December 10

Hey Papa. Been thinking about you a lot this week and crying. Wish I could get to the point where I could think about you and smile. Still too hard. I miss you so much. There's so many things I wanna tell you about, so many things that have been happening. Work is going ok. Still having a helluva time with Donna. I have no clue why she hates me so much, not that I really care, but it makes for a crappy day when no one is talking to me at work. Even the morning manager isn't talking to me. She just barks orders to me, things that I have already done or have on my list to get done. Like really, I know what needs to be done. It's not like I'm just standing there doing nothing. I'm constantly moving from when I walk in the door until I leave. Just so sick of it. I know I have to stick it out and not let them get to me but it's hard. Hearing dumb ol' Donna muttering her stupid snide remarks and having to pretend I don't hear them. Nope, I'm sorry I can't.. I'm not gonna pray for her. I'd only pray bad things would happen to her and I know that's not nice. Oh, I got my new shirts yesterday. They are definitely yellow. They are short sleeved and have Mindy sewn on them. So excited about them. I'm getting a red hat too but haven't gotten it yet. I'm excited but also thinking it will just add more fuel to Donna's fire about me. Wish she'd just shut up! Enough about all that. 

How have you been? Wish you could tell me. Mom went to a thing on Tuesday night that the funeral home put on. Remembering all those that have gone this year. How I wish you could come back from where you've gone. She got a coin she said. She hasn't looked at it yet. I don't think she's ready, which is fine. Getting your marker and the coin she got just seems to put some finality on our horrible summer. To think that you've been away 25 weeks, 176 days today, still seems like a dream. A horrible nightmare I wanna wake up from so badly. I still wanna get that call saying it was all a dream. That you are really not gone forever. That you are at home sitting in your chair with Snick and watching something on tv and trying to stay awake. I'm still trying to understand and really accept that you're gone. You are in my dreams some nights. We are doing things with mom or with the boys. Kinda weird but nice to see you in my dreams. Last night we were all having dinner together and having such a nice time. I didn't wanna wake up this morning because you go away. I don't like away. Away brings me back to reality and reality sucks. 

Rob has 3 days of school left until winter break. He'll be out until January 11th. He's exempt again from finals because of perfect attendance and he's got good grades in all of his classes. 3 A's and 1 B. I'm so proud of that kid. He went and talked to his guidance counselor a few weeks ago and told her about our money problems and the other day she sent home vouchers for us yesterday. I was shocked and mortified he talked to her. We got one for K-mart for $50 and it was to be used for school supplies or clothes and so we got him a new winter coat today. I felt like such a bad mom the other day cuz he asked me if we could go get him one and I had to tell him we didn't have the money. Then he got the voucher, it was a blessing. We got him a nice coat and some gloves and a hat. He is so funny. He cracks me up. Makes me feel good that he can really be himself around me. He tells me things he doesn't tell Shaun and is always cracking jokes or doing impressions. I enjoy the time we spend together. Gonna kill me when he is all grown and gone. Mama says to remember that we raise our children to be on their own but with him being my one and only the thought of him leaving and being on his own petrifies me. I still see him as the little guy who needs me to do things for him and protect him and now he's doing for himself and protects me. Doing my best to raise him right papa. I know you are proud of him too. Yes sir, he is still playing too many video games and watching too much tv. He'd tell you that he's a teenager and that's what they are supposed to do.

I don't know much else. Oh, the other night I wanted to call and talk to you so bad. You know when we cleaned out the shed for the preacher and took all that stuff to Rosalia for him and we found that humidifier in there we thought was new? Well, it wasn't new after all. I finally got it out the other day cuz I've been sick this week and when I took it out there were no instructions to it and there were paper towels inside the water tank. It works fine. I'm using it now. Our house has been so dry my nose itches and I can't breathe. I have this huge sore on my lip that I'm not sure if it's a cold sore or a reaction to something I ate. I'm using some stuff on it but it's not going away. I spent Tuesday in bed cuz I didn't feel good, plus cuz I could.. hehe. Also spent most of today doing the same. Wish I could find my motivation again to do stuff.. read, sew, work on my school stuff, exercise,  just enjoy things again. I've decided I'm not sending out Christmas cards this year either. Not going to decorate the house either. Besides Christmas is in 2 weeks. If I get the stuff out I'd just have to put it back in 2 weeks so yep, gonna let it slide this year. Think ppl would understand. Just don't have it in me. Just feel like I've accomplished something if I made it through the day not hurting anyone. I'll find my motivation again, eventually.  The other day we took some old movies and books and games to McKay's to sell it to get Rob some Christmas. McKay's is this place in Chattanooga that buys and sells movies, games and books. The place is huge! 2 stories. The top floor is music - old records and cd's. The bottom part is the video games and books. They gave us 128 bux in credit so we were able to get Rob some of the things he was asking for. I almost thought Rob wouldn't have a Christmas but Shaun and I put on our thinking caps to come up with some way to get the money to get him stuff and it panned out. Look at me, just keep blabbing like I have you on the phone. Remember all the times we'd talk on the phone, well, I'd talk and talk and tell you every little thing and you would just so patiently be at the other end of the line listening or doing a fine job pretending you were? Mom would always tell me that before you retired when we'd call you'd automatically hand her the phone cuz you didn't think we wanted to talk to you. I loved our phone calls. I miss them terribly. I miss you. Guess I'll go, I've talked your ear near clean off. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3