June 15

Hi papa. In 2 days it'll be 5 years since you had to go. In that time a lot has changed. Some ways for the better, some ways not so...you having to go was the worst. I wanted to crawl in your casket n go with you. Definitely crushed my heart losing you. Took a while to heal n in ways it'll never fully heal. The pain of losing you never goes away. We've all experienced a lot of loss. Mom, her best friend n confidante, the home she shared with you (I think she had to, to heal)...us kids, a great father n friend. Personally, I lost my house, jobs (I quit them), Shaun (bad n good loss), my relationship with Rob (that was a group effort)...but I've gained a wonderful husband that truly loves me, a different perspective on life - how very precious it is, to tell the ones you love you love them. Always. To not take things so seriously, auntie's perspective to not sweat the small stuff cuz frankly it's all small stuff..Joe goes by that too. :) I'm happy again n being happy feels great cuz I thought my life was always gonna be what it was. (Dull n boring, mundane, constantly stressful n feeling like my life was at a dead end.) I feel at peace being with Joe n I'm always happy to come home after work, I used to hate to leave work cuz I knew S would be in a mood or put me in one. I still to this day don't understand why you had to go but one sweet day you n I will be able to sit down together again n you can explain it all to me. I always thought you were immortal, wished to the heavens you were. You were my hero, I looked up to you n yes, thought you walked on water. I know you weren't perfect but you were to me. This time of year is still a little hard for me but I'm doing ok daddy. I know you walk with me n watch over us. I still feel you around n see you at times too...in the smile of some customer that comes in, or when I see an old guy wearing overalls, plaid shirt n ball cap. The smell of diesel fuel still makes me smile, crazy I know. Joe is taking good care of your baby girl. Sometimes I think he gets tired of hearing me talk about how wonderful you were but no part of me cares if it does although it does hurt my feelings some. He didn't have the relationship with his parents as I did/do so I don't think he really gets it. Idk. 

I don't know what I'll do Wednesday to remember you, I was hoping to have lunch with Brian but he's not gonna be this way. Or maybe go up n see mom but don't have the time or money. Joe has to work..so idk...I'll think of something. Just don't wanna spend the week crying about it as I did years past. Losing you certainly wasn't a happy time but I also know you wouldn't want us to continue crying about losing you but to be happy n smile about the wonderful memories we created together n I promise I'll do my best, even though in this moment my chin is quivering n I'm fighting to keep the tears in. I love you daddy so much. Miss you every day. (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit.