November 27

Hey Papa. Mom had to go home. :( I hate that she had to go. Thanksgiving without you was so weird. Just not the same. I kept thinking, daddy's just at home with Snickers. But I know you were here--in spirit. I wish you could have been here for real. My knives need sharpened by the way. We had such a good time with mom here. Not that we did a lot. Just hung out. She did some baking and cooked a couple meals. Yesterday took her to look at these apartments in Ringgold. Just to give her an idea. Don't think she was impressed. We did a little driving around like I when I would take you driving. Just spending time together. All I kept thinking was, will she be taken from me in 6 weeks like you were? I know dad, not happy thoughts but I still think about when you were here in May and then gone 6 weeks later. So, it's possible, even though I don't want that. When I hugged her last night before I went to bed I didn't wanna let her go. I wasn't able to see her off cuz I had to go to work. I wish I had been able to but I know that I woulda just cried some more. I didn't think I'd cry that much but I did and I have. I love her so much. She said she would be back in April. I'm holding her to it. I probably won't be able to go back to Kansas until the end of August or beginning of September. That's a long time daddy. By the time I'm able to come back your marker will have been placed and there's probably going to be grass grown over your underground apartment. I can't even begin to call it what it is. Just wanted to tell you mom went home. She'll be home tomorrow. She called me after she got to her hotel to let me know she made it safe. I wanted to call you so bad and tell you about my few days with mama but of course, I couldn't. I'm sure you are watching over her now as she stays in the hotel. Keep her safe papa. She's all I got left. Need to go to bed. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3 

November 25

Hey Papa.. just wanted to tell you Happy Thanksgiving. How I wish you were here. Finding things to be thankful for, I thought it would be hard this year but I am thankful that you were my father, my friend and my constant rock. I miss every thing about you dad. I miss you just not being here. I'm thankful for the friends I have and the relationships I have with all the ppl in my life. Mom always told me that God puts ppl in your life to help write the chapters of our lives. Some are just there for a few pages and some are there for volumes of your life book. I'm thankful that you were there to help write volumes and volumes of my life. I've always been so proud to be yours n mom's daughter, you two did a fine job raising us (especially me-lol!) and I'm so thankful for the relationship you, me and mom share/d. I'm thankful I have a job and for the stuff I have, like my house and car. For my son and for Shaun. 

Mom has been baking and has had my house smelling so good. Auntie taught her how to make pecan pie. I can't wait to try it. We are gonna have the traditional fare today. Wish you were here to share in the bounty. I am thankful that I know you are in Heaven and smiling down on us. What does God have planned for today? Do all the angels cook a huge meal for you all to share? That's another of those I wish you could call and tell me questions. 

dad's headstone..

Mom got a call from the funeral director. Your headstone is in. Dad, it's so nice. <<< See??  I want to be there when they place it but I can't be. Mom said she'd take pictures. Like mom said, it just kind of makes things final. Like a smack in the face. Like, yes this horrible thing really happened and you really are gone. How I hate reality. I want you here. Not there. The days and weeks keep going by and though I've healed some, a little, it's still a pretty deep seeping wound- losing you. I always wanted to be one of those ppl who in my 60's could say, I still have my parents and they are in their 90's. But reality and life had other plans for me I guess. A guy came in yesterday who was getting Krystal's for his 93 yr old mother. Sad she has no sense of good taste but thought it was sweet he was thinking of her.  You are still with me, in spirit, in my heart but it's just not the same. But yet, nothing is the same anymore or will be again. Gotta go get my bread started. Happy Thanksgiving. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

November 23

Hey papa. Mom is on her way here! I'm so excited to see her. It's been 3 months. She's gonna be here for Thanksgiving and go back on Saturday. That sux cuz I will have to say my 'see you later' to her on Friday night cuz I have to work at 6 on Saturday and I'm not going to wake her up when I know she needs her sleep so she can drive. She's been at Auntie's since Friday. I'm so glad she got to spend time with her. Snick is with Jennifer. I know daddy. But they don't like dogs at Debbie's so she couldn't take him. I guess he's OK. Jennifer said she's spoiling him and making sure he is having fun. Gonna be so strange, weird, difficult, not right not having you here or Snick. But I am so glad I get to see mom. So glad she loves me that much to travel out of her way to come see me. 

