August 28

 
Made this for you today dad. I so wish you were here.. I love you papa.. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 26

Hey papa. Been away a few days. How you been? Did you get much accomplished? Me and mom have talked. She seems OK. She misses you so much. Told me the other day she's having a hard time with things some days and finds herself crying. I told her it's OK to cry. We gotta deal with the grief or it will eat us up. I know, cuz it's been eating me alive. I'm still crying, every day. I see a picture of you, smell a smell that reminds me of you, think of how things used to be and should be and start crying. At times, I think Shaun understands and others I think he's tired of all the tears. The other night when I was convinced mom hated me, I bawled like a baby and he comforted me for a little bit and then said, 'why don't you take a nap'.. like a nap will solve all this? I've been sleeping a lot this past few days. You know I'm not one to sleep so much. I'm usually up with the sun and go, go all day long. My friend had me take these online tests to see if I'm depressed. All of them I took said, Seek professional help. Oy. I think they were all rigged. He asked me if I answered yes to do I feel worthless and wish I was dead questions and well, yeah, I said yeah. Cuz I have lately. Last night, before I went to bed I looked to see if I could find someone to talk to. Just to feed my own curiosity and to see what I could find. I found some but don't figure I can afford to talk to anyone. I called Hospice. They offer free grief counseling, well, they have group meetings that are free. I'm not sure if it costs to talk to someone one on one. I talked to someone named Susan. She seems nice. I'm gonna see what my schedule is gonna be like next week and then maybe meet with her. I guess it's time daddy. Time I start figuring out all these feelings and how to not cry so much. Not that I don't think you aren't worth the tears but all the tears in the world aren't bringing you back to me. I wish you could come back. Everyone says that you are in a better place and that it was just 'your time' but I don't so much agree. OK, yeah, you're not hurting anymore and you're not dizzy anymore but I don't think it was 'your time'. I know you always told me that when it was time God punched your ticket and you were gonna get to ride on that long black train. Well, I wanna ride too. I miss you dad. Mom misses you. I'm sure the boys and all your friends do too. Gonna go for now. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 23

Hey papa. I have no fricking clue what is wrong with mom. You need to check on her. Seems like there is this tension there between us and seems like everything I say and do is wrong. She's been like this for a few weeks now. She was like this when I was there and is still like that. She told me before I left to text her anytime and so, like an idiot believing this was OK, I did. I sent her a message at 4something her time and waited then sent her another at 5something her time and she sends me back a message that said Some ppl have to work and don't have time to respond to messages. OK, I get that she's busy.. like I knew that 900 miles away?.. but really? She had to respond like that?! I know I have to and should be working too. Loved that dig. I know you'd hate to see things like this with me and mom. I have no idea what is up with her daddy. I don't know if it's her leg, work, the lawsuit, being alone, her taking on too much.. I don't know. I told her when I was there that we were on the same side but I guess she doesn't want me to be on her team right now. My feelings are just hurt again, no big, right? I should be getting used to it. I was telling Shaun I wish I knew how this 30 days was gonna turn out, I wouldn't have taken so much time off of work. I thought that mom was gonna need me, boy, was I wrong?! and then I thought, well, ok.. I'll use this time to clear my head and my head is more clouded than it was. I feel like I'm losing my mind some days. Shaun and I went for a drive today and all I kept thinking was ways we could have accidents where I got killed in them and he was OK. Yeah, still thinking I'd be better off gone. Apparently, I'm still playing games with that manager at Krystal's. She never responded to me all weekend and then Don told me to call her after 1030 this morning. I did and she said to come in on Friday to do the paperwork. Friday? Huh? She really has no time between today and then to do it? My patience is more than worn thin. Makes me wonder, if she treats me like she has before I've gotten the job, how on earth will she treat when I'm working there? I'm gonna use Tues-Thurs looking for something else. I really don't wanna have to go back to Convergys but it might just turn to that. I'm gonna confirm before I get all the paperwork done, if I find nothing this week, that she is gonna give me 40 hrs and work me on days like she had said when we first talked. Looking for a job completely sucks and plays havoc on your psyche.

I was telling Shaun how I hate being the age I am and have no idea what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life. I feel completely useless, I am completely useless. I look at the help wanted ads and I have to have this skill or that skill or this much education or that much. I have absolutely no direction for my life and that is so messed up! That's why, part of the reason, I think I'd just be better off gone. Who'd miss me anyhow? No one I can think of right off. OK. Maybe Robbie. Shaun might for a little while but that's about it. And they'd have money to get the debts all paid and money for Rob for college. Keep thinking of ways I can go that would be accidents. Saturday was the best day I've had in a long time, seeing my friend. Here we are on Monday and I'm right back to being as miserable as I was. Feeling like I'm the biggest waste of breath there is. I'm writing early today dad, didn't write yesterday cuz I didn't have much to say plus I thought I'd give you a day off. You're probably tired of hearing me whine too. I miss you dad. Could sure use one of your hugs today. Its hard for me to reach out to ppl to talk to when I try and get my hand smacked. I thought about finding someone neutral to talk to but figure I'd just be wasting my money and their time. I'm gonna be OK or die trying. I will let you have a good evening. Wrestling is on tonight. I'm sure you'll be watching it, enjoy. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3  

P.S. I was thinking of not writing you so much. I'm sure you are getting tired of trying to keep up and that you have things to do. I'll let you get to it. Go work on your walking sticks and hang out with mom a while. Maybe if you can get her to slow down long enough she will feel you there like me and Brian do. She needs something, though not sure what. OK then. Till I talk to you again. <3 u!

August 21st

Hey Papa.. wanna see something? Gimme a second.. see.. I got to see my friend today!! This is Maria. I'm not sure you remember her. We used to hang out in high school. She lives in Louisiana now. Even has the drawl they have down there.. like Jus-ton Wil-son.. hehe. I remember how you used to enjoy watching that silly cajun. Her mom and sons were with her. Her mom, the dear, told Maria when I got there to go get me something to eat. She said to me, you may be a little heavy but you need to eat, so go get something. What?! You haven't seen me in 22 yrs lady and that's the first thing you say to me?  Reminds me of someone else's mother. I told mom when I was telling her about it that I'm going to get a t-shirt made that says, Yes, I'm well aware of my size and I don't need you to point it out. Sheesh, anyway...we only got to see each other about 30 minutes but it was so worth it. It was so great seeing her. It was the best day I've had since before losing you. I actually smiled and it felt good. Now, if I can just keep it up. Was gonna say I hadn't cried today but I did.. I was just looking for this pic here and found some of you and lost it. Why can't I get over this dad? Why can't I get to a place where I can accept things and not cry everyday? When will life stop being so darn sucky?

