February 27

Hi Papa! Gee golly how I miss you. There are so very many days I'd love to be able to pick up the phone and call you. I miss your voice. Heck, I MISS YOU! I don't know a whole lot. Mom is doing OK I guess. We've talked but not much about her surgery. What's done is done. It is what it is. Seems silly to still be mad about it cuz she done did it. She had planned on doing it all along so idk why she asked me what I thought and got me in my tizzy. Just wish you were here. She goes Tuesday to find out if she can have pureed foods. Um, yummy? Can't even imagine. She could almost just buy some baby food. It's pureed and got the nutrients in it. Oy vey. Ick! It's what she wanted to do so I just hope she's ok, recovers well and gets to where she can eat actual food. I love eating too much to go thru something like that but more power to her. She was going to maybe come in March but idk if she still is. We talked about it but she thinks we are mad at her. We're not. We just don't understand why she felt she had to do it. It's her life, her body, was her decision. She's going to Louisville which is 3 hrs from her and then maybe come here or vice versa. It's 5 hrs to here from Louisville or 6.5 from her house. So her coming from Louisville is like driving from her house almost. The older she gets the more I worry about her being out on the roads. Like I did you. I was always so worried about you when you would come here alone and then leave for home. I would check and re-check my phone for the message from mom that you got home safely. I would have never forgiven myself if something had happened to you coming or going from my house. Guess God was the only one who knew that you would go away so close to your house. What, like less than 5 miles? I think you knew that it was about your time. You would always talk about it, that it was your last birthday and then when I had that dream days before it happened, I should have known it was about to happen. Still wish it hadn't. Every single day. Mom said she's wants to live a quality life and live as long as grandma did. I told her that's not her decision, it's His.
Guess what? I finally got my books for assistant manager. No really! I'm excited but it looks so daunting. So many more books to do. I didn't get a chance to talk to Missy today and find out her timeline on it and if I might be moved to another store or if we can even afford to have a 2nd salary manager cuz I'm NOT going to another store. I'll stay a shift manager if I might have to move. I love the convenience of where work is, I love the ppl I work with (most of them) and love working there. Does it make me a loser that I love my fast food job? LOL. I've done so many things in my life but who knew I'd be happy working fast food? I guess God did. It just took me a while to get where I am with the eighty-eleven jobs I've had. Letcha know how it goes.
Me n Joe are great of course. Just love him to pieces. Some times I have to pinch myself that it's me in this awesome relationship with this terrific guy who loves me so much. To come from where I was for so long to this is like a total 360.  They are short handed on cooks at his work so he's been having to run the whole kitchen by himself lately. He gets home at night and is so tired. I appreciate how hard he works for us. He's amazing. He's absolutely nothing like dumdum and I am so thankful for that. He helped me clean up the apartment before he went to work the other night so I wouldn't have anything to do while he was gone. Sweet, huh? I got so lucky with him daddy. I feel myself push back some cuz I'm so scared I'm just in a dream and he's maybe not real. He sure feels real though. :)  I guess I'll go for now. Love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

