January 19

Hey papa. Not sure what I know but just feel like talking to you. I need to run to the store. Be right back.. 

OK... I'm back. Stopped by Judy's to see Shaun for a few cuz he spends so much time over there. He's trying to help her get a room ready for his friend who's mom is about to pass away. Her name is Linda. She has cancer. The dr's are waiting for her to go into a coma. They said when she does she won't wake up again. That's so sad. Judy asked Shaun to get something for her and he didn't jump at that specific moment so she started complaining so I left and went to the store. Sometimes I feel like I'm just here. Like I'm just here to do for him. Clean the house and cook for him. He hardly ever spends time with me. Makes me feel so worthless at times. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I just don't like spending every day off I get cleaning or spending all of my time alone. Heck, I can be alone at work. I don't know if things are that bad daddy, but there are times I feel so alone and so far from home. I have friends here but I miss mom. I guess that's all I miss about home. Her. And you. I miss you. I printed out that picture the other day, the one I showed you last time. Have it in a frame on my headboard. Still have times I think that all this can't be real. Still think or wish that mom would call and say, Hey, guess who came home? And does he have a story to tell you. Cuz I'm sure you have quite the tale to tell. I'm off for 3 days now. They started that a couple weeks ago. Work me 4 days and off 3. I guess it's OK. I wish mom lived closer so I could go to her house for a day or two. Some day soon she will hopefully. Even if she moves to Illinois to be closer to Auntie. She'd only be like 6 hrs from me. Moving from El Dorado is gonna be a chore but things just aren't the same there anymore. Things there are changing a lot. Putting the school across from your house. That'll be fun. Don't know much else. Just know I miss you. I think I'm gonna take a nap. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

Took my nap. Felt a little better when I woke up but feeling again like hmm, why bother? Rob got home from school. I got to do his chores and homework. Yeah, peachy, huh? One of his chores today was to sweep the kitchen and living room. He half assed it as usual. I got the broom and swept and got up a whole pile of cat hair he "missed". I know he's not learning how to do it if I don't make him do it but it drives me bonkers to have to follow behind him and check his work. Then his homework, he has to write down the first 10 minutes of the 5pm news. The "A" block. Those stupid news ppl talk so fast, there is no way that Boo can write it all down. Gonna have to come up with something else to help him get it done. He can type pretty fast so I think we will be able to type it up. Using a computer is part of his IEP so his teacher has to accept it. I don't know much else. I'm bored and tired. Think I'm gonna go veg. I love you. (Big Hug!) <3 

January 12

Hey papa. Can you believe this crap?! We got snow on Sunday night, right? A lot of snow, for around here. Like 8 inches. So.. what has that done to the area you ask?  Paralyzed us all papa!! Can you believe it? The kids have been out of school since December 18th. They've called school off for the whole week! The whole week!!! I still had to go to work. Made it to n from safely, thanx for being with me. Plus I was on time both days. Both days were hell though. Monday we were so so busy, cuz we were the only place open. Hardee's, McDonald's and Burger King were all closed. We were the only place on the strip opened. On top of that, all of the 2nd shift crew called out. We ended up closing at 4pm. We opened at 8 on Tuesday but I still had to be there early. Ended up staying past my time to get off work cuz the big boss was there and kept assigning me detail cleaning jobs. Seriously. I wanted to say something but he's the big boss. I like the guy but he can sure push buttons. What was funny though is that customers would ask me how I got to work and I would say, I drove and they would say, Really? Did you have any problems? Well no, I'm from Kansas darlin'... this weather ain't nothing. Just use your common sense! :) Glad though I had today and the next 2 off. Yay me. Gonna do a whole lot of nothing. I don't know much else. Just really annoyed that they have the kids out for no reason. They really need to teach these ppl how to drive in this weather down here. Do you have winter in heaven? Wait, no you don't according to that song. It's probably like a comfortable 68 there all the time. You never liked it too warm or cold anyway. Can't says I blame ya! I miss you so much papa. That picture mom took when you guys were at some restaurant, I look at it and its like looking right at ya. Like I can almost connect with you and you are looking right back at me.

I was thinking today about you, and it happening... and finding out, I was the last one to know. I'm not upset that I was the last to know but just wish I hadn't been in a way too. I wish I had been there, been with you, maybe I coulda seen the truck and told you to stop and you'd be here now. I know we can't woulda coulda shoulda but, oh daddy! My sweet papa bear. You are some place I didn't want you to have to see for a long, long time. I watched some show today and there was a young guy, in his 20s that had been out partying and he OD'd and almost died and is now a quadriplegic and can't talk anymore, just use his hands for yes and no questions. Made me think what mom had said, There are worse things then being dead. I think how I wish you had made it through the accident, you'd still be here with us but what quality of life would you have? I'd be there to help mom take care of you but how unfair  and awful it would be to be like a prisoner inside yourself and maybe not be able to communicate with us. Heavy thoughts I know. Just some things I think about some times. Plus I watch too much TV and maybe have too much time on my hands.

 Wish you were here to have a talk with your grandson. He's still talking to that girl. That 22 yr old from New York. I blocked her number on his phone but he's found other ways to talk to her. She plays this game he does and they talk to each other when they are playing it. Has me so mad. Shaun says he's not OK with it but he is supporting it by not stopping it. He said I'm over reacting and I need to let him grow up and that we can't keep protecting him. Yes we can!! He says that he's 17. Yes he is correct. He is 17. Not an adult so we can still tell him what to do. Don't know what to do about it either. Rob said she knows that she is too old for him. Well apparently she doesn't know much if she is still talking to my son. OK. I'm done for tonight. Thank you for listening. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

January 9

Hey Papa. Happy Birthday!!! So, did the angels wake you with fanfare of the wonderfulness of you?! Today I took the day off so I could celebrate you and honor you the best I could. So, wanna know what I did? Sure you do! I started the day with making breakfast for you. I made sausage links and over medium eggs and pancakes. That's what you would have at the bar when we'd go out, remember? I miss having breakfast with you. That's one of the gazillion things I miss about you. I listened to your phone messages and watched the video and cried like a baby. I miss you so much dad. Mama played "Just Beyond the Moon" and played the video for everyone at church today. She said it really moved some ppl. Ppl haven't forgotten you dad. How could they? You were an amazing person. I tried to watch a western for you today but just couldn't get into it. Sorry. I did make you a pie today. Coconut custard. Getting ready to go make dinner now. We're gonna have steak and baked potatoes. For you papa. Just wish you were here to enjoy it with us. OK papa.. I need to go make dinner. Have a good evening. I love you papa. (forehead kiss~~ and a Great big Hug!!) Talk to you in a little bit <3

January 1

Happy New Year papa. I dont know nothing. Just wanted to make an entry today since it's 1/1/11.. crazy huh? Work was OK today. We weren't too busy. Steady but not busy. Whew!! Had some drunk people in this morning. They ordered about everything on the menu. See, I told you I didn't know nothing. Love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3