September 7

Hey papa.. How are you? Been a few days since we talked. Been busy with the new job. I'm liking it OK. My legs and feet have been so tired when I get off. I have to run the whole front by myself. Keeping things stocked, the lobby clean and the customers taken care of. It can get quite frustrating, especially when we're busy. We are short handed on the weekends and that makes it even worse. Today is payday there but I didn't get paid. Don't know why. I don't know how their pay periods run. Gonna have to figure that out cuz I needs me some money. Plus got bills to pay. There are days I really hate being an adult.  

Sorry there's been a few days between writing. I thought you were getting tired of my bugging you every day and I was running out of things to say. I'm starting to feel a little better. Not about losing you but that life must go on even though it feels at times that I just wish it wouldn't. Life as I knew it and know it has ended. There are so many days that I wish I could just pick up the phone and call you. Get caught up on what you've been doing since you left. How wonderful Heaven is. How big your new place is and about all the friends and family you've gotten to see again. How much fishing you've gotten to do and how many walking sticks you have gotten made. You know what I've been doing. Dying inside and trying to keep keeping on. It's about all I can do. Just survive.

I talked to that lady, Susan, again today. I shared the video I made for you with her and showed her the screen saver I put together too. She wants to use the video for some of her support groups. She said it was beautiful and shows how much I love you. That how powerful it is that a song can take you there, with that person. Every time I watch it, I cry. We talked about you and also about Rob and his Asperger's and Shaun and his bipolar and mom. How it's been hurting me to see her become distant. She says she's OK, that she's doing pretty good. Friday was the first night we've really talked since I was there last. I know that we all have to walk through this darkness by ourselves, this darkness of losing you, that we all handle it differently. I just worry she's gonna get lost in it. That she won't see the light from my lamp, Brian's or Richard's or even one of your friends to lead her out of it. I keep telling her I'm there for her and I'm sure she knows that. I'm still crying every day. It's like I have to, like the day isn't complete unless I have. Weird and silly I know but still when I see you picture or have a thought of you or when I've had a bad day and just wanna call you and can't, it all makes me cry. We talked about the boys too. How Brian and I are close and me and Richard aren't. How when we were kids how it was opposite. I was telling her how Richard can be when he gets mad and stops talking to us. How that makes it hard to trust him with my heart and with anything I may want to tell him. She asked if I had support besides her. I was telling her how I can talk to Bubby and mom and my friends. She said it's good to have ppl to talk to, to vent to, to trust with your emotions. I guess I have that. She asked me if I was lonely. I don't think I'm lonely. I think I'm sad, that I'm still dealing with this massive loss. I think that I'm past the darkest of the darkness but still wading through it. Think I'm going to go see what's doing. I miss you so so much. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.