July 22, 2010

Hey papa. Every Thursday since it happened I have a hard day. Well, today was no different. It's been 5 weeks ago today. Oh papa. I wish I could just accept things and go on with this thing called life. I was supposed to go to work today. I went. I made it through the front door, past the security guard and then to the bathroom. Once I got to the bathroom something in me clicked. I just couldn't be there. I couldn't stay. I couldn't make it through the day. I sent a text to my TL while I was in there and told her I just wasn't ready. Asked her if I'd be in trouble if I waited til Monday. She said I would be OK, so I left. So much for hanging in there, huh? Sorry papa. I called Shaun on my way home and told him how sorry I was for not staying. He told me it was OK. When I got home I started to mow but it got too hot and Don came home. I needed to be quiet so he could sleep. Did a whole lot of nothing else today. I know I have to go back to work daddy and I will. Just wasn't ready today. 

I started a blog today. This blog. Mom and I had talked about it. It's an easier way for me to share this with her. Presumptuous--its a word mama said tonight. Fancy word. 

Rob is talking to that girl again. Says he is just saying Hi. I don't believe him. Don't know why he keeps talking to her. Just wish it would stop. He goes back to school in 2 weeks. The summer went by in a blink. He'll be a junior this year. Doesn't seem possible, does it? Not too long ago he was still in diapers. I'm sad you won't be here for his graduation. That was something I was really looking forward to. So was he. God has a plan, right daddy? Just have to believe that I guess. Don't have another option, do I?

Well papa, another Thursday. Another hard day. Another day with tears. Had a friend suggest today I go see a dr to get some meds for depression. I'm not depressed. I'm sad and grieving the loss of my wonderful father. We all handle grief differently. I had another friend tonight compare it to a wave or ocean. Some days our grief will be just a ripple and others it will be a tsunami. Think I'm dealing with a lot of tsunami days right now. 

I probably oughta try to sleep. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3