July 30, 2010

Hey Papa. My Friday was a friday. Today was the 1st day of my leave. I did a whole lot of nothing. I have sort of made a decision about what I'm gonna do.Gonna head to Kansas in a few days. I'm gonna take this week to get my head straight and start looking for a different job. I still have the job there, but I am gonna look for something else while I'm away from work. I'm gonna go see mom and Snick and you. I'm gonna search for some peace. Losing you has really messed me up. I always told Shaun that when I lost my parents I'd be a mess. Well, I'm a mess. I was sitting at the traffic light today coming back from getting my oil changed and there was a funeral procession and I bawled. Thinking of you. Almost had to pull over I was crying so hard. Kinda crazy, huh? Have a few ppl who seem to think I need to see a dr or therapist.. pish posh.. do not. Everyone handles loss differently, right?  
Shaun got a new car today. He was able to find a car that we could get with about the same car payment. When this originally started we were gonna look for something where the payment was less. Well, it's the same. Made insurance jump up 100 bux but we will figure it out. Tighten this and loosen that. He ended up getting a Honda Civic. Yeah, a honda. He had looked at a Dodge Caliber and it just wouldn't work out for that. They pointed us towards this Civic and we were like YEAH! so the guy did the paperwork and they worked things out where we can afford it. Only thing I'm worried about is that I'm on leave right now. Still employed with Convergys but on leave. He said they have to call my work to make sure I do work there. So keep your fingers crossed that everything works out. Also concerned on not working right now and that we are gonna need money by the end of the month. Pray that I find a different, what I wanna do, kinda job really soon.
I talked to mom today. I think she is upset with me, or my decision or I don't know what. I was talking to her tonight and she was just I don't know. She seemed bothered. I don't know if it was because Brian was at your house or if it was cuz of the decisions I've made. She told me to do what I thought was best for me and I kinda feel I have. She makes me feel like maybe I haven't. I want to be there with her really bad but there are a lot of variables that need to be figured out and being here~~Rob needs me here. Shaun wants me here with him. I'm not saying mom doesn't want me there but I think she will be ok. That's what she keeps telling me anyway. Makes me think of that song, Nobody Knows it But Me, has a line in that says something about telling ppl I'm fine but deep inside I'm falling apart. Maybe she's telling me she is ok just so I don't worry about her. I do worry about her though. She heard from the insurance company. They said the accident was 40% your fault. I think that is CRAP but I guess they have to share the blame. I'd say it was the other idiot who took you away from us's fault. He shoulda have slowed down for the intersection especially in a company vehicle. I think the SOB has yet to extend any kind of condolenses or anything. I hope he is having trouble sleeping at night and what he did haunts him constantly. I know that's not the Christian attitude but he has no idea what he stole from us. Who he took away from so many ppl who loved you so much. You can clearly see by the truck and the pics of the truck that you were in the intersection first. I know that you just drove out there, like you do.. not expecting anyone to be there cuz there was never anyone before. They've since cut back the trees there at that corner. How white of them to do that now that someone very special had to be taken from us before they did anything about them. I miss you papa. I better sleep.
I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit <3