January 24

Hey papa. This is mom's last week in El Dorado. Mom is getting ready to retire and move this week. Auntie Norma and Patty are there to help her get the last of her stuff she's taking in the car and Auntie's van. Hard to believe she's really leaving El Dorado. I mean who thought she would, ever. I hope you two had a nice talk when she came to the apartment the other day. That's gotta be chilling to know that that was the last time she'd see that side of it until she's laying next to you. I mean, not in a morbid way.. but to just know you're not planning on going back until it's time to rest. Joe says that it's not really you laying there anyway. That your body is just the shell of who you are. Once you're gone, you're gone. Your shell remains. Makes it sound like you're a turtle or something but I kinda get what he's saying but still. Just sounds kinda cold and impersonal. It's you. But I also know dad that you aren't there. You are with Jesus. And I know that you are with all of us, in our hearts, walking with us in spirit. I still feel you, still see you. I know you are watching us and I know that you are with us. The other day we were some place and this older black gentleman came in and was wearing big smith overalls, a plaid shirt, a ball cap and those slip on shoes like you used to wear. Made me smile, and a little sad. Sometimes it makes me feel like it's you, in another person letting my heart catch a glimpse of you one more time.  Today me and Joe went to eat and this old couple walked in and the guy was wearing a cowboy hat like you had. The brown leather one. Just like it too daddy. It stopped me cold. I just stared at him, at that hat for the longest time. Joe asked me why I was staring at him. I told him. I don't think he quite gets the magnitude of what losing you meant to me. How it still affects me even though we're going on year 3. I don't think the pain of you being gone is ever gonna leave me, the ache of not being able to call you when I want to or need to.  Our weekly phone calls. To not be able to plan and be excited that you and mom are coming to see me. But time has at least covered the wound of losing you. As I'm sure as more time goes by it will be easier but not there yet. You'd have been proud of me, last night I went to get Rob to have dinner and next to a trash bin was an old ladder. Scooped that up for shizzle papa!! Rob said, that's like grandpa used to do mom. Yes son, it is. But I know you woulda gone through the trash can too. There was a decent chair there but didn't grab it, I shoulda though. In a couple of weeks I'm going to go to Illinois to see mom and get my old bed back. I'm excited for both of those even though it will be a very short trip. Also elated that I get to bring Snickee back with me. Oh daddy... He is THE best dog (furry little boy) EVER!!! I live right down the street from the park and I'm gonna be taking him and me for walks. Last time I saw him he had put on some pounds, as have I. I am so very, very excited to see him, get him, have him around for ever how long mom needs me to have him. I've always loved Snickee. I guess he is with Jennifer the rest of the week so mom can get stuff loaded and he doesn't freak too much and possibly run off. She said she'd get him Saturday before she leaves town but I hope she gets him Friday night instead. Give him one more night in his house. One last night, although he won't realize at first it's his last night there.
Don't know much else. We got our next month's rent down to 185, way kewl, huh?? Joe figures next month with the work he has to do March will be free. That'd be sweet!!! Guess I'll go. I love you dad! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.