September 30

Hey papa... it's the craziest feeling being happy all of the time now. I think I rather enjoy it. It's been a crazy month. Shaun and I have had a complete falling out. He doesn't even want me to talk to him anymore. He told me Thursday he wants a divorce because he's met some girl online and she won't get serious with him until he's divorced. More power to him. I want a divorce myself. Was planning on filing when I got paid this week anyway. I don't know what happened to make things implode like they did. He's now calling me names and telling me things like I was the biggest mistake of his life and a waste of his time. Told me that the only reason he slept as much as he did when I was around was to get away from me. Telling me I was a bad wife and mother. That I abandoned Rob. HA!! First of all dad.. Rob is 18. Almost 19. I did not abandon him. I could see that if he was like 10 or something. I invited Rob to come with me when I left. Told him I'd have a place for him. He chose to stay with Shaun. So nope, I didn't abandon my adult son. Rob and Shaun are pretty much suited for one another anyway. They are both miserable it seems and neither has the motivation to want to do anything so they sit in their stew of bleck they brewed up on their own. I, on the other hand, wish to be happy and enjoy myself and since I met Joe I've done nothing but be happy and enjoy myself. Just the thought of him makes me smile dad. I never, ever felt this way about Shaun. I think you'd really like him. He is nothing like Shaun, at all. He is quite the handy man, can fix anything, does woodwork, keeps a meticulously clean house and he loves your daughter. Truly loves me. He is so good to me dad. He takes such wonderful care of me. Shaun never cared for me like Joe does. Never was concerned for me like Joe is. Never cared if I was happy or not. Joe wants nothing more than to make me happy and oh, how he does. I wish you were around to meet him. He totally respects how much you meant to me, how much your things I have mean to me. He didn't have a good relationship with his dad but he knows how much you meant to me. The other day he made me this while I was at work. Kewl, huh? It's on a mirror. He etched it into the glass, freehand. He is so amazing to me dad. 

  

I don't know much else. I don't have any regrets about leaving Shaun, not even one. I know I made the right decision and it's what I want. I do miss Rob, getting his hugs all the time but I almost wonder sometimes if having me around all the time was a help or a hindrance to him. I did my job of raising him, now it's his turn to see what he can make of his life. I wish he wanted to find a job, just something to do besides sit in front of his computer all the time and talk to his online "friends" and hide in his dank room.

Mom will be here on Thursday. I can't wait to see her. Hate being so far from her, being able to get a mom hug whenever I need one. Although, usually, the mom hugs were for having a bad day. Can't think of a bad day I've had since I met Joe. Not saying I don't need mom hugs still cuz I always will but Joe is pretty close to perfect to me. He and I are so in tune it's almost scary but oh so wonderful. Mom will just be here for the day, over night, then she has to go back to Illinois. She's on vacation this week. I think she's working on getting her new place together, idk exactly. She's bringing Snickee Pickles with her!!! Yay! Can't wait to see him too!! The other day she called and told me he was missing. Daddy, I cried like he was dead. Joe told me to not over react and think positive. 20 minutes later when mom called to tell me Snick was back I felt stupid but Snick was worth every one of those tears. Okey dokey. Think ima go. I love you dad.. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit.

September 11

Hey papa.. today is 9/11. 11 years ago the towers fell, the world changed a little bit more. I remember what I was doing that day. I'm sure you do too. Today is also Shaun's grandson's 2nd birthday. He's such a cutie pie. Shaun is hoping to be able to go out to Utah and see him soon. I hope that works out for him. Well, man where do I start?! .. a LOT has changed since my last post. I hope you are sitting down. I left Shaun, for good. I just decided I had enough. Enough of his mood swings, enough of his insecurity, enough of feeling inferior to him, enough of feeling more like a care taker than a wife and equal partner to him. Feeding him his pills like a little bird cuz he's too lazy to go get them and take them like a responsible adult. Enough of feeling unappreciated, feeling like no matter how much I did for him it was never enough. I decided that life is too short to be miserable and I just want to be happy.. well daddy.. I am now HAPPY!!! The first step was hard, the deciding to do it, the deciding how to do it and after I figured that out the rest has been messy but also very OK. I felt a little guilty at first for wanting to do this for myself but got over that real quick.

