November 1

Hey Papa.. how have you been? I've been frazzled. Gotta lot going on. Work has been kinda stressful. With that fricking hag and all the crap she keeps saying around me and about me. It's so juvenile. What's great though is that Mike, the big boss, sees right through her. He doesn't care too much for her. So, I'm just waiting for her to make that one mistake and for him to say, See ya! to her. Hey, one can hope, huh?! 

I have been having good days and bad. Still crying but maybe not as much. I think about you all the time. I got home from work Saturday and that panel is coming down on my carport again. I wanted to call you to tell you that I need your help to fix it again and I couldn't. I can't. I just sat in my car and cried a while. I still can't believe that you are really, truly gone. It can't be true, can it? A part of me keeps hoping that you are gonna call me and tell me something Snick did or where you and the preacher are going next. Or something about mom. Or how many shrimp you've eaten at Red Lobster. Oh papa.. I miss you so much.

I'm going to have to file bankruptcy. Which sux, but a lot about being an adult sucks monkeys. My credit is good right now too.. not stellar but not awful either. I have so much credit card debt and there is no way I'll ever be able to pay it all back. I know I did this myself but I'd rather wave the white flag now and surrender before things get any worse. Every month we are trying to figure out how we are gonna buy groceries or gas cuz all the money went to bills. And when Rob turns 18 we will lose the money he gets. So, better to do it now and not have to rely on Boo's money so we can maybe starting saving some of it for him so he has a little money when he moves out. That'd be nice. The lady I spoke to about the bankruptcy told me to not pay my unsecured creditors this month cuz we're gonna file. She said the most they can do is call me and harass me. I just hate the thought of not paying a bill I owe. I mean, I know I'm filing but to not be filing at this moment and know I have those bills. Oy, this is gonna be hard for me. She said to not pay so we will have the money to eat, hmm.. what a concept. Gotta get all my ducks in a row first and probably by Friday I'm gonna get things started. She said if we get going by mid-November we can be completely done by early/mid March. It's gonna cost a pretty penny to file too. You can ask mama about that. 

Went to group again tonight. Still having a hard time trying to figure out why I'm there. Trying to convince myself that there is a reason besides trying to learn how to deal with losing you. I hardly talk, which some nights, frustrates me. I have things I wanna talk about and seems the same ppl go on and on about the same thing they told us last week and the week before. There is one lady who lost her son. My heart aches for her. I couldn't imagine losing Boo. She lost her first husband, her son's dad, a few yrs ago to cancer and then lost her son in February to a drug overdose. I hurt, but I can't imagine how much she hurts. And she's been trying to be strong for her daughter and I worry about her cuz she's putting on this brave front for her and maybe not dealing like she should be becuz of it. And I hurt for Richard, he's this older guy in our group. He and his wife were married for almost 45 years. Have you met her up there yet? Her name was Alice. She had cancer too. He said he doesn't know how to function without her and feels like just ending it all. Said that he's ready to go cuz without her here there's no reason to keep on. The same way I have felt and I'm sure mama has. I was thinking that you were that for her. That you did so much for her and she's now having to do those things and learn some of them and I'm sure it's been so hard for her. She'll be going to Auntie's before too long. Wish I could go and see them and her while she's there but there's no way I can get the time off work. All the managers are going to be going on vacation this next month. Gee, that'll be fun. I hear that she's going to bring managers from other stores to help us out while one of them is away each week. 

I don't know much more papa. I know that I despise weekends with every ounce of my being. I've worked every one since I started and gone in at 6 am every one of them since I started. 6am and weekends just doesn't mix, ya know?? It's the weekend man. We fall back this Sunday so YAY!! An extra hour of sleep! Thank ya Jesus!! I better get to bed. Been up since 5 am. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3