December 20

Hi daddy. Christmas is almost here. Me n Joe aren't celebrating. Haven't even decorated. I have to say, it's actually been quite nice not freaking about getting the perfect gift. After the holidays we're going to go shopping. Get what we want so no disappointments. Mom is having a hard time she said this year. Idk why. She really misses you, as do I. Time seems to be flying by. This next June it'll be 5 years. Wow daddy. I wanted you to stay forever. You were supposed to be invincible. Guess the good Lord had other plans. I hope you're doing something really great up there.

I don't know much. Mom was here for thanksgiving and that was nice. It was a really nice visit, really nice having her here. We went to some quilt stores, no exploding heads. Got some ideas for the quilt I'm making for Joe. Found a pattern I liked and luckily he liked it too. I followed the instructions, measured n remeasured and when I laid it out I'm off in a few places. Joe thinks it's a pattern error n not me. Good answer, huh? Yes, you definitely would have loved him. I think the quilt has too much orange in it but Joe likes it. I suggested we add some white but he doesn't want any. Mom got sick on turkey day. I felt bad cuz I didn't know what she needed. She spent the whole day in her room. Joe was watching football but also cuz she was sick. I almost called auntie cuz I was so worried about her. 

Work is going ok. We're super busy right now cuz of the holidays but this too shall pass. So many party trays to do, our hot line is pretty popular which at times can get aggravating. But I enjoy the job. Some parts more than others. I got to work in the bakery for a little while today. I like working over there. :) it's much more relaxed, not as busy as the deli part. It was an easy day. Joe is wanting to find a new job. Out of the food industry. Can't say I blame him. He went to this place that installs spray foam insulation. Filled out an application but he doubts he'll hear anything. Feel bad for him cuz Joe is such a hard worker, and wants to do well for both of us but he just can't seem to get a chance anywhere besides fast food. I think he's doing fine. He provides for us, bills are paid n we got food to eat so I think we're good. :) 

I went to the dentist a couple weeks ago cuz my tooth was hurting me. They took full X-rays n recommend that I get all my top teeth pulled n get a full top denture n a bottom partial. For $6000, yeah, only 6K. Uh huh, not much... I don't even think so daddy. At 42, I do not wish to have my teeth gone n become gumby. Heck to the no. Especially to the tune of $6000!! I went over the invoice of what they plan to do last night and there's double charges on there, a charge for an expensive toothbrush I don't want or need, charges for procedures I think are unnecessary or could wait. I whittled it down almost $2000. I'm going to get a copy of my X-rays n get a 2nd opinion. The tooth that was hurting has stopped hurting me. I've been looking at other options if I must get them pulled. Dental implants...and they too are a no. They put a titanium screw in your jawbone that...wait...stop there...the thought of that makes my knees weak. They'd have to have me so out of it to even get me to sit still to do that. So...I'll wait for the 2nd opinion then decide what to do. All I can do. Ok. I'm officially out of things to tell you. Your baby girl is doing ok. I'm happy and Joe takes great care of me, we take great care of each other. I love you so much daddy. Not a day goes by I don't think of you, wish you were here, wish I could call you. I see things n think how it woulda made you smile or laugh when I tell you about it. I miss our phone calls. If I don't get back on here on Christmas tell Jesus I said happy birthday and eat a big piece of cake for me as you attend the grandest of birthday parties. I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

November 3

Hi daddy. My first week at my new job went swimmingly. I think ima like it. I think I've become the maker of chicken salad n pot pies but it's ok. It's easy but time consuming. Took me all day to get them done yesterday cuz I had to keep stopping to help customers or whatever. Only thing that bugs me is the dishes. No one seems to wanna do them and they pile up so high. Ugh. Our dishwasher only holds 5-6 pans at a time so it takes forever to get them done. We'll have to figure it out cuz the guy who's been doing them has to go back to his assigned department Wednesday. I got asked if I want to learn stuff on the bakery side, I said yes please! They said they need someone they can depend on n hope I'm that someone. But of course. :) said it'll just be one day a week for now. I get my first check tomorrow. Excited to see what week one brings me. I've been on 11-7s the past few days, it's an ok shift. Seems like you're there all day though. I'm thinking I'll probably have to work thanksgiving, hope not but if I do hopefully it won't be all day. Just happy I'm some place I like again. Hope that feeling lasts a long time too. 

Mom is still coming for thanksgiving but not by bus anymore. Going to drive instead. She's going to Texas for a quilt class the 12th, then from there drive here. I did end up quitting the tax class. I wanted to be able to work whatever I was offered n I had a hard time thinking about charging ppl so much to do their taxes. Just ridiculous. 

I don't know much else. Joe is trying to quit smoking. Hope he can. He's having a hard time with his cravings but he said he'll beat it. He's been smoking he said for 30-35 years. He's quitting cuz of me, cuz I asked him to not thinking he'd actually do it and he says it'll save us a good chunk every month too. He's gone from a pack n a half to about 3-4 a day. That's really really good. :) 

Just wanted to say hello. I miss you dad something fierce. I was cleaning the kitchen n took a glimpse of your picture I have in there n started crying. Sometimes it just hits ya, ya know. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

October 21

I GOT IT DAD! They called today. I went n finished my paperwork. I'm so excited! Wish you were here! Love you daddy! (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. :) 

