February 15

Hey Papa.. I made it here to your house, yet again. Seems like when anything goes bad lately I run for the hills. But this time I was sent as you know by Shaun. The trip Saturday was OK. Long but it was OK. Traveling with Jake and Freddy was so fun. HAHAHA. Jake cussed and growled the whole way. Poor little Freddy got smacked around just cuz he was in the way. I made pretty good time, not the record breaking times I've made before but still pretty good. Left Georgia at 6am and got here at 8pm. OK, so now I'm here. So now what papa? What the heck is your baby girl gonna do now? Still feel like Shaun gave up..on us, on our dreams-owning the house. Just seems like what's important to me became 2nd fiddle to him somehow. That what I want doesn't matter. I was telling him yesterday that this being apart is going to kill me and he said, I think this time apart is going to be a good thing. I just want to smack him in his face. Not that it would help our money problems but it would make me feel a little better, perhaps.
I need to find a job or two. Ugh. Two jobs. I barely had the energy to work the one job I had back home. But I guess if I'm to get the credit cards paid off I have to work my butt off. Mom is so right and so are several other ppl. I didn't run this debt up myself so why the heck do I have to work to pay it off by myself?? Why am I in this alone? I'm sure if I asked Shaun that he would say we were in this together but again, sure doesn't feel that way.     
So, now I guess I get started on me. Where the heck do I start on finding myself again? I lost a big part of me when we lost you. I was thinking the other day that you've been gone almost 8 months. 8 months papa.. it doesn't even seem possible. I wake up everyday and go through the motions of life. Bathing, dressing, going to work, paying the bills, doing what needs to be done but where am I? My sister in law asked me if I was happy. No daddy, I'm not. I haven't been for a long time. 8 months at least. I don't even remember right now how to be happy. What is happy? I've had moments of smiling but being happy. I don't know. Like mom says she does, I'm putting on a strong front. Fake it till you make it.. I've heard that too. I think the only thing that would make me happy right now would be a phone call from you or one of your big hugs. You always gave the best hugs. You always had the best advice when I was down like this. When I was packing I found that box you made me and inside I found a note you had written me. Reading it made me feel like for just a second, you were here. How I wish you were.
I made some changes to your room. I hope that's OK. As I was working on it, I could just hear you telling me to do what I needed to to make myself comfortable. You were always like that. I'm not sure you would have so freely given up as much space but I'm sure we would have come to some understanding as me and mom have. I'm really hoping that being here and staying here with mom is going to be good. I just don't want to feel like I'm in her way or keeping her from doing the things she wants to do, like retire or go places. Like she has to drag me along cuz I'm here. I think once I find a job I will be busy and won't feel like such a problem to her. I know she'd say it's not a problem for me to be here, just feel like it right now. Like I don't belong here but right now papa.. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I just wanna run and get Rob and go some place and be with my son. I feel like a bad mom in a way for leaving him there. I know I asked him to come but I still feel like I left him.. didn't fight hard enough to get him to come. I just keep thinking that he's 17 and old enough to make a decision as to where he wants to finish his high school years. He is almost done with his junior year of high school. Then will be his all important senior year and he's in a good school, with good teachers and he has friends there. He didn't have but one here. He said that he didn't want to come back cuz he was so picked on in grade school he didnt want to deal with that again. He still has some issues with a few of the boys in his school now but he knows how to handle it better I guess. I don't know, what's done is done. Mom said come summer we need to make it so enticing for him that he won't want to leave.. I sorta agree, cuz I want him here with me but I also think he has to make the decision on his own and not worry if it's going to make me sad if he chooses to go back to Georgia. He'll come back to me, I know he will. It's about time to let that little bird of mine fly and as much as I want to clip him wings so he can't I know that I have to start to let go. I just remember what you told me, That even the eagle has to land some time. Right now we are working on getting his wings strong enough to fly and my wings are a bit injured and flying is not happening right now. So, I'm grateful that mom let me come back to the nest and I will rest my wings and get strong again so I can soar high once again. Just where do I start? I better get my day started. I'm supposed to go meet Becky, my old boss, and see what she has in mind for me. Hoping its enough to work on the stupid debt so I don't have to have a second job but if it's not praying God will lead me to where I'm supposed to be. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3