October 15

Hey Papa.. I thought a lot about you this week. I think about you all the time. I wonder what you would be doing. If you and the preacher would be planning trips to where ever he needed to go. If you and mama would be planning a trip here for your fall trip. You guys were supposed to come down sometime this year. You'd come and tinker around in my garage and sharpen my knives and tease Rob and I'd just be glad that you guys were here with us and never want you to leave, like always. I think about the last time you were here.. in May when you brought me home. When you hugged me before I went to bed, I knew you would slip out in the night cuz you didn't wanna see me cry as you left. I wouldn't have let you go if I had only known. I still think it was all part of the plan, His plan. Even though 4 months and a week later, I still don't understand why you had to go. That last road trip together, those last few precious moments and hours together. You not feeling good and unable to drive as much as you wanted, the stuff we talked about. There are still days I think that if I went away that no one would care. You always got me and I could always talk to you about anything. I miss that. I loved you so big, I think that's why it hurts so much to have lost you. Why it's so hard for me to accept and come to grips with things. We had something really special, I always have cherished it and loved the bond you and I had. Different from the way you were with the boys. Mom would always say, your father can do no wrong, right? Oh, I knew you had flaws but I didn't see them and I don't think you saw mine. God I miss you dad!! I have this ache inside of me, this emptiness and sadness inside of me. When does the healing start? When does time start healing this wound? Oh, the crap ppl say when you are grieving. Some of it is so insensitive! Went to talk to Susan today, she said that losing someone so profound to me, to my life, has to have an impact on how I live the rest of my life. She's right. I was telling her how I have lost joy in anything I used to do. Reading, quilting, exercising, just about everything. She said it's going to take time to find that joy, those things I used to enjoy enjoyable again but just embrace the journey and try my best right now.  I keep telling myself I have to keep going for Rob. I can't give up on life cuz I can't give up on Rob. I think how it would devastate him to see his mom wilt away. Part of me wants to just stay in bed and shut out the world, part of me screams that I have to function, have to go on, keep keeping on. That you wouldn't want us to stop our lives, living, cuz you had to go. I've had 2 ppl ask me in 2 days why I got back together with Shaun. I don't really know THE answer but I do know that I love him. I got back with him then cuz I knew Rob's teen years were coming and he would/could benefit from having his dad around. I got back with him cuz I missed him, missed what we were--in happier times. Not that we aren't happy but I get the brunt of the blame when things don't go right for him. Huh? He says that I'm always mad at him, well yeah! He does jack nothing and that's my fault? I stay cuz this is my house and for Rob wanting to finish school here and cuz there is nothing in Kansas for us except mom and you. I stay cuz I hope that Shaun will wake up and see what he does to me. How much he puts on me with making me responsible for the bills getting paid, and setting up his meds and keeping the house clean. That is beyond me.. he does nothing all day but I come home and have to cook and clean. He's got it made, don't he?! When I throw it back in his face he gets defensive and finds a reason as to why he can't do this or that. All roads usually lead to he was tired or his back hurt or his mom asked him to do something and he's just worn out. As I tell you this, it's like looking in a mirror and realizing that this is my life. The monster I've created. But I'm too scared to start over again and part of me doesn't want to and doesn't think I need to start over.. I just need to get Shaun to help out, to change. He has no motivation to do anything. The dr told him this is something I can't do for him, find his motivation. He has to want to. But yeah, I do take care of him to the point that he probably asks why should he have to do anything when I'm going to get mad and do it myself anyway. Susan says I have a right to be mad at Shaun right now. She thinks that Shaun is like raising another child. She said that she fears for me cuz she thinks Shaun is emotionally abusing me and taking me for granted. I don't know. I guess I'm numb to it so I don't see it like that. I see it as, that's Shaun, who Shaun is, how he's always been. He loves me, you know that and so do I and I know he would do anything for me but yeah a lot falls on me and yeah, it's not fair. But life isn't fair, right? He has his moments of being the Shaun I fell in love with. She said that from what she hears that he doesn't respect or value what I think or feel. That I'm expected to do things cuz Shaun knows I will. The laundry, cooking, his meds, things I need Shaun to do but he doesn't. There is a book she wants me to read about boundaries. She thinks it will help me establish some with Shaun but I don't think it will. When I say anything to him, when I try to get him to see what he does he gets defensive and shuts down. Always turns things around and usually ends up saying that he's sh!t. I don't think he is but I do think he is lazy and does put quite a lot on my plate when I'm still dealing with losing you and so much other stuff. I've used my voice but no matter how loud I roar it's not being heard. Makes me wonder what it's gonna take for him to hear it. Send me something dad, some oomph to light that fire under Shaun before I lose myself and my sanity. I've thought about saying to heck with it and moving myself back to Kansas but it always turns back to I can't leave Robbie. That child is the air that I breathe. He is so kind hearted and such a good son. He loves me with his whole heart. The other day, they were getting ready to go some where and Shaun had been an ass and we hadn't talked for like 2 days and Rob hugs me goodbye and I just started sobbing. He just held me and let me cry. Asked me what was wrong, I told him nothing and everything. I think I've done a good job raising him, what do you think? Yes, even though he's lazy sometimes.. he's still a good boy. He's my heart.

So that word, trust.. not sure how it's working for me this week. Guess I can only trust the process and hope that I'm gonna come out of this alive and still mentally intact. Mom and I have been tossing around the idea of her converting the garage into a place for her when she retires. It would be uber kewl if it happens!! She wants me to get measurements and talk to the zoning office and all this stuff.. I think it will be great and want her with us but I worry if she would be happy here. Happy, away from all the friends she has in Kansas. Her clients she does books for, her life.  I told her that I will take time off work and come help her get things squared away there when/if it happens but I don't know if she could really leave Kansas. She's been there a lifetime.. 32 years. I just want her to be happy. She needs some happy. Heck, we all need some happy but mom especially does. I worry for her papa. I worry that I'm gonna get a call from one of her friends or employees telling me mom had a stroke or something. It would really make my world upside down if something happens to her.   She was also telling me this week that USD 490 bought the field across from your house and are gonna build a new middle school there. Yep.. there goes the neighborhood!! I told her you'd be mad about that. They can't just leave well enough alone, can they? And what about the turkeys?? Guess I need to go see what is going on. Only about 4 more hours till bedtime. Another long weekend working. I'm grateful I have a job to complain about but the 10 hr days wipe me out! I love you papa bear..be with mama and all of us.. let us feel you there. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3