August 18

Hey papa. This is the 2nd time I've written here this year. No, I haven't forgotten you. Never ever could. Just been living life. Since my last entry things are going OK. Dena moved to Nashville so Joe doesn't have a drinking buddy anymore, thank God. He isn't lying to me, that I can tell. And he and I are doing well. I'm so happy daddy. Happier than I thought was ever even possible. Joe takes very good care of your baby girl.

I had my 45th birthday Tuesday. We didn't do much. I got a manicure. The first one I've ever had. It was OK. A little odd having someone else do my nails but they are pretty. I got them painted a lavender. I gotta go back to them to get it removed in a few weeks. I'll have to see about budgeting in manicure money. Then we went and ate breakfast at 2pm. Is there ever a bad time for breakfast? I think not as well. Came home, got a few movies from Redbox and then we went to Bud's and had a couple drinks. Left when we should of so we weren't driving drunk. Promised mom we wouldn't. Came back home and then got a bit toasted, but we were safely at home. Watched our movies. Didn't have a birthday cake or get flowers or even a present. But just time with Joe was enough. I love spending time with him. Every minute I get with him. Who knew it was possible to truly enjoy your spouse's company.

I was thinking about life before and that's what it almost was like, another life. We just existed. I wasted so much time with someone who, I believe, just wanted someone to take care of him. He didn't love me, hell, I sometimes doubt he even liked me. I loved being Rob's mom. Raising him and watching him grow up. He's turned into a great young man. I'm still his mom but it makes me a bit sad though cuz I don't know my adult son. We've talked, we message each other, call, but I've spent one week with my adult son and that week was so busy I barely got time with him. I know S would say that's my fault but there was a lot going on that week.  Joe's daughter was here and it was just a bad week. I don't know when I'll get to see him again. He keeps asking me to come to Utah but I can't afford to go and can't afford the time off work. He's working at the local college as a janitor. He's been there about 4 years. That makes me proud that he's held the job that long. He likes it. He works about 25-30 hrs a week. S thinks he should work more hours or get a 2nd job. Rob is happy with what's he doing. I think you'd be proud of him too. I do wish he'd take some college classes. His stepbrother is trying to convince him to so he can do IT. Rob is super smart and could do it and he'd make bank.

I've been on vacation this week. It was a staycation. All I could afford. Joe couldn't get time off work and no money to go anywhere. Kinda waste of a week but I got paid so not a total waste. I go back tomorrow. I've done a whole lot of nothing. Started a lap quilt. It shouldn't take too long, hopefully. And I worked on my crocheting. Mom taught me and I'm so glad she did. It's actually kinda fun. Mom has been here more this year than in past years and I'm so happy having her. She's not working at the laundry mat with auntie anymore and that's a good thing. Karen should be there running her business and puts it all on auntie and poor auntie looks exhausted.  In July, mom went to Topeka to see Uncle Denny and she fell when she got to her hotel and broke her kneecap. The hotel isn't doing much for her. I think they are paying her doctor bills but they act like it's her fault she fell on their broken sidewalk. I was so mad when I talked to the desk clerk girl. She talked to a lawyer and he told her if she got the bills paid she'd be doing good.

I think we've all grown since losing you. You'd be so proud of mom and all she's accomplished. She's gotten back into doing taxes. She stopped for a little bit. She's working at H&R Block. She's taken lots of tests and gotten certified and so that means she'll make more money this season. Bubby is driving for Seward out of Nebraska. He's been there a while. He takes mom with him sometimes. That makes me happy for both of them. Busy making memories. I don't know much about Richard. Sadly, he and I don't talk. We haven't really talked since we lost you and you know how much we talked when you were still here. I've tried more than once to bury the hatchet, this hatchet that I don't even know why it needs buried. He tells mom its not him, its me. But it's so not me. Life is too short to be a pompous ass but that's on him I guess. I'm still at Walmart and I really like it. Most days. It's so high school on the front end but I do my best to stay out of the drama. I don't agree with a lot of it but I'm just a peon and my opinion means nothing.

I guess I've got you caught up. I'm sorry I haven't posted as much as I did. I haven't forgotten you and why I started this blog. It did help me heal in ways and Joe helped me heal too. I needed this connection with you still and when I get into an entry its almost like I am talking to you. I miss you so much. I can't believe you've been gone 7 years. I think about you all the time. I think what would you think about all the craziness going on in the world today. There have been so many terrorists attacks, ignorant people and uprisings about things that shouldn't be happening. I think you'd say, You better get right, before you get left. I guess I'll go. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) I'll talk to you in a little bit.