December 30

Hey papa!! My last post of 2011. I just wanted to stop by and say hey before we get to 2012. There are days that I still can't believe you are really not here. It's been 561 days since you went away. 80 weeks that we haven't got the joy of seeing you or hearing your laughter or felt your hugs or seen your smile. 13,540 hours since our last phone conversation and I can still remember everything we talked about and the last words we said to each other.  Yes sir.. I MISS YOU!!! I know mom does too. I'm guessing we aren't any closer to getting your case settled and I so wish we were. To give mom some peace and some closure. I know most days she is strong but she still has her days she misses you so much all she can do is cry. I totally understand that. Some days I'm just in a funk and can't get you outta my head. I think when I go to work in the mornings and there is a full moon, it's you shining down on me - letting me know that you miss me too. I like to think that anyway, true or not. Helps me cope a little I guess.
Tomorrow your #1 grandson turns 18. Can't believe it daddy. Time has FLOWN by. He's grown up to be quite a wonderful young man, but you know that. Thank you for all your guidance through the years with him. I'm honored that you got to be a part of his life for 16 years. You were such a wonderful grandpa, as fine a grandpa as you were my dad. You seemed to change from the grizzly bear you were to a docile cub almost when he came along. I still remember the silence on the phone when mom called you from the hospital to tell you he was here and what his name was. "It was written on his umbilical cord" she said.. :) He has your eye and hair color and I think he got his stubborness from both you and Shaun. I'm not sure what the next chapter of his life will be but I'm sorry you're not gonna get here to be a part of it, as least physically. I know Rob still thinks of you and misses you. He said the other day that it's nice to get cards from grandma but just not the same with your name not there. So true.
With 2012 coming I'm not going to waste my time saying that I'm gonna resolve to this or that cuz I never stick to it. I have no stick-to-it-ness.. but I can at least try to change some things in my life hopefully. Of course, one of them will be my weight. Sick of being the size I am, even though Shaun says there is nothing wrong with me.  I just stopped doing anything, hell, caring period when we lost you.  I was making some progress and thankfully haven't had that much a gain back but also unfortunately no loss either. I guess I'm to a point where I have to try again so, gonna give it another go. Wish me good mojo pops. Also gonna see what I can do about getting a better paying job or just more money coming in, whether I take a 2nd job or Shaun gets one (quit laughing). We're also talking about moving after Rob graduates. Idk where yet. We've talked about going back to Kansas, if Shaun could get the OK to drive a truck from the Dr. We've talked about us team driving. I'm sure I could do it but I am a bit intimidated by those big trucks. We thought Kansas so if Rob needed something he would be closer to family (that would help him) if we were out of town. We've also talked about moving to Florida. Some place in the middle. Away from Orlando but close enough if we got jobs at Disney.. dreaming, I know.. not near his mom though. I don't really care, just as long as we are together. Moving to FL brings it's own problems cuz it would hurt mom's feelings if we moved farther away and if something happened to her I'd be even farther away. I know, even if I was in El Dorado something could happen to her. We've also talked about just staying around here. I'm not sure where or what will be do but we will do much thinking and praying about it before we do it.
I'm on Shaun's computer and he is lurking and pacing so I guess I better go. I love you dad. Miss you too. Hope your New Year's Eve is quiet as you and mom always liked them. I will be in bed promptly at 9pm that night cuz I have to work on the 1st so I will say hello to 2012 when I wake up at 430am. Love you!!! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3