June 17, 2014

Hey there papa. 4 years ago or shall I say 1461 days, 3 hours, 53 minutes and 27 seconds ago life for all of us changed. I still remember the phone call I got from Aunt Norma, her telling me, "Mindy honey, I'm so sorry. Your dad was killed in an accident this morning...." I think she might have said more to me but I don't know. I lost it. Straight lost it. I didn't know then it was possible to shed so many tears, to hurt that bad. To want to die in that moment. You were my best friend daddy. You always listened to me go on about something that was important to me and let me just get it out. You'd let me cry on your shoulder, hug me tight and tell me everything was going to be OK but at that moment you were no longer able to. I remember the drive home to Kansas with Shaun and Robbie. I think that's the quickest I've ever gotten there. I had to get to mom to hug her, hold her. I was so worried about her and you. I wanted to see you but they wouldn't let us until we got to the funeral home. I hoped it was some sick joke, that you were gonna come around the corner any minute and everything was going to be fine. But no. It had really happened. I remember how your truck looked, the blood that had ran down the door. The air bag out. The mail on your dash. You had done your morning errands and had been to the post office but had been too early to pick up the package I had sent you for Father's Day. I went with mom and we picked it up. I remember the clerk handing it to me and me holding it so tight, bawling again. Poor Snickee not understanding why all of us were crying and so sad and you weren't there. When we came in from the sheriff's office with your things and Snick sniffing them and looking so confused that you weren't with your stuff. He's a great dog daddy. Mom has taken good care of him since you left. He's like the final piece of you left. I'm glad he's with mom to give her some companionship, someone to talk to even though he can't "talk" back. I don't wanna make this a sad day. It was a sad day but life has gone on and must go on. Last year mom and I met for lunch and it was a good day. I'm alone today but somehow I'm going to make it a good day. Joe is working and I keep my circle real small so not anyone I can really call today to hang out with. But I wanna remember the good days. The laughs we shared, the talks we had. I loved our phone calls daddy. I looked forward to them every week. I remember our last. It was the Sunday before the accident. You called me and told me you just wanted to call to tell me you love me. You had important things to do and were going to be busy all week. It's like you knew. We talked about things going on with me, nothing exciting, The last thing we said to each other was I love you and that daddy is one thing I'm so happy about. Some people part having said cross words or something they later might regret. I luckily was able to tell you one last time, I love you, if I had only known it would be THE last time.
I remember growing up and always being your sidekick. Your little helper. I remember washing your motorcycle and you told me to go turn on the hose and I slipped and fell and hit my head on the spicket right in the middle of my forehead and you carrying me in the house, laying me on the kitchen table and mom and grandma taking care of me. I always wanted to take a ride on that bike but you sold it before we could. I remember going on a family trip and you picking me up and pretending you were gonna throw me over the bridge, I had on these bright red tennis shoes. I knew you weren't really gonna do it. I always felt so safe with you. Our family trip, just us and mom. The boys were at church camp and we went to Branson. That was probably one of my favorite times. Getting you and mom to myself. The times we'd go fishing, I hated fishing but loved spending time with you, you'd bait my hook and help me cast it out. I'd sit there and reel it back in slowly and never catch anything. I remember when we were fishing at night one time and I touched the lantern and burned my hands, you wrapped my hands in a wet t-shirt until we got home and the time I got stung by a bee and you took me home and put this baking soda mixture on my leg. When we'd go to breakfast, just you and me. You eating the jelly on the table, because it was there. Dumpster diving, our roadside finds, you teasing me with possums or tell me a possum story. I'll always cherish that one last road trip we had together when you and I drove back here because I had to be home for work the next morning and I couldn't get a flight back. I have so many wonderful memories of you daddy. You were old school and you taught us your values, taught us respect and right from wrong and would correct us when we forgot and you taught us how to treat other people. You were the kindest man I had ever known. You'd do anything for anybody. I remember on one the last trips home before the accident, you and I had gone to Dillon's and there was this guy leaving and he had a bunch of groceries and was on a bike, you told him to put his groceries in the back with his bike and to get in and we took him home. I thought you had lost your mind doing this for a stranger but that was who you were. Kind hearted. You'd see a person in need and you'd step up. I see ppl and wanna lend a hand too but the way the world is you just can't anymore and that's sad. People are plum crazy dad. I could sit here all day and write about all the fun, crazy, happy and not so happy times we had but I think ima find something to do. Something that makes me smile and think of you. Thank you for being my father, and my friend. I'm beyond blessed having to had you as mine. I love you dad so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

June 15

Hi daddy. Today is Father's Day. I kept it together today. Better than years past, when I'd be sad and cry off and on cuz you're not here. I know you would be if you could be. Had to work this morning. We were so busy. I don't like busy. And church people. They act like we're beneath them cuz we are working and they went to church. They leave such a mess too. Almost hard to believe they've just come from church.
So, what do I know... not a damn thing daddy. Life is going good. Joe and I are still happy as clams. Bills paid, food in our cupboards, gas in the car. Have some tenants I want gone so bad but for some reason Denny is dragging his heels, saying we need more complaints from other tenants about them being disruptive. Seriously? We gave them a letter about a month ago that said basically, shut up or get out and one more complaint and they were to be sent away but even though we've gotten said complaint, he's saying now he needs more. Ugh! If the gig wasn't so sweet and our place wasn't so close to both of our jobs I'd almost entertain moving but that will be a chore and a half. We've accumulated a lot in the short time we've been together. Pretty impressive from what we started with, a bed and a TV.
Both our jobs are going good. Joe got promoted to shift manager Tuesday. I didn't think it'd ever happen. He has to wait until the new quarter starts before they start training him but he got it. He'll get his pay raise when he starts training. I'm still pleased in the position I'm in. I still want assistant manager but I don't want to have to transfer to another store if I get it, that's why I haven't gotten into the books. Don't fix what ain't broke, ya know.
Mom is going to be here Friday. I wanted to meet her halfway or maybe go to her house on the 17th but she's busy this week doing church camp. Plus we don't really have the extra money for gas and Joe wouldn't let me go alone cuz he has a lot to do around here Wednesday and can't get away. I was a little upset that we had talked and planned on meeting for lunch or something the 17th and then all of the sudden she had church camp to do. But I understand, that's mom and that's life. Mom has always found stuff to keep her busy. I don't know if she does it so she doesn't have to think about what's going on or if she just doesn't know how to light. I'm glad though she can come Friday. Tuesday it'll have been 4 years since you left. I'm taking Tuesday off, I don't know what I'm going to do but we'll be talking that day. I work Monday then I'm off until Saturday afternoon. Almost wish I could get away from here a few days but alas, I cannot. I had asked for Tuesday off, Wed/Thurs are my usual days off and Friday I asked if I could work 12-5 cuz mom won't be here until the evening but I guess she didn't need me so I'm off. I'll figure out something to do with myself.  I know nothing else. Happy Father's Day! Miss you so much. I love you dad! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit!