December 31

Hey Papa. Happy New Year. Yeah. Woo Hoo. Today is Boo's 17th birthday. Can you believe it papa? Where did all the time go? Just a year ago you were here. I'm so thankful that you and mama came for Christmas and his birthday last year. Who knew, huh? Yeah, we've had this discussion already. OK. Today was OK I guess. We went and got a few things from Wal-Mart this am and then came home and he had his birthday breakfast. Donut holes and chocolate milk. We've been doing that for years. It's kinda our thing. One of the little things that make him smile. That's what his day is about. Making him smile.

We got these amazing back massager things today that are go in our chairs and wow dad.. you would like this!! They are like those chairs that cost so much but these are like mats that go in your chair. They were on clearance at Wally world. 12 bux! Also got me a foot massager thing. I've been having trouble with my right foot. It hurts so bad. I'm not sure what I did to it. I feel like an 80 year old lady when I get up from being in bed or sitting awhile. I wanna go to the doctor but can't afford it. We'll see what happens. 

We got Rob a few things he was wanting. He actually seemed appreciative. I was happy. He likes doing the family birthday thing I think. Seems to anyway. I got him a mushy card. It made him tear up. :) I could always pick 'em, huh papa? No, it's not my intention to make the person cry but if it happens, my job is done. :P   Still can't believe my son is 17, where did the time go? You were there for all of them. I'm glad that Rob got to know his grandpa. He will remember you and all that you taught and instilled in him. I'm thankful for that. I cherish it as much as I hope he does. I wish that you were gonna be able to be here for his graduation but I will have to settle with having you here in spirit and in our hearts. Doesn't seem fair but it's all we have now.

Rob n Shaun went to Judy's for the rest of today. Gonna ring in the new year with her and the rest of them. Gonna shoot off fireworks tonight at midnight. To ring in the new year and also for Rob's birthday. 

Brian's truck got broken into! It was right outside his house too! You know where he parks it there at the entrance? Oh daddy. He got both his computers taken, his garmin, his psp, pocket knives that you had given him, his wallet and the keys to the truck! He said it looked like they tried to take the truck but couldn't figure it out. He said it didn't seem as if the cops or his work cared. The police took the report over the phone.. can you believe it?! and work said, let them take the truck. Sheesh. I feel so bad for him. Things he worked so hard for and his wallet.. omg!! He doesn't seem too upset about it missing.. what?!! I'd be frantic! He didn't call the bank or anything. Lost his license, his bank cards, his flying j card, his fuel card.. everything!! 

Well papa.. I gotta get to bed. Work at 6am. Ugh. I'm hoping that we are slow. But since I wrote that probably just jinxed myself. I hope not. My foot hurts too bad to be running around like crazy. Before I go, here's a pic of you n Rob on his last birthday. Tears at my heart strings cuz it seems like just yesterday. I watched a show tonight called Disappeared. That's what I feel like you did, just disappear. But you are in my heart papa. Always. I must sleep. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

December 25

Merry Christmas daddy. I wanna be able to call you and tell you that. Not leave the message here. But I can't. Did you tell Jesus we said Happy Birthday? Has he had his party yet? Did you get anything good this year? I didn't. I got some money from mom, that's good but didn't get anything else worth speaking about. Storage bowls and a program to make a family tree. I stopped working on the family tree cuz I have to go back in and add info to yours and I'm not ready to do that. Judy got me both things. Shaun didn't get me anything. I got him some points for him to buy crap in his Sims game. Judy got Rob a magic kit. He opened it last night, learned a few of the tricks and did them for us.. it was actually pretty cool. Needs to work on his presentation a little but he still did good. Made me smile and it felt good to smile for a change. Shaun's at his mom's. He's been spending a lot of time over there. Apparently I'm not much fun to be around. OK. I accept that cuz I haven't been. My friend at work, her mom passed away last night. Did you see her arrive? How many arrivals do they have up there everyday? That's another one of those "I wonder" questions. A bit morbid. Sorry. Give her a hug for Charlene, will ya? I don't know her name. She had a mild heart attack on Monday and Thursday was well enough to go home and then last night about 930 passed away. I don't know what exactly happened. I just feel so bad for Charlene. She's about my only friend at work. Ask God to give her and her family peace. I'm praying for her too. I don't know much else. It's snowing. Oh joy. I hate snow dad. I have to go to work in this yuck at 530 in the morning. Only good thing about that is there won't be too many yo-yo's out in it at that time. If these ppl have any sense in their heads they will stay home instead of going out driving in the stuff. We are opening at 5am tomorrow cuz they think we are gonna be busy. I pray we're not. Gotta go turn my car around in the driveway so I can get out in the morning. I love you. Merry Christmas again papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

