February 19

Hey Papa...

I remember where I was 8 months ago today. It was the day we laid you to rest. I was dressed in my black slacks and my black and white flowered shirt. I was sitting there in the cemetery not believing the reality taking place in front of me and screaming inside how much I just wanted to crawl inside that casket with you and be with you. Hearing the music I helped pick out. I Saw the Light, Go Rest High on that Mountain, Just Beyond the Moon, Walked on Water, Daddy's Hands, and Amazing Grace with the bagpipes. We picked a lot of songs, huh?  I kept thinking how much I wanted to be able to will you back to life with a kiss on your forehead or just touching your shoulder and have you back here with us where you belong. I was thinking about all the things I left in your casket for you for your trip to Heaven, your walking stick and the crackers, mints and Pepsi. Brian putting the two knives in your pockets for you and me leaving your Father's day cards in there with you so you'd have something to read. The last Father's day cards I will ever buy for you. I was thinking how much I somehow knew when you left me that May morning that it could be the last time I hugged you and got to spend time with you. I hated having to be right. I thought that every time we spent time together it was going to be the last time, it just unfortunately came true. God how I miss you papa. How much I still need you, how much we all still need you.  Maybe not everyone who was there that day to lay you to rest remembers what today is but the important ppl do.. the ppl who loved you the best do. I've been thinking, you've had 8 months of resting.. can you come home now? How I wish you could. Did you see me and mama today? Did you see the pretty tulips we left for you? Mom said you liked tulips. I didn't know that. Tulips have always been one of my favorite flowers. They mean to me that Spring is on the way. Spring is one of my favorite seasons. Everything is coming back to life after being dormant all winter. The flowers and trees and the birds all come out.
I don't really know that much. I'm still thinking about what I want to do for a 2nd part time job. Just looking forward to getting back in the saddle at the bus barn and see if I still got it. I'm sure I do, it's like riding a bike. Hoping Becky can keep me busy enough that I don't have to have the 2nd job right away. I know that I'm tired of sitting around. I don't sit well, I never have. 

I talked to Shaun last night. He said he thinks I'll be here until the summer after Rob graduates. WHAT?!! Dad, that's forever. I better find something to pass the time and figure out how to get those bills paid so I can go home. It's not that I don't like being here with mom cuz I do. I just don't think I belong here. I think I should be there with Shaun and Rob, especially for Rob. I really have to do some soul searching and figure out what it is I want. I know the winters are better in Georgia.. for the most part. This winter was an actual winter. First real winter we had since we moved there. I don't know what I really NEED to go back to Georgia for besides Shaun and Rob. I'm hoping Rob will come be with me after he finishes school but I don't know. I don't have a house or job to go back for. It would be like starting over all over again. I hate start overs. That what I feel like what I'm doing now, starting over. Not a regroup. Don't feel a lot of regrouping happening. Shaun said he doesn't want to come back to Kansas cuz there is nothing for us here and he doesn't want to deal with the Wichita VA. I guess I can agree with that. The only good thing here for me is mom. And I have to let her do what she Wants to do when she retires. I don't want her to stay in Kansas for me if she feels like moving to Illinois to be closer to Auntie. There's really no reason for her to move to Georgia now since we lost the house. So, tell me daddy, what do me and mom do with ourselves? Like I said, I have a lot of soul searching and figuring out to do. I think if I told Shaun I was staying, not that I've decided to by any means, but if I did.. that he would come here, for me. I kinda like to think he would anyway. Would cost a lot to move our stuff here though cuz I don't want to lose our stuff but you are right, it's just stuff. I don't know papa. 

I'm just writing today cuz felt the need to talk to you. I miss you so much, so much. Still find it hard to believe it's been 8 months since you left us and we laid you to rest. I hope you are resting peacefully and that Heaven is as wonderful as I can only imagine it is. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3