March 22

Hi dad. I miss Rob a lot. Ain't seen his punk ass since he left almost 3 years ago. April 1 will be 3 years. I never thought he'd leave for one and two, that he'd never come back. I think I was a good mom to him. He was the air I breathed. He n I were so close and now our relationship is not what it was and probably never will be again. He likes to blame it on Joe. Says Joe is the issue but part of me thinks maybe I did mother him too much. Smothered him with too much love, if that's possible. I don't know papa, I just know I miss my son. And you. I miss you something awful. If you were here you could maybe talk some sense into him. He said he might come in July. I hope he does, I doubt he will though. 

I've been working on the family tree stuff. I've found out so many interesting things. I wish you were around so I could tell you about it and ask you things. I've been asking Uncle Dennis about your kin and he said he didn't know anything and keeps referring me to Aunt Nonie. I don't want to talk to her. Lucretia contacted me on FB, I guess cuz UD told her I was asking stuff and told me she'd tell her I had questions. I told her I'd be OK. I had that family tree stuff Uncle Virgil had given us but it's all Greek to me. I haven't come across any of the ppl in it yet. I don't know where they fall in the line. I'm looking mainly for direct blood relatives, not every single person. Ppl's spouses and children, that stuff, though interesting kinda throws me off track. I need to get a notebook and write down what I got or print out what I have. You might be impressed with all I've found. It's a lot. 

I started my new position the other day. Last night I closed service desk by myself. I think I did alright. I have to get the money center learning stuff done asap cuz I start over there on Saturday. Idk when I'll have the time though cuz I have to do them on the clock. I'm sure I'll get them done, just don't know when. 

Mom is quitting her job at the laundry mat. The owner n her daughter are being bitches to her. Momma doesn't deserve to be treated like that at all. Makes me wanna smack the lady. Mom n auntie were there when no one else were, even the daughter. When Karen was sick n couldn't be there, they were. Not the daughter. I really hope mom will be ok without the extra money. She thinks she will if she's careful. I don't know what that means. Idk if it means, ho hum I'll eat cold beans and use candles to save energy so I can pay my bills or if it means she just can't do as much traveling and spending. I worry about her daddy. I wish she was 10 minutes away, not 6-1/2 hours. I know she's where she wants to be, I just wish it was here. I made her promise me that when she can no longer take care of herself she come live with us, she did but I don't expect it to be for quite a while. I know though mom is a very strong willed, independent person. I wonder if the money Uncle Al was to invest for y'all is worth anything if she needs it. Hmm. Idk papa. Keep an eye on her, OK? I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

March 8

Hi papa. It's been a minute since we've talked. How goes it in Heaven? Down here all hell is breaking loose. Ppl done lost their minds. Donald Trump n Hillary Clinton are front runners for president. Lord help us all. I have not much of an opinion about the election except we are so screwed if either of these idiots get elected. Hillary will give us 4 more years of the same crap Obama has put us through. She reminds me of that horrible substitute teacher you hoped you'd never get because she just yells and treats everyone as if they are the idiot when it's her that doesn't know squat and Donald will surely lead us into the next world, if not, civil war. He's so awful. Such a biggot and so rude. There will be a race war for sure. You would be shocked if you saw some of the things they've ok'd and society has accepted nowadays. Sodom n Gomorrah is surely happening again. The day's gonna come and ppl are gonna be rudely awoken and reminded who's in charge. 

Mom is on her way home from being here and in Florida. She came February 20th with auntie. They were here for the weekend then drove to Florida. They went to Sea World and Disney. Then auntie flew home and mom stayed and she went to a quilt retreat with a bunch of other ladies. Pampered herself n had a grand time. I was so happy that she got to go do it. She deserved to spoil herself a bit. She worked so hard for so many years as you know. She stopped and saw your sister Sunday. She gave mom some pictures of you when you were a kid. You were so handsome and they reminded me of Rob. And those blue eyes. I always loved your blue eyes. Like windows to your soul. I miss you so much daddy. Oh the talks we'd have if only we could. How I miss our weekly phone calls.  Snick was an utter trial while she was away. He wouldn't go out for us unless we drug him outside then would stand at the door and look at us like why am I out here? He is a sweet puppy but not gonna lie, I'm glad he's gone home. I wish mom could have stayed longer but I know she had to get home. I enjoy when she's here. The older I get the more I just want time with her. Even if we just hang out and fall asleep on the couch together. I cried a little after she left. I don't usually cry when she leaves but idk, just teared up a bit saying goodbye to her this time. Idk when I'll get to see her again. Probably the summer or fall. 

Things with Joe are good. I'm still happy. Just days I'm not. I feel at times he's a bit controlling and things have to be just so. Like I don't have a voice and my opinion doesn't count. If I voice my opinion, he scoffs and says I'm being silly. I do things his way to avoid conflict. In the end it doesn't really matter and overall I'm much happier than I used to be. Life is much better than it was before with S. Past couple months have been kinda hard because he quit BK but we've made it thru. Bills are paid and there's food to eat. The essentials. We'll both be happy when we're able to start saving money again along with having the essentials. He just started a new job installing windows in buildings. It's outside work and he loves being outside. He was able to get his drivers license back and also got a vehicle with the help of our landlord. We owe the landlord like close to 5 grand but Joe thinks we can get him paid back pretty quick. Idk. I need to get mom paid back as well. 

Things at my job are good. I'm so enjoying it. I've always wanted to be a cashier and now I am and I love it. They are working getting me trained for service desk n hopefully soon for the money center where I'll be able to cash checks and do money orders. 

Ya know, it's been almost three years since I've seen Robbie. April 1 it will be three years. I never thought when he drove off that day I'd never see him again. My sweet baby boy. He n I were so close and now our relationship is nothing like it was. I think it would be quite awkward if I got to see him, sorta strained. I would hope it wouldn't be but it might. It's just like he doesn't have the time for me when he calls. He drones on about things I don't understand. I tell him a little about what's going on with me and then when I start asking questions he's got to go like he doesn't want me to know things. Idk, it's just awkward and annoys me.  I guess if I think about things it all boils down to I'm not in charge of anything anymore and I don't know how to handle it sometimes. I feel unwanted and not needed by, frankly, everyone. Ppl say they want me around but there are times I feel it would be best for everyone if I wasn't. I'm just existing but idk what for. Some ppl may read more into that then there is. I'd never check out, I'll just go along and keep my mouth shut. 

I've had an awful cold for two weeks. Keep spitting n blowing out this awful green yuck. Just want it to go away. I love you daddy. I miss you so much. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.