March 25

Hey Papa.. how y'all are? I'm so tired. I just got home last night from being in Georgia all week with Shaun n Rob. It was great seeing them but coulda done with a lot less drama. I have to watch Marcos and Makayla with mom this weekend. Can't say I'm giddy with excitement about doing it but yay. (:|) Richard is taking Traci to Kansas City for the weekend. Why of all places would ya wanna go to KC for the weekend I don't know but he's always been weird like that. 

Anyway, my week. I left Friday night and drove to Mt Vernon and spent the night. Shaun met me there. I had to get him outta his mom's if even just for the night. We got up Saturday and drove to GA. It was so nice to see Shaun n Rob. Giving Rob that first hug since I had left. He didn't say nothing, just ran right to me and snuggled in and let me hug him and hold him a couple minutes. Yep, I teared up. We went and ate at this place we like, Don Lolo's, its a mexican restaurant and they were having karaoke night and it was so freaking loud we could barely talk. We ate part of our food and left. We were so not pleased. We then went out and found me a place to stay cuz I wasn't welcome at Judy's. Oh, let me back up a little. When I got to the house, Judy was in her room and Shaun told her I was there and she tells him to shut her door. OK fine. I guess while we were gone Judy had said to Rob that she was thinking of kicking Shaun out cuz he wanted to be with me so bad and letting Rob stay. She apparently also said that since I left she's had to replace me. Excuse me?! Heck to the No!! So after that got back to us, to Shaun, ALL HECK Exploded!! We go to eat, Rob tells us about what she said, Shaun decided he had enough of his mom's BS and decided we were going to find a place to live. We found me a place for the night. Shaun stayed with me, Rob wanted to go back to Judy's cuz his stuff is there. He's comfortable in the basement even though Judy is being Judy. He doesn't see her. All he needs is in the basement with him. Saturday morning we get up and drive around and look for places that may be available to rent. Didn't find anything. Sunday we get the paper and find a few places we were interested in but the only problem is they are all too far from Rob's school. We see an ad for a 3 bed trailer and Shaun calls about it and we get the address and go by and look at it. It's in a yucky trailer park. There's a 2 bedroom next door but it looks in worse shape then the 3 bedroom. We had to wait until Monday to be able to see the inside of it and OMG daddy. You woulda flipped. It had cat and dog poo and pee everywhere. Reeked of cigarettes. Garbage piled up all over, they had left miscellaneous things - all trash. No sir.. trash!! You woulda wanted to salvage things but there wouldn't been any way I woulda let you. Has cockroaches. It was nasty dad. But Shaun decides it's what we want. Huh?? What?? Wait a minute!!! And then I guess he tells her we'd clean it if she'd knock off the deposit. It saved us $200 so I guess that was good but daddy.. holy hanna potato chips!! Where do we even begin cleaning up the place? We go do the paperwork to rent it, give her the first month's rent and pet deposit and then go try to find him a cheap couch or bed so he has a place to sleep. We found a set down at Brian's place. He's this guy that was in business with Don, Shaun's brother. He has a used furniture store. Cut a deal with him and then went to the trailer to start cleaning it after being at the store getting cleaning supplies. Some of my days and thoughts are kinda mushed together cuz I'm still really tired. If the kids weren't coming I'd just go back to sleep. Anyhoo.. so we start cleaning and surprisingly Shaun and I worked good together. I did most of the work, of course, but things got done and the place is clean and livable again. It still smells like cigarettes but hopefully Shaun can get that under control by the time I get back in August. We took Rob over after school Monday and Tuesday night to help up clean. He actually helped too. It's not the Taj Mahal but it's a place to live and I think we can afford it. I wanted to tell you thanks. You were there papa. You helped me figure out how to get that door put on for Rob's room and appreciate you leading me in getting it done. That front room is gonna be Rob's hangout area and that door they had there didn't belong and we took it down and hung up the other one. Being your sidekick all those years helped me figure out how to get the hinges on the right way to get the door to hang the right way. As I was working on it I just thought of you. I know that if you coulda physically been there you woulda done what I did. Even though you were exhausted you woulda got it done cuz you wanted it done for him before you left. I was so tired working on it and he kept saying, take a break mom. I wouldn't stop till it was done. I said to Rob as we were working on it that grandpa woulda done this for you if he coulda been here. He said, I know mom. I miss my grandpa bear. I miss my papa bear too Rob.

The place is a ways from Rob's school. If they find out where he is living he will be kicked out of Heritage cuz it's out of "zone". A big worry, but Shaun says and told Rob to just keep our mouths shut about where it is. Hoping Rob can do that. It's like 20 minutes from there. Right now Rob is staying at Judy's until the end of next week and then when he is on spring break he will move all his stuff over there. Shaun is staying at the trailer. I had to get Shaun outta his mom's cuz she was making him physically ill dad. He had a constant headache and stomach ache being there and from when he saw me Friday night till I left yesterday he said he was feeling a lot better. That was a week outta his mom's house. He said all the stress she was causing him made him have to go to the hospital. I couldn't imagine mom making me physically ill being with her. We might not always agree but we get along great for the most part and I enjoy being with her. She's not a naggy bitch like Judy is. I am quite annoyed about our money situation cuz I went with 1800 and came home with like 25. Yep.. I can't Believe that much got used in a week. I had to get hotel rooms since I left.. well, from Friday night through Monday night and they were 35-60 a night and yes I looked for the cheapest places. Had to get all my food since I wasn't welcome at Judy's. I got Rob a new (refurbished) DS since I couldn't get him a laptop cuz we had to get the place. Had to use 725 for rent and deposit for that. Cleaning supplies. Gas for the car. The couch set. And I paid a month's worth of car insurance. Makes me wanna cry but I know that it was for the best. For Shaun's health and mental well being.  I couldn't imagine being so mad at mom that I would take the first available place I found even though my husband and child don't like it to get away from her. That's essentially what happened dad. I asked him why when I suggested we find a cheaper place before all that happened with me having to come here and them going to Judy's it wasn't a good idea and we couldn't afford it but now that things got bad with his mom it is a good idea. He said, because I couldn't see a light then. I'm starting to see a light now. Whatever. I think it just puts us basically back in the same situation for a little while, until I'm really working again at least. Shaun looks at now and I look at later and when I bring up later he just says we'll deal with it when we get there. I'm not like that. Shaun and her really haven't discussed things. He's still pretty mad at her. She is of course saying she never said those things. That if she did, she didn't mean them the way they sounded and that Rob was putting words in her mouth. My son doesn't lie. He wouldn't make up things to hurt us. To make us laugh, yeah. But not to hurt us. She was totally playing the victim in it all. It's not here or there. What's done is done. We have a place again in Georgia. Shaun is out of his mom's house. Rob will be next week. Shaun says this place is just for now. Whatever that means. Judy claims she is moving back to Florida. Wonder if she needs help packing. Not that I care. She is going to die a lonely bitter woman and it's all her own doing. Yesterday she said her dog was puking up blood and Shaun had to go over and see what was going on. He had eaten something he shouldn't have. I just hope she doesn't reel him back into her web of BS. We can't afford for him to be running over there at her every whim. Gas is almost 3.50 a gallon now. Oh, We got rid of Kechi and Danny while I was there. It was harder then I thought it would be to see Kechi go. Danny, I was like.. see ya stupid! I'm not gonna miss you! but Kechi I started to cry cuz we've had him so long. The lives they were living at Judy's were no lives for dogs. In pens or on leashes. Danny more so than Kechi but Kechi was either on the porch or if in the house he stayed on his pillow. One of my friends helped us. Her sister lives in East Ridge and they keep the animals alive at the animal shelter there as long as they can so Shaun was OK with them going there plus it was free so they met us there and took them in for us. If we had taken them to Catoosa's animal shelter it woulda cost us 120 bux plus they woulda put them down as soon as they got them. 