    I'm still waiting to do the paperwork for Krystal's. Getting so tired of waiting too. I just want to get started, if I'm going to get started. If not, let me know so I can move on to something else or go back to Convergys. I'd like to at least give them a notice of some sort even if it's just hey, I won't be coming back on the 30th. I get that they are busy but seriously she can't call me and have me work on it while she is working? I'm sure it's not rocket science. I have filled out paperwork to get a job before. Why, no sir, I don't have any patience as of late. I take after mom, ya know.. :) She has little to no patience too. Uh, yes sir.. I know, it will work out if it's His will. Don was telling me that they he knows she was busy but still.. really.. the WHOLE day?? Huh.. yeah.. I heard you.. OK.. sheesh.. practicing a little patience. But remember it's only a practice run. :D LOL!

   Talked to mom today. She seemed OK. She said she's able to fasten her shoe now and the swelling has gone down a whole lot. That's so good to hear. She also said Richard and them came for dinner Friday and he cooked. That's nice. Yes sir, I know that he is 'in the area' and I'm not but still.  OK.. I'm being the duck.. you are sure talkative tonight daddy. :) Feels like you are right here sitting on my bed as I send this to you. I wish you were, I'd give you a great big hug and never let go. I'd get mom here on the red-eye and still be hugging you when we met her at the airport. If only, papa.. if only.

Shaun and Rob haven't been feeling good today. Shaun's had chest pains all day and his left arm has been hurting him. I kept asking if he needed to go to the hospital and he said no. Rob and I left to go see Maria and we got back and he was in bed. Rob went in Shaun's room to put the cat food in the closet, we keep it in there cuz the cats tear the bag up if we leave it on the porch, anyway, I asked him what his dad was doing and he said, he's just laying there. I said, What?! and he said, he's just laying in his bed. I hollered at Shaun and he didn't answer me but he was laying there with his eyes opened. Scared the buh-jesus outta me cuz I thought, OMG, NO!! I told him that he scared me too.. He just said, sorry. Rob came home from school yesterday feeling crappy. He called us while he was at school to ask us to bring him some allergy medicine cuz his nose was running real bad. I did but I don't think it's allergies. I mean, it could be, but today he's been real dizzy and said his head was hurting him. I don't know papa. He has till Monday to get better cuz I don't allow him to miss school. Well papa.. I don't know much else. I love you and still miss you terribly and there are days I'd love to join you but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Can you check and see when my ticket is gonna get punched?? Does God let you see things like that? Just like to know how much longer I got here. There are still a few things I'd like to see, like Rob graduate from high school and meet Shaun's grandson and have at least one more happy birthday..key word "happy".. so OK.. I guess I'm not ready. Things I have to do still, huh? I love you (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3

August 20

Hey papa. Today wasn't completely awful. It was still a bit sucky but tolerable. I finally got the test taken and yeah, I passed it! :) Now, I'm just waiting to do the paperwork so I can get started. The manager said she would get a hold of me sometime today, I thought, as to when we could do it and as I write this I've yet to hear from her. UGH!! So frustrating! Hopefully, before the weekend is over I will have the paperwork filled out. She truly makes me wonder if she even wants me there. 

 I haven't talked to mom this week. Well, we've texted but that's it. I guess she's been busy. From the text messages she seems to be OK. Tonight she seemed busy or bothered or mad.. hmm.. don't know really. She's off tomorrow so I will try to get her called. 

I get to see my friend tomorrow daddy!! I'm so excited. She's in Murfreesboro tonight. Less than 2 hours from me. :) She said she would be leaving there at 10, which is 11 my time, so by 1 I should see her!! Goody, goody gumdrops! I will let you know how it goes. I invited her here to eat with us but she is allergic to cats and as much fun as it might be to watch, I don't think we should watch her 'swell up like a bubble'.. her words.. LOL!! We're going to meet somewhere to have some tea or something. 

Today I pulled up some of the tile things we had in the kitchen, by the back door. The rug got ruined by the dogs and we thought about getting another one but figured the idiots would ruin it too so Rob suggested we square up the area and frame it out. I thought, hmm.. and Shaun said, yeah.. so I worked on it today. Did almost the whole thing by myself. My arm hurts from all the scrubbing I did to get the goop off the floor. I wanted to call you today and ask you what to use to get it up but as soon as I thought it, the next thought was.. I can't. Rob helped me cut the framing/edging whatever you call it. We ended up doing it backwards but aw well.. it's done. 

I better go papa..  I love you.. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 19

Hey papa.. i don't have a whole lot to tell you today. I didn't do a thing. I cried a lot. Today it's been 9 weeks since you've been gone. I looked for a song to put on my facebook page for you. Took me a while too.

I was told yet again today that the damn computer won't connect. Done playing the game. I'm going to go to a different Krystal's tomorrow. If they shoot me down, then it ain't meant to be and I will reluctantly go back to Convergys. I'm standing at the counter waiting for someone to tell me if the computer is working and thinking to myself, why the hell am I wasting my time, trying so hard to get on here?

The only other thing I did today was take a nap. I went to bed late last night looking for and listening to songs. I found this one too.. well, I tried to add it but you will need to go to the other website to see it, K? I know you were never one to use the internet much but it's a fascinating thing. Just click the link and watch it then you can get off it. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3

August 18

Hey Papa.. well phooey.. I tried yet again to take that test and again the computer is down. OMG! I am getting so frustrated. I sent a text message to the manager and to Don and neither one answered the msgs. Shaun said, just go to another store.. hmm.. there's a thought! I just might do that. I like that suggestion. He said, you have the same opportunities to advance at which ever store you go to. So true! He's so smart sometimes.

Did nothing again today. Talked to my friend, Maria, get to see her Saturday! I can't wait! She's leaving at 4 am to head to Ft Knox to see her son graduate from basic training. She's a stronger mom than me cuz I will def not be letting Boo enter the military. He's my one and only. My baby. 

We made 20bux scrubbing out Judy's garbage can. It was so nasty! Shaun said we were going to use the money to go eat tomorrow. Uh, nope. He took a nap after dinner and when he got up he wanted to know which account he could use to go get cigarettes. I said, none of them. Use that $20 you got from mom to get them. He said it was for lunch. I told him we had no biz going to eat if that's all the money there is. Told him to use it for his cigarettes. We found out a carton of cigs cost 26 bux. Put together what cash we had and he got a carton and told him it has to last him until the 29th. Gives him a pack a day. Told him if he runs out before the 29th he's SOL until the 29th. We should maybe have his check by then. He's smoked over 100 bux THIS month alone.. I didn't realize he had been smoking so much until I crunched the numbers. I think mom woulda skinned you if you had used up that much for tobacco. You probably did when you were driving the truck, huh? 

Mom asked me if I was OK today. Oh yes, I'm fine. ROTFL! I don't know what I am. I'm blah.. I'm emotionless.. OK, not emotionless but numb. I watched this video of military ppl who surprised their families with their return and the caption said it would make you cry.. I felt nothing. I want to find a hole to crawl into and be left alone. I want to laugh and be the fun person I used to be. I don't even like my company right now. So, am I fine? No, I'm not fine but I will be OK. And if I talked to someone, what would that solve? They'd have my money and I'd still be miserable. So, yeah.. I'm fine. That's what I'm gonna tell you and whoever else asks, ok dad? (wink, wink) Makes me think of that song, Nobody Knows it but Me. The whole song doesn't fit but most of it does cuz I'm certainly not glad you went away. Ask God to play it for you. 

Boo got his ring today. Oh daddy! It's so kewl! We made a kewl looking ring.. you'd be impressed. It fits me and Shaun too. Rob said it was hard to write today with it on. I told him once he got used to it he wouldn't even feel it. But it is right nice. It's sitting on my table now. Not sure what his plans are for it. He said knowing how much it cost makes him nervous to wear it. Think I might be perturbed if he doesn't wear it, given how much it cost. Guess I'll go papa. I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 17

Hey papa. How was your Tuesday? Do you even still keep track of the days? I'm sure in Heaven you don't even have calendars, huh? Ending up doing a whole lot of jack diddly nothing today. I tried going up to Krystal's to take that test and again the computer was down. Shaun tells me to just breathe and be patient. Me and patience are not friends these days. Not being able to get it done gets me thinking and worrying. I have 11 days before I have to be back at Convergys and at this rate I'm gonna end up back there, dagnabit.

Mom went to the Dr today and found out no surgery! Woo-hoo for her, huh?! I bet she is so relieved. The Dr said physical therapy 3x a week. She has this thing that will squeeze her leg. Not sure what it does exactly but if it works, kewl. Glad she doesn't have to go through the pain of surgery. I know she's tough but that woulda really hurt. 

Rob will get his class ring tomorrow. They said that parents could come to the ring ceremony if they wanted to. I thought of going and asked him if he wanted me to be there and he said he didn't care either way. Yep, he's growing up and doesn't need his mom as much as he used to. I'm excited for him. I never had a class ring. Damn thing costs about 500 bux! I'm scared he's gonna lose it or get it stolen. His ring is really kewl too. I showed you and mom a pic of it when we designed it.  

I made a coffee mug cake tonight. It was pretty good. Its a chocolate cake you can make in a coffee cup and it takes like 5 minutes. Ended up taking me 35 cuz it was a new recipe and I made one for each of us. But, if I should want something yummy and chocolate I'll make it again. Not Wow but OK.. it was edible.. and chocolate, of course!

   I also talked to one of my friends tonight about how I've been feeling. He thinks that this blog is a good outlet for me. I think so too, but at times think there is more in me that needs to be addressed. I want to be happy again. Look forward to things and they actually happen. Seems like every thing I look forward to these days blows up in my face. My birthday was a total disappointment. Can't believe how let down I was by everyone closest to me. I can't seem to get this test taken I need to take for this job. Just little things, but the little things can add up and they become big things. I'm supposed to see my best friend from high school on Saturday but at the rate things are going, something will probably pop up that prevents that. Life is so sucky and I want it to stop being sucky. I want to laugh and smile again and not feel this emptiness and pain inside of me. Still keep thinking I'd be better off gone. I know I shouldn't feel or think like that and I know you'd be sad to know that's how I feel but I'm trying daddy.. trying to pull myself out of this slump I'm in. It's not easy but I haven't given up yet. Will let you know when I do, cuz I will come find you. You are waiting  just beyond the moon for mama, right? See, I know where you're at! I better go. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 16

Hey papa. Did you ever get to the just wanna give up point? I think I'm there. Just sick of everything. I think there was a meeting on how the world was gonna F up my life for a while and I missed the memo. Everything in my life keeps turning to crap daddy. Losing you was the beginning of it and then it's been downhill from there. Mom getting hurt and I can't be there, I was there for a few days but felt in the way.. then my birthday, that was a waste of every one's time apparently cuz well, you see how that turned out.. and here at home, have no reason to be here, except to be the cook and the maid. You know that nice rug I had in my kitchen, it's RUINED.. thanks to the stupid dogs!! They peed and pooped on it and we can't get the smell out.  And let's not forget about my wonderful job, I know I should just be thankful I have one right now but I just hate it. Just keep thinking how much better my world would be if I joined you. Just feel like I'm in every one's way here, hell, where ever I am. That I'm a hassle. Something to deal with. You know, just that fat chick that lives down the hall.

Today was another waste of a day. I went to Krystal's to try to take that test I have to take to see if I can get the job and their computer was down again. Almost starting to think that's God telling me that I don't need to be doing that job. I don't know. I think I can get somewhere in it, hope I can anyway. The managers are my age so I don't see why I can't be there too. If I'm not to be doing this job, then what am I to be doing. Did a whole lot of nothing else today. Took a nap and then made dinner. Chicken and rice. It was pretty good. Rob has fall pictures tomorrow. I helped him pick out what he was gonna wear and it turned into a yelling match. He wants to wear that K-9 t-shirt you found for him. He loves that shirt. But it's just not a shirt you wear to have your school picture taken in. He said he was gonna wear it in his senior pictures. No, he's not. :) I don't know whats going on with me, with my life, with how I've been feeling but I know I gotta pull myself outta this. When this all started I was worried about mom falling into this slump and here I am, the one in it. Mom seems to be doing OK. She seems strong. Maybe it's just the front she's put up so she doesn't fall apart. Losing you was a like a mirror getting shattered and the pieces going every where. I've lost some of the pieces and can't piece my mirror back together. I'm ready to join you daddy but I know that's not in Gods timing right now. Must not be cuz for my birthday I prayed I wouldn't wake up, that he would just take me in the night, that I was ready to go,  but I unfortunately woke up and my nightmare of a life continues. Lucky me. Blah.. even as I type this it annoys me how I'm feeling. I hate being around ppl who whine and bitch all the time and Ive become that person. I just wanna be happy again, to have my mind off of things and my head clear. I want you back, that would be a great place to start. I look at your pictures and keep thinking, this can't be true, you really aren't gone and I know I keep saying that but God, how I want that to be the case. I better go. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Miss you terribly. Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 15

