November 26

Hey papa.. hope you had a good thanksgiving. I suppose I did. I made a traditional spread. Turkey, stuffing, sweet potato puff, green beans and pumpkin pie. I did OK. What did they serve in Heaven? Who'd you get to sit by? I just imagine that the meal was spectacular and you had more than enough. I think mom went to Richard's. She took Snick with her. I'm glad she did, I bet Snick had quite the time.
I've been off work since Wednesday. For some reason I got four days off this week. Can tell you I don't like it. Really hurts my paycheck. Also, too much time off gives me too much time to think. Think things like how I wish I could disappear. I've been watching these shows on Netflix about ppl that have disappeared. Gone away on their own or by other means. I don't wanna be dead.. just gone. Just go away for awhile away from everything. Not have to worry about money, getting bills paid, cleaning house or anything. Just in a suspended state where I just worry about me and what I want. There isn't anything wrong with my state of mind if you are worried about that. I just, I don't know.. get tired of the daily in and out.. the same old thing. Not feeling appreciated, feeling like I'm here to do for the guys, feeling like I'm just here to serve. I guess all wives and mothers feel that way at times. I remember our talks about this very subject. I was thinking the other day, wondering.. if you are up there thinking that we've forgotten about you by now. I'll have you know, dear sir, we have not.. nor will we ever. I woke up at 530 again this morning and was laying in bed thinking about you. The accident. What Snick must think when mom goes away on long trips. I think about what you might have been thinking or doing on that day. Running errands with Jack and Katie and Snick.. taking them where ever you had to go, stopping by the post office and picking up the mail, getting the yellow card that showed you had a package but you had gotten it too early so you didn't know it was your Father's day gift from me. Stopping to get mom's tea, going back to the house to drop off the dogs and probably telling them you'd be right back, then going to the church.. on the back roads, driving as you always did. Draped across the wheel, chewing you tobacco, listening to your music, just you and your thoughts.. then you get to that intersection and our worlds fell apart in an instant. I get mad when I think about the SOB that hit you. How he's never even said sorry. Never reached out. I hope that he has trouble sleeping at night, even now. He has no idea what a wonderful man you were. How you were so loving and giving of yourself. I get mad that the stupid lawsuit is still dragging on and I feel like all the lawyers involved, even mom's, are taking their own sweet time to get this settled. You were wrongfully taken from us. It's clear cut, he was on a road he shouldn't have been without the proper license, speeding and didn't yield or even look when he entered the intersection. I have mixed emotions about what mom says about if it hadn't happened there it would've happened somewhere else. Maybe she's right. But I don't know dad. We don't know. Maybe that following week when you had had that surgery something would've happened. But maybe you would've lived to be 90.. who knows. I just wish we could've found out. I miss you so much dad. I look at pictures of you and think why you. Why my dad. Why my friend. I think how unfair life can really be at times.
I told you about Bill having cancer.. that guy that reminds me so much of you.. I guess he's not doing well at all. He's lost a bunch of weight and all his hair. I've heard they don't give him much time. That's sad cuz he's such a nice guy. When he goes, I don't wanna know.. but when he gets to Heaven, look him up.
I guess I'll go.. I've done enough thinking for now. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

November 14

Hey papa.. made it there and back to Illinois to see mom n them. Took out early on Thursday AM and the whole way there I'm thinking I should just turn around and go back home. Something in me was dreading the drive. Something in me was telling me to turn around, or take a nosedive off the highest bridge I could find.. but I kept on going. I got there around lunchtime like I planned. I felt so outta place, like I shouldn't have been there. Like I was intruding. Mom assured me I wasn't but still I felt like maybe I shouldn't have been there. It was so good to see mom though. She looks good. She's lost some weight. Seeing Richard was about like I thought it would be. We got along and I even stayed in the same room he was in but I stayed guarded cuz I'm still not sure about him. I gave mom the hug from you. I hope she holds it close and puts it some place close by her so she can always look at it and know it's a hug, from you. The rest of Thursday was OK. Friday they got up early cuz the boys had to go put flags out for Veteran's day. I was up early anyway cuz I couldn't sleep and my body was telling me it was time to get up. I am my father's child, for sure. I couldn't sleep late if my life depended on it. Up every day before the crack of dawn. We had breakfast and then mom n me went to Oblong to a quilt shop. It was kinda fun, and it was nice just being alone with mom. I really miss her. I hate being so far from her. It'll be nice when she's only 7 hrs from me. As long as we don't move farther south. She bought a house about five minutes from Deb's. I think you might like it. It's quite blue. I guess the ppl that lived there really liked blue. Every room and the carpet is blue. The bathroom needs some updating but it's OK if you're like 5 foot tall. I hope she's happy there. She won't be moving there until spring of 2013 but I think maybe by then the work she wants to do to it will be done and then she and Snick can move right in. I just worry that they will smother her with attention. I begged her to not let them stifle her voice. When she needs help, she will ask and if she doesn't want to do something, I hope she speaks up. Mom is becoming pretty independent so I'm sure she's got this one on lock.  

When I first saw Aunt Norma I was worried about her. I thought that her Lupus was acting up again or she had cancer. Her face is swollen from taking a steroid the dr gave her for her ankle. I didn't look at it but mom says it's quite gross. Something happened to it and it's not healing and I guess it's been several weeks and should be healed by now but it's not. Aunt Norma, of course, keeps her spirits up about it and doesn't complain about it. Uncle Al looks the same and so does Deb n Fred. The kids have changed but that's expected. I didn't even recognize Joseph. When he came out in the kitchen Friday AM I asked Peter who the strange child was following him. He's a bit of a brat too. Peter has changed. He used to be this quiet little boy and now he's this chatty young man. Richard thinks he's gay but I don't know. He did do some things that you may think gay but it's not my call. Whatever floats his boat.   The rest of Friday was OK. We went to Villa's and got some stuff and then back to the house and then to dinner. The place we went was overrated. They were saying how good it was but I've had better. Maybe if I hadn't gotten half a head of lettuce with a chicken breast on it, it might been better. Their chef salad was a joke. But nothing else really sounded good. I did appreciate they letting me tag along though. The whole weekend I felt in the way. I went a couple places with mom and with Richard and that was enjoyable. Richard was nice to me but I couldn't talk to him like I talk to mom. He laughed at Rob's pictures and that upset me. His senior pics are so nice and he said so and then I showed all of them how Rob looks now and Richard laughed, the others scoffed.  I was told by everybody that I shouldn't let Rob have his beard and long hair and how I should make him get a job and continue his education after high school and a lot of other things about Rob that they I guess figure I haven't thought about. Made me feel like I'm a bad mom to Rob even though I know I'm not. I have told Rob he needs to shave and he needs a hair cut but it goes in one ear and out the other and we have discussed his future which always ends up in an argument. Idk what he's gonna do but Idk what I'm gonna do either. I have a possible opportunity to become a breakfast supervisor "in time" but idk if that's what I wanna do. I have to jump through all these hoops before I get there and it's only a $1 raise. I used to get pd what I would making when I babysat as a teenager. I don't wanna be a glorified babysitter or worry about covering a shift when someone calls out or work hours past 6pm. I like what I do now. Take orders and take care of my lobby. Do my time and go home. I still think I'd like to be a CNA but again, idk. I seem to never have the money to take the classes. Mom said I'm getting too old to not know what I wanna do with myself. She said being a cashier is fine but I have to want more.. well, I don't.. not right now. Made me feel like a loser. I know I'm not dad and she didn't mean to make me feel like that but like I said, I felt SO outta place being there. Like I was under the microscope. Mom n Aunt Norma are always figuring out everyone's lives. I guess I just didn't expect that mine needed to be figured out.

I left early on Saturday morning. About 530. I got up at 445. I had to get down the stairs in the dark and that was kinda creepy. The stairs are so high and steep. Made it down the stairs OK then I went in the bathroom and got ready and then noticed my cell phone wasn't charged so I plugged it in and stayed in there a while waiting for it to charge. I made it out to my car and got all situated then took off. I was gonna stop at Wal-Mart cuz I was gonna get some road munchies but couldn't tell if they were open or not so I kept going. When I stopped for gas about 3 hours later I got something to eat. BBQ chips and coconut crunch donuts.. yeah boy!.. Good stuff!! The drive home was OK. I made better time coming home then going there. Guess cuz of the traffic and all. Idk. It was great to see mom and it'll probably be 6 months before I see her again. Keep an eye on her and hold her close. I pray God keeps her safe this winter and Snick too. I wish I coulda seen him but she couldn't bring him to Deb's cuz of her fancy floor. He's such a good dog. You n mom picked a real winner with him. He was your best friend and I completely understand why. Guess I better go. I gotta get my uniforms ironed for work tomorrow. They changed my days off so I have 2 more days before I'm off. Thanks for riding along with me to Illinois n back.  Love you papa. (forehead kiss!) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

November 9

Hey papa... I'll be going to see mom tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. She is visiting Aunt Norma and them this week. Richard is with her. Idk what I think about seeing him. He and I don't get along very well anymore so Idk how it's gonna go. I will do my best to play nice. I'm sure he will put on this phony act of "hi sisser sisser".. yeah ok whatev! I know he doesn't mean it. I guess that's what bugs me about him. You don't know when he's being real. When you can trust him. I guess I should just need to be cautious around him all the time. Watch what I say and how I say it. Not let my guard down so that I don't get hurt by him again. Lord knows how many times he hurt you and mom. That sux when you can't talk to someone and just say what you want.. having to measure your words so you don't hurt their feelings or offend them. Rich n I used to be the best of friends before we grew up and grew apart. There's times I miss those days but also know maybe it's for the best. He has his life and I have mine. Odd though that me and Brian get along now and can talk and I cry when he leaves after he's stopped to see me given how it was growing up. Yes sir, I know this is a public forum and anyone can read this but this is also a conversation between you and me. A father and daughter. Even though, you're not here.. you still are. You always will be.  I could always talk to you.. tell you exactly how I was feeling, what was on my mind. I miss our talks. I miss you. 

Gonna be nice to have the next couple days off to be with mom. I haven't seen her since May, Aunt Norma since August 2010 and Deb n them since June 2010. It'll be nice to see them but I will feel awkward and out of place at their house. I feel like I'm intruding anyway cuz this is mom's vacation and I kinda invited myself to come see her. She coulda said no I guess. I'm gonna head out early in the morning. Before the sun rises hopefully. Be there by lunch time.

Guess what I was able to accomplish.. I don't know what it exactly means but I was able to finish a book... I love reading and since losing you I haven't been able to concentrate to read and I was finally able to read a book. It was nice.. started reading it and didn't wanna stop. A small step I guess in the direction of life. Oh.. did I tell you I found a gray hair?! My first one!! I was shocked, speechless.. yeah me, speechless! I plucked that baby right out my head. I haven't seen anymore and hope not to. Gray is so not my color. LOL!! I don't know much else. Gotta keep moving, gotta get to bed soon so I can go see mom. I love you so much dad. I will give mom a hug from you when I see her. Love you, miss you.. Talk to you in a little bit. <3