October 20

Hi daddy. Nope, I haven't forgot about you. Never ever could! Just been living life. I've seen you watching over me and it's always so nice to see that big full moon shining down on me. Like a big flashlight leading the way. Things are going good. Still happy as a clam with Joe. How I wish y'all coulda known each other. Daddy, he's every reason I'm happy these days. Treats me like a queen. :) You'd be proud to call him your son in law. I was thinking today about how he was the piece I needed to complete my puzzle n also the peace I needed in my life. Things have been going good. Work is going OK. Joe is still at BK. I'm still at Long Johns for the time being, I've applied and interviewed and basically gotten the job at Bi-Lo, I'm just waiting for a phone call back from the hiring manager that all's well with my drug test n background check and I can start. I'm so amazingly beyond excited I'm gonna work there God willing n the creek don't rise. ;) So if you would nudge the big guy up there to pull these strings for me? Oh daddy. I just miss you so much, miss your phone calls, you. I still have your number in my phone. I know that you'll never be able to call me from it again. I just can't get myself to delete it. Anyway about work, I had a hiccup with Missy and all is not right in fish land. I got my hours massively cut for like most of August after my vacation until a couple weeks ago cuz she misunderstood me when I told her that I was interested in taking tax classes and if I took them they'd be in the evening, and again told her and told her again  Now, I know that I work 9-4 Mondays n Tuesday, and in the evenings on Friday and Saturday so why would I take day classes when I know I work during the day? You're not here and I'm sure you even understand the sense in that. I had planned to take the night classes. But she cut my hours drastically. I'd ask why and she'd give me some bs excuse, tell me things would go back to what they were, I'd swallow my tongue and believe her and the next week it was the same. There were weeks I got like 19 hours. I got bills to pay. Mom to get paid back. Life in general to live. How do you survive on 19 hrs?! So, after I've had almost a week off I go to work as scheduled. Haven't seen Missy this whole time, go in and she doesn't say one word to me. Nothing. She's talking to everyone else around me. Tells the crew that comes in after me hello and how you doing? So I'm thinking like, WTF? Nope! Nope! I'm not playing these mind games, I'm through, I'm outta here. This is what is screaming in my head and I want to burst into tears cuz I'm so mad but actually I swallowed my pride and bite my tongue and stayed and finished my shift. I talked to Joe and he told me to quit. Said no one was going to treat his wife like that. I seriously considered quitting but I didn't. I did, however, apply to some places and Bi-Lo was one of them. The next day I text Missy n tell her I wanted to talk to her and so I did when I went in that night, she tells me the reason she didn't talk to me is cuz she didn't think I wanted to talk. Um, ok...whatever. Tells me she doesn't want me to quit but if I'm not happy she doesn't want me to stay. Understandable. I think that it's over. Things are back to normal, then I start thinking what if I do go ahead and get another job. What if one of these places calls me back? I got a call for an interview at Kmart, I was excited then quickly no longer excited when dude tells me it's just for the holidays and 20-25 hrs at most. Gee thanks but that helps not at all. A few days go by and then last week Bilo calls! I go interview, he offers me $9/hr, tells me it's like 28-30 hrs. That's what I'm working now but at $9, ok! Plus he says for a little while it'll def be over 30 hrs. I can so deal with that. Get paid every week. Yes please! Sends me my paperwork online, I filled it out. Sent me to take a drug test, took his copy of the form back to him. Tells me to watch my email. So I am, like a hawk. There's 2 full time positions open but he said he can't hire full time off the street, even though I'm definitely qualified, says you have to be promoted within..ok, challenge accepted. Get me in and I'll show ya I deserve it. Oh daddy...I'm so excited! So.....we're being prayer monsters right now. I know you shouldn't just pray when you want something and I don't. But dad, oh how I want this! Need this! Idk how ima tell Missy when it's time but I'm sure I'll manage. Joe and mom and whoever else I've talked to, which hasn't been many, have all been so supportive and told me make sure it's yours before you quit. I know this. Joe wouldn't care if I went ahead and quit but I just can't. He told me I don't owe one thing to Missy and although I agree I just can't quit w/o for sure having this. I quit Krystal w/o having another job and felt awful about myself, felt guilty he was working so hard for us and I was busy having a pity party.  He is so amazing and supportive. S woulda been mad at me, turned things around and made me feel incredibly guilty about wanting to get a different job but Joe is absolutely nothing like S. He asked me a couple days of knowing him what I wanted, I told him..to be happy. And if he hasn't worked hard doing everything in his power to make me happy..oh daddy...see, I'm telling you, you'd love him! He is so good to your baby girl. I enjoy him, enjoy being his wife. He's just fantastic!

  Hmm, what else have I been up to? I'm taking tax classes. I was/am(maybe) planning on doing taxes this tax season. The classes are free and I'm learning a lot but the part I'm wrestling with is charging ppl who really can't afford it these absorbent amounts to do their taxes when they can go online and do them for free! Plus if, no When! I get Bilo I wanna be able to work whatever they need me to so I'm considering letting the classes go. We had to role play the other night and it was horrible. We get these forms the night before, she goes over them quickly so I don't really grasp that we'll be working with them over n over until we get our spiel down and then one of the guys in my class says he won't be here for our next class so she tells me and the other lady to join her Wednesday night class the next night. We do and I wanted to walk out, run out before things even got started. We role play and haven't a clue the order I'm to go in, what I'm supposed to say, nothing. I totally choked, plus I was pissed that she did that to me and Pat when we had no idea what to do. I role played as the preparer and then the customer, I was a good customer. I was obnoxious. I got obnoxious down pat. :)

 Mom will be coming for turkey day. She's going to take the bus. Only cuz it's so cheap. But maybe cuz also she'll get to experience something different and see the pretty fall leaves and such. I wish we could ride the bus together. That'd be fun. She'll be here for two whole weeks. Idk what we'll do but it'll be nice to just be together. Me and Joe will probably have to work most of the time but hopefully we'll be able to do some fun stuff on our days off. Idk nuffin else. Talk to God for me, I'm gonna be for sure, I wish I could actually talk to you. I miss you dad. Oh, wanted to show you what bubby did for you. I like it, I think you would've too. See...

