December 30

Hi Papa.. It's been a day. That's for sure. Idiot coworkers, idiot customers, idiot ex husband, idiot tenants. Grrrr.. having a Monday yes I am. Let's start with coworkers, there's this guy I work with that is also a mgr and he half asses things all the time but gets away with it cuz he's been there so long. Just irks me, nothing I can do about it but be irked so I shall be. Idiot customers, old dude comes in and orders fish, slaw and hushpuppies, I ring up a 1pc fish with slaw and extra pups. He said, I wanted 2 fish after I total it out and give him his change, I tell him it's 1.81 for the other fish, he says he wants it on one ticket so I have to do a void to get it on one ticket. The way I rang it, his total was 5.43 then changing it so its all on one ticket made it 6.02, I promise you old dude, I don't care if it costs you more cuz I tried to save you money to begin with and you didn't apparently want me to so it is what it is. Deal with it. Idiot Ex, I call to tell him I'm wiring Rob's birthday money and he says OK we'll pick it up tonight, get me the confirmation number and we'll go do it.. I do it, call to give it to him and he's asleep.. for the night and it's 630 in Utah right now. Grrrrr.. I also put the wrong payout location when I did it so I had to call and change it to Utah so he could get his money. So hopefully it'll work out. I also called Krispy Kreme out there and ordered him 20 donut holes and a large chocolate milk. Hopefully dumdum doesn't screw that up for me. And our idiot tenants.. just some I'd LOVE to see leave. Just the usual BS from them. I loathe when its time for rent to be paid and all the sorted crap stories we get every month from the same ones. It's irritating.
Mom found out her surgery is going to be on February 10th. Oh daddy. I'm so not happy about it but it is her body and her decision. I wish she could see what a beautiful person she is and how much she DOESN'T need to do the stupid surgery. I was really hoping and praying that her going to the gym would be enough for her to lose the weight she thinks she needs to lose. She weighs less than me dad. And I would never ever do that surgery. Ever. I don't like this spot and that spot on me but Joe loves every bit of me, fat or not. He makes me feel beautiful even though the rest of the world doesn't see me that way. I know that losing weight, being a certain weight, is a personal thing and I'm not knocking her for wanting to lose weight but I just don't think surgery is her answer and I can't believe the doctor would OK this. If she was 2 tons of fun and couldn't walk and talk at the same time, I'd say yeah mom go for it but she's not. She's 66 years old, should be enjoying her retirement and she's just getting into the swing of things, she should be doing fun things like the cruise she went on and going places with Auntie, her quilting. Not fretting about what she weighs. It just makes me so sad and makes me wonder what's going thru her head. The WHY, I mean a good reason why. I told her I'd put a smile on and fake it but daddy, that's gonna be hard. Makes me wanna cry. I wanted to go up to help her after she had the surgery but it'll be Valentine's weekend and I wanna be with Joe on Valentine's day. She said Auntie will be there and that's good but I wanted to be there too. I think I'm gonna go eat a worm.
A couple more hours and my Joey will be home. I wish you were around so I could really talk to you. I need a daddy hug today in the worst way. I saw a tanker today and it just hit me out of no where and I was tearing up. I miss you papa so much. A girl I work with her dad left her mom and them and he sends the girls a good morning text everyday to try to stay connected to them.. she said she could care less. If she only knew how much I wish I could get a good morning text from my dad everyday. There are some ppl who wish they could have what she doesn't appreciate. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

December 25

Hi papa.. Merry Christmas!!! You're spending Christmas with Jesus. It must be miraculous! I'm spending the day with Brian. Its our first Christmas together in who knows how long. He gets to be here until tomorrow afternoon. So that's kewl. I don't know a whole lot. I got a stereo for my car and this coffee pot that you can make one cup at a time. You'd have liked it. I got Joe a lot of what he wanted. He was happy which made me happy. Things at work are going OK. I'm not going anywhere though. I don't know when and if I will. She had said I'm in line for asst mgr but idk. I don't really think so. Don't really know nothing daddy. 3 Christmases without you. It sucks. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

  

November 30

Hi papa.. So how magnificent was the spread on Thursday? I'm sure it's done way up right up there in Heaven. Joe and I just spent Thursday together. Just another day off for us. We slept most of the day. Had brunch about 2ish. Then took another nap. Don't really know much. Just wanted to say hello. Mom had her appointment Wednesday to see if she can get the surgery. She said she'll know for sure in a week or so. Still hoping the dr says no but I'll do my best to be supportive if it's yes. I just really, really don't think she needs to have it done. I just think there are so many alternatives. So many other safe ways to lose weight where you can keep your body in one piece. I wonder what you would have told her, I wonder if you would have gone along with it to please her or if you would have said no way or if she would have even told you about it, meaning keep it to herself she wanted to do it. Its not my place to tell her she shouldn't do it but I can lend my opinion.  She's been doing things she's always wanted to do with auntie. I'm glad she's able to finally do them. I'm doing the same thing with Joe. S never wanted to do anything with me. It was always either video games, sleep or cigarettes. When we moved down here they started having their vacations without me cuz I couldn't get off work.
Mom came last week. It was good to have her here. Sucked to see her leave. We didn't really do much. Just hung out around here. She cooked. It was good. I've missed that home cooking. I cook but I don't make things like she cooks. I need to get all her recipes before I'm not able to so I can make them later. I wanted her to make egg noodles but I forgot. We had so much other yummy things. Coulda gone for a chocolate sheet cake but Joe thinks its too rich. No point in making something not everyone is going to enjoy, right? I don't really know anything else. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) I still miss you every day. Talk to you in a little bit.

November 14

Hi papa..I don't know much, I just wanted to say hello. Mom will be here next week. I'm looking forward to it. Its not the actual Thanksgiving but it'll still be nice to have her here. We're still gonna have tday dinner. Do it up big as Joe said. Mom said it's about family and being together, so it shall be.
Mom is still convinced to get that surgery. I wish I could talk her out of it but she is determined. There's still time daddy if you could talk to the big guy and get him to pass the right info onto the dr's she's going to see the 27th. She said we'd talk more about it when she comes. Missy is gonna talk to her too. I just still think there are other options. Better options that leave her body parts intact that the good Lord gave her when she entered this world.
Rob gave Shaun a Christmas list a mile long and he's actually getting him most of the stuff on the list. They gave me "my list".. the expensive stuff, the stuff they don't wanna get him or didn't want to but decided to go ahead and get anyway. So, I'm mad now and don't wanna play so I'm probably gonna just get him a gift card, send him some money. He's almost 20, he doesn't need lots of presents on Christmas. If it had been me I would have said, OK, pick 3 things on here and let it go at that. S still treats R like he's 12 and not almost 20.
You know, life has changed so much in a years time. A year ago I was fighting with dumdum about everything and having to deal with him and his attitude and now I'm happy, life is virtually stress free and I'm able to just breathe and be me. I miss Rob, I miss the whole being a mom thing at times but I am also happy that I'm just able to be. To be me. To be happy. I think about 2004 when S came back, how I thought I needed him back. Boy, was I wrong!! I think me and R woulda done just fine continuing on our own. I'd still be in Kansas. I wouldn't know Joe but hmm.. scratch all that.. I am happy everything happened when I think about the end result. God knew exactly what he was doing having us move here. Joe is every reason I'm happy these days. He's every reason I smile. God knew I needed Joe just as much as Joe needed me.
Over on Post Oak close to where we used to live these two kids broke in to some guy's place thinking the homeowner wasn't there, he heard a commotion and went to investigate and saw the boys. the homeowner then shot at them and hit one of them in the neck and he died. He was only 17 but still he shouldn't have been there.
I don't know much else papa. Guess I'll get on with my evening. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

November 4

Hi dad. Welp, we didn't get thru to her. She's gonna do it. Makes me sad. Makes me worry even more about her. I just don't understand why at 65 she wants to have 90% of her stomach cut out. I can't believe the dr would ok it, heck, even suggest it. It's just crazy. I told her that I support her, I do. I don't support her getting this surgery. I don't think she needs it. I don't know why the dr wouldn't try suggesting putting her on a strict so many calories a day diet, no sugars, no white flour, no starchy foods. Some type of exercise daily. I just think there are so many other options. I love momma so much. I just wish I could understand why she feels this is her only option. I told her I'm gonna be there when she has the surgery and I'm gonna try to stay a few days after. Guess it depends on the weather if I can go and how long. I wish she'd just wait until next spring. I don't understand why the rush. Makes me think its already been in the works or something and she just didn't wanna tell me. She's got appointments on the 27th to make sure she can have the surgery so now she's not going to be here for Thanksgiving which makes me really sad. She said she can still come the week before or after but it's not gonna be the same thing. I was so looking forward to taking the time off work to spend with her but now I can't, I'll just have my usual days off. Its been 3 yrs since I last had Thanksgiving with her. I gotta talk to Joe first and see what he thinks. 

The past few days at work have sucked massively. We've been so busy because of the 1st of the month. Luckily the ppl I work with are pretty good when we get in a pinch. We work together as a team but there's always a few things that don't go how I have them in my head, then I get irritated. But that's life I guess. This job is actually one I rather enjoy. Not near as much stress as Krystal. Slim to none most days, in fact. Today we started soups and salads. I don't think ima like them. They are so time consuming and I don't know how some ppl will react when we tell them it'll be 5 minutes for a sandwich cuz we have to cook the main ingredient to order. Then I think about Sundays, we're gonna get slaughtered with the soups n salads. A guy from corporate was there all day. Tried my best to keep our i's dotted and our t's crossed. Guess I did ok. 

Anyway, today just isn't a good day. I'm gonna find some dinner, pout and maybe take a nap before Joe gets home. I sure could use one of your hugs today. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

October 28

Hi papa..How's heaven today? Can't wait until it's my day to see that wonderful place and be with you again. I'm doing OK. I'm worried about mom though. Wish you were here so badly. My boss had weight loss surgery a month ago and I've been telling mom about it. She's seriously considering getting it done. She's going to the doctor Thursday to discuss it with him. Dad, I'm at a loss for words. I've been trying to get her to understand she doesn't need it done. She's beautiful the way she is. She's mom. She's Bev. She's wonderful just like she is. I worry about her doing it cuz of her age, cuz of her blood pressure problems and all that. I worry her doing it and being alone. I know auntie is right there but still. Her and I are about the same size and I would never fathom doing it. I don't think it's safe. She's already lost a lot of weight since we lost you. She's fine the way she is.  I worry about losing her and if that happens, I'll be lost. I know we will someday but hopefully not for years and years to come. She's always the one who's always there for me whenever I need someone to talk to, vent to, cry to, laugh with, she's my loudest cheerleader. She's my best friend and the only person besides Joe that I can talk to about anything and not be embarrassed. I think there's more to it then losing the weight. I think she's sad and still depressed about losing you and I think she's a little lonely. She keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to think about things but she's apparently slowed down enough to start thinking about things. I mean, if there were things she couldn't do... like walk up stairs, even just a few or get in and out of the bathtub cuz of her size, tie her shoes I might understand but she can do all those things. I know her knees are hurting her but I don't think it's so much cuz of her weight. I think it has to do with the falls she took at work and also her age. God made her fluffy and made me fluffy. We are who we are. I'd like to lose weight too but I know what I need to do and that's get off my lard butt and move it and stop eating so much dang sugar and watch my portions. I've done nothing about losing weight since we lost you. I've gained 23 lbs since me and Joe got together and he thinks I'm perfect the way I am. I beg to differ but if he's happy, heck, so am I. How I wish you were here to hug her, remind her how beautiful she is, how special and important she is to so many people and tell her she does not need to have this drastic, irreversible risky surgery. I'm trying daddy but she's not hearing me.
In other news of my world, work is going OK. Still waiting to get my bonus that we earned. Was supposed to be on our last check but it wasn't so hopefully this next one. Need to get Hoochee fixed and get my title and tag crap taken care of for my car. Also start thinking about getting Christmas presents and Joe's birthday is coming too. Gonna try to find him something special, working on it. It'll be tricky though cuz we do everything together so gotta get it somehow so he doesn't know about it. Haven't really talked to Robbie. I guess Shaun is going to try to get him to enroll in the community college and take some graphic arts classes. I don't think either one of them realize that you have to take core classes before you take the classes you're going to school for. Whatev. I'm not much a part of their world anymore, I'm on a need to know basis,  getting kinda used to it. I was looking at my ex mother in laws Facebook page the other day and she has this post on there about Shaun and it says something about he's living in Utah now and is happily married. I had to LOL cuz that's like saying he and I never were. We were at some point, not towards the end, but sometime in the 20 years we were. Or I was anyway. I don't think she ever really liked me but just between you, me and the hole in the wall.. I didn't ever really like her. She was always so judgmental. Always acted like Shaun did no wrong. I remember when she came in 2000 and I suspected Shaun was cheating on me she told me I should just accept it cuz I was doing nothing to hold on to him as far as like wearing makeup and trying to lose weight. I was who I was and I didn't wear makeup cuz he always accused me of cheating on him if I went out with makeup on. It's whatever. He is no longer my problem or even a thought to me. I'm elated in the position and place I am now. Joe is an absolute blessing and gift from God above and I thank him every single day for such a wonderful, caring man that I know without a doubt truly loves me. Guess I'll go. If there's a way you can, let mom know you are still here with us. Give her a hug, send her a sign. Daddy, she doesn't need that surgery, speak thru that doctor and tell her. I love you. I miss you every single day. (forehead kiss!!-- Huge Hug) Talk to you in a little bit.

October 14

Hi dad. How be you? I'm ok. I miss you. I was piddling around on the Internet and came across our old place. It's only 21K. Lol. I'm sure being a foreclosure they didn't fix the sewer problems. Its a nice thought to toy with the idea of getting it back but I also think that's a chapter of my life long gone and over with. It wouldn't be the same. Plus it's more room than Joe and I need. Being in the garage would be hard cuz that was where you hung out when you came. Seeing Rob's room empty would be impossible. Betcha he'd move back though. Dreams make the world go round, huh? 

Work is going ok. I'm so ready for Missy to come back. She's supposed to on Wednesday. We made bonus, did I tell you that? I ain't never made bonus before. Idk how much but still sweet I'm getting one. We need to get Hoochee spayed and I need to get my title n tags taken care of so probably use it for that. Hopefully. That's the plan anyway. Nothing else has been said about me moving up yet but if my competition is Chase and Josh, I'm in like Flynn. 

We got to see mom last week which was great of course. Time always goes by too fast though. Joe and I helped her by cleaning out her garage and Joe hung pictures all around and her clocks. She'll never be late cuz she's got lots of clocks. :) I'd like to get some more time off and go up and help her go thru those tubs. I'm sure we could have one heckuva garage sale or donate a lot to some good cause. Snick was so happy to see her. He knew right where we were when we were getting into her area. He perked up, was looking out the window, shaking his nub. Lol. He's not sure about her floor though. He'll get the hang of it, I think a good manicure may help too. I think he needed her as much as she needs him. I feel a little better knowing she's not alone. Alone sux sometimes. I'm worried about her knee though. I think it's the same one she hurt when she fell at work. Next time we go I wanna go during the day so we can go to the donut bank in Evansville. That place is neat and the donuts are so yummy. We went to Villas when we were there. I like that place. Deb made that yummy soup for us, for me. I love that stuff. Mom made that cinnamon chocolate cake. I wish I had brought more of it home with me. Only brought 4 pcs and I've devoured them so I'm all out until I see her again. I should probably get the recipe, huh? Mom is doing ok, she's sad and I think probably lonely too. She still misses you as do I. She keeps herself busy with church things or her quilting. Her and auntie galavant, I'm glad she's got her to be with. Her n auntie are real close and I suppose if I can't be there, she's the next best thing. The drive home was long. Seemed long. Joe kept dozing off so it was hard for me to stay awake but I did.  We got home about 430. 

Don't know much else daddy. Suppose I'll go. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

September 27

Hi daddy. It's been awhile since I've posted here. All is well. I am happy. When I started this blog it was a way for me to feel like I still had a connection to you, to help me keep my sanity, so we could still have our talks but this blog has helped me heal in a way. I also realize no matter how many times I post it's not going to bring you back. I still miss you every single day, I still miss our phone calls, our visits, your hugs, your advice, your silliness, your laughter, your orneriness, our heart to heart talks, just hanging out together. So many times I still just wanna pick up the phone and call you to tell you about this or that, tell you I miss you. I still have your number in my phone, can't get myself to delete it. It's been over three years now, I should be at a point where I'm ok with how things are but I'm not, probably won't ever be. Life is what it is, for the most part I've adjusted ok. Things have changed so much since you left. I've already told you most of these. Me n Shaun broke up again, for good, for the better. We lost our house. Mom has retired and moved and is enjoying being retired. My son moved almost 1000 miles away from me and I have no idea when I'll see him again. I found a guy that absolutely truly loves me and I'm absolutely crazy about him too. I've learned that time is like a band-aid that covers your wounds letting them heal at their own pace. You never get over it but thru it. Mitch Albom has a book called The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Saying there are 5 ppl who have the most impact or influence on your life. 5 people who are on your path that somehow mold or change your life. I think my 5 ppl are you, mom, Robbie, Joe, and idk my fifth. I'll have to think about that. Shaun was a big part of my life but I don't think he's my fifth. He's a chapter in my story but I think that's all. I wonder who you woulda said were your five. 

Mom went on her cruise this week. This has been the longest week ever not being able to talk to her. She's sent me a msg here and there telling me where she is but we didn't really get to talk. I guess this is what it's gonna be like when she comes home to you except there'll be no messages. I've missed her a lot this week. Can't wait to hear all about her adventure. We're taking Snick home to her in a couple weeks. Looking forward to seeing her, spending a little time together. Weather able she's gonna come the whole week of Thanksgiving. My boss is gonna let me be off almost the whole time she's here. Gonna have to work 9 straight to be able to do that but it'll be worth it. Her and I don't spend enough time together. 

I don't know a whole lot else. I miss you dad. I feel you walk with me at times and those are good days. We went to Harbor Freight tools the other day, remembered how you liked that place. Joe said he thinks it could become one of his favorite places. I think sometimes how you and Joe woulda got along famously. He is pretty amazing. :) Guess I'll go for now. I love you daddy (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. 

August 12

Hi daddy. How be you? I'm doing ok. Wish I could just call instead of this. But this is all I got besides memories. I don't know a whole lot. Life is good. I'm happy. I still find Joe absolutely amazing. Crazy how one person can make your upside down world all right side up again. He is a blessing and a joy. He keeps your daughter so happy and is taking excellent care of her. My birthday is Thursday. Idk what he has planned but I'm sure it'll be great. Think we'll go to Red Robin for lunch then ima make BBQ ribs n potato salad for my bday dinner. Joe might make my cake, might buy one. Be cheaper to maybe buy one. Idk. Rob is sending me something. A card or picture he drew.

 Mom is gonna get Snick back in October. I was really hoping it would work out with him with us. Having other animals to be around and us to give him attention. He's become so introverted since you left. He acts like he's been beat or idk, so sad all the time. I think losing you did more to his psyche then we can see. He pants a lot for like no reason. Is so stubborn about going out. Hides when there is the slightest amount of noise. He's just so odd. So different. It's sad cuz he used to be such a happy puppy with you. Joe tells him he's not a dog. He's not, we know, but he's not being the Snick you knew either. I think it might do both mom and him good to be back together. I'm sure it must be quiet being in her house all alone. Snick makes an excellent door bell. I'd feel better knowing she's got a little protection. He may think mom disappeared too. 

Work is going good. Joe's too. Life is just pretty alright right now. Today I was talking to my boss and she asked about how the store looked this morning and I told her. I didn't want to cuz it's becoming a broken record, Chase or Josh not doing something.. She said I consistently have good closes. That made me feel good. We talked about assistant manager and she said the position is mine.  I just need a little more time being shift manager then I'll get the books. Excited cuz it means salary and insurance! So, for once in my life, well, in a long time, I have a goal and ima reach it too! ;) 

I don't know much else. I miss you so much dad. How I wish you were still physically here but it's nice knowing you are always with me, watching over me. Guess I'll go for now. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

July 14

It's been about a month since I last posted here but ya know I'm always thinking of you. So, here's what's been going on. Nothing really, just life. At work, I got certified for shift manager. It wasn't that hard. A little nerve racking but that's cuz ppl from corporate were there and we were so incredibly busy cuz we were having a special on fish sandwiches. $1 a piece. It was only a two day special thankyajesus. There are a few things I still need to smooth out but overall it's ok. There's a lady that works there who's been there 11 years and she tries telling me what to do. Tries telling the other ppl what to do. I don't wanna be disrespectful to her cuz she's older then me and tell her to stfu but its grates my nerves when she does it. Have to figure out how to handle her. When I send my cook on break the window is full but then we get hit and I'm scrambling to cook up what we need. Little things but I'll figure them out. Still wanna be assistant manager someday so I just have to keep that goal in my head and not let stupid things and ppl bring me down. Had to take a food safety class and I got 2nd highest score in the class. :) Really icked me out though and when I go out to eat now I'm really paying attention to the servers and all that. 

I got to see mom and auntie on the 17th. It was what I thought it would be, just lunch and go back our separate ways. About an hour. It was good to see them but wish it could have been longer. I don't know when I'll get to see her again. That's always the toughest part. Having to say goodbye cuz I never know when I'll see her again. I get scared sometimes cuz I worry it'll be like it was with you. She's fine, we just talked, then I'll get that call that she's gone to be with you and I won't get to say goodbye. Just have to look at her lying there and wonder, now what? She'll wear purple and Woodrow will be there too. Gosh dad....this makes me miss her even more! She's going to Kansas this week to see Richard and them and idk what else. Just pray she's careful and safe. (Mom, I know you'll read this....I love you lady! Be careful!) 

Thought Rob was gonna come back but things calmed down and he's staying. About a week ago, Rob called me sobbing cuz Shaun was gonna kick him out cuz Rob refused to go to job corps so I got things arranged with mom and Aunt Norma to get him home. He refused to come, said dumdum calmed down and he was going to find a job. He still doesn't have one, and things are the way they were. I don't think Rob should have gone to Utah to begin with but he wouldn't stay cuz of Joe. If he'd just give Joe a chance he'd see what a great guy he is. But he won't so all I can do is be there to calm him down when Shaun explodes again, which we all know will happen again. 

Joe and I are good. Been together 11 months tomorrow. Things are so different then they were 11 months ago and for that I'm thankful. Joe has brought so much happy to my life. Showed me being happy and doing for myself is ok and what I'm supposed to do. He'll clean up the apartment then I'll get home from work and not have anything to do. It's definitely different and way kewl. 

The other night I was drifting off to sleep and was between dream land and awake and started to see you and grandma and the other ppl in our family who've passed away and y'all were saying come on, it's time. Tell him goodbye. My eyes were filling with tears in my dream and for real and I kept saying, no I'm not ready to say goodbye. I don't wanna come yet. I can't say goodbye yet. Y'all kept urging me to come and I kept saying no. I woke up bawling and saying no, not yet I can't tell him goodbye. Joe thought I had done lost my mind but holy moly dad..it was so real. I can't wait to see you again, when that day comes I will embrace it. For now, I think I'm just gonna embrace having such a good man to love and that loves me back. Guess I'll go for now. Love you daddy! (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit.  

                         

June 15

Hey papa. Not much to say today.. That 3 year mark is approaching. There are days I still try and figure out why you had to go. Guess God musta had a reason. I love you daddy. Miss you more then you know. You were the best dad EVER!! I remember your beautiful blue eyes, your large, rough hands from all the hard work you did, how funny you were, how much fun we'd have together, our breakfast dates -- some of my favorite times with you were these cuz it was usually just you and me. They say that a girls first love is her father and you certainly were mine. You took such good care of us and even though you were gone a lot for work, we still knew who you were, how you were. You were such a big, grumpy grizzly bear growing up but you had a soft side. When Rob came along you became a whole different guy. I loved watching you two together. I know you always thought I wasn't stern enough with him but we all raise our children differently. Rob has stayed that sweet kid you knew when you left. I'm so thankful that you got to be here for his 16th birthday and that Christmas, who knew it would be the last one we'd share. I guess God did. There's been more birthdays and holidays since you left and none have been the same. Father's day is probably my least favorite because, well, you're not here. No more Minmarks I get to make for you. No more sappy cards that make you tear up. No more searching for that perfect gift just to make you smile. Tomorrow is Father's day and I hope being up there with our Heavenly Father it's a wonderful day. Take some time and go fishing and enjoy it.  I love you papa... so much. (FOREHEAD KISS) Talk to you in a little bit.





We miss you so much dad. Wish you were here.

June 10

Hey papa. It's been 1090 days since you left us. Every day of those 2 years, 11 months and 25 days hasn't been the same with you gone. Good thing I'm not counting.  I wish you could be here. I wish you could call us from Heaven. I wish that I could see you if even for just one more time because I'd never let go when I hugged you. It would take a host of angels to get me to let go. I know that the past can't be changed and all we have is now so I guess I'll let you know what's going on now. We have this older guy that comes in and gets a senior drink, they are free. He is a nice old guy. He reminds me of you. He always tells me thank you for being so nice to me. I always tell him, its no problem at all being nice to you. Makes me think of you and smile.
Work is going ok. I'm going to get certified soon for shift manager. I'm excited, a little nervous, but I got this pop! It was going to be Wednesday but I think it's gonna get pushed back another week. I'd rather be ready ready then just hoping I'm ready. I really like my boss. She is super nice. I like the ppl I work with too. Most of them.
Me and Joe are doing great. I got so lucky this time dad. Joe is absolutely a total and complete blessing to me. He loves me so much. Loves me like you loved mom. I think the world of him too. It's been almost 10 months we've been together. He and I are closer then Shaun and I ever were. I feel loved and know I'm loved and feel like I belong here. Like he wants me around. You know with Shaun I didn't feel like that. Truly believe God gave me Joe. He truly is my best friend.
I haven't talked to Rob lately so not sure what's up with him. Last I did talk to him, he had informed me he walked in the Gay Pride parade supporting Rafe who was walking to support the Atheists. Oy vey daddy. I just want my son home. Want him back here with me. I know he'd never come back though unless Shaun made him because he has his LARP bs and no one to really listen to. Shaun barks orders at him but how much of it Rob obeys who knows. I tell him that we could get him enrolled in a few classes, maybe find a part time job and he could just get his feet wet in the real world. But he wants to be in Utah. I miss him so much dad.
I was thinking when they left town what if something happened to Joe, I'd be all alone. I think I'd probably move up to Illinois. Even though I don't wanna live where they have winter for real and all that but I'd be closer to family, closer to mom, closer to somebody who loves me or at least tolerates me. Probably would live near mom, maybe Terre Haute. But me and Joe are going strong and unless the good Lord takes him away from me ima bloom where I'm planted at the moment. I like it here for the most part. Financially I'm doing better than when me and Shaun were together. Joe lets me take care of the bills but he's interested and involved when I pay them. Shaun never was, he didn't wanna know, just wanted to know if he had money for cigarettes and coffee. There always seems to be money left after bills are paid and that is a wonderful feeling. It's not a lot but enough to get us thru until the next check. We're living paycheck to paycheck but have what we need. We're gonna start rebuilding the savings account soon as we can. The wedding depleted it but it was definitely worth it. I used what you gave me for things I needed. Things I had been wanting, paid some bills off. I used it wisely daddy. It was more than I ever expected but it helped me so much. I woulda much rather had you back but I was told that wasn't an option. Dog-gone-it.
Gonna go see mom next Monday. I'm so excited. I'm glad she's living closer, wish she lived here in Georgia, here in my neighborhood. But she's only 6 hrs away. Hopefully I can sometime get a couple days off in a row and have the money and go see her. Surprise her. We're going to meet in Fort Campbell and have lunch. It's never enough time together. Auntie is going to come with her. That makes me happy too. Auntie has always been like a 2nd mom to me. She's def my favorite aunt. Always has been. I really liked Great Aunt Bess too but didn't know her as well. Snick is doing ok too. He's odd though, never realized how odd he is when he was with y'all. He doesn't like walking on the linoleum or the hard wood floors and idk why. He's very selective as to when he'll go outside. He usually always goes for Joe but like 3 out of 5 times goes for me. He snorts like a pig sometimes and he's constantly licking his paws. I think it's a nerve thing, idk. We have a white water dish and bowl for him to eat out of. If there is the slightest amount of noise he'll go find a hiding spot. Just an odd duck but I love him.
I don't know much else. I don't have a day off until Friday. UGH! I hate when I work like 7-9 days before I get a day off. Makes for such a long week. Thankful I have a job but I'm tired! Guess I'll go for now. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

May 21

Hey papa. It's been about a month since I last talked to ya here. Joe and I got married on the 25th. Mom was able to be here. The wedding was nice. Wish you coulda made it in person but I know you were still there. We went to Tunica, Mississippi for our honeymoon. It was fun. We lost at the casinos but that's kinda a given, huh? The hotel was sucky. There was like nothing in the room but a bed, a bathroom and TV. You had to pay for cable and internet. There was like no place to eat so we had to go out and find a place. We ate at the yucky waffle house. You know I hate that place but it's all they had. You'd think as much money as those casinos make they'd have more amenities but nay nay. We got back on Sunday afternoon. Spent Sunday and Monday with mom. It was nice to have her here. She babysat the fur babies, Snickee and Jake.  Joe n I have been married almost a month. He is the absolute greatest thing that's ever happened to me besides becoming a mom and being y'alls daughter. He makes me smile every day and tells me every day I'm beautiful. :)
I don't know a whole lot. I'm working towards shift leader at work. Have a thick workbook to get thru. I'm supposed to certify on June 11 or 12. I know I can lead a shift, just not sure I know all what I need to of the LJS ways. Hopefully by then I will. I'm on book 6 of 10. After I make shift leader I think I wanna keep going and work towards assistant manager. That is a maybe right now but I think I could do it. Possibly. The confidence seeps from my pores, huh? LOL.
Shaun got remarried to his first wife this last week. Can't believe it though cuz they've only been back together about a month. He last saw her 6 years ago and they got back together online in late February, sometime in March. Then back together April 3. LOL! The first time they were married it lasted less than a year so we'll see how they do this time. I don't think it'll last but I wish him the best. Shaun ain't been nothing but mean and ugly to me so he could disappear and I wouldn't care. All I know is that I'm crazy happy with Joe and that's all I do care about.
Rob is still adjusting to life in Utah. Honestly can't believe he's still there. I thought for sure he'd make it like a week or two and then call me begging me to figure out how to get him back here. There's nothing for him here, nothing for him there. I just hope he finds his way. He dropped a massive heavy load on me the other night. Told me he was "on the fence" and since all the girls he's known have broken his heart that it wouldn't matter if he was with a guy cuz he wouldn't think about it. DAD!! OMG!! Talked to mom about it and we think that he doesn't really understand the complexity of what he's talking about or the repercussions of it. He could get seriously hurt or even killed. I don't think he realizes that. I think that he's found ppl that will accept him so he's willing to go along with whatever is proposed to fit in. Hopefully though he will really, really think about things before things get that far. I told him about how it's wrong in the eyes of God and the dangers of it. Holy moly dad! I wish you were here to thump some sense into your #1 grandson.
Mom is traveling with Auntie this week. They went to Carthage to see Diane and help her cuz she had to have her gallbladder out and then they are going to Richard's then back home. Just hope she's careful. I'm glad she's able to travel but I worry so much about her when she does. There have been tornadoes going thru Oklahoma and the Midwest. I worry about them out there. Oklahoma got hit twice this week. Sunday and yesterday. Moore got like obliterated. So much damage. So sad daddy and scary.
Okey dokey pokey. I guess I'll go. I don't know much else. It's been almost 3 years dad and I still miss you everyday. I miss talking to you, your bear hugs, your laugh, your orneriness, YOU! I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

April 18

Hey Papa Bear.... what's up. Not a whole lot in my world. Since my last post, Joe's now divorced and we have our wedding planned out. He told me to start planning it and I was like, uh huh, right.. then on the 9th I started some planning and thinking about when I wanted to marry him and sooner seemed so much better than later. He said he'd be happy going to the judge right after his divorce papers were signed and getting married but I wanted something more special than that. So, something more we shall have. We went looking for dresses and I was just going to get a pretty dress, something I could wear again if we ever went some place nice. We went to this shop that one of the tenants works at and it's a dress shop. They sell prom dresses, wedding dresses, rent tuxes. I thought when I went in Josh would show me pretty dresses. He showed me some and also wedding dresses. I never thought I was the wedding dress type but he had me try on this dress and yeah, it happened. I fell in love with it. It's so pretty. Joe loved it too so with some finagling and his discount I got a really good deal on it and so now have a wedding dress. Joe rented a tux, he's going to look amazing. We are gonna get married at the wedding chapel in Ringgold and we're gonna do the sand ceremony. I'm excited about that. The newer version of the unity candle. I think the sand is gonna be blue and pink. Of course pink. Tried to get Joe to get a pink tie or a pink vest and he wouldn't. He says real men don't wear pink. OK, maybe not but he'd still look amazing. Put that boy in a gunny sack and he'd look amazing. LOL! Yes daddy, 8 months in and I'm still head over heels for him. How I wish you could be here for the wedding. We'd walk high and proud down the aisle for sure! Not even thinking about ducking out any back door this time. If I coulda seen the future I'd sure taken you up on that offer 20 years ago. I did get a pretty good kid outta the deal but that's about it. Mom is gonna come down and be here for it and then stay and hang out with Snick while Joe and I go on our honeymoon. We're gonna go to Tunica. It's gonna be so much fun. Then when we get back, mom is gonna stay another day, hopefully 2 so we can spend some time together. Next week, I work Monday and Tuesday then I'm off the rest of the week. Gonna hurt the paycheck but so worth it. I still believe God sent him to be in my path when he did for a reason and if it was to become a happy person, THANK YOU JESUS!! I've been nothing but happy for 8 months. Even on my not so great days, I see Joe and it makes all those yucky feelings go away. So, anyway.. I have my dress, Joe has a tux, we have our rings, our marriage license,  a place to get married, a cake, some guests, a honeymoon destination, and each other so I think we're good to go. One more week of being Ms. Evans and then happily will be Mrs. Burris until it's time to come up there and hug that neck of yours! So, sit tight.. I'm enjoying myself being all happy and in love with Joe right now.. gimme about, hmm.. 30, 40 more years and I'll be right there. Wish so hard things could be different and you could be here.
Have talked to Rob a few times since they left. He doesn't really talk to me which hurts my feelings, but I guess I have to live with it. He lost his iPod. Has no idea where he left it. Thought he lost it in his room, he didn't. We thought maybe it was packed in with the stuff in the car, it wasn't. So, I guess the other day Shaun's ex took them both to T-Mobile and bought them new phones. Rob got an iPhone 4s and idk/c what Shaun got. He said she got it for him to replace his iPod. Gee, how nice. Idk dad. Glad Rob is getting out there and is starting to do more than hide in his room all the time but when I text, he doesn't text back, when I call, he doesn't wanna talk. I feel almost like Shaun has poisoned Rob against me. Sent him a box of his crap and barely got a thank you outta him for it. Really hurts but I guess that's what happens when your kids grow up. I've decided I'm going to just let Rob contact me even though I wanna call him, text him, check on him every day. Rob will always be my son and I'll always be here for him if he needs me. Guess that's what parents do. Mom mentioned when we talked a couple times back that I don't call her as much as I used to. She said she can tell I'm happy now cuz I used to call her like every week, sometimes more than once when Shaun and I were together. I wasn't happy and I didn't have anyone to talk to before. I didn't have a friend when he and I were together but now I have all that and more with Joe.  I still need her, still wanna talk to her but whenever I call I feel like I'm bothering her almost with all the fun she's been having with auntie. Mom is going on a cruise in September with Aunt Norma. Yes, my mom! I'm happy for her but surprised the heck outta me when she told me. We know you wouldn't have liked it, I'm right there with ya dad. Went on a day cruise one time with Judy to the Bahamas and I was sick the whole day. I'll keep my land loving legs on dry land thank you. I hope she has an absolute ball though and takes lots of pictures. Makes some memories.  I don't know much else. I guess I'll go. I love you papa. Probably the next time I stop by I'll be Mrs. Burris. :) I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

