August 23

Hey papa. I have no fricking clue what is wrong with mom. You need to check on her. Seems like there is this tension there between us and seems like everything I say and do is wrong. She's been like this for a few weeks now. She was like this when I was there and is still like that. She told me before I left to text her anytime and so, like an idiot believing this was OK, I did. I sent her a message at 4something her time and waited then sent her another at 5something her time and she sends me back a message that said Some ppl have to work and don't have time to respond to messages. OK, I get that she's busy.. like I knew that 900 miles away?.. but really? She had to respond like that?! I know I have to and should be working too. Loved that dig. I know you'd hate to see things like this with me and mom. I have no idea what is up with her daddy. I don't know if it's her leg, work, the lawsuit, being alone, her taking on too much.. I don't know. I told her when I was there that we were on the same side but I guess she doesn't want me to be on her team right now. My feelings are just hurt again, no big, right? I should be getting used to it. I was telling Shaun I wish I knew how this 30 days was gonna turn out, I wouldn't have taken so much time off of work. I thought that mom was gonna need me, boy, was I wrong?! and then I thought, well, ok.. I'll use this time to clear my head and my head is more clouded than it was. I feel like I'm losing my mind some days. Shaun and I went for a drive today and all I kept thinking was ways we could have accidents where I got killed in them and he was OK. Yeah, still thinking I'd be better off gone. Apparently, I'm still playing games with that manager at Krystal's. She never responded to me all weekend and then Don told me to call her after 1030 this morning. I did and she said to come in on Friday to do the paperwork. Friday? Huh? She really has no time between today and then to do it? My patience is more than worn thin. Makes me wonder, if she treats me like she has before I've gotten the job, how on earth will she treat when I'm working there? I'm gonna use Tues-Thurs looking for something else. I really don't wanna have to go back to Convergys but it might just turn to that. I'm gonna confirm before I get all the paperwork done, if I find nothing this week, that she is gonna give me 40 hrs and work me on days like she had said when we first talked. Looking for a job completely sucks and plays havoc on your psyche.

I was telling Shaun how I hate being the age I am and have no idea what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life. I feel completely useless, I am completely useless. I look at the help wanted ads and I have to have this skill or that skill or this much education or that much. I have absolutely no direction for my life and that is so messed up! That's why, part of the reason, I think I'd just be better off gone. Who'd miss me anyhow? No one I can think of right off. OK. Maybe Robbie. Shaun might for a little while but that's about it. And they'd have money to get the debts all paid and money for Rob for college. Keep thinking of ways I can go that would be accidents. Saturday was the best day I've had in a long time, seeing my friend. Here we are on Monday and I'm right back to being as miserable as I was. Feeling like I'm the biggest waste of breath there is. I'm writing early today dad, didn't write yesterday cuz I didn't have much to say plus I thought I'd give you a day off. You're probably tired of hearing me whine too. I miss you dad. Could sure use one of your hugs today. Its hard for me to reach out to ppl to talk to when I try and get my hand smacked. I thought about finding someone neutral to talk to but figure I'd just be wasting my money and their time. I'm gonna be OK or die trying. I will let you have a good evening. Wrestling is on tonight. I'm sure you'll be watching it, enjoy. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3  

P.S. I was thinking of not writing you so much. I'm sure you are getting tired of trying to keep up and that you have things to do. I'll let you get to it. Go work on your walking sticks and hang out with mom a while. Maybe if you can get her to slow down long enough she will feel you there like me and Brian do. She needs something, though not sure what. OK then. Till I talk to you again. <3 u!