all the tears could be traded in to have you back with us. Just to have you back. Just to have you here. I know mom would gladly trade in her tears too. Snick has been a handful for her lately. He has been misbehaving. He sleeps all day then wants out at 3 am. You know mom can't get back to sleep when she gets woken up in the middle of the night. I wish I could be with her and help her with him but I am stuck here working. 

I got bit by a bunch of fire ants today on my feet. Oy.. it hurts and I have to work tomorrow for 10 hrs. Hoping my feet can handle it. I have blisters on 2 of my toes from the bites. Those nasty little things HURT. Danny had broke the chain and I had to chase him down and he had drug the chain thru the ant hill and I didn't know it until it was too late. 

I don't know much else. We got paid today and I figured bills and we are will be broke after they are paid. I HATE THIS!! We can't get ahead for nothing. We'll have like 30 bux left. I get paid on Tuesday so maybe things won't be So bad. Wish I could just go back to when I was a kid and you guys were footing the bill and I had no debts. Yep, wish I could cuz you would still be here and you'd be at work and I'd be asking mom, 'When will daddy be home?' and she could tell me, 'In a little bit.' I work at 6am. So up at 450. Ugh.. makes a long day and I'm supposed to work till 4pm tomorrow. They are gonna have to do something cuz I only have like 19 hrs left to work and scheduled 20 and I can't get 40 so maybe I won't have to stay the whole shift. I know, confusing..hehe. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3