July 30, 2010

Hey Papa. My Friday was a friday. Today was the 1st day of my leave. I did a whole lot of nothing. I have sort of made a decision about what I'm gonna do.Gonna head to Kansas in a few days. I'm gonna take this week to get my head straight and start looking for a different job. I still have the job there, but I am gonna look for something else while I'm away from work. I'm gonna go see mom and Snick and you. I'm gonna search for some peace. Losing you has really messed me up. I always told Shaun that when I lost my parents I'd be a mess. Well, I'm a mess. I was sitting at the traffic light today coming back from getting my oil changed and there was a funeral procession and I bawled. Thinking of you. Almost had to pull over I was crying so hard. Kinda crazy, huh? Have a few ppl who seem to think I need to see a dr or therapist.. pish posh.. do not. Everyone handles loss differently, right?  
Shaun got a new car today. He was able to find a car that we could get with about the same car payment. When this originally started we were gonna look for something where the payment was less. Well, it's the same. Made insurance jump up 100 bux but we will figure it out. Tighten this and loosen that. He ended up getting a Honda Civic. Yeah, a honda. He had looked at a Dodge Caliber and it just wouldn't work out for that. They pointed us towards this Civic and we were like YEAH! so the guy did the paperwork and they worked things out where we can afford it. Only thing I'm worried about is that I'm on leave right now. Still employed with Convergys but on leave. He said they have to call my work to make sure I do work there. So keep your fingers crossed that everything works out. Also concerned on not working right now and that we are gonna need money by the end of the month. Pray that I find a different, what I wanna do, kinda job really soon.
I talked to mom today. I think she is upset with me, or my decision or I don't know what. I was talking to her tonight and she was just I don't know. She seemed bothered. I don't know if it was because Brian was at your house or if it was cuz of the decisions I've made. She told me to do what I thought was best for me and I kinda feel I have. She makes me feel like maybe I haven't. I want to be there with her really bad but there are a lot of variables that need to be figured out and being here~~Rob needs me here. Shaun wants me here with him. I'm not saying mom doesn't want me there but I think she will be ok. That's what she keeps telling me anyway. Makes me think of that song, Nobody Knows it But Me, has a line in that says something about telling ppl I'm fine but deep inside I'm falling apart. Maybe she's telling me she is ok just so I don't worry about her. I do worry about her though. She heard from the insurance company. They said the accident was 40% your fault. I think that is CRAP but I guess they have to share the blame. I'd say it was the other idiot who took you away from us's fault. He shoulda have slowed down for the intersection especially in a company vehicle. I think the SOB has yet to extend any kind of condolenses or anything. I hope he is having trouble sleeping at night and what he did haunts him constantly. I know that's not the Christian attitude but he has no idea what he stole from us. Who he took away from so many ppl who loved you so much. You can clearly see by the truck and the pics of the truck that you were in the intersection first. I know that you just drove out there, like you do.. not expecting anyone to be there cuz there was never anyone before. They've since cut back the trees there at that corner. How white of them to do that now that someone very special had to be taken from us before they did anything about them. I miss you papa. I better sleep.
I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit <3

July 29, 2010

Hey papa. I hate Thursdays. I used to look forward to them cuz that signaled that Friday was almost here but now when Thursdays come around I just think, 853, 904, daddy, world crashing to a gazillion pieces. I'm not handling you being gone very well. Not at all. I just wanna find a hole and get in it and die. Disappear for a while and who cares if I come back. You shouldn't be where you are. I shouldn't be feeling like I do. I just want you back. Need you back. I want to hear your voice, get a phone call from you, go to Kansas and get daddy hugs. Be excited to hear you and mom's fall plans to come see us. See you puttering around my garage on some project or something. But I know nothing can bring you back to me, to mom, to us. They, whoever these they ppl are, say time is going to heal this pain and its been 6 weeks daddy and I still hurt like I did 6 weeks ago. I still just want you back and wish none of this happened. So, when is time gonna start healing me?
Work today was bleck. So not happy there daddy. I so don't even care if I sell one thing. I know you told me to hang in there but I just can't. I do have some friends there and TL's that like me but that's not reason enough to wanna stay. They approved my leave. But I'm still confused as to what I wanna do. Aunt Norma thinks I should stay here for Rob. Rob doesn't wanna leave, which I understand, cuz he is almost done with school. This next 2 yrs are gonna be busy for him. He gets his class ring, has to start the practice tests for the graduation test and needs to learn to drive. I wish you were here to help teach him. He didn't get the classes he wanted but got some he could live with. Yeah, gonna be another fun year. NOT!  Told mom what Auntie said and she agrees. Said that she will be fine whatever decision I make. Has never said she needs me there. Don't know if that is mom being A mom, brave front but knows I need to be here for my child or being mom, too stubborn to ask for help. Shaun and I talked and he said if mom doesn't need me there, he wants me here. How I wish you were here to lend your opinion. But if you were here I wouldn't probably be in this quandary. Not that I wouldn't have moved back for you. Cuz if you had needed me there, I'da been right there. I know you missed me and always wished things were different but you understood we are where we need to be right now. I also think you liked coming to visit your daughter in Jo-ja. Pretty neck of the woods, ain't it papa?  We had all these crazy plans to build you guys a house out back or really turn the garage into an apartment or put a small mobile home down at the bottom of the hill. Guess we can scratch those dreams, huh? I know mom won't move here even though we've offered. It's too humid here for her. She has no friends here except us and there is no job here that pays what she is worth, which is a lot. She has roots there in Kansas and we are starting to get some here. I just wish that there was an easy solution to all of this. That you were still here, that Kansas wasn't 900 miles away, that I felt there was more for me in Kansas besides mom. Her getting hurt is what got me thinking I needed to be there, thinking I wanted to be there.. but after talking to God and everybody I think I need to just take some time and get my head straight and find me a job I enjoy or hell, even like. I have 30 days to decide and to look for something else. I'm hoping in that 30 days I can run back up to Kansas to see mom and Snick and stop and see you. Yes sir, I will cry when I do but that's become the norm since June 17th. I got a text asking me if I want to renew your ringback tone. I Saw the Light but Hank Williams. I bawled. Thinking about it makes me cry cuz I remember how much you enjoyed hearing it when you'd call me. How you requested it when I changed your song to something else for a little while. I'd have done anything for you just as you would have for me. I'd take your place in a second if I was given the choice. I miss you so bad daddy. I just want to feel some peace and get to a point where I don't cry as much. Feel what happy feels like again. I got 30 days to get my head straight so maybe I will find some peace in that time or fall apart completely. I need to go to bed. I love you daddy. I miss you so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

July 28, 2010

Hey papa. Well Dag-Nabbit!!! I am more confused than I was before. 17 ppl are saying Go be with you mom and a just a couple ppl saying to stay here where I belong being the wife and mom I am. Have ppl saying it sounds like Shaun is trying to get rid of me and another telling him to get another girl to live her while I'm gone for companionship and to cook and clean for him. I'm sure you can guess who said that! Again got her nose right in the middle of where it doesn't belong and we didn't even ask for her opinion!
Just hate being back at work. I put my leave request in today. Not sure they will OK it but if they don't I'm gonna do what I gotta. Richard is gonna have his nose outta joint if I go and I know that Richard is 30 minutes from mom and she can call him if she needs anything but that's just it. I don't think she will. She fell the other night and didn't call him. Mom and him just aren't as close as me and her. I don't know that she really tells him how she feels or if she just tells him what she thinks he needs to hear. She has to be so guarded when she talks to him and that's gotta suck. I know that oyu guys have had to do that for a while with him and that's just stupid. I don't like being around ppl that. Having to weigh my words. I just won't waste my time talking to you if that's what I gotta do, you know?
I know that this decision is ultimately mine and Shaun's and we are the ones who are going to have to live with the reprecussions of it. I just think about all the other 2 cents I've gotten and am weighing those too. No matter what gets decided someone's feelings will be hurt. Even if they are just mine. Need to get to bed papa.I stayed up too late last night and didn't sleep worth a darn. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit! <3

July 27, 2010

Hey papa. My day was again icky. I am still hating being back to work. So hate it and don't give a lilly living hoo-ha about those stupid customers bills. Just pay 'em ppl!!    

I'm thinking about going back to KS to be with mom. I just need to be, want to be, there with her a while. Even thinking about getting a job so yeah, I'd be there a while. I don't know papa. I am so darn confused. I've talked to so many of my friends and they've all said, except one, that I should be with my mom.. so I want to be with mom. I've talked to Shaun about it and to Boo. They both say that they don't want me to go but understand why I need to and want to. We've talked about when we'd see each other and how. Of course, grand ideas now. I just hope it works out. Mom doesn't want to disrupt my family but she is family too. I get that children are raised to leave home and go be on their own and do what they gotta but when things happen as they've happened don't we, shouldn't we, do our part to be there for our parents? I'd do it for you in a heart beat if things were different. I ultimately wish that you were here and we wouldn't have to even be doing any of this. You woulda called me and said, Mom fell at work and I'm taking her to the hospital and I will take care of her and tell you what's going on.. no, I don't know your exact words but I know she'd be ok with you. I know that Rich is there just 30 minutes away but for some reason she doesn't want to call him for help. She doesn't need taken care of but I do think that maybe, possibly her and I just need to be together a little while more. I feel outta place here. Still haven't found my rhythm or groove again being back and just am still so sad. I almost don't remember what happy feels like. Ppl have seen me at work and all have asked where I was. I've had to tell them what happened and all and it just makes me wanna run away. It depends on who it is that asks. Lanza, remember her, she asked where I'd been and I told her and she said, I met him, right? and I told her yeah and she said oh my god, i'm so sorry. He seemed like a real nice person. I said, he was.. :( and I sent an email to Roy Underhill the other day and he said he was so sorry to hear about your passing and hopes that we are continuing living life like you would have wanted us to. Oh papa.. how do we do that right now when the world is just so mixed up and confusing and painful? And passing. ugh. I know you are in Heaven watching over us down here but I could so use a hug from you right now.. if only.

Mom did a doozy on her knee. Its all purple and swollen. She said its hard to bend it but she is keeping it up and iced. She sent me pictures of it tonight. Oh man. Always said, go big or go home.. she went big papa. 

I have things I'm worried about if I go to KS. Like Boo and school. I'm hoping he doesn't give Shaun a hard time about going and does his studies and listens to Shaun. And Shaun, that he takes his meds and does OK w/o me. Keeps the house clean and does the yard work. Have you talked to God about the cloning yet? It'd be mighty helpful papa. Boo got his schedule for this yr. He's not thrilled but says he can tolerate Art if he can't get the graphic arts class he wanted. I need to get to bed.  I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3

July 26, 2010

Hey papa. Today was just awful daddy. Work was almost impossible today. When I got there I couldn't even get on the computer cuz I forgot how and cuz my password had expired. My old TL called and got it reset for me. I got on the computer, ended up being tardy. My new TL will fix it though. I didn't get on the phone until 930. My TL will have a problem with that but oh well. I probably won't be at this job much longer cuz we have to have 11% sales each month and I am not a sales person dad. We get 2 write ups and we are outta there. My calls today were awful. People calling to complain about their accounts or their bills. I so just didn't care!! I wanted to walk out more than once today.
Mom fell and got hurt today at work. She tripped over those mats behind the counter. She hurt her knees, her right more than her left.  She's at the ER now daddy. I should be there! She told me not to come though. Said that it would be ridiculous. No, it wouldn't. Hard to explain to work while I have to be gone but I'd quit if I had to. I msg'd one of her friends to go up and check on her, be with her. She's gonna kill me! :)  She got one of the checks today she was waiting on. Said it was more than she was expecting but won't tell me how much. Said it will get back to Brian. Now daddy~ you know that I can keep a secret. There were plenty of things you told me over the years I've never told. Just kinda hurt my feelings. I understand though if the boys can't know than neither should I, I guess.
Bedtime has crept upon me papa. I need to get to sleep or try to go. Mom is still at the hospital and I'm sitting by the phone waiting to see what's wrong. In case she needs me.
I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3

July 25, 2010

Hey papa. How are you tonight? What was your day like? Oh, how I would love to hear the responses to those questions! My day was, eh, a day. Did a whole lot of absolutely nothing. I slept in, yeah, me.. I know, I never sleep in! I know I should have gotten up and gone to church but we still haven't found a place that feels like home. Not a good excuse but it's the one I'm using. 
We went over to Judy's this morning for a few and just as we were getting to her corner we saw something running across the street. Not sure what it was but Shaun thinks it was a beaver. It's tail was bushy though, do beaver's have bushy tails?  We didn't stay too long over there. She started talking about things she wanted moved and he was ready to go. His back has been hurting him and he's not feeling good. Says he is depressed. Could be, I don't know..I don't even know if I'm depressed. I described how I've been feeling to one of my friends and they said I could be. I think I have a very good reason to be. 
I had my daily cry this morning when I got up. Stared at your picture and talked to you a little and started crying. I just want you back, need you back. Mom wants and needs you back too. I was talking to her tonight and she said she gets home after work and there's no one to talk to. Makes me sad for her. I told her to call me or the boys or Shaun or anyone. I know that's not the same as having someone there to greet you when you open the door at night. I felt the same way when Shaun and I were apart. I had Rob, but I couldn't have an adult conversation with him. The loneliness is going to be one of the hardest things (besides you being gone) that she will have to go through. That makes me sad for her. I wish she didn't have to be going through this. 
I have to go back to work tomorrow papa. Ugh! This time I can't chicken out. I have to stay. I have to get my shift bid in and get back in the flow of things. They told me to take all the time I need but not sure I want to chance the hospitality by not going back. I don't wanna go back but I do need the paycheck. 
I made a collage today. It's a group of pictures put all together. Pictures of you, mom, me, Snick but mainly you. Set it as my desktop background. Took me a while deciding how I wanted it put together. I made it 4 different ways. Sent 2 of them to mom. She set it as her background too. You are so very missed and were most definitely loved. 
I better get to bed. Tomorrow's gonna suck just like all my days have since the 17th. OK.. 
I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

July 24, 2010

Hey papa. Ooh, I was busy today! Did everything I was telling you I was gonna try to get done today. I mowed my backyard. I had asked Boo to help and of course he waited until I was almost done before he came to help. He mowed about a foot wide section and then stopped. Gave him a lesson with the grass whip and had him get after it. He did pretty good. We had the hill under control before things happened and while I was away, it's out of control again. So frustrating!!   After that, we went and helped Don move some. It was 100 degrees today. Sweat kept running in my eyes and I got so hot I got a headache. 

Then, when we got done with that we cleaned out the truck and took it up to KIA to see if we could trade it in for Shaun. Doesn't look too hopeful. We were looking to lower our payments and its going to raise it instead. Guess how much?! 125-175 more a month!! Too, too much! Feel bad too cuz Shaun really wants to get out of the truck. I don't know, just because I guess. The truck has a few things that need fixed like the A/C and a belt needs replaced and the doors are loose. They need to be put back on their hinges.. something like that. Plus I think he wants to trade it in so ppl will quit asking to use it or use him to move things. Why is that?! Ppl know that you have a truck so they just assume that you want to help them move stuff!

  Talked to mom today. She had gone to get a bunch of groceries. Tried using the food saver thing and it would either seal and not suck the air out or suck the air out and Not seal. She said that she finally got it to do something but it wasn't what she wanted. She has her finals next week. She's worried about her Ips class. Yes, I know she will do fine too. I guess Brian talked to her about her giving me some money and then he would pay her back. I'm not kewl with that papa. Not gonna put mom in that situation. I'll figure things out. Somehow. Still hoping something happens and Brian gets paid. 
All day I was so busy and hot! Oh daddy, it has been so humid. You would hate it. It's still 88 outside and after 11 pm! Me and Shaun were thinking that there are ppl out there sleeping in this yuck, like campers and homeless ppl. Even talked about going and finding one and letting them sleep in our nice, cool house tonight. A homeless person, not a camper. :) hehe
We go pick up Rob's schedule for school and pay his fees on Tuesday. Gonna be 30 bux for him. Not too shabby, huh pops? Its lots more other places. Like there its about 90 bux! 
I was telling you about being busy. Mom has said she's been staying busy so she doesn't have time to think about things. I think there is something to that. I was busy all day today and even though I did think a little about things I didn't break down and cry, until later tonight. After my day had come to a stop and I had time to be alone in my thoughts. Me and Shaun had run to Walmart and on the way home the song by Led Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven, was on the radio. I got lost in the song and thinking about you and cried for a few minutes. 
I wish there were enough tears or thoughts or wishes to bring you back to us. I wish that just wishing it would make it so. I miss you. I miss our phone calls. I miss hearing your voice. I miss hearing mom tell me about something you and Snick or the others had done. I miss the comfort and peace of knowing that even though you were almost 900 miles away everything was right in my world. That you were with mom doing who knows what but you and her were OK. Now my world is shattered and I still can't find all the pieces, not that I've begun looking yet. I miss you so much papa. Life sux a whole lot these days without you here. 
I'm thinking about getting a second job. Go back to work at Krystal's. Not sure though. I need the extra money and maybe if I stay busy.. I don't know. Better try to sleep. Ugh-I have to go back to work on Monday. Oy!!  I can do it, right? Right-uh-I hope. Better let you get back to whatever it is you are doing these days. I still think about what you would be doing if you were still here. 
I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3