August 16

Hey papa. Did you ever get to the just wanna give up point? I think I'm there. Just sick of everything. I think there was a meeting on how the world was gonna F up my life for a while and I missed the memo. Everything in my life keeps turning to crap daddy. Losing you was the beginning of it and then it's been downhill from there. Mom getting hurt and I can't be there, I was there for a few days but felt in the way.. then my birthday, that was a waste of every one's time apparently cuz well, you see how that turned out.. and here at home, have no reason to be here, except to be the cook and the maid. You know that nice rug I had in my kitchen, it's RUINED.. thanks to the stupid dogs!! They peed and pooped on it and we can't get the smell out.  And let's not forget about my wonderful job, I know I should just be thankful I have one right now but I just hate it. Just keep thinking how much better my world would be if I joined you. Just feel like I'm in every one's way here, hell, where ever I am. That I'm a hassle. Something to deal with. You know, just that fat chick that lives down the hall.

Today was another waste of a day. I went to Krystal's to try to take that test I have to take to see if I can get the job and their computer was down again. Almost starting to think that's God telling me that I don't need to be doing that job. I don't know. I think I can get somewhere in it, hope I can anyway. The managers are my age so I don't see why I can't be there too. If I'm not to be doing this job, then what am I to be doing. Did a whole lot of nothing else today. Took a nap and then made dinner. Chicken and rice. It was pretty good. Rob has fall pictures tomorrow. I helped him pick out what he was gonna wear and it turned into a yelling match. He wants to wear that K-9 t-shirt you found for him. He loves that shirt. But it's just not a shirt you wear to have your school picture taken in. He said he was gonna wear it in his senior pictures. No, he's not. :) I don't know whats going on with me, with my life, with how I've been feeling but I know I gotta pull myself outta this. When this all started I was worried about mom falling into this slump and here I am, the one in it. Mom seems to be doing OK. She seems strong. Maybe it's just the front she's put up so she doesn't fall apart. Losing you was a like a mirror getting shattered and the pieces going every where. I've lost some of the pieces and can't piece my mirror back together. I'm ready to join you daddy but I know that's not in Gods timing right now. Must not be cuz for my birthday I prayed I wouldn't wake up, that he would just take me in the night, that I was ready to go,  but I unfortunately woke up and my nightmare of a life continues. Lucky me. Blah.. even as I type this it annoys me how I'm feeling. I hate being around ppl who whine and bitch all the time and Ive become that person. I just wanna be happy again, to have my mind off of things and my head clear. I want you back, that would be a great place to start. I look at your pictures and keep thinking, this can't be true, you really aren't gone and I know I keep saying that but God, how I want that to be the case. I better go. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Miss you terribly. Talk to you in a little bit. <3