February 11

Hi papa.. well, she gone and done it dad. She says she's doing great. I hope she really is. Aunt Norma is with her. I'm not sure what I think. I'm not sure what to say to her.  I'm upset she did it but its what she wanted to do so I hope everything is going good and stays that way. Still don't get why at 66 she felt she needed to do it when she was losing weight going to the gym. "Because I wanted to do it for over 20 years" just doesn't sound right. There's things I wanted to do for years but haven't and all is still right in my world. Maybe it's some bucket list thing. I don't know many ppl who have, "Have 85% of my stomach removed" as a bucket list kinda thing but who knows. Stranger things have happened, right? Maybe she's having a later life thing.  I still think something is going on with her she doesn't want to face or admit. She's changed so much lately. She's like a different person. Maybe it's just hard for me to see mom not as mom. Not doing the things she used to do. The things she talked about doing when she was planning her retirement. I'm happy she's living her life, doing things she wants to do, I guess I just don't understand all of them. Not that I have to. I just feel like an outsider, like everything is a big secret from me and I feel way outta the loop. I have for a long time now.  
I don't know a whole lot. Work is going OK. We had our SER yesterday and we passed. I was so scared when the lady showed up. My heart about beat outta my chest. I called the troops in and we did OK. We missed a few things we shouldn't have but we passed and Missy was happy. She told the lady I was training to be assistant manager. I was like HUH?! in my head. I mean, I guess I am but when I actually hear her say it, it still kinda shocks me. I just wanna tell her to not say such things out loud. I want assistant manager. I guess I just don't feel fully ready to take on the responsibility plus I'm worried how it'll affect Josh since he's been there so long. He doesn't want it but he does know more than I do. Guess I worry he will try running over me. I'm trying to learn all he knows so I can step into things when it's time with the confidence that I can. I know I can. Its just learning all I need to, to be prepared. I'm gonna get there though dad. I hope I make ya proud even though you're not here.
Joe is working. He went in at 3. They told him they were closing at 6 cuz we have some weather moving in but he's still there. Guess they changed their minds. We need the money so it's all good. They are about to work him to death though. The new shift leader cuts way too many ppl and it always leaves Joe in the kitchen closing alone and they are still really busy and he has everything to still do to go home. I told him he should talk to the GM and see what can be done cuz that's just not right to leave him with so much to do by himself. He works so hard. He's a good man daddy. Takes good care of your baby girl.  I enjoy every minute we spend together. Every single one. He is an absolute blessing to me. :) I still think it was a God n daddy thing I got him. So thanks again for sending him this way. He's made me nothing but happy since day 1. :)
Oh yeah, the weather. We're supposed to get up to 5 inches of snow and ice too. They've closed most of Georgia, I'm not kidding. We got like 2 inches a couple weeks ago and it paralyzed Atlanta. Kids were sleeping at their schools or stuck on buses cuz they couldn't get home. It was re-donk-Q-Less!!! Ppl suffer from chicken little syndrome around here when it comes to the weather. The mention of the "s" word and store shelves are bare, schools are closed before the first flake falls from the sky. I think the kids have been to maybe a week of school since classes resumed in January because of the weather. Just glad I don't have a school kid cuz I'd be one mad mom. I was going to get to see Bubby but he ran outta hours before he got here so he had to stop in Monteagle. He did his loads and picked up another and got outta Dodge before the weather hits. Maybe next time. Don't know nuffin else. I love you papa. Miss you so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

 I enjoyed every moment we got to spend together. 

February 4

Hi papa. Into the 2nd month of 2014 already. Time goes by too fast the older I get. I don't know a whole lot. Mom came a couple weeks ago and surprised us. She had Brian bring her and he dropped her off. He just kept telling me I had to meet him cuz he had something he needed to drop before he went on to Atlanta. I was so confused. I got there and it was mom. I was definitely surprised. I was also a little upset and didn't do a good job hiding that. I was upset because I wasn't expecting her, my guest room wasn't ready and we had no food in the house. I felt bad. I didn't mean to make her feel bad about coming. She was just here overnight then her and bubby went back home.  She said she'd never surprise us again. I certainly didn't mean to make her feel like that. 
I'm also upset that she's having the surgery. It makes me so upset daddy. Makes me wonder what is happening to my mother. She is determined to have this unnecessary surgery for what? To tuck her shirt in? She can do that now. She has been losing weight with her new diet and exercising at the gym so I just don't get why she thinks she needs to have her stomach butchered up to continue losing weight. Spend her hard earned money that she said over and over how she needed every penny for her retirement and she could use it on something else. Quilting supplies, a nice trip some place, pay off more of her house, treats for Snickee, heck.. anything besides this stupid surgery. I don't want her having this surgery to mess up our relationship. I don't know how to even begin to pretend that I'm OK with it when I'm not. I don't know how to support her on something I am so against. I can't even hum a few bars and fake it. I worry enough about her, this'll just make me worry even more. What if there's complications, what if she dies on the operating table or becomes a vegetable cuz they screw up. I know, what if.. but seriously dad, what if?!! Something is going on with her, I truly believe that. She's changed so much since you had to go. She cut off all of her hair, like super short. I was shocked. She had been saying she wanted a haircut and I thought she meant a few inches, maybe the ends of it but nope, all of it. I know, it's only hair but she's had long hair forever. It was just kinda different to see her hair gone and not on top of her head in a bun. Mom means so much to me and it makes me sad that she thinks she has to waste money to have a surgery she doesn't need to lose weight. I wouldn't consider her fat like the ppl you see who have the surgery on tv. Its like a person who has a facelift when they were beautiful before they did it and didn't need it done.  I know she went thru some things losing you, I understand that completely cuz I did too but losing your husband is different than losing your dad even when it's the same person. I know she went thru some depression losing you and being alone, but she seemed to come out of it, or she was just putting on a brave face. I don't know. I just don't get it daddy. I mean, if I told her I was going to go do something unnecessary and risky, say jump out of a plane or kiss a cobra, because I wanted to, I think she would tell me how she wouldn't and doesn't think I should and wish I didn't.  I know she would, because she's my mom and would worry about me. I wish I could get thru to her, get her to understand and not do it. I can't even be there when she has the surgery or during the aftercare. I have to be here to work plus I'm second fiddle to auntie. I became 2nd fiddle a long time ago. I guess all I can do is pray she gets thru it ok and nothing bad happens cuz she's def not listening to me or hearing me. Its not fair of me anyway to tell her what to do and I don't expect her to listen to me. I sure wish she'd reconsider though. It's going to change her life so much. More than she knows. She thinks she knows but this is going to be a game changer.
I don't know daddy. I guess since you had to go I've changed too. I've pulled back from being close to mom and the boys, to about everyone in my life, except Joe. I guess so I don't get hurt as bad when I lose someone else. Even me and Rob aren't close anymore. I cling to Joe though, he's my whole world right now. He's my happy. It'd ruin me if I lost him. You'd have to scoot over cuz I'd be on my way to see you if he had to go. Ya know that time you told me that you sometimes felt like if you went away no one would care.. I think that way too sometimes. Even though you were way wrong. Ppl care. You leaving left such a void. I could almost kick myself that it's been almost 4 years and as I type this I'm crying. Snap out of it, huh? I don't know nothing else. Work is going ok. Things around here at the apartments are going ok. Life is going good. Thanks for listening to me whine. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

