December 17

Hey papa. Today's mom's birthday. Wish you were here. Not just today but just here period. She took today off. Not sure what's she's doing but I'm sure she wishes you were with her doing it. Still doesn't seem real that you are gone. I got a card from Aunt Clara. She said she was so glad she got to see you last year. Can't believe a year has gone by and it's almost Christmas time again. I'm so not in a festive mood. Haven't decorated the house, haven't even got Rob's presents wrapped yet and Christmas is next Saturday. We got Rob a small tree for his room and he went out and got his stocking and he's gonna put some lights up in there. Yay, the holidays. Bah Humbug!! I'm not sure why exactly. I'm sure you being gone is part of it. I know that we didn't spend many Christmases together since we moved here but you guys being here last year for Christmas and Rob's birthday was amazingly awesome. When you left last year and got home and told me that it wouldn't happen again, you guys coming in the winter.. who knew, huh? I guess God did. Just wish he had given us some idea that our world was gonna crash to a ka-zillion pieces come summer. It's been 26 weeks, 183 days.  183 days ago I was flying to Kansas as fast as my car would get me there. I somehow always knew that my fear of not being there to say goodbye to you would happen. Who knew that God would take you from us in such a way where all of us were shaking our heads in disbelief. I think that we all are still in our own ways dealing with the disbelief and shock of you being gone. I've talked to Brian a few times and it's not like it used to be, he seems angry and also like he doesn't care anymore. I'm not crying as much as I was but I still do from time to time. I was just thinking a little while ago that next week when Rob opens gifts you will be spending Christmas with Jesus this year celebrating his birthday with THE man himself and in just a few weeks it will be your birthday. That's gonna be hard. How much I wish you were here to be with mom. Not sure what she would have gotten you this year for Christmas but I'm sure you woulda got some new overalls and shirts and you woulda gotten her something unexpected like you usually did. Money's tight so me and Shaun aren't getting each other anything, just got Rob some stuff, as it should be. I don't need nothing. Can't even think of anything I'd ask for if we had the money to spend. Just you. Having you back is all I would want for any gift. I'm not much for gift giving/getting days. Feelings always get hurt, generally mine. Ppl not liking what they got or me getting disappointed with what I got. I don't know much else. Work is going OK. Donna has actually been civil the last couple days. Don't know why. Not gonna jinx it though cuz she's really good at making my day miserable. We had ice the other night. I was worried about getting to work cuz of it but by the time I had to go it had melted. Yesterday at work I was sick. Woke up so dizzy, was nauseous and had spots in front of my eyes. (have you seen a doctor, no- just spots.. lol) hehe. . that's what mom would always say to me about my headaches. But I made it through the day barely. I left early cuz my head was swimming. I don't know why I was feeling so crappy. I came home and got things settled, dinner and such and then laid down for the rest of the night. Fell asleep real early so I woke up real early this morning. Hate that cuz it's my day off. Have done a whole lot of nothing today. Been in my jammies all day. Guess I'll let you get back to what you're doing. Stop by and give mom a birthday hug, she will love it. Heck, who knows--you might be there now filling the house with your warmth and have already wrapped your arms around her and given her a very special birthday. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3