Hey papa. Can I call 'em or can I call 'em?! My birthday sucked a big one. The entire day was sucky. From start to finish. I didn't expect anything--and got just that and yep, my feelings got hurt. This morning I got up and mom said Happy birthday then I cleaned up your bathroom, got the bedroom ready for Auntie if she has to come, had a bowl of cereal, emptied the dishwasher, got my shower and did laundry. Ran Snick to the park. Brian was in town so I went and got him and took him to your house for a little while. He tried to spank me. I think I'm quite past being spanked for my birthday, thank you. Took him back to his truck and then we left for the airport. Mom got me there with plenty of time to spare. Gave her a hug and Snickers a kiss and got checked in for my flight and got to the gate. Didn't cry this time. I don't know why. Maybe cuz I was thinking about things. Thinking about this past week. Thinking about today. Thinking that when I got to the other end and Shaun and Rob were going to make my birthday special, but I was wrong. Tell you about that in a second. My flight was fine. A little bumpy here and there but the clouds were beautiful. I sat next to the wing and engine. I think being up there is the closest I'll be to you for a while. I wish you were here though. Shaun picked me up at the airport. We got out of there and drove home, he said on the way home he was thinking of a surprise for me so I'm thinking, oh, he got me something.. nope.. nada.. I got nothing daddy.. nothing. Rob made dinner tonight and I did get my Baskin Robbins cake but nothing else. I got birthday wishes on Facebook and that candle thing I talked mom into but that's it. Oh, I did get to clean house when I got home. Fabulous fun. All I need now is the bullet and the gun. A dreadful day daddy. Simply dreadful. I was just, I don't know, expecting it to be happy or fun or God, something.. but it was nothing.. it was just another day, as you would say about yours. Would have just liked a little bit of happiness, if even for just a day. 

I turned on my laptop a little while ago and I have your picture there, the one when you were here for my birthday 2 yrs ago.. I bawled, sobbed, cried so hard.. my day being like it's been and then to see your picture. You so happy and your eyes sparkling. Rob heard me crying and came running in here. He held me and let me cry. Kept telling me it was gonna be OK. He's asked me like a million times since I've been home if I was OK. No, Rob, I'm not OK..  but thank you for caring. I'm gonna go papa. I finished that book I was reading at your house and am ready to start the 2nd one so guess, I'm gonna go do that. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit <3

August 15, 2008.. by far, one of my bestest birthdays.. wish you could have been here for this one dad. Love u!

August 14, 2010

Hey papa. I'm bored. There is nothing on TV and nothing to do. Today was again blah. My birthday lunch got derailed. Mom's thing took longer than she expected it to and Richard had to go to work. He asked us to come to the bowling alley but I didn't want to eat at a bowling alley. We didn't have anything to do in Wichita besides eat so I didn't want to waste mom's gas. We came back home and had leftover pasta salad. Mom had offered to make a meatloaf but it's been so hot and uncomfortable and she would have had so many leftovers, I didn't want her to go out of her way for me. So, I'm bummed and bored. Don't expect anything exciting to happen for my birthday but I do expect that my feelings will be hurt. Shaun tells me that I have to make my birthday important but that's kinda hard when I don't feel like anyone else thinks it's important. I always get so emotional about my birthday. I hate my birthday. It will be over tomorrow and then when it is I won't have to give a hoot about it again. Sick of doing this to myself every year. Get excited for nothing.

We didn't do much today. Took Snick to the park, got the mail, went with mom to that place she has to do books. Mom's been thinking a lot about her surgery. She got some puzzle books today and looked for some pajamas. Didn't find anything she liked though. I know nothing else. I fly home tomorrow. I hope I have a good flight and no problems at the airport. I hate to fly. When I take off, I cry cuz I'm leaving ppl I love behind, plus it's a little scary. When I leave tomorrow, I don't know when I'll be back cuz I have to get back to some resemblance of life. Gonna go try to find something to do I guess. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 13, 2010

Hey papa. Good ol Friday the 13th. Always remember how you hated that date. Today was blah. Didn't get a lot accomplished today. Took Snick to the park but he only got to stay a few minutes. Some jerks showed up and came in like they owned the place. Got Snick and we left. Ran a couple errands for mom, got her meds n mail for her. Made pasta n eggs for pasta salad for supper tonite. It was good. Made a hot fudge sundae cake. Omg! My favorite cake!! Think I might make another when I get back home. Speaking of home, it's make a decision time. Do I go back to Convergys where I'm not happy or move on? Mom votes move on, think I agree. Fast food isn't glamorous but it can be fulfilling. The mgr knows I want to move up the ladder so hopefully it won't take too long. Gotta go for at least master cashier to make 9+/hr. Flight home leaves at 1240. Mom said she'd have me to the airport on time. I hate leaving but I know I gotta get back to some sort of normal.

Mom is doing ok. She's concerned about her surgery but I would be too. Auntie will be here for her. I wish I could be but I can't. If something would happen where she did have to have me here I would be. You know that daddy. You, her n my guys are the most important ppl in my life. How messed up is it that I still talk like you're still here. In ways, you are to me. I know I can't see you but I know that you are still here with us in other ways. Keep an eye on mom for me. I know you will. Wrap her in your arms tight and keep her safe. Snickee too. One more sleep and then I gotta go. That sux but life is pretty sucky right now.

Tonight mom got home from work and ushered me outside and showed me the neighbors yard. The water main had broke, apparently from the heat. Mom made some calls and about 8 someone finally showed up to fix it. They were there until about 930. The neighbors now have a big hole in their driveway where they had to fix it. Nice, huh? Don't know much else. Tomorrow mom has to go learn how to do someone's payroll and then we are gonna go celebrate my birthday I guess. Mom invited Richard n them to go eat with us. Probably all we'll do. She already bought me a present. I'm gonna see if we can find Boo a cheap backpack. We got him one already but the zipper broke the 1st day of school. Mom said, we'll see. Yes sir that's mom speak for uh,no. Hehe. I love you papa. Oh how I miss you. What I wouldn't give to have you back. K. Love you(forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3

August 12, 2010

Hey papa. Today was kinda blah. Took Snick to the park today for the first time since I left. He couldn't go cuz he needed his shots and stuff. He was so happy. He ran around and did his thing then came back to me and was ready to go. Didn't do a whole lot today. Did the laundry. Thinned out the plants. We had an easy supper cuz it's been so hot. Today I looked for pics of you for the lawyer. He wants to get an idea of who you were. He'd be surprised and honored to know what a great man you were, you are. I always thought that you were the end all that be all.. ever how you say it. I always thought that if I could have just a sliver of the way you were, so nice and helpful to your fellow man, I'd have it made. I thought you walked on water. It would sometimes worry me how nice you always were. I was afraid someone might take advantage of your kindness or hurt you. But they must have seen what I did.. that you were an angel in disguise. It's been 8 weeks since you left us. I just hate Thursdays. I know I have to get to the "OK-this is what your life is going to be" point but I'm not there yet. Life sux so much right now and it still hurts like it did the day you left us. I'm still crying every day. I've had 8 weeks but it still feels like this has to be a dream. That you are some place and you are going to come home any minute. I want to wake up from this nightmare and the hole in my heart not be there. I want to get a phone call from you asking me how your baby girl is.
My birthday is now 3 days away. I don't know why I'm wasting my time counting the days. My birthday is usually sucky anyway. I know that ppl love me and all that. I just wish that ppl did things for my birthday because they want to and not feel like it's because I mentioned it and they feel they have to. I know my birthday isn't a national holiday but guess I wish I just felt important. OK, sorry daddy. I'm done whining for the day. Mom is doing OK. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 11, 2010