Mom wasn't too excited about him doing it. Don't know why but I like it. Your number one son is still thinking about you too...now, you're with him everyday and that's kewl as hell. Richard bought a house in Mulvane. Idk what it looks like, I'll probably never see it. He and I still don't talk. I've apologized for even breathing but he still doesn't talk to me. It is what it is. Sad cuz he and I used to be so close. Anyway, guess I'll go. Nice that you visited Rob in his dream. He told me all about it. I told Joe about it and he just smiled. See, Joe believes that when you die your soul doesn't go to Heaven, that we lie in the ground and when The Lord comes back then that's when the saints will rise and join him in Heaven. And when we get to Heaven we won't know our loved ones as our loved ones. They'll just be ppl in Heaven with us. I don't believe this, never have, never will. Our souls go to Heaven when we die, we leave our earthly shell, and go be with God and we do know our loved ones, we are together again as a family and we don't hurt or have any pains or worries anymore. I believe Heaven is a wonderful beautiful place. You have a log cabin next to the lake and have all the animals you had as a boy and growing up and a fire place and rocking chair and you wittle all day. That's what I like to think anyway. Ok, ok...I'm going. I love you dad. I miss you, (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

August 15

Hey Papa! Today is my birthday! Wish you were here but I know that you're watching over me from heaven. Let me catch you up 

on what's happening in my world. Like I was saying, today is all about Mindy day. So far its been a good day. We went out and got the fixings to make my birthday cake. Triple chocolate with milk chocolate frosting. Joe hasn't made it yet but is going to. It's going to be yummy! We're making a pot roast for dinner. The house smells amazing! I got a few cards. 3. One from Rob, aunt Patty n mom. Idk what else we'll do today but it'll be great even if we just watch Netflix n snuggle. 

Joe didn't get me anything but we also just got back from Chicago. I gotta tell you about that too! When we told ppl we were going to Chicago for vacation they were like, Chicago? Really?..yes really! Joe grew up there, his ex wife's family is there and his kids. Didn't go to see them. Tried to see his oldest son but he wouldn't meet us anywhere. I think Joe might have been a little disappointed but didn't let it bother him. 

OK..so Monday we went to mom's to stay the night. We got there about 5 and spent the evening with Deb. We went n had dinner at this bbq place they have there in Robinson. I had the bbq sundae. Yes, you heard me right...bbq sundae. It was in this small metal bowl Joe kept saying looked like a dog bowl, but it was mashed potatoes, baked beans, coleslaw, pulled pork n bbq sauce. It was actually quite good. They could've left out the coleslaw but it was still good. We ran to Wal-mart n got phase 10 then went back to Deb's n played with her n Fred. Joe ended up winning. It was an enjoyable evening. It was the most I've ever spoken to or heard Fred talk. We then went over to mom's. I guess not having mom there the fleas were having a convention at her place. Oh daddy...um, yikes?!.. We didn't do much but try to sleep. I wanted to clean up her kitchen but the fleas were having me for dinner and Joe wouldn't let me cuz we were on vacation. Tuesday we head for Chicago. I was so excited n anxious to get there. We got there about 2 n went to the Field Museum cuz it was raining. I guess I'm just not a museum kinda girl cuz I didn't find much interesting there. Joe enjoyed it though. He felt bad that I didn't like it. Pish posh..there is gonna be plenty things I wanna do he may not enjoy in this life, ya know? To park there costs us $19! Yikes! I didn't figure parking into our budget so it was like whoa! when we saw that.

Traffic in Chicago was busy busy. I kept up n didn't get run over or anything. I was proud of me..so was Joe. :) We drove to the part of town he lived in and tried finding his kids but they had moved from the house where they lived. We ate at Portillo's. Had beef sandwiches. So yummy n tender! You'd have love them! Then we found a hotel in Rolling Meadows. That was intersting, when we pulled up there were a bunch of police there so I was a little nervous but Joe said that was normal and assured me that we'd be fine and we were. Wednesday we  headed to the Brookfield zoo. We found some little hole in the wall place and had a delicious breakfast. It was the cutest place. The fried potatoes were almost as good as yours always were. Made me smile..like you were in the kitchen making them. 

We got to the zoo and it was so fun. So many different animals and such a big place. Took about 3 hours to discover the whole thing. It was so fun though. We went to the Navy Pier after that. Getting there was tricky but we got there. Parking was $21! We walked along the pier for a while, went thru the little shops, went thru a stained glass museum..that was really pretty. We rode the ferris wheel. :) It was a fast trip around it seemed but so fun! We then walked downtown. So many ppl. We kept seeing ppl walking with bags that said Treasure Island and I wanted to see what it was. We asked some guy what it was and he just said, its here. Um, yeah..thank you very little. We asked another lady and she said it was a grocery store inside this building. We went in this huge building that had everything daddy. A walgreens, Ace Hardware, doctors offices, apartments. Daddy, I think you could probably exist in that building and never leave it. We found treasure island..it was so neat. Reasonable prices, a huge selection. I was impressed. 

We drove back to Robinson and slept at mom's. The fleas this time were a little better. I wish mom could have been there. She's planning on coming to see us after she gets back from Utah. She went to Montana for a quilt class and then on to Utah. She saw Rob and then went to Brad's to help take care of him. He was at work a few weeks ago and his work truck ran over him. His leg isn't getting any better. He had to have surgery last week to cut out the gangrene that was setting in. April is going back to work so no one will be there for him. Mom n auntie went to help him. We spent some time with Deb n them then drove home yesterday. The trip home seemed so long but we got home safely. 

Today has been great! We got up late. Went n got fixings for dinner n my birthday cake. Spent the day doing a whole lot of nothing. Took a nap, snuggled, ate dinner, had cake n now we're watching movies. In years past my birthday has been so blah, I usually ended up sad n thinking nobody cared. Joe cares so much about me. I love how he loves me. I am such a lucky lady daddy. 

Hmm..what else do I know? I got in an accident on the 24th. I was making a left turn, had a green light, turned left into my lane and this idiot woman turned right, into my lane and hit me. Bottom line, they tell me it was my fault cuz I turned. I think that's crap. I had the light too. She crossed two lanes of traffic and hit me. Really irks me. I don't know much else I guess. I love you. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

XoXo...

