May 27

Hey dad, graduation was good. Wish of course you had been there in person but you were definitely there in spirit. Rob wore the boots you gave him and the necklace you made for him with the cross. I think he wishes you had been there too but he carried you close to his heart. After graduation we had a small get together for him at the house. Sandwiches, chips and cake. It was nice. We got so many good pics of him. I'll share some with ya when I get back home. We're at Deb's now, drove up last night. We left about 4 and got here about 11 our time. We got lost a couple of times but found our way around. Rob would misread the directions and so I missed an exit and had to go back about 7 miles and then went the wrong way when we got to IL-1. We got turned around and going the right way. We were on empty though and out in the middle of no where. I'm sure you heard the prayers going up on that one. I was praying hard I'd find a gas station and then poof, there was one. Def stopped and got a little. Got here all safe and sound, slept ok. Rob is still sleeping. He was on the big bed and then came and snuggled with me on the twin size one. Made me almost cry cuz he is still so sweet. He's scared about leaving home. Not knowing what this trip to Kansas will bring. I keep trying to reassure him that it's going to be fine. He's scared to be away from me. He's going to be fine, I know he will be. You guys got all us raised and grown and we lived to tell about it.

Now it's time for Shaun and I to see if we can get along without one of the things that we've been together so long for. Rob's kinda been the glue that keeps us, us. I'm sure we'll get along fine cuz he's my best friend but just not having Rob there is gonna be so hard. Having him run up the stairs when I get home at night to give me a hug or tell me about his day and ask me about mine. I guess mom must feel the same way when she gets home and no one is there to talk to her. Gonna be good for her to have Rob there to have that again for a while. I know this is why we raise our kids to do. Grow up and leave home but holy Hanna potato chips it hurts. I told Rob it would help him to understand us and respect us more and he said, I already respect you mom. We had so many conversations about him going and it was all yeah yeah I'll go and then it came time and he was like, wait, you were serious? We were getting ready to leave last night and he was sitting on the stairs and I asked him what was wrong and he told me he was scared to leave. I sat and held him for a little while and reassured him it's gonna be fine. I know it will. I gotta motor dad. I love you soooo much! (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

May 24

Oh daddy.. in like 48 hours your #1 grandson will be all graduated. I can't believe the time has come. I've been getting the house all prepared for company. Auntie, Uncle Al, Deb, and 2 of the kids are coming. Gonna have a full house! Judy couldn't make it and neither could mom. It's a bummer but it's ok. Life will go on like it's supposed to just maybe not like we want it to. Rob will be with mom in like 72 hours so it'll be just fine. I almost have the house done. Got a list of things done today and tomorrow I will be cooking, washing linens, making beds and trying to catch my breath for Saturday. Gonna be such a big day and such a long day. Wanna hear something stupid? Course you do.. The ceremony is at the football field and the kids will walk across the stage and do their thing, get something that represents a diploma and then after sitting thru that for 2 hours we'll all trample inside the school for a reception where they will have cake and the kids will get the real diplomas.. MAKES NO SENSE daddy! Rob's class is almost 300 kids and then add, say, 600 parents and countless other guests all going back across the campus to do this, its preposterous. I think what we are gonna do instead of fighting that crowd is one of us and Rob will go in and get the diploma while the rest of everyone load up and come back here and wait. Then we'll all regroup here and have a little reception of our own for Rob. We got him a cake and we got a meat/cheese tray. Hoping I have enough. God willing I do. I'm so worried about making things just right for him. I don't think he even cares to be honest but I do hope he understands that he's the guest of honor and needs to be in attendance for his own party.  Then following that we'll get in the car and go to Illinois where I meet up with mom on Sunday. Looking forward to that, seeing mom.. but not looking forward to the drive back home without Rob. Oh dad.. it's gonna kill me. I know that he will be absolutely positively great with mom but just not having him here every day.. ugh. I think it's gonna be a good thing all around. For all 4 of us. Shaun mentioned today that he and I haven't been he and I for 18 years. We were together 9 months before we married the first time, then there was Rob. He's been such a blessing. He totally completely owns my heart. Funny how when that tiny little package gets handed to you it grabs your heart and never lets go. I didn't think I'd ever be a mom, let alone a good one. I think I've done pretty alright.. I did have an excellent teacher with mom. When I think about what I've been given in my life, as far as the ppl in my life, I've been indubitably blessed with the ppl who've made up my life story. I was blessed with two posatutely fab parental units, I got pretty decent brothers ~ ahem, and the Lord done good when he gave me Shaun. He needed some work but now that I've got him molded and bent the way he should be, he's perfect! LOL!!! and then of course my sweet sweet boy. Not a mother around who coulda hoped for a more wonderful son. He's sweet and gentle and rough around the edges. I know you think I was always too soft on him. I just couldn't be any other way. We had our trials with him, but they were never anything to worry about. I've been very blessed that he never fell in with the wrong crowd, did drugs, knocked some girl up or smoked or drank. I know that all of that could still happen but we gave him a good foundation. We all did. You, me, mom and Shaun and all the other ppl who had a hand in raising that child of mine. There I went again, rambling.. I miss you dad.. miss our talks. In 3 weeks it will have been 2 years. Still can't believe it, still don't wanna believe it. Still want you back. Here I am, 2 years later and still talking to you like you're sitting right here beside me. Some ppl are telling me I need to stop, stop thinking about you being gone, stop talking to you like this, stop crying about you, telling me it's not good for me and only will bring me down.. oh really?... I think that some ppl need to just mind their own business! I'll do as I please, thank you very much indeed! I'm a whole lot better then I was 2 years ago but yeah, occasionally, I'll fall in my dark place and stay there awhile and cry and wish you were here, talk to your picture and cry some more. I think it's actually helped me on some days. I try to see you in other ppl. I had a customer the other day and he was wearing bib overalls and a plaid shirt. Made me think of you. It had a zipper instead of buttons there at the top part but they were still nice. They woulda been the equivalent to your sunday go to meeting ones. Anyway daddy.. I love you. Miss you so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