Hey Papa.. it is God awful uncomfortable in here. The a/c is on but it's been so hot it's having trouble keeping up.
Today was crappy! Mom went to her radiology appointment today. They put goo all over her leg and did an ultrasound on her leg and knee to see if anything was blocked. To see if they could figure out why her foot has remained so swollen. The girl said she didn't see anything so that's good.  Mom was in an uber grumpy mood today. She even yelled and cussed at me. I had asked her to call the lady who is supposed to be paying the essentials benefits and I said, Could you stress to her...? and mom exploded! She had told me earlier she was having a bad day and she wasn't kidding. At lunch, she had printed off this paper that this guy is gonna use the info to determine how much you are worth. Like there is a dollar amount big enough! Anyway, she was working on it and asked me how many hrs I thought you shoveled snow. She said 6 times a yr? I said, didn't it snow more than 6 times? Wrong thing to say apparently cuz she stormed off to her room. She seemed to have calmed down and went back to work after lunch. I went down to get a check to take Snick to the vet and she was looking for the letter from the essentials lady to call her. I made that comment and all hell broke loose. I started to cry because I'm worried about money. I'm relying on that money to make my house payment. Money is like non-existent for us right now since I haven't been working. It's not like I'm not there because I had nothing better to do. I've been dealing with you being gone and then I went back to work, mom got hurt, I was concerned about her and felt like I needed to be here. Was I just supposed to stay there, worry and be miserable? I thought she might need some help. After today, I think maybe staying home is what I should have done. We've apologized but my feelings are still hurt. I know, get over it. I will daddy. It's hard for me to stay mad at the ppl I love and it's not that I'm mad, my feelings were hurt. She said I had been "on her a**" and I don't feel I was. I think I was just in the line of fire cuz of her bad day. 
I took Snick to the vet today. Dr said he is still overweight. He was concerned about his fleas. We swapped out the drops for these pills called Comfortis. Its a chewable and it kills the fleas within 24 hrs and keeps working all month. Dr also said no more table food. Snick didn't like that. It's gonna be so hard not to give him any especially when he gives you the eyes and his cute little face. How can you say no to that! I just love him!! 
My birthday is in 4 days. Big whoop. Gonna go for now. Not in a good mood today. Have had a headache for two days now. Not sure why. Just want my head to quit hurting. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3 I miss you!

August 10, 2010

Hey papa. I felt your presence when I was there to see you today. You were over by the tree. I heard your voice as plain as day. Heard you say, "Hey kid! How you been?" Your baby girl ain't doing too well papa. Saw your big grin as you were standing there with your Mr. Bob stick and had your hat on. Snick got impatient and wanted to explore. I walked him around and we stopped in front of your grave and I was talking to you. A small voice inside of me said to go to the tree again and I heard you say, "I'm over here by the tree" Sorry I cried so much. I just miss you more than you can imagine. I'm having such a hard time grasping my reality. Coming to grips that you really are gone and I will never see you again on this side. Even after I write that sentence it just seems unreal.
It was so hot today. Your a/c is doing all it can to cool us off and it's still uncomfortable in here.
Mom went to talk to the lawyers today. They think they can do something for her. They said it's possible to have all of this settled by December 31st. Because that's insurance companies end of the fiscal year and any monies they have earmarked for settlements, if it's not paid out by the end of the year they have to carry it over and that's just a hassle for them. They said that it could take 6 months to a year and 1/2. Mom decided to go for it so she hired them. They told her to not talk to the insurance companies and all info given now has to come through them.  Mom goes in the morning for her venous doppler test. The dr wants to see if she has some kind of blockage that could be causing the swelling in her foot and ankle. He's concerned she could have or it could cause a blood clot which wouldn't be good. Daddy, I can't even begin to think how screwed up I would be with both of you gone. With you gone, life is hard enough. Life isn't life as I knew it anymore. It's just existing, being, doing. It's monotonous and not fun.
My birthday is in 5 days. Kind of thinking B-F-D cuz that's what my birthday has been for a lot of years. You and mom made my 36th bday pretty special I have to admit but it never fails when it's time for my birthday there is never any money to celebrate it. Not that I'd want a lot. But to be able to go to dinner some place nice and get presents and a cake and some flowers. Shaun tries but he always seems to get money from his mom, than I feel indebted to her and she's not one to just quietly be happy that she was able to help. She has to make it known that she was involved. I told Shaun I'd like to have an ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. Doubt it will happen though. I'd also like to go to Chili's or some place else maybe. Never mind. I'm dreaming anyway. Like I said, my birthday isn't a BFD.
Just another blah day. Gonna go to bed. Sorry for the whining about my birthday. Oh, wait! Mom's appointment with Dr. Siwek got cancelled and she's now going on Tuesday to see Dr. Do. So, that means I'm not going to be able to be here for mom's knee surgery. I really want to be but I have to get some things done. I don't even know when the surgery is going to be. I'm pretty sure there will be a surgery though cuz she's torn that cartilage in 1/2. Aunt Norma is going to come down and be here for mom. Mom is going to need someone for a few days helping her to the shower and bathroom. Dad- you have to keep an eye on her. Be here holding her hand and keep the blood circulating in her leg and not clotting. OK. I'm done now. Good night daddy. I love you (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 9, 2010