April 3

Hey papa. How ya be? I'm alright. Today woulda been mine and Shaun's 20th had we stayed together. Glad God had other plans for me. That sounds mean but don't mean it to be. The guys left Monday morning at about 6. We got up about 430 to get over there and say goodbye. It was hard to let Rob go but I did. I cried like a baby of course. I was hugging him and he said, Mom, stop you're breaking my spine. Shaun hugged me before he left and told Joe to take good care of me. Joe told him, I already am. Joe and I stuck around after they left and cleaned up a little until we both were too tired to think straight. Didn't get to go back to bed cuz the landlord came and we had things to take care of. So Monday made for a very long day for both of us. Talked to Rob a little Monday and yesterday. He was very tired of being in the car. Said the trip was turning out being bad for him cuz he kept getting hurt on the way. The car was so packed, there was like no room at all in the car. Rob had to leave quite a bit behind and wants it shipped to him. I'm trying to figure out what he needs right away and what can wait. It's gonna take weeks to get it all boxed and shipped. Ima miss Rob so much but I'm hoping this move to Utah is somehow a good thing for him and he can find something he enjoys doing and will get a job and all that. I worry he's gonna get pushed to the side but pray Shaun isn't that self absorbed and does that to him.
Joe's divorce is next Wednesday. I am so excited, so is he! We have been waiting for it very impatiently and for a while.  After that then we can get married and that's the very, very exciting part. Still don't have anything planned but hoping to get it figured out quick and then let ppl we want there know the details. Sure wish you could be here in person but I know that you still will be in spirit. Will be very small but hopefully still nice. Joe is so the right thing for me. So the right one. He is so good to me dad. So good for me, with me. He is my absolute everything. I don't think I could get any luckier if I tried. I don't know much else.  Just wanted to say hello and I'm always thinking about you. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

March 20

Hey papa.. Sunday was Bristol and OMG daddy.. it was a Blast!!! If you coulda been here I so woulda taken you with us. The seats were uncomfortable but it was still so fun! I haven't watched racing since Dale died but I had so much fun. It was so loud and so fast. Not as many accidents as we thought would happen but enough. Joe roots for Jimmie Johnson and he was doing good. Started in like 9th and worked his way up to 2nd. Then he hit the wall at almost the end of the race and got knocked out of the running. Kasey Kahne ended up winning. His first Bristol win. He's a new guy, you might know him. I think Joe said he came on the scene in like 97. Not sure. But my first Nascar race and it was awesome. : )  Traffic was a nightmare but overall it was a great day! So wish you coulda been there in person, cuz I know by golly you were there in spirit!
 Shaun and Rob are leaving on April 1st now instead of the 5th. It's gonna hurt so bad when Rob leaves. Shaun has been nice to me this week. He boxed up a bunch of stuff I had wanted before and he wouldn't let me have. Now that I have it I have no idea where I'm gonna put it. I'm gonna go thru things and probably get rid of a lot of it. Just knowing I'm not gonna be able to see Rob is what hurts the most. I see him about once maybe twice a week but still I get to see him. Not knowing when I'll see him again about kills me. I asked for the 5th off so I could see them off and then he springs this on me today. I don't know if I'll be able to get the 1st off now. I was bummed the whole rest of the day. Crying, upset, Joe just hugged me and let me cry. He is a complete blessing to me.
I thank God every single day for him. I wanna believe that you had a hand in it too. That you and God sent him to me. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I wish I had met him 20 years ago but I know that I was meant to meet him when I did. It was part of His plan. His divorce should be final in the next few weeks, then we'll be able to get married. I can't wait. We're 7 months in and I still am crazy over the moon for him. Still find him absolutely amazing. I wish you coulda met him. Time for me to go get him from work. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

March 3

Hey papa. Happy shoulda been anniversary! 46 years. An amazing feat, especially this day and age. The good Lord only saw fit to give y'all 43 years but that's still a mighty long time. I was always so proud of you two for sticking it out. I was like one of the only kids in my class who still had their parents married to each other. One of the only kids to be able to say this is my mom and dad, not mom and stepdad or vise versa. You n mom was the shit! Lol. Growing up I was always your little girl and me n mom were close too. It was nice growing up, looking back now, to know I always had both of you on my side. Even when I was wrong, which I know wasn't often but...lol... I think if you were here you n mom woulda gone to eat, maybe the movies, then just relaxed the rest of the evening. Just spending time together. I miss you papa. Wish you were here so I could hug your neck.
Don't know much. My new job is ok. Only thing that sucks about it is I'm not getting as many hours as I'd like. Going to talk to her about it this week. I quit Krystal thinking I was going to be getting 40 hours or at least close to it and I'm not. This last week I was "training" and she said once I was trained I'd get more hours. Let's hope I can at least get 30 hrs. I'm happy to have found a job so I could get out of Krystal but not worth it with so few hours.
Me and Joe are doing great. Wish I had met him years ago. Still find him absolutely amazing. He has a beautiful, shining aura. He makes me so incredibly happy. Thinking back I might have found Shaun amazing when I first met him but that feeling didn't last long. Think the only reason I stuck around was for the financial "security", not that he worked but the money he did get helped and I never thought I could make it on my own. I know now I could. Ok, we'll maybe not now now with the job I have but if I coulda kept my temper and put up with the BS, I'd be doing just fine if I was alone. But....so very thankful I have my Joe. Together he n I are wonderful. That feeling knowing that I'm always gonna have someone who loves and fully accepts me for me. I feel loved, know I'm loved with Joe. With S I wondered, questioned, doubted it but with Joe, I know. Guess I'll go for now. Gonna change the wax in my warmers. I love you papa. I miss you so much. (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit.

February 27

Hey Papa.. Not sure what to think dad. Shaun is telling me that he and Rob are planning on moving to Utah. Nothing is definite yet but looks like it's going to happen. Shaun is getting back together with his first wife and thinks they have a future together. I don't but maybe she's into lazy and crazy. Shaun has all the grandiose ideas of how things are gonna be in Utah and who knows, maybe things will be OK and he and Judy will work out but I don't think she knows what Shaun is really like. I mean the lazy, sleep all the time, I'll do what I want and overdo what I have no idea or business doing. Whatever. It is what it is. I just worry for Robbie. He's 19 going on 12. He has no want to do anything. Just stays in his dungeon all the time playing video games and drawing furries. Yep, he's still into that crap. Shaun has found a Larp group for him to join and some Furry group out in Utah. Rob is of course excited about that but seriously... its ridiculous lame crap. Larp is Live action role play.. like dungeons and dragons for grown ups. Shaun is still holding out that Rob is gonna get on social security. I think its a shame that Shaun has Rob believing that's all there is for him. The possibility of getting money for nothing really. Thinking that's how life is or supposed to be. Rob can work, he is able to do anything really.  He just has no desire at all to get a job, even try. Shaun is totally running with the he has Asperger's thing and OK, yes, he has Asperger's.. doesn't mean the government should pay for Rob to sit on his butt cuz of it. Makes me sad, makes me feel like I somehow let him down, didn't do something right but I know dad, I did the best I could with what I had. I was a damn good mom to him. A stellar mom compared to Shaun's parenting. He lived the first 18 years of his life giving a shit little about what Rob needed, wanted, was all about. Then when I leave, then he's interested. I gave that kid whatever he wanted for the most part and tried to instill in him what life and the real world are really like. He was all gung ho and ready to go for it and then boom, he has no want to do nothing. He says it's because of me leaving and getting with Joe. OK, fine.. if there needs to be someone to blame, let it be me but OK, blame laid.. let's move on. Get on with life in the real world. When he was growing up I didn't want him to turn out like Shaun and he has completely become his dad.
Moving on, that subject annoys the crap outta me!! I quit Krystal, finally, for good! I'm working now at Long John Silver's. Getting minimum but that's OK. I'm still working and I am happy. I really like it so far. I was thinking today how mom was so involved in the church then all that happened and y'all moved out to River of Life and she decided she was gonna be a pew sitter.. so, I think I just wanna be a pew sitter for a little while. It's awesome to go to work, do your job and leave when you are supposed to. Just later, see ya. I know it's not always gonna be fun or a great time but right now, it is. I don't know much else. I had more to tell ya but I got sidetracked and I gotta go get Joe from work so I will talk to ya after a bit. I love you papa. Miss you more than you could ever know.. well, I bet you know.. cuz I'm sure there are days you are up in Heaven wishing how much you could be here with us but I also bet that Heaven is an amazing place and anyone would be crazy to wanna leave. Just save me a place, K?! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

February 12

Hey papa. Here's what's been happening. Let's see.. made it to Illinois to see mom. We started the day with a stop in Murfreesboro for a Scentsy thing. It was kinda neat but way boring. I got some kewl stuff though. We left the thing early cuz I wanted to get to mom's before dark, by dark and holy hanna.. we got lost and a 4 hr trip took us almost 8. I was sooooooo mad! Our directions said to merge toward 65 and we missed the next step saying get back on 24. So we took 65 all the way up and had to boogie back to 64 and then we finally were back on track. It was quite irritating. There was road construction in Nashville and we got locked into this one lane for 65 but thought we were going right so didn't think anymore about it until I passed exit 81 on 65 and it wasn't the exit I wanted. We rented a truck to go get the bed. It was costly but the truck was nice. It was a 2013 F 150 with ALL the bells and whistles. It was NICE. Pirelli tires, back up camera, Sirius radio, power seats. Woo.. Joe was in love. Got to mom's about 930. Felt so bad we were late cuz she had cooked us a yummy dinner. That roast with the mushroom gravy and corn casserole and cinnamon chocolate sheet cake. Her blood pressure is up and I'm worried about her. Especially now since she's all by herself. I mean, she has Auntie just a couple blocks away but she's just there in this little house, alone. I worry about her so much that she might have a stroke or fall and no one would know or I don't know, something. I worry she's not going to enjoy being retired, that she'll get bored and depressed cuz she's not working. Hopefully after she gets her house together she'll find something to spend her time on. It was good to see her even though it was a very short, too short of a trip. I wanna get some time to go up there and just be with her. Hang out with her like I used to but don't know when that will happen. Since Joe can't drive it'll be kinda hard to leave town cuz we both won't always be able to be off the same time. Still trying to get my night schedule back. Funny cuz when I worked at East Ridge I did nothing but days and wouldn't do nights but when I got to Lee Highway I got put on nights and like it. She keeps giving me excuses as to why I can't be on nights and it's all bunk. She is just mad at Matt and doesn't wanna work with him. He needs days, I need nights so I don't see why she won't. She tells me I can't work with Joe but then scheduled me to work with him tomorrow night. Makes no sense to me.
She asked me if I was interested in moving up to assistant manager. Told her I had to think about it. Yes, it's more money but I'm one of those stupid ppl who'd rather be happy then rich. I like the position I'm in at the moment. Think I'll just stay where I'm at for now. Probably a mistake but it's my mistake. Comes with just a little more responsibility but its practically stuff I'm already doing. We had a manager meeting the other day and she tried to feed us this BS of we have to be on call 24/7 and sleep with our phones. Hmm, my thoughts on that are.. I'm not an EMT, fireman, policeman, nurse or doctor and I do have a life and other responsibilities outside of Krystal. She also tried to tell us that we couldn't have a 2nd job. Being apartment mgrs. we get $200 off our rent off the top and when I'm off we have apartments to clean, show, rent to collect, etc and I can't not do that stuff if I want that 200 off. Mom says I need to decide what I want. Think I have. I've seen Robin's true colors and they are ugly. I'll just stay where I'm at and do what I'm doing. Also think I'll start looking and applying for other jobs. There has to be something out there, some place.
We got tickets to go to Bristol in March. I am so excited. My first NASCAR race. Our seats are on the back straightaway on the pit side, 2 rows back.. sweet seats papa!! Wish you were here, we'd take you with us! Wouldn't it be a hoot!! I plan on doing a lot of things I always wanted to with Shaun but he never wanted to. Joe is willing to do anything I wanna do. Years ago when we I first met Shaun's sister Karen she worked for some radio station and got us in to see them practicing for time trials in Daytona. It was hella kewl and so loud. Haven't watched racing since we lost Dale Earnhardt so I guess it's time. Gonna be a blast!
I talked to Shaun the other day like a civil adult. Youda been proud.. lol. He told me that he's considering moving to Utah with Robbie because there are more opportunities there for them and his ex wife and him are talking about getting back together, yeah, like that'll work. BAHAHAHA! Whatever, if it makes him happy, whatever right?! I asked Rob if that's what he wants and he said not really but being with dad is better than being with me and Joe. Well, alrighty then. Good luck to the both of them. I'll miss Rob but I don't get to see him much now. I called the other day and asked if he wanted to hang out and he said, what for, there's nothing to do over here anyway. Hmm.. well ok.. yep, kinda hurt but he's an adult now so I can't make him do anything.  Ya know dad I was with Shaun for almost 20 years and never felt as loved as I do with Joe. Every single day he tells me how much he loves me, shows me, and every day tells me I'm beautiful. Every day. Even on the days I don't feel pretty at all. He is absolutely amazing dad. I thank God and you every day for sending him to me. Last night we were going to sleep and he hugged me and told me that I was a helluva woman and he's never been happier in his whole life. Shaun never said things like that. It's not just that stuff that makes me love him.. but he helps keep the apartment clean, he's a neat freak.. freakier than me! And he's always tinkering with things. I just love him to pieces daddy. I could go on and on about him. You woulda liked him a lot.  Don't know what else I know right now. About time for me to go get my Joey. I love you dad. (forehead kiss!) Talk to you in a little bit.

January 24

Hey papa. This is mom's last week in El Dorado. Mom is getting ready to retire and move this week. Auntie Norma and Patty are there to help her get the last of her stuff she's taking in the car and Auntie's van. Hard to believe she's really leaving El Dorado. I mean who thought she would, ever. I hope you two had a nice talk when she came to the apartment the other day. That's gotta be chilling to know that that was the last time she'd see that side of it until she's laying next to you. I mean, not in a morbid way.. but to just know you're not planning on going back until it's time to rest. Joe says that it's not really you laying there anyway. That your body is just the shell of who you are. Once you're gone, you're gone. Your shell remains. Makes it sound like you're a turtle or something but I kinda get what he's saying but still. Just sounds kinda cold and impersonal. It's you. But I also know dad that you aren't there. You are with Jesus. And I know that you are with all of us, in our hearts, walking with us in spirit. I still feel you, still see you. I know you are watching us and I know that you are with us. The other day we were some place and this older black gentleman came in and was wearing big smith overalls, a plaid shirt, a ball cap and those slip on shoes like you used to wear. Made me smile, and a little sad. Sometimes it makes me feel like it's you, in another person letting my heart catch a glimpse of you one more time.  Today me and Joe went to eat and this old couple walked in and the guy was wearing a cowboy hat like you had. The brown leather one. Just like it too daddy. It stopped me cold. I just stared at him, at that hat for the longest time. Joe asked me why I was staring at him. I told him. I don't think he quite gets the magnitude of what losing you meant to me. How it still affects me even though we're going on year 3. I don't think the pain of you being gone is ever gonna leave me, the ache of not being able to call you when I want to or need to.  Our weekly phone calls. To not be able to plan and be excited that you and mom are coming to see me. But time has at least covered the wound of losing you. As I'm sure as more time goes by it will be easier but not there yet. You'd have been proud of me, last night I went to get Rob to have dinner and next to a trash bin was an old ladder. Scooped that up for shizzle papa!! Rob said, that's like grandpa used to do mom. Yes son, it is. But I know you woulda gone through the trash can too. There was a decent chair there but didn't grab it, I shoulda though. In a couple of weeks I'm going to go to Illinois to see mom and get my old bed back. I'm excited for both of those even though it will be a very short trip. Also elated that I get to bring Snickee back with me. Oh daddy... He is THE best dog (furry little boy) EVER!!! I live right down the street from the park and I'm gonna be taking him and me for walks. Last time I saw him he had put on some pounds, as have I. I am so very, very excited to see him, get him, have him around for ever how long mom needs me to have him. I've always loved Snickee. I guess he is with Jennifer the rest of the week so mom can get stuff loaded and he doesn't freak too much and possibly run off. She said she'd get him Saturday before she leaves town but I hope she gets him Friday night instead. Give him one more night in his house. One last night, although he won't realize at first it's his last night there.
Don't know much else. We got our next month's rent down to 185, way kewl, huh?? Joe figures next month with the work he has to do March will be free. That'd be sweet!!! Guess I'll go. I love you dad! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

January 9, II

This song makes me cry but Dad, I know I'll see you again.. and I can't wait for that day!!! xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo

January 9

Hey Papa..

  Happy Heavenly Birthday Dad!!!! :) Wish you were here!

Today you woulda been 69. Shoulda been 69, but God was ready for you to come home at 66. Doesn't seem fair and I know it wasn't nearly long enough. I don't know much. Just wanted to tell you Happy Birthday!! Oh, I guess I do have something to tell ya. Me and Joe are the new apartment managers here where we live. The other ppl, well, the guy who was doing maintenance sold a truck that was in the back parking lot that wasn't his and went to jail for a little while and his wife/girlfriend who was the manager was told by the landlord to not let him back on the property and she brought him back so they are getting evicted and we are taking over. The landlord gave us this list of stuff we're responsible for each month and we get $200 knocked off our rent for it plus Joe will earn money for doing the maintenance stuff and that will come off our rent too. So, heck we could  be living here rent free if we work hard enough. Lol.. OK, would take a lot of work to get us there but next month's rent is already knocked down to $310 so whoop whoop!! Guess I'll go. I love you dad!!! Happy Birthday!! (BIG FOREHEAD KISS) Talk to you in a little bit.

January 3

Hi papa.. it's 2013. Seems really weird to say that. Let's see, I had things to tell you. Went over on Monday early to surprise Rob with his birthday cake and some candy I made for him. I gave him $20 bux too. He seemed surprised and happy to see me. He gave me a huge hug. His room was a disaster though. I was quite disappointed he let it get like that. The whole house reeks of cigarettes. Smells dirty. The upstairs is cluttered and ya know how much I love clutter.... NOT!!! Def can tell someone who gives a crap no longer lives there. Sad really cuz it's such a nice house.
I talked to Rob last night and asked how his birthday was and he told me he understood why I hated my birthday so much because it ended up being just another day and Shaun didn't put much effort into it to make it a good day for him. Welcome to the real world my child.
Shaun is still being an ass. Incredibly immature. I told him he needed to find a new rep payee and get his money moved so I can close the bank accounts associated with him and me. I don't want to have any ties with him anymore. He told me I couldn't stop being his rep.. uh, like hell I can't. I called social security today and told them. I have to pay his January bills but after that I'm done. Which will be easy cuz almost all of it goes to his mother for the house payment and the rest will go to his car payment. There, problem solved. 
I'm gonna get rid of Spencer. Something is wrong with him. He's had diarrhea for like ever and no matter what I do it won't stop. I can't afford the tests and treatment for it so I don't know what I'm gonna do but he has to go. I'm cleaning up daily messes and had it up to here with that.
Mom made her next to last trip to Illinois this weekend. Can't believe in 3 weeks she'll be leaving Kansas forever. Until it's time for her to meet you at the apartment. I don't know dad. I don't think she'd be leaving if you were still here. I don't think she'd quit working totally if you were still here. I think she'd still do books or something. Y'all have been in Kansas forever. 35 years. Wow. You raised your children there, made your careers there, your home, your friends and sadly it's where you left us. I hate to say die cuz that sounds so permanent even though that is what happened. You never got a chance to "get out" as you used to say. I know you wanted to leave Kansas or at least El Dorado for a long time but mom was happy there so you stayed. Now, I guess, in a way you finally get to leave, in spirit. In her memories, her heart. She said she's gonna have a place on her wall with stuff of yours on it. Pictures and stuff. I hope she really does do that. It's sad she's leaving the house but I guess I could understand in a way her need or want to. It's gotta still be hard to go home and you not be there. To not have you there in your chair or something to be cooking in the kitchen and her warm bubble bath not drawn. I think when she comes in and Snick hears the door he still hopes you'll walk in too. That's gotta be confusing for him. You dropped him off, told him you'd be right back and haven't made it home yet. My heart still breaks for that wonderful little puppy, er.. furry little boy. He is such a wonderful dog. So faithful, so sweet and lovable and just the best snuggler. I worry about him. He's the last link mom has to you but I don't know if she sees it that way. I've always thought the world of Snickee.
Work is going good. I get to work with Joe about every shift which is great. He and I do about everything together. We have one or sometimes 2 nights a week we don't work together but we text each other most of the time we're away from each other. I like working at Lee Hwy. No drama, or none that includes us shall I say. The other day the boss had a blowout with one of the cashiers that resulted in the cops being called.
I don't know much else. I do but don't have time to keep typing. I have to go get Joe in a little bit. I love every minute with him and hate every minute apart from him. He's one of the very few ppl that I love being with all of the time. :) I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.