July 16

Hi dad. Having one of those I really miss you and I need a daddy hug days.  Life itself is good, just in a funk. You know how you n mom would be doing just hunky dory then one of your family or hers would have to make waves for some reason n make you wonder why the heck you stick around?  Nah. Probably not but that's how I feel right now. His bitch sister living next door bounces off our wifi for free n then is a total bitch when she's not getting her way and has the nerve to say that I'm a selfish bitch. She came over yesterday griping like she always does and stomps off, I tell myself screw her if she thinks ima keep letting her use any of our stuff especially if she ain't paying for it especially if she's gonna treat us like she does..so I got on my router website and shut down the guests wifi thing and changed my password on my regular wifi. She stomps back over n asks what happened to the wifi n I told her I didn't know cuz I haven't been online so she runs over to Joe's work pitching a fit cuz it's not working. Mind you dad, she pays us nothing to use it and screams at Joe constantly about this or that. She's just a miserable person. So she comes over with Joe when he comes home wanting to "apologize" to me... Whatever! I keep myself busy in the bathroom until she leaves and then he asks what happened to it, I act innocent..ya know I got that down pat ;)... and try "fixing" it so he can get online on his Xbox, I try n try to no avail then I crack n come clean with Joe as to what happened n what I did. I tell him it's not right how she treats us like shit when she's not getting her way and that sharing our internet drags ours down. That everyone else on it is what is making me have issues connecting to websites on my iPad. I told him she could pay some of her bills n get her own cable n internet. But if he insisted I would give her the new password. He didn't say anything, just looked at me. I figured out what the issue was on the xbox n got it working. He finally told me it would be nice if I did give it to her but he wasn't going to make me. He tells me that he wishes me n Dena could be friends. I've tried dad, believe me, but every time I try we're friendly for a bit then I look at Dena wrong way or hold my mouth to the left instead of the right and she's jumping down our throats n screams at Joe n then doesn't talk to us for several days. He told me I just didn't understand her situation but won't tell me what it is and says I probably wouldn't be sympathetic to it if I did know. I told him I played 2nd fiddle to Shaun's family for 20 yrs and I'll be damned if I was gonna do that again. I told him if his sister was more important to him then I'd leave. He told me I was The most important to him but I sure didn't feel like it and then I went to bed early cuz for one of the first times I didn't feel comfortable being around Joe. Our first real fight. :( We finally made up sorta. I'm in my funk today, he's working over at Denny's sisters house doing yard work. Dena called him when we were having breakfast n surprisingly he told her the wifi still wasn't working and he didn't know what happened to it. Hopefully he'll stick to that story cuz I really don't have any place to go to. Kansas isn't home anymore and Illinois is too cold in the winter but I wouldn't wanna stay here. So idk daddy. I just need one of your hugs to make me feel better, 

That horrible lady that was causing all the drama finally moved. We have to get her apartment ready, probably do that tomorrow. I don't know much else. I miss you dad. I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

June 17, 2014

Hey there papa. 4 years ago or shall I say 1461 days, 3 hours, 53 minutes and 27 seconds ago life for all of us changed. I still remember the phone call I got from Aunt Norma, her telling me, "Mindy honey, I'm so sorry. Your dad was killed in an accident this morning...." I think she might have said more to me but I don't know. I lost it. Straight lost it. I didn't know then it was possible to shed so many tears, to hurt that bad. To want to die in that moment. You were my best friend daddy. You always listened to me go on about something that was important to me and let me just get it out. You'd let me cry on your shoulder, hug me tight and tell me everything was going to be OK but at that moment you were no longer able to. I remember the drive home to Kansas with Shaun and Robbie. I think that's the quickest I've ever gotten there. I had to get to mom to hug her, hold her. I was so worried about her and you. I wanted to see you but they wouldn't let us until we got to the funeral home. I hoped it was some sick joke, that you were gonna come around the corner any minute and everything was going to be fine. But no. It had really happened. I remember how your truck looked, the blood that had ran down the door. The air bag out. The mail on your dash. You had done your morning errands and had been to the post office but had been too early to pick up the package I had sent you for Father's Day. I went with mom and we picked it up. I remember the clerk handing it to me and me holding it so tight, bawling again. Poor Snickee not understanding why all of us were crying and so sad and you weren't there. When we came in from the sheriff's office with your things and Snick sniffing them and looking so confused that you weren't with your stuff. He's a great dog daddy. Mom has taken good care of him since you left. He's like the final piece of you left. I'm glad he's with mom to give her some companionship, someone to talk to even though he can't "talk" back. I don't wanna make this a sad day. It was a sad day but life has gone on and must go on. Last year mom and I met for lunch and it was a good day. I'm alone today but somehow I'm going to make it a good day. Joe is working and I keep my circle real small so not anyone I can really call today to hang out with. But I wanna remember the good days. The laughs we shared, the talks we had. I loved our phone calls daddy. I looked forward to them every week. I remember our last. It was the Sunday before the accident. You called me and told me you just wanted to call to tell me you love me. You had important things to do and were going to be busy all week. It's like you knew. We talked about things going on with me, nothing exciting, The last thing we said to each other was I love you and that daddy is one thing I'm so happy about. Some people part having said cross words or something they later might regret. I luckily was able to tell you one last time, I love you, if I had only known it would be THE last time.
I remember growing up and always being your sidekick. Your little helper. I remember washing your motorcycle and you told me to go turn on the hose and I slipped and fell and hit my head on the spicket right in the middle of my forehead and you carrying me in the house, laying me on the kitchen table and mom and grandma taking care of me. I always wanted to take a ride on that bike but you sold it before we could. I remember going on a family trip and you picking me up and pretending you were gonna throw me over the bridge, I had on these bright red tennis shoes. I knew you weren't really gonna do it. I always felt so safe with you. Our family trip, just us and mom. The boys were at church camp and we went to Branson. That was probably one of my favorite times. Getting you and mom to myself. The times we'd go fishing, I hated fishing but loved spending time with you, you'd bait my hook and help me cast it out. I'd sit there and reel it back in slowly and never catch anything. I remember when we were fishing at night one time and I touched the lantern and burned my hands, you wrapped my hands in a wet t-shirt until we got home and the time I got stung by a bee and you took me home and put this baking soda mixture on my leg. When we'd go to breakfast, just you and me. You eating the jelly on the table, because it was there. Dumpster diving, our roadside finds, you teasing me with possums or tell me a possum story. I'll always cherish that one last road trip we had together when you and I drove back here because I had to be home for work the next morning and I couldn't get a flight back. I have so many wonderful memories of you daddy. You were old school and you taught us your values, taught us respect and right from wrong and would correct us when we forgot and you taught us how to treat other people. You were the kindest man I had ever known. You'd do anything for anybody. I remember on one the last trips home before the accident, you and I had gone to Dillon's and there was this guy leaving and he had a bunch of groceries and was on a bike, you told him to put his groceries in the back with his bike and to get in and we took him home. I thought you had lost your mind doing this for a stranger but that was who you were. Kind hearted. You'd see a person in need and you'd step up. I see ppl and wanna lend a hand too but the way the world is you just can't anymore and that's sad. People are plum crazy dad. I could sit here all day and write about all the fun, crazy, happy and not so happy times we had but I think ima find something to do. Something that makes me smile and think of you. Thank you for being my father, and my friend. I'm beyond blessed having to had you as mine. I love you dad so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

