December 24

Bah Humbug daddy. How are you today? I have zero Christmas spirit. It's just another day this year. I know it's still the celebration of Jesus but don't feel like celebrating much. We've gotten Rob some gifts so he will have a nice Christmas, hopefully. But being an ungrateful teenager I'm sure we will fall short somehow. This week has been crappy. I've only gotten maybe 15 hrs this week. 15 dad! That won't even pay the bills. We had too many ppl there so lucky me got picked to go home cuz I was one of the first ones there both days. I thought I'd come home yesterday and try to do something festive but just didn't have it in me and also no money to go get the ingredients to make anything. Life is just generally sucky as of late. I've been crying a lot the last few days, thinking of you. I just keep thinking how unfair and not possible it is for you to be gone because you were just here.. and now, you are gone. Poof, gone. Not even a goodbye got to be said. I found this song on YouTube.  How I wish I could talk to you.

 There's this customer that comes in that reminds me of you. He has blue eyes like yours, a long beard like yours, his mannerisms, the way he talks. The other day he was in there and was talking to one of his friends about his hips hurting him and they want to do surgery but can't cuz if they put him to sleep he might not wake up..just makes me think of what mom was saying about that surgery you were supposed to have before this happened. I had to leave the lobby cuz the more he talked the more I thought of you and about started to cry and crying at work just isn't cool. Things around here haven't been that great. Shaun has been a royal PITA, ask mom, she can tell you what that stands for, lol. He's been riding Rob's butt about everything, has been a total grinch. He went shopping with his mom and she got me and Rob something and he just gives it to us. Doesn't wait until Christmas, doesn't try to make it a surprise or anything, just gives it to us. I'm not getting anything for Christmas anyway, huh, why? Because we don't have the money. We had to sell stuff just to get Rob's stuff. We sold some video games, books and movies. I told you about that, at McKay's, remember?  Anyway.. I'm just saying, I'm not getting much.. and to know what the gifts are.. what's the fun in that? Makes me not even wanna open them. She got me something else and he told me what it was. Storage bowls.. yeah.. whoopee.. like I needed more storage bowls. 

Have been having a time with Rob too. His attitude towards Shaun. OMG dad. If you heard how he's been talking to and about his dad.. let's just say, if we had done it when we were kids, we'd be toothless. He's been cussing him, calling him an A-hole. That's what he says..tells Shaun he's an A-hole. Shaun finally had enough of it and made Rob explain himself and Rob apologized. I know if you were here you'd be on the phone with your favorite grandson giving him a good talking to. Miss that you aren't here to do that anymore. He'd straighten right up when you'd talk to him. Just so sick of being their referree. Told Shaun that too. He's going to get his sister on Sunday. We're supposed to have snow tonight into tomorrow. I hate snow. Always have. Cold, yucky white stuff. Ppl around here have no clue how to drive in it. I worry about him going to get her cuz he has to go through Atlanta and they certainly don't know how to drive in it. They don't know how to drive down there anyway regardless of the weather. 

Judy invited me to come over for Christmas dinner tomorrow but I don't think I'm gonna go cuz I just don't feel like celebrating anything plus I have to work early on Sunday and I don't want to hear her incessant talking. Yammering on about not a thing. I have to listen to Donna constantly running her mouth at work everyday. I have a choice about it when I get home. I come home and do what I want and so I think I'm going to do what I want and stay home. Shaun told me yesterday that he knows that you wouldn't have wanted me to quit living my life cuz you left. I know you wouldn't have dad but I haven't and don't feel like doing anything. I haven't quilted or sewn or felt like doing anything for quite a while. 189 days in fact. Losing you, I lost a part of me. I don't know where or when I'll find it again but I haven't even felt like looking for it yet. 

Mom is doing ok. She misses you just awful. She baked a whole bunch of pies for Christmas gifts and made Chris a cinnamon chocolate cake, the lucky dog. I love that cake! Bet you were sitting in your chair soaking up all the good smells. Did you let her know you were there? She needs to know you are still there keeping her safe. Thank you for helping her figure out how to fix the furnace the other day. I was so worried about her not having heat. She told me the other day that Snick ran off when she got home from running errands with her. She was so mad at him. She said he's grounded now for a while. It would be not just heart breaking but crushing to lose him so soon after losing you. I know it's been 6 months since you had to go but still feels like yesterday. Guess I'll go. Merry Christmas daddy. Tell Jesus we said Happy Birthday. Eat a big piece of cake for me. I love you papa bear. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3