I got a new place. It's a roach infested apartment but it's a place to stay. It's affordable but so many roaches. It's totally disgusting and we've sprayed sooooo much stuff. It's not helping at all. When I get paid next week I'm going to get some boric acid. Gonna get rid of them one way or another!!!

There is also a new guy in my life, now before you go thinking I left Shaun for him, that's not entirely the case. I left because I was unhappy. Felt trapped. Felt like I didn't belong there. Anyway, his name is Joe. He is absolutely amazing. He's made me happier in a month then Shaun did in 20 years. He does every little bitty thing I ask of him, pampers me like a princess. He painted my toe nails last week. Shaun never ever woulda done that for me. He keeps a very clean house and can also fix about anything that's broken. He's 47. He's a little shorter than me but that's OK. He loves me and wants to spend the rest of forever with me. I think I'm game for that. I know it's only been a month, its been a whirlwind, but I just feel this energy when I'm with him, I feel alive again. Feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. You know how when I was growing up mom would tell me that God puts people along your path of life for a reason. I think there is a huge reason Joe was put in my path. Right now, I'm enjoying every minute of him. He makes me feel pretty and wants nothing more than to make me happy. With Shaun, I just knew he loved me.. with Joe, I know he does and he takes the time to show me how much every day. I think you'd like him. He's NOTHING at all like Shaun. 

Rob decided to stay with Shaun. More like stay in the house. He loves that place. It is a nice house but it wasn't mine. He's not handling me being gone very well. I look at that in a couple of ways. He's 18, he needs to learn to deal.. and I know with his Asperger's that he doesn't like change. He's just going to have to come to terms with it though cuz things aren't going back to the way they were. I don't know much else. I miss you. I know that. Work is going OK. Like being a shift leader some days more than others but overall not a bad position. Guess I'll go for now. I love you dad. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

August 15

Hey papa.. Today is my birthday! It's almost over but today has been a good day! For once in a long time my birthday has been a good one. Shaun tried so hard and did such a good job making my day special. We went to lunch at Red Robin. Got my public humiliation with a free sundae. We walked around the mall a little bit afterwards then came home. I opened my cards and they gave my presents. I even got presents! I got a stylus for my iPad, an apron I saw that I liked and some more bottles for our soda maker After dinner they surprised with a big chocolate cake, a very yummy chocolate cake! Brian called to tell me happy birthday..that was a shocker cuz he never remembers anyone's birthday.

My first few shifts as shift leader haven't been too bad. Friday night was overwhelming but I made it through. Been working 11-7s this week, mids we call them. Work tomorrow and all weekend. Only thing so far I don't like about the position. Found out that if I had stayed a master cashier and had been bumped back down to crew I'd be making what I did before the raise! I'd have lost $2!!! Holy Hanna potato chips dad!! We're struggling now, we'd be suffering if that had happened. Thankfully my boss gave me a hand up and saw whatever it was in me to help me to a shift leader and with her help I got my raise. The area supervisor denied it but she challenged him and he ended up approving it. Now I just gotta prove I was worth it. Think ima call it a day. It's been a great birthday thankfully, finally! Turning 40 hasn't been so bad. Hopefully 40 brings me lots more great things! Night dad! I love you! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

August 9

Hey papa!! Guess what?! I got a promotion!! :) Whoop whoop!! I was soooo nervous too.. Thought I'd puke when the DS got there. I'm gonna be a shift leader, i.e. a glorified babysitter. Hehe.. a well paid babysitter I might add. I've been training for it for about 4 weeks. I thought it was quite a long shot but Terri, my boss, and several others had faith in me. Was kinda hard to find it in myself but then I started talking to the Big Guy up there and all my worries kinda went away. Plus my boss kept telling me how easy it was... and it is. My boss is absolutely great! I love her to pieces. She's one of the best bosses I've ever had. She's blunt and to the point, pulls no punches. I call her Ma. She's only 10 yrs older than me but is like a mom to all of us. She takes good care of us. I luff her. :) She's another one of those ppl the Lord has put in my path of life and I am glad he did. 

We got Rob back home. Went and got him last weekend. It was so good to get him back.. to hug him again. I missed his hugs. I didn't miss his incessant talking about his video games nor do I care but I pretend I do. I think he knows I don't though. He's a good kid. I guess he had fun in El Dorado. Said he didn't do much but it's El Dorado. How much fun can possibly be had there? I grew up there, I know the answer to that one. He went out a couple of times with his old girlfriend from grade school, Kelsey, and she ended up breaking his heart. I felt so bad for him. He went out a few times with Mrs. G, said he had fun and it was good to see her. He and mom did some stuff too. There wasn't a lot he did that he was like overly excited about. Overall, I think he had an OK summer. He is happy to be home though. I got him some Dr. appts made. He had a dentist appt yesterday and found out that he has 3 cavities. I'm not a happy mom. But they are the same ones they filled when he got his braces on several years ago, the fillings have worn away or something and they need to be replaced. I have some like that too. I just don't have the money to get mine taken care of. Have to get Rob all taken care of by December 31 when his insurance ends. 

I wanted to get back to Kansas this summer but just couldn't afford it. Everything is so expensive, worse than when you were here. Gas is almost 3.50 a gallon. Can't go far with gas prices like that. I wanted to go to mom's house, come see you and go see my friend Maria who moved to Wichita. I don't know when I'll get back. Mom is planning on moving early spring and after she does, besides driving there to see you there won't be a real reason to go to Kansas anymore. The boys will still be there but Brian is always on the road and Richard doesn't like me. I think he just plays nice for mom. I try dad, I really do. But it hurts me to "play nice" with him when I can feel, get the vibe on how he really feels about me. He talks to me like I'm retarded or like I'm some shit he just wiped off his shoe. He says he doesn't have a problem with me but just don't quite believe him. I worry that mom will get burned again by him. She has been hurt so many times by him and says she won't let herself get hurt again but easier said then done. Just hope she's treading lightly and he's not doing it to see what he can get out of her. I'll hurt him if he hurts mom again. She said the next time she goes to Illinois will be October and I'm not invited. Uh, ok. Richard came up with the idea we take turns to be with mom. Are we suddenly 5 again?? He hurts my feelings and he won't talk to me when I try to get him to talk to me about whatever caused this riff between us in the first place. I just want my brother back, the one I grew up with, the one that used to be my best friend. He's not even nearly even close to being that person anymore. He's this pompous condescending jerk that acts as if I'm beneath him now somehow. I do love him, just having a hard time liking him right now. 

Tomorrow night I run my first shift alone. Pretty excited/nervous/scared but I'm gonna be alright. My DS gave me some advice and I'm gonna try to put it into play and see what I can make happen. Gotta keep an eye on speed of service, or SOS and make sure everything flows like it should. I got this! ;) Don't know much else. I've been up since 330am so I'm gonna call it a day. I LOVE YOU DAD!! Miss you so much!! Forehead kiss! Talk to you in a little bit.

July 11

Hey papa.. how are things?? I'm blah.. having one of those days, no week's where everything and everyone irritate the living crap outta me. I'm on vacation this week but it's like whoop-ee.. so far it's been a total dud. I was advised to take my vacation asap so I'd get paid for it at my current pay, which makes total sense but I am so bored and not really having any fun at all. We don't have the money to go anywhere or do anything. Judy said not to use the pool cuz we need to save our money cuz the electric bill is going to be high, which, duh.. I know. So, I'm just mulling about.. working on Rob's room this week. I got his stuff in his closet compacted down to 3 plastic containers and eliminated about a dozen boxes. As I was working on it, I'd come across things you had given him or cards you and mom had sent him, pics of him as a little kid.. made me cry. This week, this past week, you've been on my mind a lot and every time I cry or tear up.. idk why either. This isn't a momentous week or anything, nothing happened in the past that should be making me think of you like I am, but yet, there you are, on my mind. I'm also getting his ceiling fans replaced and going to hang up some posters he's been wanting to get framed. Mom got him some Scarface posters a couple years ago that we haven't been able to get up, cuz he wants them framed.. just never had the money or took the time to get the frames. Frames ended up costing about 12 bux a piece, who knew. We got one of the fans changed yesterday, going to do the other one today. Took us over 3 hours to change it, we were both so frustrated and hot and sweaty after. All I know is the kid had best appreciate it! Probably won't cuz most kids take for granted the kind things their parents do for them but I'll just bite my tongue and pretend that Rob does appreciate it.
I'm planning on getting Rob the weekend before my birthday. I want him here for my birthday. 40 is a big birthday. Mom said I'm only 32 so OK, my 32nd birthday is a big thing. Maybe not to any one else cuz well, honestly it never is but to me, wow.. who thought I'd ever make it to 40, er, 32! Shaun always puts little to no effort into my birthday so I'm not expecting anything for this one. I get a couple of cards but that's about it. I know my birthday isn't a national holiday but I don't know.. would like, just one time for my birthday to be special, awesome, memorable. Shaun said I'm the only one who can make my day special.. uh, gee, OK.
Oh, that 2nd job, I guess I'm not going to take it. I went that day to talk to the manager and do the paperwork but we didn't do the paperwork and she hasn't called me back yet so idk. BUT, my boss has been wanting to make me a shift leader and our area supervisor wouldn't approve it. He said that he didn't feel I had the right personality or that I could effectively discipline my coworkers if need be. That they'd run over me. Ray is no longer with Krystal so.. that opens the door for me now. Our new district supervisor and the CEO told the managers it's up the managers who they want to promote.. SO, that means I'm gonna get my shot. That's all I want, a shot. Idk if it's more money, hopefully so, but if so, not much. My manager also told me that she doesn't feel that the assistant manager is doing her job properly and if I get moved up that she'd possibly consider moving her out. Now, the problem with that is that Charlene is my friend. One of my dearest. So, I'm not on board for that. It could be that Terri was having a bitchy moment, idk.. but I'm not going oust my friend of her job. I told Terri, let me get to shift leader first and see if I can do it. I know, it's gonna mean a different shift and days off and I most likely won't get 3 days off anymore but I guess, OK, let's go for it. I can't be a cashier forever.. even though I do rather enjoy it and love my customers. Gonna suck losing that shift, those hours, not being able to see my favorite customers but gotta do what I gotta I guess.. so papa.. talk to the Big Guy about that for me.. and I will too.. that I can succeed at this. I told Terri what I'm scared of is letting her down and my coworkers hating me.. or not listening to me. She said I'm going to do fine and so what, what they think. I love my boss. She's one of the realest ppl I know, shoots from the hip, tells it like it is, doesn't sugar coat anything. Her only downfall is her huge heart. She lets her emotions get too much into her being an effective boss. But she is a good boss none the less.
We got a new puppy. I think you know that though. Last Tuesday we went and got her. A little beagle mix.. named her Chloe. She's a pill, and a trial. I saw this little one named Abby and we were gonna get her but on the way to get her the shelter called and said she was gone, I was so mad cuz we had asked them to hold her and told them we'd be there to get her. But, long story shortened... we ended up getting Chloe. Rob was against me getting a beagle puppy cuz of Little Girl. He said, if you want a dog that reminds you of grandpa, fine but I know it's gonna make you cry. So far, she hasn't. She's made me frustrated cuz she won't listen to us, frustrated she keeps pissing on the floor. One time she'll go to the door like she's supposed to and the next time she pees on the floor... ugh!! I can handle the dog crap cuz you can clean that up and the smell goes away but pee lingers and the smell never goes away even when you do clean it. I said I think you know cuz the morning after we got her, I hadn't seen the moon in days and then that morning, there it was.. there you were. You know I believe, or like to believe that when the moon shines on you it's someone in Heaven smiling down on ya. So, it was nice to see your smile again. Guess I better go, get this day 3 of my crappy vacation started. I've been up since a quarter to 5.. couldn't sleep and I had a bad headache. My headache is the same as gone. I love you dad. Miss you so. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

June 23

Hey Papa... I got thru the weekend of losing you almost unscathed.. of course there were tears but you were worth every one that fell. I heard something that goes something like, we don't ever get over losing ones so dear but we do get thru it. So, I guess I'm making it thru it cuz I'll never be over it. 