January 15

Hi papa. Wish you could tell me how you are doing. Wish I could call heaven n talk to you. I'd call you every week, just like I used to. I so need to talk to you about mom. I don't know what's going on with her. I mean, she's fine but idk daddy, she's just into so many new things. Things that have me scratching my head wondering what happened to my mom. I think she's still looking for things to keep her busy so she doesn't have time to think about things. She's always found things to stay busy. Even more so since you left. She's working on becoming a chaplain. I mean, it's a noble thing to do but seems out of character for her. I mean, she's a good person, always has been, it's just odd for me to hear she's becoming a chaplain. I think of Rick or John. Not my mom. Not saying she can't do it, it's just odd for me. When she moved to Illinois she was going to find a church and be a pew sitter. shes way past pew sitter. She's still going to have that damn surgery. Still breaks my heart. Makes me worry so much about her. I just don't understand why all of this started. She says she's wanted it for 25 yrs. She wants to tuck in her shirt. I just don't understand why she can't just change her diet and keep going to the gym. She was supposed to retire and have fun. Not start a new life. She has me more concerned for her than before she retired. I just don't wanna lose her daddy. I don't think I could handle losing her anytime soon. 

Me n Joe are doing good. He still makes me so very happy. He treats me like a queen. I still at times have a hard time accepting that he truly loves me and wants nothing but my happiness. S never wanted that, never was good to me like Joe is. I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man loving me. I thank the good Lord above for Joe everyday. He is one of my greatest blessings. 

Work is going ok. Have SERs coming up. Hate them, we clean, prepare and wait forever for the person to show up. It's somebody new too. Hear they are more thorough than who we had before. Just hope it goes well whenever it is. Things around here are meh. We have some tenants who have been letting her family stay with them and I've told them repeatedly they can't be there. Denny wrote up something for us to give him saying he's in default of his lease and they must leave. They haven't been home today to deliver it. I'm a little worried about what'll happen after we deliver it. The stepdad is a real jackass. We think he broke my antenna off my car. Can't prove it though. I also have a broken windshield. Last week coming back from Rome I was following a semi and he kicked up a rock and it hit my windshield. Can't afford to fix it so it'll have to wait. 

Don't know much else. I still miss you terribly. Wish you were here. The world's gone crazier since you left but I'm sure you're able to see all that from Heaven. Guess I'll go. I love you daddy (forehead kiss). Talk to you in a little bit. 

 Love you so much dad.

January 9

Happy birthday daddy. Wish you were here. I'd have sent you a sappy card and idk what else. I had court today for my bankruptcy. It went ok I guess. Now I just wait for my discharge. I was so nervous  about going. Joe said to think of it like divorcing my debt. I suppose but it didn't help. I was still nervous. Don't know much else. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. 

Made you this...

January 4

Happy new year daddy. It's now 2014. We're actually getting some winter weather. Saying rain changing to snow tomorrow night. Yuck. I'm doing ok. Me and Joe are great. Daddy, you'd have loved Joe for so many reasons but mainly how he loves your daughter. When I get home from work at night the house is clean, leaving me nothing to do and I find a note, a sweet romantic note, from him somewhere in the apartment. I've never been loved like Joe loves me and I adore it and him. You would have so approved of him. Heck, he'd have been your sidekick if we lived closer. Y'all like about all the same things. If only daddy. 

I go to the creditors meeting on Thursday. What would have been your 70th birthday, so I know you'll be with me. I'm a little nervous about it but it is what it'll be. Hold my hand that day, k? 

