February 10

Hey papa. Its been a while.. sorry I haven't been here but you know I've still been talking to you. So much has happened since I last sat down and took the time to write you. God how I miss you and need you right now. My life is falling apart. Feels that way anyhow. The weather has been nasty. You've had snow and lots of it back home. You probably would be glad you missed this winter. Its been one of the snowiest in a long time. Mama went a few days without heat cuz something messed up on the furnace but she was able to fix it. Work for me has been going good. Tuesday was my last day though. This is what has been going on.. we are giving up the house. Walking away from it. This is your son-in-law's idea. He thinks we are having money problems. We are, but not epic split up the family go in our own direction problems but he seems to think they are that bad. They are more the we don't have much money to speak of after bills are paid so we have to eegads budget kind of problem. You know, life. Anyway--So, his idea is for us to go our separate ways for a while and "regroup". I'm coming home and am gonna stay with mom and work and pay down the credit cards. They have somehow became my responsibility, even though we both were the ones who ran them up. I don't completely understand either papa but you gotta remember this is coming from Shaun. I'm gonna share your room with Snick and mom is letting me bring my cats. No sir.. not all of them. Just 2 of them. A friend took the others and found them new homes. Yes, Snick is going to be beside himself cuz it's his house I know but he likes me so I think I can convince him this is gonna be OK. 

I just can't believe this is my life daddy. I shouldn't be the age I am and moving back home and have nothing to show for the life I've lived. I feel like such a failure. I feel like Shaun has given up on us, on me. I feel so unimportant to him and like he'll be happier I'm gone. He and Rob are gonna stay here with Judy. When he came up with this plan I wasn't even part of it staying at his mom's. Nice, huh? When we went to talk to her about them staying there she said I could fend for myself. SO fine. I can play just as hard ball as he can. He says this isn't a break up but it sure feels like one. I asked Rob to come with me and he said he wanted to stay to finish school. He has friends here and is in a good school. There is a girl he likes, her name is Katie. He calls her Kat. Shaun got me some roses for Valentine's Day and I can't travel with roses so I gave them to Rob. He's going to give them to Katie tomorrow at school. OMG. Interested in seeing how that pans out. Told him to tread lightly cuz she has a boyfriend already. But she likes him. He walks her to the bus every night after school and they talk. I'm so happy for him. Just hope she doesn't break his heart. It kills me to leave him here. He and I have been together since conception. He's the air that I breathe. I am going to miss him terribly. Right now, I sorta wanna get away from Shaun and I sorta don't. I'm hurt that I don't feel like I mean anything to him and that he thinks it's best for us to separate for God knows how long. To pay off the debt we have, its going to take a while. But I also don't wanna leave cuz he's my husband. Its hard to explain but I'm sure you know what I mean. I love him but I just don't get why this is the best thing. I feel like I've been bad and am getting sent to sit in the corner till I figure out what I did. I feel like I'm being punished. 

The ppl at work all say they are going to miss me. I am going to miss them and my job. I liked my job. I liked my customers. I got about $45 in tips in 3 days cuz they knew I was leaving. A few of the regulars told me the place wouldn't be the same without me there. That I am a very special lady and they wish me the best. Today I went in and was talking to Sparky and Bill and Dennis. Sparky and Bill said Shaun was a fool for letting me go. That he apparently doesn't realize what a good woman I am if he's gonna let me leave. Hell, he's not letting me leave daddy.. I have no other choice. We discussed all the options and all the things we could do, bankruptcy, debt consolidation, renting a smaller house, him getting a job.. you name it, we probably thought it over. Every idea I came up with he shot down. He's convinced this is the best thing to do. So, heck..lets play. Today I told him that its just gonna kill me to say goodbye to him and Rob and to drive away from here. He said, well then.. I guess you have a goal ahead of you.. to get things taken care of so we can be a family again. What?!! Like this is somehow my job and I alone have to work to get us back together. I was talking to Susan last week and told her what was going to happen and she said that Shaun doesn't deserve me. I don't know. I ask myself why we got back together but I know God had His hand in it. So, if we're meant to be back together why now are we going our separate ways? We got a storage unit and its my job to pay for it too but we got all of our stuff to it last night. There is quite a bit we're going to leave but you'd be proud of me cuz I gave quite a bit to ppl I know could use the stuff. Today I cleaned out my pantry and took all the food to work for the girls and when I told one of them what I had in the car she said, hold on and went and got Charlotte, one of the managers. I told Ms Char what I had and she said Oh my gosh, how did you know I needed groceries? I ended up giving it all to her. Should keep her fed for a while. That made me feel kinda good knowing I helped her out like that. She sent me a message later that said thank you and she could use all of it and that she misses me already.

Anyway, Im going to try to pay a year on the car insurance so I don't have to worry about it each month then I will have like less than 200 in bills.. not counting what I have to pay for credit cards. Have to find a job or two first before I can start working on them. Mom is going to take me to credit counseling ppl you guys went to, to help me get things manageable. Mom gave me permission to girly up your bathroom. I hope that is OK and I'm going to make your room a little more girly too. Not too much, cuz Snick won't stand for too much girlifying.. lol...just enough to make it comfortable for me. I'm going back to the bus barn I think, maybe just part time.. so I will probably have to have a 2nd job. I hate the thought of having to work at night but I just might have to. I like working days. I'm a morning person. Always have been. 
Its gonna be so different not seeing Rob and Shaun every day. Shaun wants to stay here for his mom and cuz he doesn't want to move back to Kansas. But now he's got more reason to stay cuz of Rob. I told him Rob had best remain his 1st priority and making sure Rob has what he needs is of the utmost importance. I mean like help with whatever and keeping him safe. Oh daddy. My life has gone to pot since you left. Seems like the rock starting rolling down the hill when we lost you and gained momentum as it made its way to the bottom running over any dream I may have ever had for this house and for my life and family. I could sure use one of your hugs and your sage advice right now. I've cried so many tears the last few weeks thinking about leaving here. I will drive away from here for the last time on Saturday morning. I was going to leave tomorrow but Rob has a school dance and he wants me to stay so he can tell me about it afterwards. He came by today after school. We spent the evening together. He helped me get the last of our stuff together and all the trash out. We did his homework and had some quality snuggle time. To know that was the last time we'll snuggle made and makes me cry. He is such a sweet sweet boy. All I can do is pray that he will stay on the right path and continue doing well in school and graduate. I'm sure there is more I could tell you but I will leave it there tonight. I miss you papa. Your baby girl isn't doing very well, your baby girl needs her daddy to wrap his arms around her and tell her everything is going to be OK cuz I sure don't feel like it is going to be right now. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3