October 7

Hey papa. 112 days today since you've been gone. 16 weeks. 16 weeks!!!!! Where did the time go? How have 4 months gone by already?! I miss you so much! So very much!! Yes sir, still crying every day. 112 days. If someone had told me that you could cry every day I'd tell them they were crazy but it's true, you can and I have. Some days its just a few tears, others it's a flood. I just wanna talk to you, see you, hug you, hear how your day is going. I know mama misses you lots more then me. I was thinking about how, as a family, we've kinda gone our own ways and we're dealing with things in our own ways. I haven't talked to Richard at all since August and barely even then. I think he only talked to me cuz he knew that's what mom wanted. Me and Brian have only talked twice since August but me and mama talk  every day, if you call texting her good morning talking. I think losing you has affected us all in different ways and not for the better. I'm able to function and get through my day but once I'm home and alone, I cry. I think about you and cry. I think about mama, her being alone, and cry. You guys were perfect for each other. The perfect complement to the other. I knew that losing you would be hard but I never imagined it would be this hard.  A part of me died when you did. I have a much bigger I Don't Care way of thinking. My tolerance for BS has gotten shorter. About everything annoys me these days. I don't know if that is cuz of losing you or if I've just gotten to that point in my life. I think we all get there. Sometimes things happen that just get you there sooner.

Anyhoo.. enough of that for now. Tuesday was Makayla's 4th birthday. Mom went to her birthday dinner last night. She said it was OK. Makayla is getting so big. She looks like Richard, I think. She's so cute. Brian is interested in a lady from Australia and says he's also talking to one from Canada. Seriously, there are women in the USA that he could "date".. he says that American women aren't bright enough for him. That's kinda calling the kettle black, wouldn't you say papa? Mom has been keeping busy with books and school. She told me that Snick is now using your room as his. She took him in there the other night and told him good night and he slept in there all night and she finally got a decent night's sleep. I think he's been acting the way he has cuz he misses you. I think he is still grieving for you. He probably doesn't completely understand still why you went away. I was there with him for a month or so and then I went away. He is probably wondering if mom is going to leave him too. Poor Snickers. :( He's such a good dog. I still remember when you and mom called me and told me you got him. I've been going to my group on Monday nights. I don't know that it's really helping yet cuz we had to tell our stories again cuz that group leader was gone and we got a different leader and we also got a new person. One of the ladies had diarrhea of the mouth and did about all the talking. It was kinda annoying. I get that she is lonely and all but she just kept talking and talking. The new lady's son died of an accidental overdose. He was 27. I couldn't begin to think how much it would hurt to lose your child, even your grown children. Rob is my heart, the air I breathe. Oh daddy.. he wore his tail to school today. They are having homecoming this week at school and today was dress for favorite holiday. So he dressed up in one of his Halloween t-shirts and his tail. They actually let him keep it on all day too. He's doing OK in his classes except math. Having a hard time with it. Getting a 77. Don't know why and that's what he tells me when I ask. "I don't know"..ugh.. he knows it's not acceptable but also says he's trying and that's all I can ask cuz I can't even begin to understand his math. I don't know much else except that I miss you terribly. I love you so much dad. Wish to all that's good and holy you were still here with us and not in Heaven. I know we can't always have what we want though too. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3