December 24

Bah Humbug daddy. How are you today? I have zero Christmas spirit. It's just another day this year. I know it's still the celebration of Jesus but don't feel like celebrating much. We've gotten Rob some gifts so he will have a nice Christmas, hopefully. But being an ungrateful teenager I'm sure we will fall short somehow. This week has been crappy. I've only gotten maybe 15 hrs this week. 15 dad! That won't even pay the bills. We had too many ppl there so lucky me got picked to go home cuz I was one of the first ones there both days. I thought I'd come home yesterday and try to do something festive but just didn't have it in me and also no money to go get the ingredients to make anything. Life is just generally sucky as of late. I've been crying a lot the last few days, thinking of you. I just keep thinking how unfair and not possible it is for you to be gone because you were just here.. and now, you are gone. Poof, gone. Not even a goodbye got to be said. I found this song on YouTube.  How I wish I could talk to you.

 There's this customer that comes in that reminds me of you. He has blue eyes like yours, a long beard like yours, his mannerisms, the way he talks. The other day he was in there and was talking to one of his friends about his hips hurting him and they want to do surgery but can't cuz if they put him to sleep he might not wake up..just makes me think of what mom was saying about that surgery you were supposed to have before this happened. I had to leave the lobby cuz the more he talked the more I thought of you and about started to cry and crying at work just isn't cool. Things around here haven't been that great. Shaun has been a royal PITA, ask mom, she can tell you what that stands for, lol. He's been riding Rob's butt about everything, has been a total grinch. He went shopping with his mom and she got me and Rob something and he just gives it to us. Doesn't wait until Christmas, doesn't try to make it a surprise or anything, just gives it to us. I'm not getting anything for Christmas anyway, huh, why? Because we don't have the money. We had to sell stuff just to get Rob's stuff. We sold some video games, books and movies. I told you about that, at McKay's, remember?  Anyway.. I'm just saying, I'm not getting much.. and to know what the gifts are.. what's the fun in that? Makes me not even wanna open them. She got me something else and he told me what it was. Storage bowls.. yeah.. whoopee.. like I needed more storage bowls. 

Have been having a time with Rob too. His attitude towards Shaun. OMG dad. If you heard how he's been talking to and about his dad.. let's just say, if we had done it when we were kids, we'd be toothless. He's been cussing him, calling him an A-hole. That's what he says..tells Shaun he's an A-hole. Shaun finally had enough of it and made Rob explain himself and Rob apologized. I know if you were here you'd be on the phone with your favorite grandson giving him a good talking to. Miss that you aren't here to do that anymore. He'd straighten right up when you'd talk to him. Just so sick of being their referree. Told Shaun that too. He's going to get his sister on Sunday. We're supposed to have snow tonight into tomorrow. I hate snow. Always have. Cold, yucky white stuff. Ppl around here have no clue how to drive in it. I worry about him going to get her cuz he has to go through Atlanta and they certainly don't know how to drive in it. They don't know how to drive down there anyway regardless of the weather. 

Judy invited me to come over for Christmas dinner tomorrow but I don't think I'm gonna go cuz I just don't feel like celebrating anything plus I have to work early on Sunday and I don't want to hear her incessant talking. Yammering on about not a thing. I have to listen to Donna constantly running her mouth at work everyday. I have a choice about it when I get home. I come home and do what I want and so I think I'm going to do what I want and stay home. Shaun told me yesterday that he knows that you wouldn't have wanted me to quit living my life cuz you left. I know you wouldn't have dad but I haven't and don't feel like doing anything. I haven't quilted or sewn or felt like doing anything for quite a while. 189 days in fact. Losing you, I lost a part of me. I don't know where or when I'll find it again but I haven't even felt like looking for it yet. 