Hey papa. I bet Heaven has perfectly controlled weather. I mean, never too hot or cold. Today it was H-O-T!! We got someone to come look at the a/c. He put some freon in it. Its still not cool in here but it's bearable.
Mom had her appointment with Dr. Varner today. He said she has some cartlidge that needs to be repaired. Her ligaments are fine and no broken bones. He said if she had come to him to begin with she'd have been off her feet for a few days. He scheduled her an appointment with Dr. Siwek to see when he can/if he will fix it. I'm hoping if it needs to be fixed it will be next week. Shaun thinks it would be next week. I'm annoyed papa. You know I've had such a struggle figuring out what I was doing and all? I got things figured out in my head and now things are all messed up again. Mom talked to Aunt Norma and was telling her what was going on with her knee and my plan to fly home on Sunday and then drive back up. Aunt Norma asked why couldn't I just reschedule my flight and stay here and then fly home the 22nd instead. OK, yeah, it does make sense but Sunday is my birthday. I want to spend part of it with Shaun and Rob too. On Monday I was going to go to Krystal's and take that test and pass it, of course (i hope) and then find out when I would start and then drive back up on Tuesday and stay the rest of the week. Shaun agrees with Aunt Norma, says it would save wear and tear on the car and he wouldn't have to worry about me on the road alone. I'll know more for sure on Thursday. It would cost $75 to change my flight and I'm not sure I even can cuz it was a certificate and I don't know if there would still be a full time position if I was here another week. See now why I'm annoyed? The unknown ticks me off. The "i have to make a new decision now" ticks me off. I mean they are all valid points but I had things all figured out! I'm tired papa. Didn't get much sleep last night. I love you. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 8, 2010

Hey papa - OMG, It's HOT!! Me and mom ended up at the Super 8 cuz the a/c is out. It got up to 96 today, INSIDE your house! I made these cookie bars today. Wasn't the smartest idea being so hot in your house but they are sure tasty. You mighta liked them.
We went to church today. Did Sunday school and the song part of church then left. Mom's leg was hurting her. We are finding out at 3 tomorrow what's wrong. There has to be something cuz it's still swollen and hurting her. It's even a different color. Her toes keep changing colors too.
Tomorrow, mom will call someone to get the a/c fixed. I sure hope they can come tomorrow. If we have to be here tomorrow mom said that she'd see if Jennifer can watch Snick. Don't know much else today papa. I love you (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3

August 7, 2010

Hey papa. It was so hot today. It is so hot here in your house. The air conditioner is still out. Mom's friends came by and replaced the capacitor on the A/C unit but it's just blowing hot air. I guess they are going to come back tomorrow and put some freon in it. I think the duct work needs to be looked at. Just doesn't seem to be blowing. 
We went to Doris' mom's funeral today. It was a funeral. They played some songs that about made me cry. Jim DeWitt was the preacher. He preached. It was odd. I mean, it was a memorial service and he did a sermon. Just seemed odd to me. It was awkward and uncomfortable at some points. He wanted ppl to get up and say something about her and no one did. There weren't near as many ppl there as there was at yours. We just went to the funeral part and then went and got, you guessed it, iced tea at McDonald's. They hand the tea to mom and say this one is sweet and this one is unsweet and mom took a drink of hers, believing it was unsweet and she had the sweet one. She like near choked to death on it. She wasn't nearly as amused as I was, cuz I didn't know what she was choking about.
Mom's leg is still real swollen and its hurting her. Wish we knew what was wrong, we will find out soon. She let me order my birthday present tonight. I wish you were going to be here for my birthday. For the first time in a while I'm here for my birthday. Mom n me are gonna celebrate on Saturday. Not sure what we will do. Not sure what I want to do. By Monday a lot of the what am I gonna do with myself questions will be answered. Still thinking happy, positive thoughts.
Your grandson likes to stir the proverbial S-pot. He hears something, part of a story or whatever and then tells whoever he thinks needs to know and starts drama. I have no idea why he does it. I tell him to MHOB and he never does. I don't know much else tonight. I think I'm gonna go read a little while and then go to sleep. I'm sorry I didn't make it by today. Me and Snick lost track of time this morning and then it got so hot. I know, excuses, huh.. sorry. We will make it by, I promise. Gotta come and talk to you and see how the apartment is. Bet it's not near as nice as the place you got up there in Heaven. I love you papa. I miss you so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 6, 2010

Hey papa. I made it back to your house. My flight got delayed a little today. The plane had to get maintenance done so they had to find another plane for us. They found us one and we got on our way. I started to cry once we took off. We were up in the clouds. I was thinking about you and that you were up in the clouds with me. Almost looked like a blanket of snow. Flight was OK. A bit of turbulence but not too bad. Landed then me and mom got back in town after we had lunch. We were on our way home and we were almost to Quiktrip to get gas and this little b*t*h started to pull out and just about side swiped us. On mom's side.. she was letting me drive cuz her leg was hurting. Oh daddy. She woulda got hurt or worse and I might have too. The girl just looked and then went on her way. Wanted to go find her and beat her up! Shook us both up and momma was crying so hard.

She showed me her leg. Yep, looks like she did a doozy on it. Her toes are all purple and her leg has bruises on them in like circles around her leg. We will find out on Monday what the MRI shows and I will let you know.

I don't know a whole lot today. Just traveled today. I'm tired. I cut Snick's hair. He looks, uh, better than he did. He just looked so hot with all that hair on him. The air conditioner is messed up. The motor finally quit on it. One of mom's friends came by to drop off something and her husband knows something about A/C's and he has a motor so he ran to get it. See, I think that was you working. And God too. You saw mom needed help and talked to God and he sent her someone to fix her A/C. Thanks for that cuz it's really uncomfortable in here without it. He's gonna look at the duct work too. Not sure he will get to that today but said he would take a look.

I'm gonna come by to see you tomorrow. Yeah, I'll probably cry but that's what I do, remember? Someone was supposed to come by and fix that hole in your apartment. Did they make it by? Think that's all I have to tell you right now. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss.) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 5, 2010

Hey papa. Another Thursday. Another day of me thinking about you. 7 weeks today papa you went away. 7 weeks ago my world and heart broke into a zillion pieces. I wish I knew when this stopped hurting so much. I wish I knew when I'd stop crying about you being gone. Every day since June 17th I've cried. I know, enough tears already, huh? Just a thought of you or looking at your pictures, which I now have all over the house and on my computers as desktop backgrounds, or just wishing that I could talk to you about something, or even when mom calls to tell me something and I know how bad she wishes you were here so she could tell you makes me break down and cry. There are the days I've been busy and I get through the whole day and I haven't cried and then when I finally stop and am doing nothing and stop and think of you.. I cry. Crying's not a bad thing. It's a just what I do now thing.
I went to Krystal's today and talked to the manager. I think it may be good if it all works out. She said she could give me full time days and will help me work towards master cashier. When I had first talked to her, I was just gonna work part time but after all my soul searching and pondering and ya know, all that we talked about last night. I decided, with help and advice from the ppl who love me, to go for it. I filled out the application and there is this crazy test I have to take. Putting things I find important in order and there is a trick to it. How you rank them somehow shows them what kind of person you are. I wasn't able to take the test today but when I get back from Kansas I'm supposed to go see her again. She said once I pass the test I will be able to start. :) 
Mom had her test today. Thanks for being with her. She was nervous going in but she said it wasn't too bad. I think it's cuz you were there to hold her hand. We will find out on Monday what they found, if anything. They've got to find something cuz the way she described her leg, oy! We are thinking good thoughts though, right?  I've already told her that if she has to have surgery I'm going to be there. She also heard from Gene White. She has an appointment on Tuesday with him. She is hoping he has good news.  I'm gonna be there to go to both appointments with her. Let you know what happens. 
Rob's first day back was Ok I guess. He complained of course about every little thing but Rob wouldn't be Rob unless he was complaining about something. He has good classes so I hope he just enjoys them and applies himself and doesn't let all the high school drama and BS get to him. I keep telling him in 5 years none of what is happening in high school is gonna matter. He doesn't believe me but he will find out soon enough.
I probably better go. I still need to get my bag packed for my trip. I hope everything goes OK tomorrow. You know I hate to fly. Also hoping my flight doesn't get cancelled either direction.  Talk to God for me, k? I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 4, 2010