In other news of my world.. my work week was short cuz I was off on Sunday so I only had to mull thru 3 days. On Wednesday one of my regulars gave me most of the paper which included the classified ads and for some reason, call it fate, call it a God thing, I decided to actually read them on Wednesday night and saw an ad for O'Charley's. That place we went for my birthday when you came and surprised me. Something led me to fill out an application and something more convinced me to go to the hiring event. Well sir, I got the job. Yep, I got it!! Just walked in, waited patiently for my turn and walked out with the job. I was amazed. First time that has happened since we moved here. My first thought, was OH YEAH! My second was, what the heck did I just do?? Shaun was my first call, but didn't answer and mom was my second and she did. Had to tell my important ppl. I'm gonna be a hostess or shall I say, a guest assistant. Their new term. Lame but still.. hehe. I went later that day to the restaurant to talk to I guess the lady in charge of the hostesses. I was supposed to be filling out paperwork but she said that since I'm not starting until July 16 she just wanted to wait. I get a week's vacation from Krystal the 9th-15th so they are gonna make sure I get it. She said it would be silly to start me, have a week off then start again so meh.. ok. She's concerned that I will be working too hard cuz I work my 10 hrs at Krystal then will work like 5 there. What mom, heck, what female doesn't pull at least a 16 hr day?? You work all day then go home and work until you go to bed with laundry and housework and such. I think I can do it. I'm gonna talk to Terri and see if I can maybe get off at 2pm on Sundays if we are gonna continue having 3 cashiers. Then I can have a couple hrs to catch my breath before I have to go in. Its only gonna be like 20 hrs to start. I wanted to have a 2nd job or a backup one so there is something when they finally decide what is gonna happen to us at Krystal with our shirts and pay and such. I need to have that money but have no control over what they are gonna do. So, I'm CMoA.
I don't know much more. Shaun got home safely from his week with his mom. He said it was nice to see her, spend time with her. I wish I had the time and such to go see mom. I was thinking I'd go my week off but we can't afford it, the car needs tires and the tires it has I'm not sure are safe enough to get me there and back, the guys at the place we go said they have about 2 months left. I'd hate to get who knows how many miles down the road in the middle of no where and need help. That would be scary. Some country bumpkin psycho offer to help. No, thanks though. And I would feel bad when I left, leaving Bobby there. My little boo bear. I know he's 18 daddy but he is and always will be my boo bear. Plus I don't wanna go 2 or 3 times cuz we really, really can't afford that. I want to come see you, spend time with mom and Snick. I just can't. We need to see how much tires are so I can start saving for them. I know I need them. The ones I have are about 3 yrs old. Okey dokey. I guess I'll go for now. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

June 17

Hey papa.. Happy Father's Day. It's hard to even say that, ya know. I went to the store the other day and was gonna get Shaun a card for Father's Day but couldn't do it. I saw the To Dad cards and about started to cry right there. I guess I'll just make him one. He deserves a Minmark I suppose. He's not here today anyway. He's with his mom. I hope he's having a good time. Haven't bought a Father's Day card since 2010. Might not ever buy another. All those memories rush back, you had the post office card in your truck so you could pick up the package, probably that day. Still don't understand why things had to happen the way they did. Maybe I never will. No child ever wants to lose a parent and God knows I sure wasn't ready. We had a deal, didn't we?? You were supposed to be immortal and never leave. At least I always thought you were. Heartbroken to find out you weren't. OK. So what have I learned since you left. I've learned that nothing last forever. That I have to go on and try to make it day to day, so far I have. I'm slowly making progress. Doing a lot better than I was 17548 hours ago. I know, who's counting. I've learned to cherish the little things and not hold on to anger or petty crap. It's not worth it. To tell the ppl I love that I love them. Often. I remember when I was a kid and you would be getting ready to leave for work and I would say, I love you. You would say, You better! At the time, it broke my heart and I couldn't understand why you just wouldn't say I love you back. Growing up I got to understand what your growing up life was like and that grandma was never really lovey dovey so I understood.. then something happened and every time I'd say it, you'd say, I love you too baby girl. Made my heart smile. I hold that last phone call we had in my head and heart. Hold on to it tight. Last thing we said to each other was I love you. That really makes my heart smile. So daddy. Have a wonderful day. Hope you are have the most relaxing day and you are doing exactly what you want and catch a big ol' catfish! Happy Father's Day!! I love you papa.. (Forehead Kiss!!) Talk to you in a little bit. <3