Mom is doing ok. She misses you just awful. She baked a whole bunch of pies for Christmas gifts and made Chris a cinnamon chocolate cake, the lucky dog. I love that cake! Bet you were sitting in your chair soaking up all the good smells. Did you let her know you were there? She needs to know you are still there keeping her safe. Thank you for helping her figure out how to fix the furnace the other day. I was so worried about her not having heat. She told me the other day that Snick ran off when she got home from running errands with her. She was so mad at him. She said he's grounded now for a while. It would be not just heart breaking but crushing to lose him so soon after losing you. I know it's been 6 months since you had to go but still feels like yesterday. Guess I'll go. Merry Christmas daddy. Tell Jesus we said Happy Birthday. Eat a big piece of cake for me. I love you papa bear. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3                                                 

December 17

Hey papa. Today's mom's birthday. Wish you were here. Not just today but just here period. She took today off. Not sure what's she's doing but I'm sure she wishes you were with her doing it. Still doesn't seem real that you are gone. I got a card from Aunt Clara. She said she was so glad she got to see you last year. Can't believe a year has gone by and it's almost Christmas time again. I'm so not in a festive mood. Haven't decorated the house, haven't even got Rob's presents wrapped yet and Christmas is next Saturday. We got Rob a small tree for his room and he went out and got his stocking and he's gonna put some lights up in there. Yay, the holidays. Bah Humbug!! I'm not sure why exactly. I'm sure you being gone is part of it. I know that we didn't spend many Christmases together since we moved here but you guys being here last year for Christmas and Rob's birthday was amazingly awesome. When you left last year and got home and told me that it wouldn't happen again, you guys coming in the winter.. who knew, huh? I guess God did. Just wish he had given us some idea that our world was gonna crash to a ka-zillion pieces come summer. It's been 26 weeks, 183 days.  183 days ago I was flying to Kansas as fast as my car would get me there. I somehow always knew that my fear of not being there to say goodbye to you would happen. Who knew that God would take you from us in such a way where all of us were shaking our heads in disbelief. I think that we all are still in our own ways dealing with the disbelief and shock of you being gone. I've talked to Brian a few times and it's not like it used to be, he seems angry and also like he doesn't care anymore. I'm not crying as much as I was but I still do from time to time. I was just thinking a little while ago that next week when Rob opens gifts you will be spending Christmas with Jesus this year celebrating his birthday with THE man himself and in just a few weeks it will be your birthday. That's gonna be hard. How much I wish you were here to be with mom. Not sure what she would have gotten you this year for Christmas but I'm sure you woulda got some new overalls and shirts and you woulda gotten her something unexpected like you usually did. Money's tight so me and Shaun aren't getting each other anything, just got Rob some stuff, as it should be. I don't need nothing. Can't even think of anything I'd ask for if we had the money to spend. Just you. Having you back is all I would want for any gift. I'm not much for gift giving/getting days. Feelings always get hurt, generally mine. Ppl not liking what they got or me getting disappointed with what I got. I don't know much else. Work is going OK. Donna has actually been civil the last couple days. Don't know why. Not gonna jinx it though cuz she's really good at making my day miserable. We had ice the other night. I was worried about getting to work cuz of it but by the time I had to go it had melted. Yesterday at work I was sick. Woke up so dizzy, was nauseous and had spots in front of my eyes. (have you seen a doctor, no- just spots.. lol) hehe. . that's what mom would always say to me about my headaches. But I made it through the day barely. I left early cuz my head was swimming. I don't know why I was feeling so crappy. I came home and got things settled, dinner and such and then laid down for the rest of the night. Fell asleep real early so I woke up real early this morning. Hate that cuz it's my day off. Have done a whole lot of nothing today. Been in my jammies all day. Guess I'll let you get back to what you're doing. Stop by and give mom a birthday hug, she will love it. Heck, who knows--you might be there now filling the house with your warmth and have already wrapped your arms around her and given her a very special birthday. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

December 10

Hey Papa. Been thinking about you a lot this week and crying. Wish I could get to the point where I could think about you and smile. Still too hard. I miss you so much. There's so many things I wanna tell you about, so many things that have been happening. Work is going ok. Still having a helluva time with Donna. I have no clue why she hates me so much, not that I really care, but it makes for a crappy day when no one is talking to me at work. Even the morning manager isn't talking to me. She just barks orders to me, things that I have already done or have on my list to get done. Like really, I know what needs to be done. It's not like I'm just standing there doing nothing. I'm constantly moving from when I walk in the door until I leave. Just so sick of it. I know I have to stick it out and not let them get to me but it's hard. Hearing dumb ol' Donna muttering her stupid snide remarks and having to pretend I don't hear them. Nope, I'm sorry I can't.. I'm not gonna pray for her. I'd only pray bad things would happen to her and I know that's not nice. Oh, I got my new shirts yesterday. They are definitely yellow. They are short sleeved and have Mindy sewn on them. So excited about them. I'm getting a red hat too but haven't gotten it yet. I'm excited but also thinking it will just add more fuel to Donna's fire about me. Wish she'd just shut up! Enough about all that. 

How have you been? Wish you could tell me. Mom went to a thing on Tuesday night that the funeral home put on. Remembering all those that have gone this year. How I wish you could come back from where you've gone. She got a coin she said. She hasn't looked at it yet. I don't think she's ready, which is fine. Getting your marker and the coin she got just seems to put some finality on our horrible summer. To think that you've been away 25 weeks, 176 days today, still seems like a dream. A horrible nightmare I wanna wake up from so badly. I still wanna get that call saying it was all a dream. That you are really not gone forever. That you are at home sitting in your chair with Snick and watching something on tv and trying to stay awake. I'm still trying to understand and really accept that you're gone. You are in my dreams some nights. We are doing things with mom or with the boys. Kinda weird but nice to see you in my dreams. Last night we were all having dinner together and having such a nice time. I didn't wanna wake up this morning because you go away. I don't like away. Away brings me back to reality and reality sucks. 

Rob has 3 days of school left until winter break. He'll be out until January 11th. He's exempt again from finals because of perfect attendance and he's got good grades in all of his classes. 3 A's and 1 B. I'm so proud of that kid. He went and talked to his guidance counselor a few weeks ago and told her about our money problems and the other day she sent home vouchers for us yesterday. I was shocked and mortified he talked to her. We got one for K-mart for $50 and it was to be used for school supplies or clothes and so we got him a new winter coat today. I felt like such a bad mom the other day cuz he asked me if we could go get him one and I had to tell him we didn't have the money. Then he got the voucher, it was a blessing. We got him a nice coat and some gloves and a hat. He is so funny. He cracks me up. Makes me feel good that he can really be himself around me. He tells me things he doesn't tell Shaun and is always cracking jokes or doing impressions. I enjoy the time we spend together. Gonna kill me when he is all grown and gone. Mama says to remember that we raise our children to be on their own but with him being my one and only the thought of him leaving and being on his own petrifies me. I still see him as the little guy who needs me to do things for him and protect him and now he's doing for himself and protects me. Doing my best to raise him right papa. I know you are proud of him too. Yes sir, he is still playing too many video games and watching too much tv. He'd tell you that he's a teenager and that's what they are supposed to do.