Hey Papa.. how was Heaven today? I bet spectacular! How big is your house? I know you always wanted a little place just big enough for you and mom down by a spot of water. You are probably catching the biggest fish in the pond now. Oh how I miss you. Tomorrow is Thursday papa. Thursdays are hard sucky days. Rob's first day of Jr year is tomorrow. He ended up getting the computer animation class. He is pretty excited. Says that it's what he wants to do for a living. That and graphic arts. Boy's gonna be in the money if he does.

Pondered some more of what I've been pondering. Think I've figured some things out. With the help of mom and friends and praying. I'm going to go to Krystal's and apply and see what happens. I asked mom what she thought and she thinks I'd do good there. I think I have a shot at least. I'm so not happy at Convergys and am ready for a change. Funny when you think about it, I'll be going full circle. Started in fast food years ago and did different things and am ready to go back to it. That's God working ain't it? I also applied at WalMart and Costco and mom thinks I wouldn't enjoy them. I don't know if I would or not, but I would enjoy the paycheck.   :)

Mom has her test in the morning. She is nervous. She's worried about what type of MRI it's going to be. I told her that God and you would be watching over her. I know you will be there with her daddy. Keeping her calm and reminding her she is OK. Wrap your arms around her papa and ease her fears. I wish I could be there tomorrow but I know that you got it covered. I will be there with her on Friday and on Monday when she has her appointment to see what they find out tomorrow. I told her that I will be there for her if she should have to have surgery until she is better. She was telling me about her leg tonight daddy. OMG, have you seen it? She said her toes are black and the bottom of her foot is black cuz the blood has pooled there. Oh papa. She said her knee is 4 inches bigger than the other cuz it's swollen and it's hot to the touch and that the back of her leg is a dark purple. Sounds to me like she done went and did a doozy on herself. I'll see what she needs and if she needs me to stay daddy, I will be there. 

It's gotten to be later than I expected. I had to run Shaun to get his yucky cigarettes and got pulled away from you for a few.. but I need to get to sleep. Wanna make Rob a nice breakfast for the first day of school. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

August 3, 2010

Hey papa. This is becoming a slow week. I don't seem to be getting anything accomplished being on this leave. I should be in Kansas with mom where I told my boss I was going to be. I will on Friday. Got my flight booked. Head out on Friday morning. I feel like if you were still here I'd be disappointing you. By all the crying and not being at work right now. I can hear you tell me to knock it off, that you aren't worth all the tears and trouble. Yes you are. I wish I could just find out what I need to do. What I should be doing with myself. Where I should be. I feel so lost now that you are gone. I feel like I'm driving Shaun crazy with all my indecisions and every day changing my mind and how I'm feeling. If I knew, I wouldn't be so annoying right now. I've applied for a job with Walmart and considering going to Krystal's tomorrow. I don't know dad. Just wish there was this blinking sign telling which direction to go, to lean towards. 
Mom and I didn't talk much today. I sent a few msgs to her. Told her about my flight. She told me that Gene has the info and is going over it and will get back to her in a few days and that pervert Tom got Life in Prison!!!! Ain't that kewl?! Guess the judge saw through all the lies and put Tom where he belongs. I bet Chris is very happy. Just wish it never had happened to that baby. Sick jerk! To think I used to hang out with him.. eeewwww!!  
Shaun is upset with me cuz I can't seem to make a decision and stick with it. Every day I'm telling him something different. Told him tonight if mom has to have surgery on her knee that I'm gonna be there for her. He got all haughty. Said he's sick of ifs.. that's all I got right now.. a bunch of if's.. Jeez.. it's mom.. I think he'd be a little more understanding. He's always been there when his mom went thru stuff. Why is it such a problem for me to be with my mom IF she should need me. Not saying she's going to have surgery but how else would they repair her knee? I'm tired.. its late.. better get to sleep. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 2, 2010

Hey Papa.. Today was a Monday. Crappy. Isn't it funny how Mondays got that stigma of being crappy and somehow always end up being such? Spent the day doing yard work. I wanted to go look for a job but I woke up later than I wanted to and then after I got up Shaun had all these things he wanted to do. He was gung ho on getting the yard done but somehow me and Rob were the ones who did most of it. He rode the mower around a little bit then stopped cuz he got too hot.  I worked on bills and dinner too. I applied for a job at Costco today. I hope I get it! They start at $11/hr up to $19/hr!! OMG papa! It would be amazing if I get it. They are opening October 29 so I'm not sure when the actual job would start. So this puts a wrench in things. I'm now stuck with the decision of do I stay at Convergys until then, if i get it? or do I move on to greener pastures because I'm unhappy there? The answer to that should be revealed in the next couple of weeks. When shift bids are complete. I'm still gonna check out the pastures though. I'm gonna text my TL that I have the number for and find out if she can tell me when shift bids will be complete and if she will let me know what I get. 

Mom has to have an MRI done on Thursday on her knee. Dr. Varner wants to make sure that nothing is broken or cracked cuz it's really swollen. They did an x-ray the other night when she went to the emergency room but apparently didn't see anything broken on it. I hope its an open MRI. You know how claustrophobic she is! I wish I could be there for her but I can't. Thursday is the first day of Junior yr for your grandson. It's a tradition that I take him the first day. He's all ready. He doesn't need any new clothes and only needed a backpack for school supplies cuz we have so many cuz we're stocked up from yrs back. But I'm gonna be with mom on Sunday if everything works out. I still wish I could clone myself. Leave the cloned me here and go to Kansas with the real me. I know, not possible but it would be so helpful in this situation. 

Went through the memory box I made and I cried. I'm using that sunflower box that you made for me. You worked so hard on it and wanted it to get just perfect and ended up having to mail it to me cuz you wanted to put one more coat of paint on it. I put some of the little things I found in it. Things I found at the accident, a keychain, some painted rocks you had on the table. Just some little things. I look at them and hold them, think of you and cry. I know, probably not healthy but I haven't been "healthy" for about 6 weeks now. I'm sad, moody, short tempered at times, cry a lot and wish that I could be where you are.  I'd never check out on Rob or mom but there are days that I think that.

