Hey papa. I hate Thursdays. I used to look forward to them cuz that signaled that Friday was almost here but now when Thursdays come around I just think, 853, 904, daddy, world crashing to a gazillion pieces. I'm not handling you being gone very well. Not at all. I just wanna find a hole and get in it and die. Disappear for a while and who cares if I come back. You shouldn't be where you are. I shouldn't be feeling like I do. I just want you back. Need you back. I want to hear your voice, get a phone call from you, go to Kansas and get daddy hugs. Be excited to hear you and mom's fall plans to come see us. See you puttering around my garage on some project or something. But I know nothing can bring you back to me, to mom, to us. They, whoever these they ppl are, say time is going to heal this pain and its been 6 weeks daddy and I still hurt like I did 6 weeks ago. I still just want you back and wish none of this happened. So, when is time gonna start healing me?
Work today was bleck. So not happy there daddy. I so don't even care if I sell one thing. I know you told me to hang in there but I just can't. I do have some friends there and TL's that like me but that's not reason enough to wanna stay. They approved my leave. But I'm still confused as to what I wanna do. Aunt Norma thinks I should stay here for Rob. Rob doesn't wanna leave, which I understand, cuz he is almost done with school. This next 2 yrs are gonna be busy for him. He gets his class ring, has to start the practice tests for the graduation test and needs to learn to drive. I wish you were here to help teach him. He didn't get the classes he wanted but got some he could live with. Yeah, gonna be another fun year. NOT! Told mom what Auntie said and she agrees. Said that she will be fine whatever decision I make. Has never said she needs me there. Don't know if that is mom being A mom, brave front but knows I need to be here for my child or being mom, too stubborn to ask for help. Shaun and I talked and he said if mom doesn't need me there, he wants me here. How I wish you were here to lend your opinion. But if you were here I wouldn't probably be in this quandary. Not that I wouldn't have moved back for you. Cuz if you had needed me there, I'da been right there. I know you missed me and always wished things were different but you understood we are where we need to be right now. I also think you liked coming to visit your daughter in Jo-ja. Pretty neck of the woods, ain't it papa? We had all these crazy plans to build you guys a house out back or really turn the garage into an apartment or put a small mobile home down at the bottom of the hill. Guess we can scratch those dreams, huh? I know mom won't move here even though we've offered. It's too humid here for her. She has no friends here except us and there is no job here that pays what she is worth, which is a lot. She has roots there in Kansas and we are starting to get some here. I just wish that there was an easy solution to all of this. That you were still here, that Kansas wasn't 900 miles away, that I felt there was more for me in Kansas besides mom. Her getting hurt is what got me thinking I needed to be there, thinking I wanted to be there.. but after talking to God and everybody I think I need to just take some time and get my head straight and find me a job I enjoy or hell, even like. I have 30 days to decide and to look for something else. I'm hoping in that 30 days I can run back up to Kansas to see mom and Snick and stop and see you. Yes sir, I will cry when I do but that's become the norm since June 17th. I got a text asking me if I want to renew your ringback tone. I Saw the Light but Hank Williams. I bawled. Thinking about it makes me cry cuz I remember how much you enjoyed hearing it when you'd call me. How you requested it when I changed your song to something else for a little while. I'd have done anything for you just as you would have for me. I'd take your place in a second if I was given the choice. I miss you so bad daddy. I just want to feel some peace and get to a point where I don't cry as much. Feel what happy feels like again. I got 30 days to get my head straight so maybe I will find some peace in that time or fall apart completely. I need to go to bed. I love you daddy. I miss you so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3
How I like to remember my dad, happy :)
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