May 15

Hey papa.. Feeling bummed today. I went to a job fair for a job I really want and a friend went too. They said that if you don't hear from them by tomorrow to assume they offered the position to someone else. She already got a call back for an interview and nothing yet for me. I know it's not tomorrow yet but if she got one that quickly, sheesh! She said maybe they are doing it in rounds. Maybe. I still have my job at Krystal but they've discontinued the master cashier/production master program and the MC's and PM's can now lose their shirts if we're not doing everything perfectly. It's costing the company a lot cuz of all the ones that are in those positions. I think that we now have targets on our backs and they'll be looking for any reason to demote us. So I'm a little more than worried about my job. It would hurt a lot if I lose my extra $2. I talked to my manager about possibly being a shift leader. Not holding my breath for that though. I don't think Ray, our area supervisor, would ever ok it and don't think I could stay at East Ridge. We need more shift leaders but they always move mgmt around even if they tell you that you can stay at your home store before they get you trained. I just feel like a loser. I'm almost 40 and still have no idea what I wanna do with my life. I think about what mom said one time..by 30, you should know what you want to do with your life and be doing it. So....being almost 40 and a fricking cashier at a fast food place..yeah, it screams Loser!
Next Saturday your #1 grandson graduates. I can't even believe it dad. I so wish you were here. I'm at the point where I have to start letting go and I so don't want to. He'll forever be my baby boy.  He doesn't know yet what he wants to do and that's ok. He has time and he'll figure it out. He's going to wear his boots you bought him for graduation. They said dress shoes but he wants to wear them..so I'm glad you'll be there in some way.. :) Today we had his last IEP. It was kinda bittersweet cuz we've been having them twice a school year since 2nd grade. Today during his IEP, the lady was talking about him going to college in Atlanta, and living on campus and he said, uh, yeah, I think I want to stick to a place around here. It freaks me out to be too far away from my mom. She makes me feel safe. She's home. Melted my heart. Oh daddy! You'd be so proud of him...he's got a 3.5 GPA and numerically is at 89point-something. I so so proud of him!! I think I had like a 3.2 so I got one smart cookie of a kid! I don't know if he'll get any kinda recognition for it or not but I'm hella proud. I wish we could afford to get him whatever he wants for graduation but we can't. Gonna do what we can and hope he likes it. All I can do. I don't know much else, except I miss you, still. This is one of those days I wanna just call you up and cry. Hear you tell me it's gonna be ok even though I probably wouldn't believe it then but know in the end, you're right. Guess I'll go.. I love you dad.. (forehead kiss)..talk to you in a little bit. <3