November 9

Hey Papa.. You still sitting on that cloud waiting for mama.. Watching all of us, making sure we are doing OK? You've been away for 145 days. Not that I'm counting, of course. I so wish you were here. I just wanna call you so bad. Hear your voice, tell you what's been going on and hear about all you've been doing since you left us. I wish that was possible. 

Let me get you caught up on the last 8 days. Told you last time that I was probably gonna file bankruptcy. I went and talked to some lady and she said Chapter 7 looked like the way to go. Said to email her if I had questions. Emailed her the questions, she never responded. Some other lady from the office did and I had to make an appointment with her and went and saw her. She looked over all the info that the first lady had looked at and tells me that now I don't qualify for Chapter 7, but possibly Chapter 13 and I'd have to pay back 100% of my debt. Gee, like that helps, right? She suggested I talked to a credit counselor and they could make me a repayment plan. Like hello, anyone listening? If I could repay the debt I've racked up then why would I be looking for a way out of it?! Has me so mad and stressed out. Talked to a friend and she said, just don't pay them. Uh, that's easier said then done and so not me. You know that I always pay my bills but daddy I'm at the point where I can't buy groceries. So, I gotta do something. Something's gotta give. Can't seem to find a 2nd job and the one I got is starting to seem like a dead end. She keeps telling me that she's gonna get the test on the computer so I can take it so I can get certified and I keep waiting. Keep asking her about it. She says that she would like me to be management but her words don't seem to mean much. Which is sad, because without all the drama, I do like the job. I like the customers, some of them. We have this regular coffee bunch. These old guys. They are really nice guys. Charlie, Dennis, Sparky, Bob, Hank, and a few others. I get told all the time by various customers that I'm the best employee that's come along in a long time. I get tips, shh.. hehe.. not supposed to get them but I do.

Talked to bubby for a little bit the other day. He said he thinks he's going to lose his job soon, within the next two months. Something about this new law that is starting about some points system or something for truck drivers. He said that like 10, 000 drivers will be w/o jobs. I tried to find something about it on the internet but couldn't find what he was talking about. 

My support group is about done. I have one more week. I don't know if it's really helped or not. The other ppl in the group say "we're family now".. ha! These are the side of the family you don't claim you have. There's this lady there that is a piece of work. I told you about her, Linda. Her hubby died in a car accident like you did. She brought pictures the other night cuz she had been gone the week we did that and last week too. She started showing pics of her hubby, the dogs and grandkids and then she pulled out pics of her husband's truck and the scene of the accident. Dad, I did my best to sit there and listen and be respectful but she started going into detail of the accident and how they found him and what ran over what part of him, etc. and it was just too much to handle. I quietly told the leader I had to step out and went out in the foyer and bawled. It was like looking at your accident pics. I would never show those pics to someone unless I asked them first if they wanted to see them. I just couldn't believe how she talked about it like you'd talk about the weather. The leader came out and hugged me and told me that I was right to leave the room and it was OK. I talked to her a few minutes and told her what's been going on for me. We finally went back in and Linda caught up with me after as we were going to our cars and said that she was sorry and she just thinks of it as something that happened. That they were just pictures. Just pictures. Hmm.. the ones I have aren't just pictures. They are reminders of how my world, our world,  was shattered on that June morning 145 days ago. They are memories I wish I could forget and wish that I didn't have to have as part of my reality. I still wish I had been with you. I think of all the if only's and woulda, coulda, shoulda's. I think about how much I wish that reality wasn't. That you were fine and with mom and Snick and able to call me and tell me you were just thinking of your baby girl. 

I talk to mom about every day. If we don't talk we text message each other. I know she really misses you and wishes you were here too. She's going to Auntie's in a couple weeks and then coming here for Thanksgiving. I can't wait to see her!!! Wish she could bring Snickers but I know how much it sux to travel with pets, even though Snick is a pretty good car companion. Dogs are kinda not welcome at Debbie's. So the Snick-meister is gonna stay home with dingy.. er, Jennifer. 

Shaun broke his rib Sunday. Nice, huh? Kechi got out and he for some reason thought he could catch him and chased after him down our hill and was going too fast and got to the bottom and lost his footing and fell. They called me at work to tell me. As they were telling me my heart was pounding so hard and my knees got weak cuz I thought for sure he was gonna say Kechi got hit and killed or that Shaun was more damaged then a broken rib. Or tell me something much worse. I took him to the emergency room after I got off work, they wouldn't let me off early to go to him. We were up there about 2 1/2 hrs. He has to just take it easy and take his pain meds. Taking it easy shouldn't be hard for him cuz he does it all the time anyway. I do feel bad for him but also don't get why he chased the moron cuz he always comes back after he gets out. He's not worth chasing. Shaun wants to get rid of Kechi and Danny now. Muhahahahaha!! Yay! Oops, sorry dad. I don't like them. If you could see what they done to the back door and the screen door you put in, you'd understand. They shattered the cat door so we had to take it out and we covered the hole and they tore up what we used to cover it. I'm sick of 'em!! They are destructive idiots! Hmm. I don't know much more. 

I'm not crying as much. Still crying but not everyday. Which I guess is good. I was getting ready for group last night and just broke down looking at your pictures. Still can't believe you are really gone gone. Still feels like you are on a trip and will be home any day now. If only papa. If only. Better go. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3