June 15

Hi daddy. Today is Father's Day. I kept it together today. Better than years past, when I'd be sad and cry off and on cuz you're not here. I know you would be if you could be. Had to work this morning. We were so busy. I don't like busy. And church people. They act like we're beneath them cuz we are working and they went to church. They leave such a mess too. Almost hard to believe they've just come from church.
So, what do I know... not a damn thing daddy. Life is going good. Joe and I are still happy as clams. Bills paid, food in our cupboards, gas in the car. Have some tenants I want gone so bad but for some reason Denny is dragging his heels, saying we need more complaints from other tenants about them being disruptive. Seriously? We gave them a letter about a month ago that said basically, shut up or get out and one more complaint and they were to be sent away but even though we've gotten said complaint, he's saying now he needs more. Ugh! If the gig wasn't so sweet and our place wasn't so close to both of our jobs I'd almost entertain moving but that will be a chore and a half. We've accumulated a lot in the short time we've been together. Pretty impressive from what we started with, a bed and a TV.
Both our jobs are going good. Joe got promoted to shift manager Tuesday. I didn't think it'd ever happen. He has to wait until the new quarter starts before they start training him but he got it. He'll get his pay raise when he starts training. I'm still pleased in the position I'm in. I still want assistant manager but I don't want to have to transfer to another store if I get it, that's why I haven't gotten into the books. Don't fix what ain't broke, ya know.
Mom is going to be here Friday. I wanted to meet her halfway or maybe go to her house on the 17th but she's busy this week doing church camp. Plus we don't really have the extra money for gas and Joe wouldn't let me go alone cuz he has a lot to do around here Wednesday and can't get away. I was a little upset that we had talked and planned on meeting for lunch or something the 17th and then all of the sudden she had church camp to do. But I understand, that's mom and that's life. Mom has always found stuff to keep her busy. I don't know if she does it so she doesn't have to think about what's going on or if she just doesn't know how to light. I'm glad though she can come Friday. Tuesday it'll have been 4 years since you left. I'm taking Tuesday off, I don't know what I'm going to do but we'll be talking that day. I work Monday then I'm off until Saturday afternoon. Almost wish I could get away from here a few days but alas, I cannot. I had asked for Tuesday off, Wed/Thurs are my usual days off and Friday I asked if I could work 12-5 cuz mom won't be here until the evening but I guess she didn't need me so I'm off. I'll figure out something to do with myself.  I know nothing else. Happy Father's Day! Miss you so much. I love you dad! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit!

May 18

Hi daddy. Ain't been here in a while. Everything is going good.

Love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. XOXOX 

April 14

Hi dad. It's been a minute since I've talked to you on here, huh? I'm good. Joe and I are great. Ain't been much happening. Just day to day, same old, same old. Work is going ok. I haven't delved into my asst mgr books yet. My boss told me she's not sure if I'd have to change stores or not, said something about with her n I both salary we couldn't work together anymore, couldn't work the same days cuz we're only allowed a certain amount of hrs in a day and her n I would be 20 hrs. I'll get into them. Eventually. I told Missy I want to learn all of it but I'm happy staying a shift mgr if it means I don't have to leave the store. I know I'm probably selling myself short but if something ain't broke best not to tinker with it, right? Day shift has been incredibly slow so we've been running with 3 ppl on Monday-Wednesday. Makes doing breaks hard but helps labor I guess. 

Mom ended up coming to see us. Her weekend visit turned into 2 weeks thanks to the lovely idiots who worked on my car. I needed my clutch replaced and we looked everywhere to get it done for what I had saved up. Asked friends, coworkers, everyone where we should go. Found this place who said they'd do it for 350 and turn my flywheel for free. Ok, deal. Since that's what I had and for some reason I believed he was an honest, Christian businessman cuz he had Christian music playing when you go in his office. Nay nay I say. That was a ruse. He had his dingleberry son and a high school kid working on my car. He installs the clutch we provided and put it back together and the clutch pedal wouldn't go down so they claimed I needed my master cylinder replaced. Tell me they'll order it, we wait 4 days. It gets sent to the wrong warehouse, gets lost at the warehouse, they order one from Kia and it's not even the right master cylinder. My sister-in-law's boyfriend goes out with Joe and looks at it and tells the kid it's not my mc, it's gotta be the clutch. He says he'll take it back apart but it'll cost another 300 if it's the clutch we provided. Wouldn't ya know it, it was the clutch. Of course. We get a different clutch, takes them almost 2 days to install. Finally got my car back. My clutch pedal and brake pedal were like right next to each other when I got in. Drove it home, I tell Joe something's not right with my pedals. He was able to just pull my clutch pedal back where it was supposed to be. I was so mad with the entire situation daddy. I feel like we were ripped off, we were charged for turning the flywheel. We asked and they said they never said that. Liars! We weren't offered even as much as a gee, we're sorry it took so long or a discount or anything. I feel like if this guy was any kind of reputable businessman he woulda taken it back apart the first day to see if maybe, just maybe, something was wrong with the clutch instead of make us wait and go thru all that unnecessary BS and extra cost. Mom said I needed to be patient and they weren't idiots. In my opinion they were. It's my opinion. My blog, my thoughts. Mine. I will most definitely never ever let them touch my car again, ever.  Don't care if I'm broke down, sitting in a dark forest and zombies and bears are surrounding my car. Never! Mom was really great helping me get it paid for, adds to my hugemungus bill I have with her but I really do appreciate her help. She stayed cuz we were without a car. We told her we woulda figured out what to do if she went home, and she did go home before we got it back cuz she had a dr's appt. She left on a Tuesday and I didn't get it back until that Saturday. Blithering idiots.  My opinion. 

Mom has lost 46 lbs since I last talked to her, I'm proud of her. I hate what she went thru in order to do it but she's happy and being happy is all that matters. I've learned that. I'm nothing but happy these days and I love it! 

I haven't talked much to Brian the past month. He pissed me off. Called him cuz I hadn't talked to him in a while and barely two minutes in he snapped at me cuz I asked if he was sleeping. Didn't know that was such a touchy subject. I found that metal clipboard thing you had from Groendyke for your logs. Thought he could use it, would want it cuz it was yours. Didn't even get to ask if he wanted it, now I don't even know if I want him to have it. I hung up on him. It was the wrong day to snap at me. I know, stupid reason to not talk to him. I finally called him the other day, talked about a minute. Just hi, bye basically. Didn't feel like talking to him. I will, idk when but I will. 

Joe n I are doing great, still happy as a clam. Our 1st anniversary is in 11 days. It's been an awesome year. Still happy, happy. He's my favorite person in the history of like, ever. I've only had a handful of favorite ppl in my life. I still wish you coulda met him, known him. You'd have loved him. I've been talking about you, telling him things about you. He said I wish I coulda met him, he sounds like he was a helluva guy. I think he n I coulda been friends. I think so too daddy. Don't know much else. I miss you so much.  I love you dad. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. XOXO

 Yep, sure have. 

February 27

Hi Papa! Gee golly how I miss you. There are so very many days I'd love to be able to pick up the phone and call you. I miss your voice. Heck, I MISS YOU! I don't know a whole lot. Mom is doing OK I guess. We've talked but not much about her surgery. What's done is done. It is what it is. Seems silly to still be mad about it cuz she done did it. She had planned on doing it all along so idk why she asked me what I thought and got me in my tizzy. Just wish you were here. She goes Tuesday to find out if she can have pureed foods. Um, yummy? Can't even imagine. She could almost just buy some baby food. It's pureed and got the nutrients in it. Oy vey. Ick! It's what she wanted to do so I just hope she's ok, recovers well and gets to where she can eat actual food. I love eating too much to go thru something like that but more power to her. She was going to maybe come in March but idk if she still is. We talked about it but she thinks we are mad at her. We're not. We just don't understand why she felt she had to do it. It's her life, her body, was her decision. She's going to Louisville which is 3 hrs from her and then maybe come here or vice versa. It's 5 hrs to here from Louisville or 6.5 from her house. So her coming from Louisville is like driving from her house almost. The older she gets the more I worry about her being out on the roads. Like I did you. I was always so worried about you when you would come here alone and then leave for home. I would check and re-check my phone for the message from mom that you got home safely. I would have never forgiven myself if something had happened to you coming or going from my house. Guess God was the only one who knew that you would go away so close to your house. What, like less than 5 miles? I think you knew that it was about your time. You would always talk about it, that it was your last birthday and then when I had that dream days before it happened, I should have known it was about to happen. Still wish it hadn't. Every single day. Mom said she's wants to live a quality life and live as long as grandma did. I told her that's not her decision, it's His.
Guess what? I finally got my books for assistant manager. No really! I'm excited but it looks so daunting. So many more books to do. I didn't get a chance to talk to Missy today and find out her timeline on it and if I might be moved to another store or if we can even afford to have a 2nd salary manager cuz I'm NOT going to another store. I'll stay a shift manager if I might have to move. I love the convenience of where work is, I love the ppl I work with (most of them) and love working there. Does it make me a loser that I love my fast food job? LOL. I've done so many things in my life but who knew I'd be happy working fast food? I guess God did. It just took me a while to get where I am with the eighty-eleven jobs I've had. Letcha know how it goes.
Me n Joe are great of course. Just love him to pieces. Some times I have to pinch myself that it's me in this awesome relationship with this terrific guy who loves me so much. To come from where I was for so long to this is like a total 360.  They are short handed on cooks at his work so he's been having to run the whole kitchen by himself lately. He gets home at night and is so tired. I appreciate how hard he works for us. He's amazing. He's absolutely nothing like dumdum and I am so thankful for that. He helped me clean up the apartment before he went to work the other night so I wouldn't have anything to do while he was gone. Sweet, huh? I got so lucky with him daddy. I feel myself push back some cuz I'm so scared I'm just in a dream and he's maybe not real. He sure feels real though. :)  I guess I'll go for now. Love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