Tomorrow I have to go down to the tag office and find out how much tags are gonna be for Shaun's new car. I wish I had known the outcome of my decision before I had put my leave request in. I could have gone to work on Friday and today. I know though that I need this time to get my head clear and find some peace with things. Didn't find much peace today. I was throwing things around in the garage and cussing like a sailor. I was mad about this stupid project we were working on and I've bought Shaun a zillion tools and none of them are anywhere they are supposed to be. His tool boxes are empty and tools are scattered here and there and you are lucky if you find what you need. It's SOOO aggravating! Don't know much else today. Gonna go watch the cats chase each other around my room and bathroom. They make me smile. Watching the little one, Sammy, chase our big cat, Jake, around.. its a sight!  I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

August 1, 2010

Hey papa. Sunday wasn't a fun day. Woke up too early for a Sunday after getting to bed again too late. I start my post about 11 and I'm up till after midnight working on it sometimes. When I start talking to you I don't wanna stop. Had a headache when I got up and my head and nose were stuffed. All day's been like that. Kechi jumped through the screen today! He was out on the rope and apparently didn't like being left out there and jumped through the screen. The one by the door. So I spent the next 30 minutes fixing it. We got a board to cover it after I replaced the screening. Thank you for teaching me how to do that. I was working on it and Shaun said, you do a damn good job babe. I said, thanx..my dad taught me how to do this. I always loved being your shadow when you'd work on something. I'm Ms. Fixit around here. Glad I know how but kind of annoys me sometimes. I think Shaun should know and not expect me to be the one who fixes everything around here. Sent him to Lowe's to find the board, while I was finishing the screening and he came back with nothing, then we went to Home Depot together and I walked right in and over to where they keep it and was there less than 5 minutes. Had told him to try HD but he doesn't like HD. 

We stopped by Judy's to drop off some water and it turned into a drama fest. She turned on the water works cuz Shaun got mad at her about her paying these ppl we know to do stuff for her and she pays us squat. She has done things for us, like give us the money to come to Kansas for you, but she's one of those ppl who do things for you and then holds it over your head that she did it for you. Shaun's back has been hurting and I've been useless myself the way I've been feeling and she asks for help but we don't jump as high and as fast as she wants so she gets these ppl to do cuz they are offered money. Tells us to do it when we get to it, well, don't tell us when we get to it if you want something done immediately. So irritating! She started spouting some BS about how she's been trying for 2 yrs to get the house the way Rob wants it so he can bring his friends over there to swim or hang out or whatever. Yeah, Whatever!!!

I don't know a whole lot today. I texted to mom for a few today. She was doing books. Said her leg is really swollen. I am worried about her papa. You are still giving her hugs aren't you?? I am hoping I've made the right decision by not moving up there. I know she wants me around but I'm not sure she needs me. Not that she needs me to do everything for her. That doesn't help her. She can do the stuff she needs done. I just think that's she my mom. I should be there but I also think that I need to be here for Rob and Shaun. Rob is almost grown and Shaun is and they can do things on their own for themselves but it's not the same as mom/wife doing it. Almost sounds like I'm trying to talk myself out of it, doesn't it? Maybe I am, maybe I need to convince myself that I may be wanted but I'm not needed there. There are days I feel like that no matter where I am. You know, you and I had that talk.
I'm going to go tomorrow and try to find a job. I don't even know where to begin looking but if I can find something else that I may enjoy more, I gotta give it a shot. What is wrong with me dad? Why can't I seem to find the job that is what I want for the rest of my life. Could be where I am, here in Georgia. Could be that I have no experience for the line of work I want to get in. Could be that no matter how I try to get the job, they just won't hire me and give me a chance. Yes please, Pity party, table for one. I sound pathetic. I miss you dad. Have I mentioned lately how much life sux?! Better get some sleep so I can go job hunt in the am. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3

July 31, 2010

Hey Papa. I am tired. I got to bed late last night and got up too early today. Stupid dog came in and jumped on my bed. Then today I was very busy. I helped Don finish moving his stuff. We have our house back, thank ya Jesus! But I helped him and the other ppl he had move his storage unit, stuff from Judy's and the stuff from here and then helped unload the truck and move it all into his apartment. He has an upstairs and let's just say my knees are SCREAMING! So is my lower back. I'm glad  you don't have any pains now. It always would make me worry so much about you when you were in pain cuz of your knees or hips or back. 

I have no game plan for my life right now dad and I should. Mom has always said that by 30 you should know what you want out of life and should have the job, and family and all that. Things just didn't all fall into place like that for me. I have the family, the house, but not the job. I always wished I had gone to school to learn something useful. I have things I'm interested in but I think it's too late to go to school plus I don't have the money to go to school. Still interested in maybe being a CNA but after you told me the flatulence tube story it really made me have 2nd thoughts. I need to find out what it is that I want to do. I've always wanted to check groceries or work at Wal-Mart but I can never get hired when I apply. So frustrating!! Always makes me so mad that they give 16, 17 year olds a chance but they can't give someone like me a chance. Mom said it was cuz I'm too smart. I don't think that's the case. WM gave Auntie a chance. I'm going to start looking for a new job on Monday. Look around and see what I can find. So tomorrow sometime I need to go to Judy's to get the classifieds. Cross your fingers. Nah, you can just pray, like you always did for me.

I put your pictures in those picture frames you gave me. Ones that you found in the trash. So I now have your picture all over my room. Rob put your hat, the one you had given him but then took back home when you came for his birthday, on top of the movie cabinet next to our Jesus statue. He said it deserved a place where it would be honored and not get damaged. Think that kid mighta loved you as much as you loved him. He always kept things in, probably didn't say I love you enough but I know that you two had a special bond. 

Talked to mom today. She cried. It made me sad cuz I know how bad she needs a hug and I wasn't there to give it to her. She's not sure what she wants and I have really thought things through and know that I can't live in Kansas unless all of us go and 2/3 of us don't wanna leave Georgia right now. I had to think long term and long term I need to be here with Shaun n Rob. I would love to be able to tell mom I've come and am staying forever but now is just not the time for all of us to be moving back. Mom and I just need to get a handle on things. We can handle this thing called life on a day to day basis without having to hold on to each others hands even though that's what we both want right now. We have to be adults. There is this song going through my head today, its not one you'd know. It's by Kelly Clarkson, My Life would Suck without you.. and pops... my life SUCKS without you here. Could almost guarantee that things suck for mom too. :( 

Guess I better go to bed. I'm wiped out and my knees are hurting so bad. I love you (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit!