November 22

Happy Thanksgiving dad. Didn't have the regular turkey fare. We had Salisbury steak n mashed potatoes. I felt so bad that I couldn't make the traditional dinner for Joe but he was ok with what we had. It was just the being together that mattered to him. Me too. How was your day? I can only imagine the spread they have in Heaven. Money is stupid tight for us. We have like $6 bux left until we get paid. Have to take Joe to Dunlap Tuesday for his court date. He's done some work around the apts to make some money. Will take money off the rent which is good. Don't really know much today. Kinda bummed today. Just wanted to tell ya happy turkey day. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) talk to ya in a little but.

November 18

Hey papa. My computer died on me so have to do this on my iPad. Anyway, I got my job back at Krystal. I got moved to a different one but so far it's not bad. The crew definitely needs direction but I'm up to the task. I asked this one kid working yesterday to do this n that...the stuff he needed to so he could leave and you'd think I asked him something major. He was not happy with me but I'm there to manage, not make friends. The crew have a habit of clocking out when their time is up without even asking if they can go. That is soooo gonna stop, especially when I have to take over the shift. Joe is supposed to get moved over there with me but idk when. Hopefully soon. I've been getting my crew outta there about 20 minutes after close but with Joe, heck, we may be outta there even sooner. Robin is my new boss. So far, I think she's ok. I hear she pays dirty though. Idk, I hope not. So over the drama that was at East Ridge. She tells me my closes have been great. I know that opinion may not last but I'll take the compliments for now.
Money is still crazy tight. I know it's my own fault. We're not gonna have a Thanksgiving dinner cuz we don't have the money. Joe says he understands but I know he's disappointed. Makes me feel so bad. We won't even have enough to pay bills next payday. Idk what we'll do but can only pay what we can pay. I just can pray that check gets issued soon. Mom said its in the judges hands now but hopefully he'll sign off on it like already and it gets sent out next week. Hey, a girl can dream... And pray! I never shoulda quit but I did. Just thankful I was given another chance. Now I just need to run with it and make the best of it.
Shaun is still being his Jekyll n Hyde self. Thursday Rob met with his new counselor and after he got back I guess he was upset so he went for a walk. I had called and asked to talk to Rob and Shaun said he was out walking. I went and found Robbie and we went and parked in a parking lot and talked. He said he misses his 'mommy' and doesn't understand why me and Shaun can't stop being so immature and get back together. He doesn't like Shaun's new cow girlfriend and daughter living there which I can understand. Rob said he didn't like her there and so S threatened to kick Rob out cuz of it. I think S needs to be thinking of Rob too, not just how he feels and his own selfish wants. We've told Rob countless times he's welcome to stay with us but he wants to stay at the house. Plus he doesn't like Joe. I keep telling him Joe is a good man but he doesn't like him cuz he took me away from him and Shaun. I guess I just don't get how at 18 he's not comprehending how things work out and acts like he's still 6 and thinks we'll be apart for a while but work things out and get back together. Sorry Rob, soooo not happening this time.
The divorce is Wednesday and I'm looking forward to it. Seems wrong almost to be looking forward to it but I'm finally there, to that point, that I'm so over it point. I just wish Rob was handling it better. He acts like me being happy is wrong. Shaun told him I abandoned him and he believes it. I wish Shaun could just be a dad and not this massive ass he's been as of late and poison Rob with his BS. Think that's all I know right now. Guess I'll go for now. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss). Talk to you later.

November 3

Hey papa.. Don't really have much to tell ya but I wish you were here. I need a daddy hug. Everything is OK.. just missing you. Still haven't found a job. Joe is still being supportive and telling me to hang in there and it's no big deal but it screams BIG DEAL to me. Hindsight is 20/20. If I hadn't let my temper get the best of me and say to heck with it I'd still be gainfully employed but I didn't and I did so here I am. I've always worked so not working.. having such a hard time finding work is hard for me. It's hard for me to sit still. I've checked about every avenue to find a job too. Just unbelievable it's so hard to find work this close to the holidays. Just have to stay positive even though it's hard to sometimes. I feel so guilty when I have to take Joe to work and I come back home and do next to nothing. He said he's had someone to take care of him for so long that it's nice to have someone to take care of. He is absolutely the best thing ever to happen to me.. besides being Rob's mom. I'm holding on to him tight. He is a jewel and I'm not gonna let him get away. He got a part time gig here at the apartments. The landlord called him today and asked him if he would be willing to do the maintenance around here because Jeter is in jail and probably will be for a while. He said absolutely. He's so handy so he's gonna do great. He's made our apartment so nice. Livable, homey, comfortable. Just having him here makes it a home. I'm sure if you were around you'd tell me I gush on so much about my Joe. Daddy, you woulda loved him. Oh, wanted to say thank you for putting the bug in God's ear about getting him sent to me. He has been nothing but a blessing since the day he walked into my life. Mom said you musta sent him cuz you knew I deserved better than Shaun. Funny how I lived so blindly for so many years thinking I was happy. No sir!! This is Happiness!!! 
I guess I have a piece of paper coming to sign that says I approve of the settlement and won't go back and try to get more. There isn't a monetary amount that could ever replace you and we all know this.. but what mom did get, what we'll get helps me to know that yeah, they admit their guy was at fault as we also all know. I don't know if the insurance company was for like all the ppl involved or just the truck company. It's sad to know that someone, especially someone as wonderful as you, had to lose their life before they cut the trees back on that corner. Maybe if they hadn't been there you'd still be here. But still the guy shouldn't have been on that road and shouldn't have been driving as fast as he was.. then try to say you hit him.. nay nay I say!! Nay Nay!! Some ppl have said that us kids don't deserve anything because we didn't suffer a loss like mom did and because we're adults. That we shouldn't accept anything and give it back to mom. I don't know, I wasn't expecting to get as much as we will but I feel I did suffer a loss.. I lost my father, my best friend, my house, 3 months of wages, my job. I couldn't function for a while there when we first lost you. To hear those words, "Mindy I'm so sorry you're dad was in an accident and got killed." It ripped my heart outta my chest. I know mom's loss was different but also the same. She lost her husband, her lover, her confidante, her best friend, her normality. She also suffered monetary loss losing your income but she was able to make herself go right back to work.. I don't know how cuz I sure couldn't. So hopefully, this settlement will help with some closure to that part for all of us but it will never take away the loss of you. You are always in my heart and my thoughts. I still feel you around when I'm doing things. When I smell diesel fuel I think of you and smile. When I see an older guy in overalls and a plaid long sleeve shirt, I see you. I have your pictures all over my apartment. Joe is OK with it, which even if he wasn't, he would be. He told me if you were around he'd thank you for me cuz w/o you there'd be no me. He is absolutely amazing dad. Guess I'll go. I love you daddy. I miss you so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

October 25

Hey papa.. how y'all are?? Gosh I miss you. It's been 123 weeks since you left. There are still days I wish I could just call you, talk to you, listen to your stories about your day, tell you I love you one more time. I guess I'm doing OK. Just a little bummed right now. I quit my job on Friday and am having no luck finding a new job. My boss chewed me out in front of the other employees and I just felt it was way outta line. Kinda the straw that broke this camel's back. Being part of the mgmt team she shoulda pulled me aside and talked to me. I have a hard enough time with some of those idiots in there, didn't need her giving them more to laugh at me about. Plus I don't agree with a lot of the BS going on around there. Mgmt has no say, the inmates run the asylum as mom would say. She lets them do about anything they want and when you try to say anything to them they run to her and whine and then I get chewed out for trying to do my job. Just ridiculous BS. Almost considered crawling back to ask for my job, hell, any job but I don't need to be treated like that or deserve to be. Joe said he'd have been pissed if I had stayed. He has been so great about me quitting. Shaun woulda flat freaked out, he'd still be yelling at me about it. Joe said he wishes he made enough to take care of me and I could stay at home. I so appreciate the thought but I'd go crazy. It's only been a week but I feel so useless and worthless and feel so bad when he has to go to work and here I sit. I've filled out so many apps and no response yet. When I check on them I get we'll call you if we're interested or we're not hiring right now. So.. hmmm.. I don't know dad. I'll just keep trying I guess.
Mom had the mediation today. I don't know specifics but I guess it went OK. The insurance lady didn't show up but I guess things got settled. Mom said us kids will get something. I'm surprised. Pleased but surprised. I'd really much rather just have you. Wish that could have been an option. Have you come back and stay forever, really, really be immortal this time. I know mom wishes that could happen too. No amount of money could ever replace you. I don't know what I'll do with what I get. Keep it on the DL for sure. Try my best to hold onto it. I do have a few bills to get paid. But hold on to the majority of it. Brian said he's gonna buy a laptop. Nah.. I don't want anything like that. Don't really need anything frivolous. I'd like a new ring but I know in time, I'll get one. I hawked the one Shaun gave me. LOL, I know!!
Joe and I are doing good. He makes me so insanely happy. I know you woulda liked him. He takes very good care of your baby girl. I never knew it was possible to be as happy as I am with him. He makes me laugh, smile, feel good about myself, feel secure about the future and feel so loved and wanted. I just feel like I'm walking on clouds when I'm around him. Brings a smile to my face just thinking about him. Shaun never did that. He is such a good man and I don't know dad.. I just feel he's right where I'm supposed to be and where I wanna stay until the good Lord brings me home. He has been such a blessing to me. I was drawn to him and I think that was how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to meet him and am elated I did. (insert long, happy sigh here) :)
I don't know much else except I'm bored right now. My "friend" just msg'd me and asked me to come pick her up but I can't. Don't think I should even if I could. Found some stuff out about her that I didn't know and not sure I like that side of her. Rob has his evaluation next week. The first part of it. Guess it's in 4 parts. I am concerned they are gonna say he's bipolar and worried if he gets on social security he's gonna end up exactly like Shaun.. can't get him to do anything right now so don't see what good social security will do for him except help him pay for his meds he will probably need. He has zero motivation to do anything. So yeah.. apple didn't fall far from that tree which makes me sad cuz Rob is such a smart kid and has so much potential to do something great. When Shaun and I were talking about getting back together in 2004 he gave me the Rob needs me speech. The as he gets older he's gonna need me around speech.. uh, yeah.. we see how that turned out. If only I coulda met Joe years ago, who would Rob be now? I think if I had met Joe when I was 18 instead of Shaun my life would have been so different. Who knows how many kids we would have had.. glad though I just have Rob. Just thankful I met him at all cuz I've been nothing but happy since. Guess I'll go. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

October 8

Hey papa... how are you this evening? I am doing OK. I got to see mom Thursday and Snickee too.. it was GREAT to see them both! I gave Snickers a bath, boy, he needed one. He was one dirty dog but so happy after his bath. :) Mom has let his hair grow some, like he was when you got him.. he looks cute. Mom said she was gonna take him to Carol when she got home. He needs his nails trimmed but with winter coming the longer coat may help him some to stay warm. Mom looks good too. I think she's doing better daddy. Never over it but through it. (you never get over it, but through it -- my grief counselor told me that) We may be at some conclusion to your case soon and that is a relief. Closure would be nice. Even if we end up with nothing, which I don't believe we will get nothing, it will be nice to just have to stop worrying and wondering what is going on with the case. Mom has pushed her retirement back from her birthday to the beginning of January cuz Chris has to have surgery again and she's needed at the store. Lately she's just been watching Netflix most of the day at work.. sounds rough, huh? LOL!! 
Snick seemed to really like Joe, so Joe passed the Snickee test and mom liked him too. She asked me why I couldn't have found Joe first... I know, right?! I think Joe is amazing. He's the bees knees!! Hehehe. Joe even liked mom, said she's like a mom. Observant, isn't he? He said she's seems really cool. He has no idea how cool my mom is. :) She took a picture of us when we went to eat, I love it. He never smiles in his pics and he's smiling in this one. He is wonderful. Mom said she noticed I didn't cry when she left this time. She thinks maybe cuz I have Joe, that I feel safe with him, and she can tell I'm happy. I'm so happy daddy. We are gonna go up to Illinois in November to lay a floor for her. I'm looking forward to that. A couple days away from here will be nice. Put down a big bowl of cat food and make sure the litter box is clean and they can get to water. No worrying about a dog or a kid or anything.. just being together. Together is what we like. When we have to leave each other we always say how much we hate being apart.. yep, must be love! And I hope that feeling lasts forever. 
Talked to Rob last night, he said that Shaun thinks I'm a gold digger. Excuse me while I laugh my butt off over that one. He thinks I'm going to take Rob's money if he should get on social security. Being Rob's rep payee. I don't want or need Rob's money. I told Rob his options of who he could get if he didn't want me and he said he's picking me and Shaun can stuff it. He also told me Shaun's new girlfriend is a mess. Said that one day every thing is good with them and the next she's "going off the chain" and doesn't talk to Shaun for a few days. LOL!!! I am so happy he's happy. (chuckle) He wanted me to meet him at the bank the other day to get his papers for the divorce notarized and I told him I wanted to read them first and he said he didn't have time for me to read them. I told him I wasn't signing anything until I got to read it. I met him over at his place and read them. Didn't sign anything, he came and took the papers from me and went back inside and shut the door. Needless to say, the papers didn't get notarized that day. I don't know when they will.. hopefully soon. My forever is pretty perfect and I'm just gonna go on with that for now. Soon as I have my 103.75 I will gladly give it to whomever to pay my 1/2 of filing and good riddance Mr. Evans. Hello, Mr. Burris, my happily ever after!! I need to go for now. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit!

September 30

Hey papa... it's the craziest feeling being happy all of the time now. I think I rather enjoy it. It's been a crazy month. Shaun and I have had a complete falling out. He doesn't even want me to talk to him anymore. He told me Thursday he wants a divorce because he's met some girl online and she won't get serious with him until he's divorced. More power to him. I want a divorce myself. Was planning on filing when I got paid this week anyway. I don't know what happened to make things implode like they did. He's now calling me names and telling me things like I was the biggest mistake of his life and a waste of his time. Told me that the only reason he slept as much as he did when I was around was to get away from me. Telling me I was a bad wife and mother. That I abandoned Rob. HA!! First of all dad.. Rob is 18. Almost 19. I did not abandon him. I could see that if he was like 10 or something. I invited Rob to come with me when I left. Told him I'd have a place for him. He chose to stay with Shaun. So nope, I didn't abandon my adult son. Rob and Shaun are pretty much suited for one another anyway. They are both miserable it seems and neither has the motivation to want to do anything so they sit in their stew of bleck they brewed up on their own. I, on the other hand, wish to be happy and enjoy myself and since I met Joe I've done nothing but be happy and enjoy myself. Just the thought of him makes me smile dad. I never, ever felt this way about Shaun. I think you'd really like him. He is nothing like Shaun, at all. He is quite the handy man, can fix anything, does woodwork, keeps a meticulously clean house and he loves your daughter. Truly loves me. He is so good to me dad. He takes such wonderful care of me. Shaun never cared for me like Joe does. Never was concerned for me like Joe is. Never cared if I was happy or not. Joe wants nothing more than to make me happy and oh, how he does. I wish you were around to meet him. He totally respects how much you meant to me, how much your things I have mean to me. He didn't have a good relationship with his dad but he knows how much you meant to me. The other day he made me this while I was at work. Kewl, huh? It's on a mirror. He etched it into the glass, freehand. He is so amazing to me dad. 