February 11

Hi papa.. well, she gone and done it dad. She says she's doing great. I hope she really is. Aunt Norma is with her. I'm not sure what I think. I'm not sure what to say to her.  I'm upset she did it but its what she wanted to do so I hope everything is going good and stays that way. Still don't get why at 66 she felt she needed to do it when she was losing weight going to the gym. "Because I wanted to do it for over 20 years" just doesn't sound right. There's things I wanted to do for years but haven't and all is still right in my world. Maybe it's some bucket list thing. I don't know many ppl who have, "Have 85% of my stomach removed" as a bucket list kinda thing but who knows. Stranger things have happened, right? Maybe she's having a later life thing.  I still think something is going on with her she doesn't want to face or admit. She's changed so much lately. She's like a different person. Maybe it's just hard for me to see mom not as mom. Not doing the things she used to do. The things she talked about doing when she was planning her retirement. I'm happy she's living her life, doing things she wants to do, I guess I just don't understand all of them. Not that I have to. I just feel like an outsider, like everything is a big secret from me and I feel way outta the loop. I have for a long time now.  
I don't know a whole lot. Work is going OK. We had our SER yesterday and we passed. I was so scared when the lady showed up. My heart about beat outta my chest. I called the troops in and we did OK. We missed a few things we shouldn't have but we passed and Missy was happy. She told the lady I was training to be assistant manager. I was like HUH?! in my head. I mean, I guess I am but when I actually hear her say it, it still kinda shocks me. I just wanna tell her to not say such things out loud. I want assistant manager. I guess I just don't feel fully ready to take on the responsibility plus I'm worried how it'll affect Josh since he's been there so long. He doesn't want it but he does know more than I do. Guess I worry he will try running over me. I'm trying to learn all he knows so I can step into things when it's time with the confidence that I can. I know I can. Its just learning all I need to, to be prepared. I'm gonna get there though dad. I hope I make ya proud even though you're not here.
Joe is working. He went in at 3. They told him they were closing at 6 cuz we have some weather moving in but he's still there. Guess they changed their minds. We need the money so it's all good. They are about to work him to death though. The new shift leader cuts way too many ppl and it always leaves Joe in the kitchen closing alone and they are still really busy and he has everything to still do to go home. I told him he should talk to the GM and see what can be done cuz that's just not right to leave him with so much to do by himself. He works so hard. He's a good man daddy. Takes good care of your baby girl.  I enjoy every minute we spend together. Every single one. He is an absolute blessing to me. :) I still think it was a God n daddy thing I got him. So thanks again for sending him this way. He's made me nothing but happy since day 1. :)
Oh yeah, the weather. We're supposed to get up to 5 inches of snow and ice too. They've closed most of Georgia, I'm not kidding. We got like 2 inches a couple weeks ago and it paralyzed Atlanta. Kids were sleeping at their schools or stuck on buses cuz they couldn't get home. It was re-donk-Q-Less!!! Ppl suffer from chicken little syndrome around here when it comes to the weather. The mention of the "s" word and store shelves are bare, schools are closed before the first flake falls from the sky. I think the kids have been to maybe a week of school since classes resumed in January because of the weather. Just glad I don't have a school kid cuz I'd be one mad mom. I was going to get to see Bubby but he ran outta hours before he got here so he had to stop in Monteagle. He did his loads and picked up another and got outta Dodge before the weather hits. Maybe next time. Don't know nuffin else. I love you papa. Miss you so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

 I enjoyed every moment we got to spend together. 

February 4

Hi papa. Into the 2nd month of 2014 already. Time goes by too fast the older I get. I don't know a whole lot. Mom came a couple weeks ago and surprised us. She had Brian bring her and he dropped her off. He just kept telling me I had to meet him cuz he had something he needed to drop before he went on to Atlanta. I was so confused. I got there and it was mom. I was definitely surprised. I was also a little upset and didn't do a good job hiding that. I was upset because I wasn't expecting her, my guest room wasn't ready and we had no food in the house. I felt bad. I didn't mean to make her feel bad about coming. She was just here overnight then her and bubby went back home.  She said she'd never surprise us again. I certainly didn't mean to make her feel like that. 
I'm also upset that she's having the surgery. It makes me so upset daddy. Makes me wonder what is happening to my mother. She is determined to have this unnecessary surgery for what? To tuck her shirt in? She can do that now. She has been losing weight with her new diet and exercising at the gym so I just don't get why she thinks she needs to have her stomach butchered up to continue losing weight. Spend her hard earned money that she said over and over how she needed every penny for her retirement and she could use it on something else. Quilting supplies, a nice trip some place, pay off more of her house, treats for Snickee, heck.. anything besides this stupid surgery. I don't want her having this surgery to mess up our relationship. I don't know how to even begin to pretend that I'm OK with it when I'm not. I don't know how to support her on something I am so against. I can't even hum a few bars and fake it. I worry enough about her, this'll just make me worry even more. What if there's complications, what if she dies on the operating table or becomes a vegetable cuz they screw up. I know, what if.. but seriously dad, what if?!! Something is going on with her, I truly believe that. She's changed so much since you had to go. She cut off all of her hair, like super short. I was shocked. She had been saying she wanted a haircut and I thought she meant a few inches, maybe the ends of it but nope, all of it. I know, it's only hair but she's had long hair forever. It was just kinda different to see her hair gone and not on top of her head in a bun. Mom means so much to me and it makes me sad that she thinks she has to waste money to have a surgery she doesn't need to lose weight. I wouldn't consider her fat like the ppl you see who have the surgery on tv. Its like a person who has a facelift when they were beautiful before they did it and didn't need it done.  I know she went thru some things losing you, I understand that completely cuz I did too but losing your husband is different than losing your dad even when it's the same person. I know she went thru some depression losing you and being alone, but she seemed to come out of it, or she was just putting on a brave face. I don't know. I just don't get it daddy. I mean, if I told her I was going to go do something unnecessary and risky, say jump out of a plane or kiss a cobra, because I wanted to, I think she would tell me how she wouldn't and doesn't think I should and wish I didn't.  I know she would, because she's my mom and would worry about me. I wish I could get thru to her, get her to understand and not do it. I can't even be there when she has the surgery or during the aftercare. I have to be here to work plus I'm second fiddle to auntie. I became 2nd fiddle a long time ago. I guess all I can do is pray she gets thru it ok and nothing bad happens cuz she's def not listening to me or hearing me. Its not fair of me anyway to tell her what to do and I don't expect her to listen to me. I sure wish she'd reconsider though. It's going to change her life so much. More than she knows. She thinks she knows but this is going to be a game changer.
I don't know daddy. I guess since you had to go I've changed too. I've pulled back from being close to mom and the boys, to about everyone in my life, except Joe. I guess so I don't get hurt as bad when I lose someone else. Even me and Rob aren't close anymore. I cling to Joe though, he's my whole world right now. He's my happy. It'd ruin me if I lost him. You'd have to scoot over cuz I'd be on my way to see you if he had to go. Ya know that time you told me that you sometimes felt like if you went away no one would care.. I think that way too sometimes. Even though you were way wrong. Ppl care. You leaving left such a void. I could almost kick myself that it's been almost 4 years and as I type this I'm crying. Snap out of it, huh? I don't know nothing else. Work is going ok. Things around here at the apartments are going ok. Life is going good. Thanks for listening to me whine. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

