February 19

Hey Papa...

I remember where I was 8 months ago today. It was the day we laid you to rest. I was dressed in my black slacks and my black and white flowered shirt. I was sitting there in the cemetery not believing the reality taking place in front of me and screaming inside how much I just wanted to crawl inside that casket with you and be with you. Hearing the music I helped pick out. I Saw the Light, Go Rest High on that Mountain, Just Beyond the Moon, Walked on Water, Daddy's Hands, and Amazing Grace with the bagpipes. We picked a lot of songs, huh?  I kept thinking how much I wanted to be able to will you back to life with a kiss on your forehead or just touching your shoulder and have you back here with us where you belong. I was thinking about all the things I left in your casket for you for your trip to Heaven, your walking stick and the crackers, mints and Pepsi. Brian putting the two knives in your pockets for you and me leaving your Father's day cards in there with you so you'd have something to read. The last Father's day cards I will ever buy for you. I was thinking how much I somehow knew when you left me that May morning that it could be the last time I hugged you and got to spend time with you. I hated having to be right. I thought that every time we spent time together it was going to be the last time, it just unfortunately came true. God how I miss you papa. How much I still need you, how much we all still need you.  Maybe not everyone who was there that day to lay you to rest remembers what today is but the important ppl do.. the ppl who loved you the best do. I've been thinking, you've had 8 months of resting.. can you come home now? How I wish you could. Did you see me and mama today? Did you see the pretty tulips we left for you? Mom said you liked tulips. I didn't know that. Tulips have always been one of my favorite flowers. They mean to me that Spring is on the way. Spring is one of my favorite seasons. Everything is coming back to life after being dormant all winter. The flowers and trees and the birds all come out.
I don't really know that much. I'm still thinking about what I want to do for a 2nd part time job. Just looking forward to getting back in the saddle at the bus barn and see if I still got it. I'm sure I do, it's like riding a bike. Hoping Becky can keep me busy enough that I don't have to have the 2nd job right away. I know that I'm tired of sitting around. I don't sit well, I never have. 

I talked to Shaun last night. He said he thinks I'll be here until the summer after Rob graduates. WHAT?!! Dad, that's forever. I better find something to pass the time and figure out how to get those bills paid so I can go home. It's not that I don't like being here with mom cuz I do. I just don't think I belong here. I think I should be there with Shaun and Rob, especially for Rob. I really have to do some soul searching and figure out what it is I want. I know the winters are better in Georgia.. for the most part. This winter was an actual winter. First real winter we had since we moved there. I don't know what I really NEED to go back to Georgia for besides Shaun and Rob. I'm hoping Rob will come be with me after he finishes school but I don't know. I don't have a house or job to go back for. It would be like starting over all over again. I hate start overs. That what I feel like what I'm doing now, starting over. Not a regroup. Don't feel a lot of regrouping happening. Shaun said he doesn't want to come back to Kansas cuz there is nothing for us here and he doesn't want to deal with the Wichita VA. I guess I can agree with that. The only good thing here for me is mom. And I have to let her do what she Wants to do when she retires. I don't want her to stay in Kansas for me if she feels like moving to Illinois to be closer to Auntie. There's really no reason for her to move to Georgia now since we lost the house. So, tell me daddy, what do me and mom do with ourselves? Like I said, I have a lot of soul searching and figuring out to do. I think if I told Shaun I was staying, not that I've decided to by any means, but if I did.. that he would come here, for me. I kinda like to think he would anyway. Would cost a lot to move our stuff here though cuz I don't want to lose our stuff but you are right, it's just stuff. I don't know papa. 

I'm just writing today cuz felt the need to talk to you. I miss you so much, so much. Still find it hard to believe it's been 8 months since you left us and we laid you to rest. I hope you are resting peacefully and that Heaven is as wonderful as I can only imagine it is. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

February 17

Hey papa. 8 months ago today you left us. I really miss you and wish you were still here. It still doesn't seem possible at times that you are where you are. Still seems like you could be on a trip with the preacher or out on a run. How I wish that was true. Snick misses you too. He's been breathing kinda weird today. Have been worried about him. Mom is missing you too. Just wish you could come back but I know you can't. Mom has been having a pain in her side. I've been worried about her. She says it's just how she slept or something but it's been hurting her for a few days. Have God touch her, OK? 

I didn't do much today. I feel like a lump. I need to find something to do. I still don't know what I want to do. I'm gonna drive the bus, part time. But I need to do something else. So, you got any ideas? I'm not one to sit so hopefully will figure it out pretty soon. Just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I love you. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

February 16

Hey Papa... not much to tell you today. I went and applied for a few jobs. Ran out to Holiday Inn Express and applied as a night auditor. I'm not holding my breath for it cuz the place is hoity toity and I don't think I could get on there, that I have the experience to do whatever a night auditor does. I can add but with no previous job experience at a hotel I doubt I'll get it. I know, don't give up before I get started. I'm hoping I get Wal-Mart or Dillon's.. those are my big hopeful choices and then if none of that pans out, I guess I'll be applying at one of the too many fast food places around town. Not that I want to do that but if I must, I must. I have to work. Went over this morning and got the paper work filled out for the bus. Becky told me I could start whenever I'm ready. Then she said to come over Tuesday and learn this one guy's route cuz he's been sick and she thinks he will be out. It's a place to start. Hoping she will keep me busy so I can make some decent money to get the bills I have paid and then also start working towards the credit cards. Just want to get those stupid things paid off so I can find out what else life has in store for me. Right now don't feel like life has much for me.
Talked to Shaun today. He tells me to get ahold of the bank and tell them we left the house, then when I get ready to he tells me to hold off until he can get the lawn mower and dog pen. Just wish he'd make up his mind. I know that once they know that they will make my life a living hell, but what can they do? I mean, I don't have 80K. And garnishing it, that would take FOREVER and also they wouldn't get much cuz I don't make much. Make nothing right now. Wow. Life is pretty crappy papa. Why did God need you so bad when we still need you so badly here? I love you papa. About time to make dinner. Going to make spaghetti stuff. Almost hear you say.. I'ma no whop! LOL!! I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

February 15

Hey Papa.. I made it here to your house, yet again. Seems like when anything goes bad lately I run for the hills. But this time I was sent as you know by Shaun. The trip Saturday was OK. Long but it was OK. Traveling with Jake and Freddy was so fun. HAHAHA. Jake cussed and growled the whole way. Poor little Freddy got smacked around just cuz he was in the way. I made pretty good time, not the record breaking times I've made before but still pretty good. Left Georgia at 6am and got here at 8pm. OK, so now I'm here. So now what papa? What the heck is your baby girl gonna do now? Still feel like Shaun gave up..on us, on our dreams-owning the house. Just seems like what's important to me became 2nd fiddle to him somehow. That what I want doesn't matter. I was telling him yesterday that this being apart is going to kill me and he said, I think this time apart is going to be a good thing. I just want to smack him in his face. Not that it would help our money problems but it would make me feel a little better, perhaps.
I need to find a job or two. Ugh. Two jobs. I barely had the energy to work the one job I had back home. But I guess if I'm to get the credit cards paid off I have to work my butt off. Mom is so right and so are several other ppl. I didn't run this debt up myself so why the heck do I have to work to pay it off by myself?? Why am I in this alone? I'm sure if I asked Shaun that he would say we were in this together but again, sure doesn't feel that way.     
So, now I guess I get started on me. Where the heck do I start on finding myself again? I lost a big part of me when we lost you. I was thinking the other day that you've been gone almost 8 months. 8 months papa.. it doesn't even seem possible. I wake up everyday and go through the motions of life. Bathing, dressing, going to work, paying the bills, doing what needs to be done but where am I? My sister in law asked me if I was happy. No daddy, I'm not. I haven't been for a long time. 8 months at least. I don't even remember right now how to be happy. What is happy? I've had moments of smiling but being happy. I don't know. Like mom says she does, I'm putting on a strong front. Fake it till you make it.. I've heard that too. I think the only thing that would make me happy right now would be a phone call from you or one of your big hugs. You always gave the best hugs. You always had the best advice when I was down like this. When I was packing I found that box you made me and inside I found a note you had written me. Reading it made me feel like for just a second, you were here. How I wish you were.
I made some changes to your room. I hope that's OK. As I was working on it, I could just hear you telling me to do what I needed to to make myself comfortable. You were always like that. I'm not sure you would have so freely given up as much space but I'm sure we would have come to some understanding as me and mom have. I'm really hoping that being here and staying here with mom is going to be good. I just don't want to feel like I'm in her way or keeping her from doing the things she wants to do, like retire or go places. Like she has to drag me along cuz I'm here. I think once I find a job I will be busy and won't feel like such a problem to her. I know she'd say it's not a problem for me to be here, just feel like it right now. Like I don't belong here but right now papa.. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I just wanna run and get Rob and go some place and be with my son. I feel like a bad mom in a way for leaving him there. I know I asked him to come but I still feel like I left him.. didn't fight hard enough to get him to come. I just keep thinking that he's 17 and old enough to make a decision as to where he wants to finish his high school years. He is almost done with his junior year of high school. Then will be his all important senior year and he's in a good school, with good teachers and he has friends there. He didn't have but one here. He said that he didn't want to come back cuz he was so picked on in grade school he didnt want to deal with that again. He still has some issues with a few of the boys in his school now but he knows how to handle it better I guess. I don't know, what's done is done. Mom said come summer we need to make it so enticing for him that he won't want to leave.. I sorta agree, cuz I want him here with me but I also think he has to make the decision on his own and not worry if it's going to make me sad if he chooses to go back to Georgia. He'll come back to me, I know he will. It's about time to let that little bird of mine fly and as much as I want to clip him wings so he can't I know that I have to start to let go. I just remember what you told me, That even the eagle has to land some time. Right now we are working on getting his wings strong enough to fly and my wings are a bit injured and flying is not happening right now. So, I'm grateful that mom let me come back to the nest and I will rest my wings and get strong again so I can soar high once again. Just where do I start? I better get my day started. I'm supposed to go meet Becky, my old boss, and see what she has in mind for me. Hoping its enough to work on the stupid debt so I don't have to have a second job but if it's not praying God will lead me to where I'm supposed to be. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

February 11

Hey papa.. I meant to show you this last night. You know I was telling you about this guy at work that reminds me so much of you. Well, I finally got up the courage to talk to him on Tuesday. Cried a little doing it but I told him about you. Told him how he reminded me of you and how we lost you. He said he was sorry to hear that and he said thank you when I told him that he reminded me of you. His name is Bill Bragg. He has the same eye color as you, dresses like you, has the same problems with his hips and knees that you did--only know that cuz I overheard him telling the coffee gang about it, eats his breakfast like you..2 eggs over medium with sausage, grits and toast with his coffee black. He sounds like you when he talks.. not your voice but your mannerisms, how you talked. This is what he looks like.. it just took my breath away the first time he came in. So how they say that there are other ppl in the world that look like you, I once thought was hooey but this just kinda proves it to me. God how I miss you. I gotta go papa.. going to go get Rob from Judy's to take him to school one last time. Can't believe this is the last time I will get to take him maybe ever. I leave in the morning. Cried myself to sleep last night thinking about that. I just keep thinking there has to be another way but what's done is done. My dream is officially dead. About to jump in a boiling cess pool of bill collectors haunting me and worrying about all the implications of what we're about to do. OK.. need to go for now. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

February 10

Hey papa. Its been a while.. sorry I haven't been here but you know I've still been talking to you. So much has happened since I last sat down and took the time to write you. God how I miss you and need you right now. My life is falling apart. Feels that way anyhow. The weather has been nasty. You've had snow and lots of it back home. You probably would be glad you missed this winter. Its been one of the snowiest in a long time. Mama went a few days without heat cuz something messed up on the furnace but she was able to fix it. Work for me has been going good. Tuesday was my last day though. This is what has been going on.. we are giving up the house. Walking away from it. This is your son-in-law's idea. He thinks we are having money problems. We are, but not epic split up the family go in our own direction problems but he seems to think they are that bad. They are more the we don't have much money to speak of after bills are paid so we have to eegads budget kind of problem. You know, life. Anyway--So, his idea is for us to go our separate ways for a while and "regroup". I'm coming home and am gonna stay with mom and work and pay down the credit cards. They have somehow became my responsibility, even though we both were the ones who ran them up. I don't completely understand either papa but you gotta remember this is coming from Shaun. I'm gonna share your room with Snick and mom is letting me bring my cats. No sir.. not all of them. Just 2 of them. A friend took the others and found them new homes. Yes, Snick is going to be beside himself cuz it's his house I know but he likes me so I think I can convince him this is gonna be OK. 

I just can't believe this is my life daddy. I shouldn't be the age I am and moving back home and have nothing to show for the life I've lived. I feel like such a failure. I feel like Shaun has given up on us, on me. I feel so unimportant to him and like he'll be happier I'm gone. He and Rob are gonna stay here with Judy. When he came up with this plan I wasn't even part of it staying at his mom's. Nice, huh? When we went to talk to her about them staying there she said I could fend for myself. SO fine. I can play just as hard ball as he can. He says this isn't a break up but it sure feels like one. I asked Rob to come with me and he said he wanted to stay to finish school. He has friends here and is in a good school. There is a girl he likes, her name is Katie. He calls her Kat. Shaun got me some roses for Valentine's Day and I can't travel with roses so I gave them to Rob. He's going to give them to Katie tomorrow at school. OMG. Interested in seeing how that pans out. Told him to tread lightly cuz she has a boyfriend already. But she likes him. He walks her to the bus every night after school and they talk. I'm so happy for him. Just hope she doesn't break his heart. It kills me to leave him here. He and I have been together since conception. He's the air that I breathe. I am going to miss him terribly. Right now, I sorta wanna get away from Shaun and I sorta don't. I'm hurt that I don't feel like I mean anything to him and that he thinks it's best for us to separate for God knows how long. To pay off the debt we have, its going to take a while. But I also don't wanna leave cuz he's my husband. Its hard to explain but I'm sure you know what I mean. I love him but I just don't get why this is the best thing. I feel like I've been bad and am getting sent to sit in the corner till I figure out what I did. I feel like I'm being punished. 

The ppl at work all say they are going to miss me. I am going to miss them and my job. I liked my job. I liked my customers. I got about $45 in tips in 3 days cuz they knew I was leaving. A few of the regulars told me the place wouldn't be the same without me there. That I am a very special lady and they wish me the best. Today I went in and was talking to Sparky and Bill and Dennis. Sparky and Bill said Shaun was a fool for letting me go. That he apparently doesn't realize what a good woman I am if he's gonna let me leave. Hell, he's not letting me leave daddy.. I have no other choice. We discussed all the options and all the things we could do, bankruptcy, debt consolidation, renting a smaller house, him getting a job.. you name it, we probably thought it over. Every idea I came up with he shot down. He's convinced this is the best thing to do. So, heck..lets play. Today I told him that its just gonna kill me to say goodbye to him and Rob and to drive away from here. He said, well then.. I guess you have a goal ahead of you.. to get things taken care of so we can be a family again. What?!! Like this is somehow my job and I alone have to work to get us back together. I was talking to Susan last week and told her what was going to happen and she said that Shaun doesn't deserve me. I don't know. I ask myself why we got back together but I know God had His hand in it. So, if we're meant to be back together why now are we going our separate ways? We got a storage unit and its my job to pay for it too but we got all of our stuff to it last night. There is quite a bit we're going to leave but you'd be proud of me cuz I gave quite a bit to ppl I know could use the stuff. Today I cleaned out my pantry and took all the food to work for the girls and when I told one of them what I had in the car she said, hold on and went and got Charlotte, one of the managers. I told Ms Char what I had and she said Oh my gosh, how did you know I needed groceries? I ended up giving it all to her. Should keep her fed for a while. That made me feel kinda good knowing I helped her out like that. She sent me a message later that said thank you and she could use all of it and that she misses me already.

Anyway, Im going to try to pay a year on the car insurance so I don't have to worry about it each month then I will have like less than 200 in bills.. not counting what I have to pay for credit cards. Have to find a job or two first before I can start working on them. Mom is going to take me to credit counseling ppl you guys went to, to help me get things manageable. Mom gave me permission to girly up your bathroom. I hope that is OK and I'm going to make your room a little more girly too. Not too much, cuz Snick won't stand for too much girlifying.. lol...just enough to make it comfortable for me. I'm going back to the bus barn I think, maybe just part time.. so I will probably have to have a 2nd job. I hate the thought of having to work at night but I just might have to. I like working days. I'm a morning person. Always have been. 
Its gonna be so different not seeing Rob and Shaun every day. Shaun wants to stay here for his mom and cuz he doesn't want to move back to Kansas. But now he's got more reason to stay cuz of Rob. I told him Rob had best remain his 1st priority and making sure Rob has what he needs is of the utmost importance. I mean like help with whatever and keeping him safe. Oh daddy. My life has gone to pot since you left. Seems like the rock starting rolling down the hill when we lost you and gained momentum as it made its way to the bottom running over any dream I may have ever had for this house and for my life and family. I could sure use one of your hugs and your sage advice right now. I've cried so many tears the last few weeks thinking about leaving here. I will drive away from here for the last time on Saturday morning. I was going to leave tomorrow but Rob has a school dance and he wants me to stay so he can tell me about it afterwards. He came by today after school. We spent the evening together. He helped me get the last of our stuff together and all the trash out. We did his homework and had some quality snuggle time. To know that was the last time we'll snuggle made and makes me cry. He is such a sweet sweet boy. All I can do is pray that he will stay on the right path and continue doing well in school and graduate. I'm sure there is more I could tell you but I will leave it there tonight. I miss you papa. Your baby girl isn't doing very well, your baby girl needs her daddy to wrap his arms around her and tell her everything is going to be OK cuz I sure don't feel like it is going to be right now. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3