In other news of my world.. lol.. my boss finally got my name submitted for me to get certified for master cashier at work. I'm a bit excited and nervous. I have to get it.. have to, have to!! Not sure when I will be certified but any time in the next 3 wks or so. It will give me a $2 raise and we soooo need that. Bills right now are ack! I didn't/couldn't pay my credit card minimums this month. That sux monkeys cuz it's gonna open a can of worms that will be like near impossible to close once we are able to pay them again. I have to talk to someone about them but we are gonna wait until after the holidays to worry about them. I mean, I'm worried now but gonna try to push it to the side for a little while. We need whatever extra money for Christmas and birthdays. Rob will be 17 this year papa. It doesn't seem possible. He is the air that I breathe. I love that child so much. Yesterday he had his Special Olympics bowling event and got 1st place again. 2 yrs in a row! I'm so proud of him! And today he went to the Biltmore hotel in Asheville, NC. The first time he's been out of state without any of the family. I cried when I dropped him off at school this morning cuz I was so excited for him plus him going w/o us. Got to thinking about when he leaves us for good. Gonna kill me to let that child go. I guess he has a girl he likes but not sure she feels the same. I gave him $20 for the trip and he spent over 1/2 of it on this girl for a necklace. He sounded pretty bummed when he last called me so I'm hoping he is OK and she hasn't hurt his feelings or something worse. He took his psp with him, so also hoping the sounding bummed wasn't about that... that's he lost it or something. You know the graduation test I told you Rob has to take to graduate and they took the first part of it, the writing test a couple months ago? Yes, I told you about it.. anyway.. just found out his score! Daddy-- He passed it!! Got a 218. Had to have a 200 to pass. Thank you Lord!! Not sure how much more of it he will have to do but he passed this part. Whew!! :-)

I don't know much else. I miss you something awful. I'm gonna do my best to stay strong for mom when she's here but I can't promise that I won't cry. You should be here with us, not just in spirit but in person. I've broken down a couple times in the past couple days. I don't know if it's the holiday coming or mom coming w/o you or what.. but I look at your picture and cry. I love you dad.. so much. I miss you more as each day passes. I miss our talks, our phone calls, I miss you. Better go for now. Talked to mom about 2 and she was in Murfreesboro, about 2 hrs away. So she should be here any minute! I will give her a huge hug for you, k?!  I love you! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

November 15

Hey papa. Tonight was the last night of the support group. I have to say, I'm glad it's over. It was nice to have the group. To have ppl who have been going through similar things but to hear the stories over and over again. Ugh. I know, bad attitude. Sorry. Tonight we were going to release balloons along with a note to our loved ones. But, it's been raining all day so the balloons were out but we still wrote our notes. We could write them to our loved ones or about our loved ones. I wrote it about you. Wanna know what I said? Well, here goes.. I said, My dad was my rock. My constant. He was always there when I needed a shoulder or to talk or just hang out. I have so many wonderful memories of him that I will always cherish. As a little girl, going fishing with him. I never fished much cuz I didn't like touching the worms. I just went to be with him. As I got older, making sure he had clean clothes for work or had dinner ready when he'd wake up. After leaving home, when ever I needed advice I could call him or go see him and he'd give me my answers then I'd head back home and tackle my problems again. The one thing I hold so dear is when he and I would go to breakfast. Breakfast was our favorite meal. Just a 'dad and me' thing, most of the time. Because no one else liked getting up that early. I'll always remember he'd eat the jelly on the table waiting for the meal. He'd do it a lot of the time just to be ornery. Or how I'd stack the creamers and see how high I could get them. There's lots of things about him I'm going to miss but the time we'd spend together and our phone calls. Gonna miss those things the most. He would call me or I'd call him "just to talk". I'd love when we talked. We'd talk about nothing and everything. I miss that. I miss his voice, even though I have it recorded. Just not the same. Nothing is going to be the same again but I do know he's in a better place and he's not hurting anymore. Doesn't help me cuz I want him here with us. I think about mom coming for Thanksgiving and daddy not here too. He'd loved eating. The selection of food and the nap afterward. I miss you papa. Love you!.. There, that's what I said. What do you think? Have something else I wanna tell you. This is a poem that was in our handouts tonight. 

          Goodbye for Now

I can't believe that you're really gone now

Seems like it's all just a dream

How can it be that the world will go on

When something has died within me

Leaves will turn; my heart will burn with colors of you

Snow will fall, but I'll recall your warmth

Summer wind, breathing in your memory

I'll miss you

On rainy days, in many ways you'll water my heart

On starry nights, I'll glimpse the light of your smile

Never far from my heart

You'll stay with me
So I'll wait.

But there will be a time when I'll see your face 

And I'll hear your voice

And there we will laugh again

And there will come a day when I'll hold you close

No more tears to cry

'Cause we'll have forever

But I'll say goodbye for now.

I like that poem papa but you know I always hated to say goodbye to you. So, I'm going to change the last line there to See you later. Guess I'll leave it there tonight papa. I love you. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

November 10

Hey Papa.. Just wanted to tell you thanks for being with me today when I took my test for master cashier. You kept me calm and made sure I chose the correct answers. Only took 2 tries. :) So the next step is getting certified. And together we will get past that hurdle too. Let you know when it gets closer. What she'll do is submit my schedule for two weeks and anytime in that two weeks the lady who certifies me will show up and watch me the whole day and make sure I know everything I need to know and am cheerful and good with the customers. I can do this papa. I have to do this papa. Need the money! And also wanna show Donna I do know what I'm talking about and SHUT HER UP!!!  Just continue being with me papa. I love you so much!! Miss you too! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit! <3

November 9

Hey Papa.. You still sitting on that cloud waiting for mama.. Watching all of us, making sure we are doing OK? You've been away for 145 days. Not that I'm counting, of course. I so wish you were here. I just wanna call you so bad. Hear your voice, tell you what's been going on and hear about all you've been doing since you left us. I wish that was possible. 

Let me get you caught up on the last 8 days. Told you last time that I was probably gonna file bankruptcy. I went and talked to some lady and she said Chapter 7 looked like the way to go. Said to email her if I had questions. Emailed her the questions, she never responded. Some other lady from the office did and I had to make an appointment with her and went and saw her. She looked over all the info that the first lady had looked at and tells me that now I don't qualify for Chapter 7, but possibly Chapter 13 and I'd have to pay back 100% of my debt. Gee, like that helps, right? She suggested I talked to a credit counselor and they could make me a repayment plan. Like hello, anyone listening? If I could repay the debt I've racked up then why would I be looking for a way out of it?! Has me so mad and stressed out. Talked to a friend and she said, just don't pay them. Uh, that's easier said then done and so not me. You know that I always pay my bills but daddy I'm at the point where I can't buy groceries. So, I gotta do something. Something's gotta give. Can't seem to find a 2nd job and the one I got is starting to seem like a dead end. She keeps telling me that she's gonna get the test on the computer so I can take it so I can get certified and I keep waiting. Keep asking her about it. She says that she would like me to be management but her words don't seem to mean much. Which is sad, because without all the drama, I do like the job. I like the customers, some of them. We have this regular coffee bunch. These old guys. They are really nice guys. Charlie, Dennis, Sparky, Bob, Hank, and a few others. I get told all the time by various customers that I'm the best employee that's come along in a long time. I get tips, shh.. hehe.. not supposed to get them but I do.

Talked to bubby for a little bit the other day. He said he thinks he's going to lose his job soon, within the next two months. Something about this new law that is starting about some points system or something for truck drivers. He said that like 10, 000 drivers will be w/o jobs. I tried to find something about it on the internet but couldn't find what he was talking about. 

My support group is about done. I have one more week. I don't know if it's really helped or not. The other ppl in the group say "we're family now".. ha! These are the side of the family you don't claim you have. There's this lady there that is a piece of work. I told you about her, Linda. Her hubby died in a car accident like you did. She brought pictures the other night cuz she had been gone the week we did that and last week too. She started showing pics of her hubby, the dogs and grandkids and then she pulled out pics of her husband's truck and the scene of the accident. Dad, I did my best to sit there and listen and be respectful but she started going into detail of the accident and how they found him and what ran over what part of him, etc. and it was just too much to handle. I quietly told the leader I had to step out and went out in the foyer and bawled. It was like looking at your accident pics. I would never show those pics to someone unless I asked them first if they wanted to see them. I just couldn't believe how she talked about it like you'd talk about the weather. The leader came out and hugged me and told me that I was right to leave the room and it was OK. I talked to her a few minutes and told her what's been going on for me. We finally went back in and Linda caught up with me after as we were going to our cars and said that she was sorry and she just thinks of it as something that happened. That they were just pictures. Just pictures. Hmm.. the ones I have aren't just pictures. They are reminders of how my world, our world,  was shattered on that June morning 145 days ago. They are memories I wish I could forget and wish that I didn't have to have as part of my reality. I still wish I had been with you. I think of all the if only's and woulda, coulda, shoulda's. I think about how much I wish that reality wasn't. That you were fine and with mom and Snick and able to call me and tell me you were just thinking of your baby girl. 

I talk to mom about every day. If we don't talk we text message each other. I know she really misses you and wishes you were here too. She's going to Auntie's in a couple weeks and then coming here for Thanksgiving. I can't wait to see her!!! Wish she could bring Snickers but I know how much it sux to travel with pets, even though Snick is a pretty good car companion. Dogs are kinda not welcome at Debbie's. So the Snick-meister is gonna stay home with dingy.. er, Jennifer. 