January 15

Hi papa. Wish you could tell me how you are doing. Wish I could call heaven n talk to you. I'd call you every week, just like I used to. I so need to talk to you about mom. I don't know what's going on with her. I mean, she's fine but idk daddy, she's just into so many new things. Things that have me scratching my head wondering what happened to my mom. I think she's still looking for things to keep her busy so she doesn't have time to think about things. She's always found things to stay busy. Even more so since you left. She's working on becoming a chaplain. I mean, it's a noble thing to do but seems out of character for her. I mean, she's a good person, always has been, it's just odd for me to hear she's becoming a chaplain. I think of Rick or John. Not my mom. Not saying she can't do it, it's just odd for me. When she moved to Illinois she was going to find a church and be a pew sitter. shes way past pew sitter. She's still going to have that damn surgery. Still breaks my heart. Makes me worry so much about her. I just don't understand why all of this started. She says she's wanted it for 25 yrs. She wants to tuck in her shirt. I just don't understand why she can't just change her diet and keep going to the gym. She was supposed to retire and have fun. Not start a new life. She has me more concerned for her than before she retired. I just don't wanna lose her daddy. I don't think I could handle losing her anytime soon. 

Me n Joe are doing good. He still makes me so very happy. He treats me like a queen. I still at times have a hard time accepting that he truly loves me and wants nothing but my happiness. S never wanted that, never was good to me like Joe is. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man loving me. I thank the good Lord above for Joe everyday. He is one of my greatest blessings. 

Work is going ok. Have SERs coming up. Hate them, we clean, prepare and wait forever for the person to show up. It's somebody new too. Hear they are more thorough than who we had before. Just hope it goes well whenever it is. Things around here are meh. We have some tenants who have been letting her family stay with them and I've told them repeatedly they can't be there. Denny wrote up something for us to give him saying he's in default of his lease and they must leave. They haven't been home today to deliver it. I'm a little worried about what'll happen after we deliver it. The stepdad is a real jackass. We think he broke my antenna off my car. Can't prove it though. I also have a broken windshield. Last week coming back from Rome I was following a semi and he kicked up a rock and it hit my windshield. Can't afford to fix it so it'll have to wait. 

Don't know much else. I still miss you terribly. Wish you were here. The world's gone crazier since you left but I'm sure you're able to see all that from Heaven. Guess I'll go. I love you daddy (forehead kiss). Talk to you in a little bit. 

 Love you so much dad.

January 9

Happy birthday daddy. Wish you were here. I'd have sent you a sappy card and idk what else. I had court today for my bankruptcy. It went ok I guess. Now I just wait for my discharge. I was so nervous  about going. Joe said to think of it like divorcing my debt. I suppose but it didn't help. I was still nervous. Don't know much else. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. 

Made you this...

January 4

Happy new year daddy. It's now 2014. We're actually getting some winter weather. Saying rain changing to snow tomorrow night. Yuck. I'm doing ok. Me and Joe are great. Daddy, you'd have loved Joe for so many reasons but mainly how he loves your daughter. When I get home from work at night the house is clean, leaving me nothing to do and I find a note, a sweet romantic note, from him somewhere in the apartment. I've never been loved like Joe loves me and I adore it and him. You would have so approved of him. Heck, he'd have been your sidekick if we lived closer. Y'all like about all the same things. If only daddy. 

I go to the creditors meeting on Thursday. What would have been your 70th birthday, so I know you'll be with me. I'm a little nervous about it but it is what it'll be. Hold my hand that day, k? 

Ok dad, let's talk about the elephant in the middle of the room. You visited me in my dreams again last night. It was such a vivid dream, like I could reach out and touch you. I was confused though, I didn't understand why you were walking with those others in a line with the hoods on their heads. 

(Dream recap: We were some where with big pillars and like a huge court house, I kept asking anyone passing me if they made a decision yet, if they were going to let you leave and no one would answer me. Then you come around the corner in this line with these other men with their hands tied and hoods on their heads but you didn't have your hands tied or a hood. You saw me and we both smiled and you said, Hey kid! Glad you made it, tell your mother I'm ready for her to come home to me. And then you said, look at this. And you unbuckled your overalls and raised your shirt and showed me these awful bruises on your back. I asked where you got the bruises but then I woke up before you could tell me.)  Daddy, it was so real. You looked so different without your beard but those blue eyes were a sight to see. I laid in bed a few minutes trying to figure out where you got the bruises, maybe your accident? I don't know. I can only pray you come back tonight or real soon. Your welcome in my dreams anytime. I know you're ready for mom but can you wait a little longer? I'm not ready for her to go, maybe you know something we don't. Makes me feel even more against her having her surgery she doesn't need. Oh daddy. :( 

Don't know much else. I'll tell mom what you said, I love you so. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. XoxoxoX