February 4

Hi papa. Into the 2nd month of 2014 already. Time goes by too fast the older I get. I don't know a whole lot. Mom came a couple weeks ago and surprised us. She had Brian bring her and he dropped her off. He just kept telling me I had to meet him cuz he had something he needed to drop before he went on to Atlanta. I was so confused. I got there and it was mom. I was definitely surprised. I was also a little upset and didn't do a good job hiding that. I was upset because I wasn't expecting her, my guest room wasn't ready and we had no food in the house. I felt bad. I didn't mean to make her feel bad about coming. She was just here overnight then her and bubby went back home.  She said she'd never surprise us again. I certainly didn't mean to make her feel like that. 
I'm also upset that she's having the surgery. It makes me so upset daddy. Makes me wonder what is happening to my mother. She is determined to have this unnecessary surgery for what? To tuck her shirt in? She can do that now. She has been losing weight with her new diet and exercising at the gym so I just don't get why she thinks she needs to have her stomach butchered up to continue losing weight. Spend her hard earned money that she said over and over how she needed every penny for her retirement and she could use it on something else. Quilting supplies, a nice trip some place, pay off more of her house, treats for Snickee, heck.. anything besides this stupid surgery. I don't want her having this surgery to mess up our relationship. I don't know how to even begin to pretend that I'm OK with it when I'm not. I don't know how to support her on something I am so against. I can't even hum a few bars and fake it. I worry enough about her, this'll just make me worry even more. What if there's complications, what if she dies on the operating table or becomes a vegetable cuz they screw up. I know, what if.. but seriously dad, what if?!! Something is going on with her, I truly believe that. She's changed so much since you had to go. She cut off all of her hair, like super short. I was shocked. She had been saying she wanted a haircut and I thought she meant a few inches, maybe the ends of it but nope, all of it. I know, it's only hair but she's had long hair forever. It was just kinda different to see her hair gone and not on top of her head in a bun. Mom means so much to me and it makes me sad that she thinks she has to waste money to have a surgery she doesn't need to lose weight. I wouldn't consider her fat like the ppl you see who have the surgery on tv. Its like a person who has a facelift when they were beautiful before they did it and didn't need it done.  I know she went thru some things losing you, I understand that completely cuz I did too but losing your husband is different than losing your dad even when it's the same person. I know she went thru some depression losing you and being alone, but she seemed to come out of it, or she was just putting on a brave face. I don't know. I just don't get it daddy. I mean, if I told her I was going to go do something unnecessary and risky, say jump out of a plane or kiss a cobra, because I wanted to, I think she would tell me how she wouldn't and doesn't think I should and wish I didn't.  I know she would, because she's my mom and would worry about me. I wish I could get thru to her, get her to understand and not do it. I can't even be there when she has the surgery or during the aftercare. I have to be here to work plus I'm second fiddle to auntie. I became 2nd fiddle a long time ago. I guess all I can do is pray she gets thru it ok and nothing bad happens cuz she's def not listening to me or hearing me. Its not fair of me anyway to tell her what to do and I don't expect her to listen to me. I sure wish she'd reconsider though. It's going to change her life so much. More than she knows. She thinks she knows but this is going to be a game changer.
I don't know daddy. I guess since you had to go I've changed too. I've pulled back from being close to mom and the boys, to about everyone in my life, except Joe. I guess so I don't get hurt as bad when I lose someone else. Even me and Rob aren't close anymore. I cling to Joe though, he's my whole world right now. He's my happy. It'd ruin me if I lost him. You'd have to scoot over cuz I'd be on my way to see you if he had to go. Ya know that time you told me that you sometimes felt like if you went away no one would care.. I think that way too sometimes. Even though you were way wrong. Ppl care. You leaving left such a void. I could almost kick myself that it's been almost 4 years and as I type this I'm crying. Snap out of it, huh? I don't know nothing else. Work is going ok. Things around here at the apartments are going ok. Life is going good. Thanks for listening to me whine. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.