Hey papa. I felt your presence when I was there to see you today. You were over by the tree. I heard your voice as plain as day. Heard you say, "Hey kid! How you been?" Your baby girl ain't doing too well papa. Saw your big grin as you were standing there with your Mr. Bob stick and had your hat on. Snick got impatient and wanted to explore. I walked him around and we stopped in front of your grave and I was talking to you. A small voice inside of me said to go to the tree again and I heard you say, "I'm over here by the tree" Sorry I cried so much. I just miss you more than you can imagine. I'm having such a hard time grasping my reality. Coming to grips that you really are gone and I will never see you again on this side. Even after I write that sentence it just seems unreal.
It was so hot today. Your a/c is doing all it can to cool us off and it's still uncomfortable in here.
Mom went to talk to the lawyers today. They think they can do something for her. They said it's possible to have all of this settled by December 31st. Because that's insurance companies end of the fiscal year and any monies they have earmarked for settlements, if it's not paid out by the end of the year they have to carry it over and that's just a hassle for them. They said that it could take 6 months to a year and 1/2. Mom decided to go for it so she hired them. They told her to not talk to the insurance companies and all info given now has to come through them. Mom goes in the morning for her venous doppler test. The dr wants to see if she has some kind of blockage that could be causing the swelling in her foot and ankle. He's concerned she could have or it could cause a blood clot which wouldn't be good. Daddy, I can't even begin to think how screwed up I would be with both of you gone. With you gone, life is hard enough. Life isn't life as I knew it anymore. It's just existing, being, doing. It's monotonous and not fun.
My birthday is in 5 days. Kind of thinking B-F-D cuz that's what my birthday has been for a lot of years. You and mom made my 36th bday pretty special I have to admit but it never fails when it's time for my birthday there is never any money to celebrate it. Not that I'd want a lot. But to be able to go to dinner some place nice and get presents and a cake and some flowers. Shaun tries but he always seems to get money from his mom, than I feel indebted to her and she's not one to just quietly be happy that she was able to help. She has to make it known that she was involved. I told Shaun I'd like to have an ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. Doubt it will happen though. I'd also like to go to Chili's or some place else maybe. Never mind. I'm dreaming anyway. Like I said, my birthday isn't a BFD.
Just another blah day. Gonna go to bed. Sorry for the whining about my birthday. Oh, wait! Mom's appointment with Dr. Siwek got cancelled and she's now going on Tuesday to see Dr. Do. So, that means I'm not going to be able to be here for mom's knee surgery. I really want to be but I have to get some things done. I don't even know when the surgery is going to be. I'm pretty sure there will be a surgery though cuz she's torn that cartilage in 1/2. Aunt Norma is going to come down and be here for mom. Mom is going to need someone for a few days helping her to the shower and bathroom. Dad- you have to keep an eye on her. Be here holding her hand and keep the blood circulating in her leg and not clotting. OK. I'm done now. Good night daddy. I love you (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3
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