I don't know much else. Oh, the other night I wanted to call and talk to you so bad. You know when we cleaned out the shed for the preacher and took all that stuff to Rosalia for him and we found that humidifier in there we thought was new? Well, it wasn't new after all. I finally got it out the other day cuz I've been sick this week and when I took it out there were no instructions to it and there were paper towels inside the water tank. It works fine. I'm using it now. Our house has been so dry my nose itches and I can't breathe. I have this huge sore on my lip that I'm not sure if it's a cold sore or a reaction to something I ate. I'm using some stuff on it but it's not going away. I spent Tuesday in bed cuz I didn't feel good, plus cuz I could.. hehe. Also spent most of today doing the same. Wish I could find my motivation again to do stuff.. read, sew, work on my school stuff, exercise,  just enjoy things again. I've decided I'm not sending out Christmas cards this year either. Not going to decorate the house either. Besides Christmas is in 2 weeks. If I get the stuff out I'd just have to put it back in 2 weeks so yep, gonna let it slide this year. Think ppl would understand. Just don't have it in me. Just feel like I've accomplished something if I made it through the day not hurting anyone. I'll find my motivation again, eventually.  The other day we took some old movies and books and games to McKay's to sell it to get Rob some Christmas. McKay's is this place in Chattanooga that buys and sells movies, games and books. The place is huge! 2 stories. The top floor is music - old records and cd's. The bottom part is the video games and books. They gave us 128 bux in credit so we were able to get Rob some of the things he was asking for. I almost thought Rob wouldn't have a Christmas but Shaun and I put on our thinking caps to come up with some way to get the money to get him stuff and it panned out. Look at me, just keep blabbing like I have you on the phone. Remember all the times we'd talk on the phone, well, I'd talk and talk and tell you every little thing and you would just so patiently be at the other end of the line listening or doing a fine job pretending you were? Mom would always tell me that before you retired when we'd call you'd automatically hand her the phone cuz you didn't think we wanted to talk to you. I loved our phone calls. I miss them terribly. I miss you. Guess I'll go, I've talked your ear near clean off. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

December 2

Hey Papa! I got good news. Wish you were still here so I could tell you for real and not through this. I got certified today for master cashier!! Woooo-Hoooo!! I'm so happy! I made it daddy! I know you'd be so proud of me. I can hear you-- you would chuckle and you would say Well, congratulations darlin'. I am so proud of you baby girl. I knew you could do it. So what happens now? Well papa.. I get a pay raise of $2/hr and get a yellow shirt. It's bright yellow too. I also will get a new visor, it'll be red. The one I have now is beige. And my name will be sewn on my shirt.  I wasn't expecting the guy to come today. It was a different guy from the one we had yesterday for the manager that got certified. He was really nice and have to say it was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. He just observed me, made sure I did what I was supposed to and was bubbly.. and apparently I was bubbly enough :) and that I handled my customers correctly, touched tables.. that means, checking back on my customers. He asked me a few questions.. how do you make sweet tea, how do you know if you have a counterfeit bill, what would I do if a customer insisted I short changed him. He gave me the master cashier application and it had questions on it and while I filled it out he went and checked the computer to see how my attendance and points were. I told him it would be a boring report cuz I'm always on time and don't have any points. So we get done with that and he watches me some more with my customers and then we weren't busy and I was checking the lobby and was coming from the back with a broom to sweep up a mess this family made with their four little ones, it's called birth control-really ppl!!.. anyway, he stopped me as I was going back to the lobby and said, I have just one more question, What size shirt do you wear? Papa!! OMG!! Yeah, I was stoked!! So I picked out my shirt size and he told me that with the certification comes a $2 raise which will go into effect on Monday. (whoop whoop!!) He gave me a congrats letter from the big boss, and told me that as soon as he gets my lapel pin he will get it to me. Oh daddy! I'm so happy it's over, so happy I was able to achieve this. Now I just have to bring it every day from now on. Of course Donna was there today. I was worried what she would do or say. She didn't say anything while he was there but after he left she sure had a lot to say. She said that she wanted to be certified too cuz the certify guy didn't do anything. Yes he did, and his job was to observe. She has no idea what he was asking me or what I had to do to achieve it. She's just jealous. I wish they'd just fire her and get it over with. She is so hateful. She was talking crap on our new mgr today. I hope she gets busted or caught and they get rid of her. I know, bad attitude dad but she is just ugly. I don't know much more. Just wanted to tell you. You've been gone 24 weeks now. 24 weeks too long. All seems like a dream still. I wish so much I could wake up from all of this and call your phone and you'd be at the other end and I could hear your laugh and you telling me what you've been up to and how proud you are of me. I miss you daddy. God how I miss you. Guess I'll go. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3