Ok dad, let's talk about the elephant in the middle of the room. You visited me in my dreams again last night. It was such a vivid dream, like I could reach out and touch you. I was confused though, I didn't understand why you were walking with those others in a line with the hoods on their heads. 

(Dream recap: We were some where with big pillars and like a huge court house, I kept asking anyone passing me if they made a decision yet, if they were going to let you leave and no one would answer me. Then you come around the corner in this line with these other men with their hands tied and hoods on their heads but you didn't have your hands tied or a hood. You saw me and we both smiled and you said, Hey kid! Glad you made it, tell your mother I'm ready for her to come home to me. And then you said, look at this. And you unbuckled your overalls and raised your shirt and showed me these awful bruises on your back. I asked where you got the bruises but then I woke up before you could tell me.)  Daddy, it was so real. You looked so different without your beard but those blue eyes were a sight to see. I laid in bed a few minutes trying to figure out where you got the bruises, maybe your accident? I don't know. I can only pray you come back tonight or real soon. Your welcome in my dreams anytime. I know you're ready for mom but can you wait a little longer? I'm not ready for her to go, maybe you know something we don't. Makes me feel even more against her having her surgery she doesn't need. Oh daddy. :( 

Don't know much else. I'll tell mom what you said, I love you so. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. XoxoxoX

December 30

Hi Papa.. It's been a day. That's for sure. Idiot coworkers, idiot customers, idiot ex husband, idiot tenants. Grrrr.. having a Monday yes I am. Let's start with coworkers, there's this guy I work with that is also a mgr and he half asses things all the time but gets away with it cuz he's been there so long. Just irks me, nothing I can do about it but be irked so I shall be. Idiot customers, old dude comes in and orders fish, slaw and hushpuppies, I ring up a 1pc fish with slaw and extra pups. He said, I wanted 2 fish after I total it out and give him his change, I tell him it's 1.81 for the other fish, he says he wants it on one ticket so I have to do a void to get it on one ticket. The way I rang it, his total was 5.43 then changing it so its all on one ticket made it 6.02, I promise you old dude, I don't care if it costs you more cuz I tried to save you money to begin with and you didn't apparently want me to so it is what it is. Deal with it. Idiot Ex, I call to tell him I'm wiring Rob's birthday money and he says OK we'll pick it up tonight, get me the confirmation number and we'll go do it.. I do it, call to give it to him and he's asleep.. for the night and it's 630 in Utah right now. Grrrrr.. I also put the wrong payout location when I did it so I had to call and change it to Utah so he could get his money. So hopefully it'll work out. I also called Krispy Kreme out there and ordered him 20 donut holes and a large chocolate milk. Hopefully dumdum doesn't screw that up for me. And our idiot tenants.. just some I'd LOVE to see leave. Just the usual BS from them. I loathe when its time for rent to be paid and all the sorted crap stories we get every month from the same ones. It's irritating.
Mom found out her surgery is going to be on February 10th. Oh daddy. I'm so not happy about it but it is her body and her decision. I wish she could see what a beautiful person she is and how much she DOESN'T need to do the stupid surgery. I was really hoping and praying that her going to the gym would be enough for her to lose the weight she thinks she needs to lose. She weighs less than me dad. And I would never ever do that surgery. Ever. I don't like this spot and that spot on me but Joe loves every bit of me, fat or not. He makes me feel beautiful even though the rest of the world doesn't see me that way. I know that losing weight, being a certain weight, is a personal thing and I'm not knocking her for wanting to lose weight but I just don't think surgery is her answer and I can't believe the doctor would OK this. If she was 2 tons of fun and couldn't walk and talk at the same time, I'd say yeah mom go for it but she's not. She's 66 years old, should be enjoying her retirement and she's just getting into the swing of things, she should be doing fun things like the cruise she went on and going places with Auntie, her quilting. Not fretting about what she weighs. It just makes me so sad and makes me wonder what's going thru her head. The WHY, I mean a good reason why. I told her I'd put a smile on and fake it but daddy, that's gonna be hard. Makes me wanna cry. I wanted to go up to help her after she had the surgery but it'll be Valentine's weekend and I wanna be with Joe on Valentine's day. She said Auntie will be there and that's good but I wanted to be there too. I think I'm gonna go eat a worm.
A couple more hours and my Joey will be home. I wish you were around so I could really talk to you. I need a daddy hug today in the worst way. I saw a tanker today and it just hit me out of no where and I was tearing up. I miss you papa so much. A girl I work with her dad left her mom and them and he sends the girls a good morning text everyday to try to stay connected to them.. she said she could care less. If she only knew how much I wish I could get a good morning text from my dad everyday. There are some ppl who wish they could have what she doesn't appreciate. I love you dad. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.