September 26

Hey Papa. I'm really missing you today. Heck, I really miss you every day. Today I was on my way to work and it was dark and I was trying to change the CD and grabbed the CD I have with songs I put on it that remind me of you and mom. The first song was, Walked on Water by Randy Travis. I listened to it for a minute, then had to change it cuz I about started crying. I coulda just seen me get to work and tears running down my cheeks. I tried to change the music and grabbed another CD with songs I have on it that make me think of you and mama. 3 times it happened!! I think someone was trying to talk to me, weren't you?! I haven't forgotten about you dad, how could I? You mean so much to me. You were such a huge part of my life. I was just thinking it's Sunday night. We used to call each other on Sunday nights. How I'd love a phone call from you about now. Having a hard day today dad. Don't know why. I think I get a handle on things, on my emotions, than something makes me think of you and I start crying like a baby again. 

Mom went to the work meeting she has every year. That one in Wichita where you get your picture drawn. She said it was OK. I felt so bad for her yesterday cuz I know how much she wasn't looking forward to going and to having to explain where you were. She said that a few ppl asked and she told them and got hugs from some ppl. I can't imagine papa. She's a strong lady. She puts up a strong front. I know that inside though it took all she had to stay and how much she just wished you were there with her. Maybe you were, in some way. Have you been keeping an eye on her? Wrapping her in your arms and keeping her safe? She certainly needs it. She's been having a hard time lately. She puts on her happy face when she's around other ppl but when she's home again with just Snick, I think the silence is deafening. I've asked her to reach out to someone. Find someone to talk to if she can't talk to me. I've told her she can talk to me. I've given her the number for hospice so she can find a counselor. Not sure she will, so please daddy, watch over her. I don't think I could handle losing her too. Losing you has been a crushing blow, it's been the hardest thing I've ever, ever had to deal with. There's this song by Cinderella. One of those 80's hair bands I like.. anyway, it's called, "Don't know what you got (till it's gone)" and that's so true.. but with you, we knew what we had. We had an angel among us. You had the biggest heart dad. You were nice to everyone. I miss you daddy. Tomorrow, the grief support group starts. I don't know that I'll talk but I'm gonna go and give it a try. Think I'm gonna head to bed. I work at 6 again tomorrow. I went to bed last night and it seemed like I laid down, closed my eyes and the alarm was going off. Ugh. Made for a long day. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

September 21

Hey papa. How are you today? I'm doing. I went and saw Susan today. It was OK. We talked about mom and how she's been feeling. Mom has been really sad lately. She said she's crying more now then she did 3 months ago. I think it's cuz she kept things in. Kept saying she was OK but has been broken inside. I know that's how I was, but the opposite.. I'm still broken but now I've found a few of the pieces to start to put things back together. It's done me good to work on the things I have.. the video and the collage and finding Susan to talk to. I'm still crying every day but she's helping me make sense of how I've been feeling. How to get my feelings sorted out and all that. Next Monday she has a support group starting. I think I'm going to give it a try. I told her today I'm not sure that I can talk to these ppl like I talk to her. She said I don't have to talk if I don't want to. Probably won't the first time. We also talked about Shaun. He had me so mad last night daddy. I coulda screamed he had me so mad. His meds are outta whack and he's being a _____! I know how you didn't like when I used language, sorry about that by the way. Anyway, we're broke and he got some money from his mom and got gas in his car and had $10 left and gave it to me. I was gonna use it for gas. Then yesterday morning as I'm getting ready for work he comes in and asks for it back cuz he needed cigarettes. The fact that he put his selfish needs over what I had to have was the 1st thing that irked the crap outta me. Things only got worse when I got back from work. Rob got some money from Judy for some work he did and gave it to me for a book we're ordering for him and I was gonna use that for my gas. I asked Shaun to take it and get me gas and he wouldn't do it cuz I made him use his change to get the hash browns he had to have for dinner. He had me so mad. But anyway, Susan said that Shaun was being manipulative and a bit adolescent by not doing anything around here and pouting and getting defensive when I ask for help. 

I did get paid today, thank goodness. The first check in 3 months. It's already gone but we have food again and I have gas in my car. I'm gonna have to piece together the house payment and hope I can get all the other bills paid. I hate being in this situation. I have to make master cashier. It will give us about $400 more a month. That'll help immensely. I don't know much more tonight papa. Except that I miss you still just terribly. There has been so many days I've wanted to call you and just talk to you. Hear your voice and laughter. I love you papa. (forehead kiss-- and a big hug!!) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

September 18

Hey papa.. how u doin'? Saw you again in my dreams yesterday. Guess it's the only place I'm gonna see you for now. You were talking to Brian. I don't know about what. I just saw you talking to him, sitting at the table. I heard you saying, Clyde? Clyde? Clyde? You were calling me over but I couldn't come for some reason. But it was nice to see you anyway. I found some pictures of you, of the family. I'm gonna try to scan them in the computer if I can get my scanner to work. OK. Couldn't get my scanner to work but used Shaun's. Here.. see.. that's all of us in October of 72 and that's our family pic we took back in hmm, I don't remember when.. I think I was about 6 or 7 so hmm, 78-79? I'm sure mom probably knows.  

I have lots more too papa. I cried like a baby as I was loading them. I miss you so very much. 

Today I recorded your messages off my phone. I got a message and had to go through all of yours to get to it. I'm not sure I'm gonna be ready to hit 7 when I listen to them again. I bawled like a baby when I went through the first time of the recording. I had to do it three times just to get it right. 

Today at work it was so busy. I was going from the minute I clocked in and didn't stop. It was crazy aggravating. 3rd shift didn't do all their job so I had to pick up their slack. I gotta go to bed early again tonight. Work at 6am again. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

September 14

Hey papa. Just woke up from a nap and I had a dream about you. We were in the old house. I walked out of my room and you were in the living room. I couldn't believe you were there. You said, Hi kid! You were wearing your navy blue shirt and your overalls. You gave me big bear hugs. Lots of them. You told me how you missed me and I told you I thought I would never see you again. Asked you where you have been. I kept telling you I was too heavy for you to be picking me up when you hugged me but you said, it ain't nothing. You asked me where mama was and I said, work I guess. It was so real daddy. One of those dreams you don't wanna wake up from. But I had to wake up. If I sleep too long during the day, I can't sleep at night.

I talked to Bubby yesterday. He said he's OK. I think he's just OK. He sounded a little down through all the rest of what he said. He told me he hasn't been paid in over a month and all his bills are due. I feel bad for him cuz I'm in the same place. I wish I could help him like he's always helped me but I can't. I'm not even gonna be able to make my house payment this month. He told me he got fired the other day too. I guess he was asleep and you know how hard he sleeps. I guess they were trying to call him and he wasn't answering and it made the boss mad and he told him he was fired and to clean out the truck and bring it back to Arkansas. He went home and the next day he was getting ready to clean it out, they called him and told him he was rehired and had a load for him. Sounds like the company he works for is a POS. He has a new "friend". Met her online too. She lives in Australia. Australia papa! Don't get it. There are women in the US that he could date but Australia?? His biz, not mine. 

Mom went to the knee doctor today. She said all is going good. She returns in 4 weeks. Don't know all the details 'cept that. Mom seems to be OK. She is keeping busy. Taking her classes, doing books for everyone and working. I still worry about her and hope she will ask for help if she needs it. She's been spending time with Richard. I guess that's good. Just hope that it stays good. 

I've passed almost all of the WBT's I have to do for master cashier. Have just a few more to do. Work is going OK. Wish they would get their act together though. It was Monday before they had this week's schedule up and it should have been up on Thursday or Friday. Just ridiculous cuz ppl don't know until the last minute. I wasn't able to see Susan this week cuz I didn't know my schedule early enough to schedule an appointment. I guess I didn't have to see her but it's nice having someone to talk to about things. Helping me make sense of all my feelings. I don't know if I will go to the support group she's gonna have that starts in a couple weeks. Don't know if I wanna talk about how I've been feeling with other ppl I don't know. Don't know much else. Need to go start dinner. Thanks for being in my dream today and for the hugs. I sure wish it was real, real though. I miss you so much dad. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

September 11

Hey papa. How you doing? It's been 12 weeks since you left us. 12 weeks ago today we laid you to rest. 86 days that you've been gone. I miss you so much daddy. I miss your laugh and your talks. I miss everything about you. I miss Bobby. Kaytlin hasn't been the same since he left. I haven't seen a lot of her since than either. She doesn't understand why you had to go away. She doesn't understand why grandma has been so sad. It's hard to explain to her. None of us understand why it had to be you. We all want you back. I haven't talked to Brian a whole lot either. I think he's taking you being gone pretty hard too. 

Today is the anniversary of the attack in New York. Been 9 years. I can still remember where I was when I heard about it. I had just gotten back from my route and was sweeping out my bus at the bus barn. I heard it on the radio and couldn't believe it. I went inside and it was on Good Morning America. This last week this crazy pastor in Florida wanted to have a Koran burning today but it got canceled thank goodness. Just the news of it sent shock waves thru the world. Just don't get why we can't get along papa. Why the world has to hate this person or that group just because they are different. 

Shaun became a grandpa today. His son's wife had her baby tonight. He is just beautiful daddy. Perfect. Shaun is pretty proud. He was crying when Rafe sent him the picture of him. I wish we had money so we could send a gift card but they understand that money is tight for us. 

Money is so tight right now daddy, we can't even go buy milk or eggs. I don't get paid until the 21st. I was going to pay $500 on my house payment but I can't cuz I'm only gonna get about that much and I have 130 bux in other bills that have to go out too and we have to get some groceries. I hate being an adult sometimes daddy. Hate it a whole lot. Hmm, what else.. oh, I passed the first 3 TIPS sheets..training in production and service..  at work for the master cashier thing. Have to get 100's on them and I did. Have to do some more WBT's.. web-based training and 2 more of the TIP sheets.  I have to get master cashier dad. Have to. Will bring in about $400 more a month when I do. God knows we need the money. I must get to bed. I have to be up at 430 in the morning. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Miss you so much!! Talk to you in a little bit. <3 

September 7

Hey papa.. How are you? Been a few days since we talked. Been busy with the new job. I'm liking it OK. My legs and feet have been so tired when I get off. I have to run the whole front by myself. Keeping things stocked, the lobby clean and the customers taken care of. It can get quite frustrating, especially when we're busy. We are short handed on the weekends and that makes it even worse. Today is payday there but I didn't get paid. Don't know why. I don't know how their pay periods run. Gonna have to figure that out cuz I needs me some money. Plus got bills to pay. There are days I really hate being an adult.  

Sorry there's been a few days between writing. I thought you were getting tired of my bugging you every day and I was running out of things to say. I'm starting to feel a little better. Not about losing you but that life must go on even though it feels at times that I just wish it wouldn't. Life as I knew it and know it has ended. There are so many days that I wish I could just pick up the phone and call you. Get caught up on what you've been doing since you left. How wonderful Heaven is. How big your new place is and about all the friends and family you've gotten to see again. How much fishing you've gotten to do and how many walking sticks you have gotten made. You know what I've been doing. Dying inside and trying to keep keeping on. It's about all I can do. Just survive.

I talked to that lady, Susan, again today. I shared the video I made for you with her and showed her the screen saver I put together too. She wants to use the video for some of her support groups. She said it was beautiful and shows how much I love you. That how powerful it is that a song can take you there, with that person. Every time I watch it, I cry. We talked about you and also about Rob and his Asperger's and Shaun and his bipolar and mom. How it's been hurting me to see her become distant. She says she's OK, that she's doing pretty good. Friday was the first night we've really talked since I was there last. I know that we all have to walk through this darkness by ourselves, this darkness of losing you, that we all handle it differently. I just worry she's gonna get lost in it. That she won't see the light from my lamp, Brian's or Richard's or even one of your friends to lead her out of it. I keep telling her I'm there for her and I'm sure she knows that. I'm still crying every day. It's like I have to, like the day isn't complete unless I have. Weird and silly I know but still when I see you picture or have a thought of you or when I've had a bad day and just wanna call you and can't, it all makes me cry. We talked about the boys too. How Brian and I are close and me and Richard aren't. How when we were kids how it was opposite. I was telling her how Richard can be when he gets mad and stops talking to us. How that makes it hard to trust him with my heart and with anything I may want to tell him. She asked if I had support besides her. I was telling her how I can talk to Bubby and mom and my friends. She said it's good to have ppl to talk to, to vent to, to trust with your emotions. I guess I have that. She asked me if I was lonely. I don't think I'm lonely. I think I'm sad, that I'm still dealing with this massive loss. I think that I'm past the darkest of the darkness but still wading through it. Think I'm going to go see what's doing. I miss you so so much. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

September 1

Hey papa.. How have you been? I've been OK. I still miss you so insanely much. I went to see Susan on Monday. She's really nice. She listened and gave me some info to read. Also told me that you've left quite a legacy for me to follow. I showed her your picture and she said that you look like a colorful character, someone that just invited the world in. You certainly did, you never knew a stranger. She told me that looking at you she can tell you walked with God. She told me that me writing this blog and that video I made you was a good thing. That I'm immersing myself in the pain and grief and letting myself experience it and that's the beginning of healing. I'm still crying everyday but I'm gonna be OK, one day. She wants to see me again but not sure when.

I started my new job on Tuesday. So far, so good. I wanted to call you so bad yesterday and tell you about my day. I got home from work and turned on my computer and watched that video I made you and cried and cried. They said I did wonderful for my first day and they even started me on the master cashier stuff.. my first day! She had told me that she was gonna have me ready in 6 weeks to test for master cashier and she wasn't kidding. I can tell you my outta shape getting older self ain't use to the being on my feet all day. My legs and feet are just screaming. Looking forward to the end of the day tomorrow cuz I'm off on Friday and my feet hurt!!! But I am happy not sitting on my butt all day and that's what I wanted. I talked to my TL from Convergys today and told her I wasn't coming back. She said she understood and wished me luck. 

So, what have you been doing this week? How many walking sticks have you got done this week? Fall is on the way. The weather has been so nice in the mornings and evening. I like spring and fall. I know you never like it too hold or cold, now it will be perfect weather all the time. I wonder if, since it's Heaven, that the weather is your version of perfect or God's.. wish you could tell me. I wish you could tell me LOTS of things. I miss you so much. Gonna go for now. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.