  

I don't know much else. I don't have any regrets about leaving Shaun, not even one. I know I made the right decision and it's what I want. I do miss Rob, getting his hugs all the time but I almost wonder sometimes if having me around all the time was a help or a hindrance to him. I did my job of raising him, now it's his turn to see what he can make of his life. I wish he wanted to find a job, just something to do besides sit in front of his computer all the time and talk to his online "friends" and hide in his dank room.

Mom will be here on Thursday. I can't wait to see her. Hate being so far from her, being able to get a mom hug whenever I need one. Although, usually, the mom hugs were for having a bad day. Can't think of a bad day I've had since I met Joe. Not saying I don't need mom hugs still cuz I always will but Joe is pretty close to perfect to me. He and I are so in tune it's almost scary but oh so wonderful. Mom will just be here for the day, over night, then she has to go back to Illinois. She's on vacation this week. I think she's working on getting her new place together, idk exactly. She's bringing Snickee Pickles with her!!! Yay! Can't wait to see him too!! The other day she called and told me he was missing. Daddy, I cried like he was dead. Joe told me to not over react and think positive. 20 minutes later when mom called to tell me Snick was back I felt stupid but Snick was worth every one of those tears. Okey dokey. Think ima go. I love you dad.. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit.

September 11

Hey papa.. today is 9/11. 11 years ago the towers fell, the world changed a little bit more. I remember what I was doing that day. I'm sure you do too. Today is also Shaun's grandson's 2nd birthday. He's such a cutie pie. Shaun is hoping to be able to go out to Utah and see him soon. I hope that works out for him. Well, man where do I start?! .. a LOT has changed since my last post. I hope you are sitting down. I left Shaun, for good. I just decided I had enough. Enough of his mood swings, enough of his insecurity, enough of feeling inferior to him, enough of feeling more like a care taker than a wife and equal partner to him. Feeding him his pills like a little bird cuz he's too lazy to go get them and take them like a responsible adult. Enough of feeling unappreciated, feeling like no matter how much I did for him it was never enough. I decided that life is too short to be miserable and I just want to be happy.. well daddy.. I am now HAPPY!!! The first step was hard, the deciding to do it, the deciding how to do it and after I figured that out the rest has been messy but also very OK. I felt a little guilty at first for wanting to do this for myself but got over that real quick.

I got a new place. It's a roach infested apartment but it's a place to stay. It's affordable but so many roaches. It's totally disgusting and we've sprayed sooooo much stuff. It's not helping at all. When I get paid next week I'm going to get some boric acid. Gonna get rid of them one way or another!!!

There is also a new guy in my life, now before you go thinking I left Shaun for him, that's not entirely the case. I left because I was unhappy. Felt trapped. Felt like I didn't belong there. Anyway, his name is Joe. He is absolutely amazing. He's made me happier in a month then Shaun did in 20 years. He does every little bitty thing I ask of him, pampers me like a princess. He painted my toe nails last week. Shaun never ever woulda done that for me. He keeps a very clean house and can also fix about anything that's broken. He's 47. He's a little shorter than me but that's OK. He loves me and wants to spend the rest of forever with me. I think I'm game for that. I know it's only been a month, its been a whirlwind, but I just feel this energy when I'm with him, I feel alive again. Feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. You know how when I was growing up mom would tell me that God puts people along your path of life for a reason. I think there is a huge reason Joe was put in my path. Right now, I'm enjoying every minute of him. He makes me feel pretty and wants nothing more than to make me happy. With Shaun, I just knew he loved me.. with Joe, I know he does and he takes the time to show me how much every day. I think you'd like him. He's NOTHING at all like Shaun. 

Rob decided to stay with Shaun. More like stay in the house. He loves that place. It is a nice house but it wasn't mine. He's not handling me being gone very well. I look at that in a couple of ways. He's 18, he needs to learn to deal.. and I know with his Asperger's that he doesn't like change. He's just going to have to come to terms with it though cuz things aren't going back to the way they were. I don't know much else. I miss you. I know that. Work is going OK. Like being a shift leader some days more than others but overall not a bad position. Guess I'll go for now. I love you dad. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.