Shaun broke his rib Sunday. Nice, huh? Kechi got out and he for some reason thought he could catch him and chased after him down our hill and was going too fast and got to the bottom and lost his footing and fell. They called me at work to tell me. As they were telling me my heart was pounding so hard and my knees got weak cuz I thought for sure he was gonna say Kechi got hit and killed or that Shaun was more damaged then a broken rib. Or tell me something much worse. I took him to the emergency room after I got off work, they wouldn't let me off early to go to him. We were up there about 2 1/2 hrs. He has to just take it easy and take his pain meds. Taking it easy shouldn't be hard for him cuz he does it all the time anyway. I do feel bad for him but also don't get why he chased the moron cuz he always comes back after he gets out. He's not worth chasing. Shaun wants to get rid of Kechi and Danny now. Muhahahahaha!! Yay! Oops, sorry dad. I don't like them. If you could see what they done to the back door and the screen door you put in, you'd understand. They shattered the cat door so we had to take it out and we covered the hole and they tore up what we used to cover it. I'm sick of 'em!! They are destructive idiots! Hmm. I don't know much more. 

I'm not crying as much. Still crying but not everyday. Which I guess is good. I was getting ready for group last night and just broke down looking at your pictures. Still can't believe you are really gone gone. Still feels like you are on a trip and will be home any day now. If only papa. If only. Better go. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

November 1

Hey Papa.. how have you been? I've been frazzled. Gotta lot going on. Work has been kinda stressful. With that fricking hag and all the crap she keeps saying around me and about me. It's so juvenile. What's great though is that Mike, the big boss, sees right through her. He doesn't care too much for her. So, I'm just waiting for her to make that one mistake and for him to say, See ya! to her. Hey, one can hope, huh?! 

I have been having good days and bad. Still crying but maybe not as much. I think about you all the time. I got home from work Saturday and that panel is coming down on my carport again. I wanted to call you to tell you that I need your help to fix it again and I couldn't. I can't. I just sat in my car and cried a while. I still can't believe that you are really, truly gone. It can't be true, can it? A part of me keeps hoping that you are gonna call me and tell me something Snick did or where you and the preacher are going next. Or something about mom. Or how many shrimp you've eaten at Red Lobster. Oh papa.. I miss you so much.

I'm going to have to file bankruptcy. Which sux, but a lot about being an adult sucks monkeys. My credit is good right now too.. not stellar but not awful either. I have so much credit card debt and there is no way I'll ever be able to pay it all back. I know I did this myself but I'd rather wave the white flag now and surrender before things get any worse. Every month we are trying to figure out how we are gonna buy groceries or gas cuz all the money went to bills. And when Rob turns 18 we will lose the money he gets. So, better to do it now and not have to rely on Boo's money so we can maybe starting saving some of it for him so he has a little money when he moves out. That'd be nice. The lady I spoke to about the bankruptcy told me to not pay my unsecured creditors this month cuz we're gonna file. She said the most they can do is call me and harass me. I just hate the thought of not paying a bill I owe. I mean, I know I'm filing but to not be filing at this moment and know I have those bills. Oy, this is gonna be hard for me. She said to not pay so we will have the money to eat, hmm.. what a concept. Gotta get all my ducks in a row first and probably by Friday I'm gonna get things started. She said if we get going by mid-November we can be completely done by early/mid March. It's gonna cost a pretty penny to file too. You can ask mama about that. 

Went to group again tonight. Still having a hard time trying to figure out why I'm there. Trying to convince myself that there is a reason besides trying to learn how to deal with losing you. I hardly talk, which some nights, frustrates me. I have things I wanna talk about and seems the same ppl go on and on about the same thing they told us last week and the week before. There is one lady who lost her son. My heart aches for her. I couldn't imagine losing Boo. She lost her first husband, her son's dad, a few yrs ago to cancer and then lost her son in February to a drug overdose. I hurt, but I can't imagine how much she hurts. And she's been trying to be strong for her daughter and I worry about her cuz she's putting on this brave front for her and maybe not dealing like she should be becuz of it. And I hurt for Richard, he's this older guy in our group. He and his wife were married for almost 45 years. Have you met her up there yet? Her name was Alice. She had cancer too. He said he doesn't know how to function without her and feels like just ending it all. Said that he's ready to go cuz without her here there's no reason to keep on. The same way I have felt and I'm sure mama has. I was thinking that you were that for her. That you did so much for her and she's now having to do those things and learn some of them and I'm sure it's been so hard for her. She'll be going to Auntie's before too long. Wish I could go and see them and her while she's there but there's no way I can get the time off work. All the managers are going to be going on vacation this next month. Gee, that'll be fun. I hear that she's going to bring managers from other stores to help us out while one of them is away each week. 

I don't know much more papa. I know that I despise weekends with every ounce of my being. I've worked every one since I started and gone in at 6 am every one of them since I started. 6am and weekends just doesn't mix, ya know?? It's the weekend man. We fall back this Sunday so YAY!! An extra hour of sleep! Thank ya Jesus!! I better get to bed. Been up since 5 am. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3