I stopped by Krystal a few times while I was there. Saw the ppl I used to work with. It was nice. Got hugs from everyone and Deanna said I can have my job back. Woo hoo. I gotta work again for master cashier but hopefully that won't take long. I'm gonna take those CNA classes before I go back but have to wait to get my license/certificate in the mail before I can get it switched over to a GA/TN license so I gotta do something with my time to make some money till then. I was thinking I would work PT at Krystal and FT as a CNA. We will see.

Overall my week sucked but it was awesome to be with Shaun and Rob again. I felt a little like I shouldn't have gone cuz of all the drama with his mom but he said that was all her and had nothing to do with me. He said he was so glad I came. It was like a breath of fresh air seeing me and being with me again. Who knew he liked me that much, huh? Lol. I don't know papa. Sometimes I don't feel it. I know he loves me but there's times I just feel in his way. Hell, sometimes I feel like I'm in everyone's way. I guess life is like that. I told him one night I was there that I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere and he said, you belong here with me. I agree, maybe I do. Right now I have things to get done here first. Day is getting away from me. Ack.. I needa nap!! I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

March 18

Hey papa. Need to talk to ya about something that's been bugging me. Do you know about the paper mom had the lawyer drawn up for us kids to sign that says we won't take any of the money we all might get for the case against the guy who hit you and took you away from us? Well, that's what it is.  She wants to control how much we get, not let the court decide. I agreed to sign it if she will give me some money to get back on my feet. She says she will. But she is really worried about her future and the unknown and that's understandable. So am I.  I was talking to my friend Beth from back home and she brought up the question, what about my future? That if the court decides that us kids, your heirs, get a reasonable slice of the pie that we need to consider keeping it. Rob may need money for college or one of us might need to go to the dr for something major, life's unknowns. She said that we shouldn't think of it as the reason we're getting money because we were affected financially from losing you.. (I beg to differ cuz in a way, I was. I didn't work for 3 months. I lost 3 months of pay, but anyway)..because that's not why heirs get money from cases like these but because we, as your children, lost you too soon and in such a horrific way. To think of it as a gift from you and not the courts. I know that mom will get and deserves to get the biggest slice of it but all of it?? Not that money could ever replace you, ever. I know that mom needs the money though for her retirement and the "right" thing to do according to Gene White and some of mom's friends is we should sign over our rights to it. I agreed to sign it cuz I don't know daddy. I worry about her and I don't want her to worry about money. I want her to be able to enjoy her retirement. I'm not gonna lie, yeah dad.. I'd really like see what happens before we sign it but I also wanna get it signed cuz I want her to quit freaking out about it. I told her the other night, after Brian said he would sign it then changed his mind after she got it.. that she can't control everything. To let God handle this one. Trust that He is gonna see that the best thing happens. I don't think she liked that answer. She said, Fine, no one needs to sign it, I have another plan (and she won't tell me what it is). In my head it made me think Really?  Sounds like she's saying.. I'll get all the money one way or another. But I don't know dad. Maybe that's not how it was meant to come off but mom gets real fired up about this topic. None of us know what's going to happen when this gets the end of it. Like mom said, we might get nothing but naw.. there is definitely "something" on the table.. just gonna take time and work to see how big that something is gonna be.  Yeah, if she is only awarded an amount I know that she's gonna hyperventilate and have a panic attack because it's so small (to her) that she couldn't even pay one of her debts off, then yeah, I'd give her part of what the court awards us (but I don't think us kids are going to get that much) but if it's a lot.. I mean, a lot.. first of all dad, I don't need a lot. I've never had "any" so a lot, I don't know what I'd do. I'd be pretty darn excited that I had a lot but I know that mom wants the money so she can live comfortably. I just wanna get back on my feet. I don't even know if I remember the meaning of living comfortably. A few months rent and money to get bills pd in the bank would be real nice if something should happen that I can't work cuz God knows Shaun ain't gonna get and keep a job. Help mama to understand that God has this under control and to not worry about it. To just put a little more faith in Him and the system..even though the system takes too dang long. I know God and you aren't gonna let her go without. So, that's what's been stewing in my head. I wanna say this to her but I know it would probably upset her cuz she is so worried about how much she's gonna get and how much we might get. She just needs to put it in God's hands. The whole stinking mess. Wish the courts would give us the choice of having you back or the stupid money. I'd take you in a heart beat.. less than a heart beat. I miss you and your hugs and your advice and your laugh. Hanging out with you. Every thing to be honest.
I think Snick still misses you too. He's put on some weight and he's been having this panting thing and he not even been doing anything when it happens. As soon as mother nature can decide which stinking season she wants to have and it warms up he and I are gonna get out there and pound the pavement and lose some weight, the both of us.   
I wish that August would get here so I could get back to Shaun n Rob. I've been gone a month and all hell has broken loose. Shaun seems to be falling apart piece by piece. Don't know if it's intentional or just what's happening. Part of it he can control if he just takes those stupid meds. I guess you musta kicked him last night cuz he said he took them last night. Keep kicking him dad. I guess I'm going to go to Georgia for a few days. Looking forward to seeing Rob and Shaun but not Judy. Shaun said she was a grouch from the word go this AM and they got in a yelling match about everything. Me coming, them maybe going to FL in April, the dog.. about anything. He told her to shut up and walked away from her.. I guess this morning Judy said some snide ass remark, when he asked her if it was OK that I stay there a couple days, about she thought her house wasn't good enough for me. It's not her house I have the problem with, it's her. I got things to do. Better get to 'em. Gonna leave early in the morning since I'll be driving all day. Go with me, OK?? We'll be leaving before sunrise..so boots and saddles papa. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3

March 17

Hey papa. Happy St Patty's day me darling, Happy St. Patty's day. I've been thinking about that most of the day. I remember the time you called me and left me that message. Goes through my head every St. Patty's day. I've thought about you a lot today. Today it's been 9 months since you had to go. I still don't understand why God needed you so bad but I'm doing my best to deal with it. 

I've hated Thursdays since we lost you but today was especially sucky for me. Shaun was an absolute pill all day. I had to get up early for work, and then have this long boring meeting over stuff we are already aware of and then deal with Shaun drama. I had a headache from Sunday until I woke up this morning and it had gone away, then Shaun started with all his crap and it's back and won't go away again. I'm hoping I can sleep and it will go away. Right now I feel like puking so I don't know how much sleep I'm gonna get. The Shaun drama is cuz mainly he's not taking his meds like he should. He says he forgets. Yeah, whatever. He says one day that he understands and is OK with me being here until the end of July and then the next, like today, he says that I've been here long enough and need to come home now. I'm NOT living at Judy's. I've seen the forecast and no where in it did the weather man say that Hell was freezing over anytime soon. It would never, ever work. I thought of going there for a few days, thinking it would make things easier for him so he doesn't have to worry about so much coming in April for our anniversary and of course, no.. I was wrong. I recall that I married this grown man named Shaun that looks a lot like the childish version that I talked to today. Daddy, kick him in the head and make him stop being so childish and to take his meds!! This is one of those I really need you daddy days. I need to get to bed. Guess I've asked a lot this time around but I know you and the big man are tight like that so I'm sure you can deliver. I love you papa. Miss you so much even still. Just wish you could come back to us. K. Good night me darling daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

March 5

Hey papa..How y'all are? I remember all the times you'd say that to me when I'd answer the phone. Well, papa.. I are missing you and so wishing you were here. Being here without you is just so weird. It's like I still think you're gonna come home just any time. I see your pickup sitting at Tony's and it makes me tear up cuz I know you're not at Tony's. I've come to terms with this just being what it is. You're gone, life sux and no matter how much we want you back, you can't come back. I know you are with us though, you always will be, just not in the way we want you there. We were looking for the keys to the back door and I looked in your pouch for keys and found those jingle bells you kept in your pocket. The ones your told me you carried to keep the spirits away. Made me cry. Something as simple as bells and I was bawling like a baby. I miss you dad. Yesterday was your anniversary..as I type this, it's still the 4th. We went out with mom to celebrate it. It was kinda nice hanging out with Richard and him not being a dick. Nice and also kinda odd. Still not sure I wanna take the time to work on our relationship cuz I don't wanna get burned by him again. But I'm being civil when I'm around him for mom. Brian still says nasty things about him but I try not to feed into it. 

I'm having absolutely no luck finding a 2nd job. Not even any luck at a fast food place. What's up with that?! Went today to this seed company they have at the old building next door to Job Lunch. Was excited about it until he told me the hours. 9-530.. yeah, sweet hours!! But, I'm kinda committed to Becky and it wouldn't be fair to her for me to leave her hanging on PM routes so I can do the job. Believe me, I thought about it but thought again cuz she's been really nice to even bring me back and give me a job again. Not running as much as I may like right now but she says April and May will be busier. And I'm going to see if I can get summer school. Not sure I can, she might give it to contracted drivers. But I'm gonna ask now, at least express my interest. 

As far as my bill situation. You, my dear sweet daddy, have been coming to me in my dreams. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm working on things so I can get back to Rob. I know he needs his mom. I need my kid. But, I've talked about things with mom and I think, well, I have decided to just continue doing what I'm doing about them. Just ignore them. They will eventually go away. Eventually. After making life hell for me, scaring me, threatening me, etc.. but yeah, they will go away. My credit will be and is screwed but I knew that was a repercussion going into this. I'm gonna work and save my money and hopefully go back to Georgia with a little bit saved up. I thought Shaun would be mad at me, but he says he's not. I'm really hoping he means it too. I thought when I told him I wasn't paying them he would tell me to come home then but he said it doesn't change anything right now. He knows I wanna be here until your case is over.

Mom found out today it could be DECEMBER before this is all over!! Daddy!!! Omg.. They will set trial on September 26, and 45 days from that would make it mid-November. So ridiculous. We lost you in a blink of an eye and they are taking FOR-Eh-Ver to get this taken care of. No wonder they can charge so much. It's like they are dragging their feet and it just is crazy and retarded how long all of it takes. 45 days here, 90 days there. I wanna get home for Rob's senior year. But I'm gonna stay, told mom I would and meant it. She's talked all of us kids into not taking the money if the court would offer it to us. Yeah, of course it would help us but I know mom needs to feel secure about her future and the more she talked about it, I figured it would be better to have her feeling better about it then worrying if she would have enough money to live comfortably. What is that, dad? I haven't lived comfortably since I worked at the post office and probably never will again. Just been living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes scrapping pennies together between paychecks. Seems I just keep finding dead end job after dead end job. Makes me feel like such a loser. I'm a hard worker, have experience doing a lot of things but employers won't give me a chance so I get stuck doing menial low paying BS jobs. Told her I will sign the paper if she gives me enough to get back on my feet. She said she would. She said she likes it better that way.. getting to decide how much we get, rather then the court saying how much we get. I just don't want any of us to get upset with any one about how much everyone gets. Maybe mom should just write checks and put them in sealed envelopes and swear us all to not tell the other 2 what we were given as she hands them to us. I don't know dad. Money is a blessing and a curse. Makes ppl ugly.

Snick has his own room again. I don't think he's too excited about it though. Mom put him to bed and he got back up and then wouldn't go back in the room. Maybe he just doesn't like the being alone thing. We have a queen size bed now. Snick has your bed back. The bed takes up a lot of room. But it's comfy. I went to Cherry Orchard today and found the mattress and took some pics of couches and love seats. I saw one that is reasonably priced and would look good in your living room and me and mom are going to look at it tomorrow. I don't know much else. Guess I'll let you get back to your mansion. You never seemed like the mansion type though.. Bet you have a beautiful, secluded cabin with a lake and you are catching some amazing catfish outta your pond you have out back, right? I can only imagine. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3

March 3

Hey papa.. Happy shoulda been 44th Anniversary. We went out with mama tonight. Went to Texas Roadhouse. I can hear you now, saying I don't know where that is. Yes you do. Mama said you enjoyed that place w/o the dancing.. I concur, I concur!! I will write more later.. things to tell you. I love you!!! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit! <3

February 19

Hey Papa...

I remember where I was 8 months ago today. It was the day we laid you to rest. I was dressed in my black slacks and my black and white flowered shirt. I was sitting there in the cemetery not believing the reality taking place in front of me and screaming inside how much I just wanted to crawl inside that casket with you and be with you. Hearing the music I helped pick out. I Saw the Light, Go Rest High on that Mountain, Just Beyond the Moon, Walked on Water, Daddy's Hands, and Amazing Grace with the bagpipes. We picked a lot of songs, huh?  I kept thinking how much I wanted to be able to will you back to life with a kiss on your forehead or just touching your shoulder and have you back here with us where you belong. I was thinking about all the things I left in your casket for you for your trip to Heaven, your walking stick and the crackers, mints and Pepsi. Brian putting the two knives in your pockets for you and me leaving your Father's day cards in there with you so you'd have something to read. The last Father's day cards I will ever buy for you. I was thinking how much I somehow knew when you left me that May morning that it could be the last time I hugged you and got to spend time with you. I hated having to be right. I thought that every time we spent time together it was going to be the last time, it just unfortunately came true. God how I miss you papa. How much I still need you, how much we all still need you.  Maybe not everyone who was there that day to lay you to rest remembers what today is but the important ppl do.. the ppl who loved you the best do. I've been thinking, you've had 8 months of resting.. can you come home now? How I wish you could. Did you see me and mama today? Did you see the pretty tulips we left for you? Mom said you liked tulips. I didn't know that. Tulips have always been one of my favorite flowers. They mean to me that Spring is on the way. Spring is one of my favorite seasons. Everything is coming back to life after being dormant all winter. The flowers and trees and the birds all come out.
I don't really know that much. I'm still thinking about what I want to do for a 2nd part time job. Just looking forward to getting back in the saddle at the bus barn and see if I still got it. I'm sure I do, it's like riding a bike. Hoping Becky can keep me busy enough that I don't have to have the 2nd job right away. I know that I'm tired of sitting around. I don't sit well, I never have. 

I talked to Shaun last night. He said he thinks I'll be here until the summer after Rob graduates. WHAT?!! Dad, that's forever. I better find something to pass the time and figure out how to get those bills paid so I can go home. It's not that I don't like being here with mom cuz I do. I just don't think I belong here. I think I should be there with Shaun and Rob, especially for Rob. I really have to do some soul searching and figure out what it is I want. I know the winters are better in Georgia.. for the most part. This winter was an actual winter. First real winter we had since we moved there. I don't know what I really NEED to go back to Georgia for besides Shaun and Rob. I'm hoping Rob will come be with me after he finishes school but I don't know. I don't have a house or job to go back for. It would be like starting over all over again. I hate start overs. That what I feel like what I'm doing now, starting over. Not a regroup. Don't feel a lot of regrouping happening. Shaun said he doesn't want to come back to Kansas cuz there is nothing for us here and he doesn't want to deal with the Wichita VA. I guess I can agree with that. The only good thing here for me is mom. And I have to let her do what she Wants to do when she retires. I don't want her to stay in Kansas for me if she feels like moving to Illinois to be closer to Auntie. There's really no reason for her to move to Georgia now since we lost the house. So, tell me daddy, what do me and mom do with ourselves? Like I said, I have a lot of soul searching and figuring out to do. I think if I told Shaun I was staying, not that I've decided to by any means, but if I did.. that he would come here, for me. I kinda like to think he would anyway. Would cost a lot to move our stuff here though cuz I don't want to lose our stuff but you are right, it's just stuff. I don't know papa. 

I'm just writing today cuz felt the need to talk to you. I miss you so much, so much. Still find it hard to believe it's been 8 months since you left us and we laid you to rest. I hope you are resting peacefully and that Heaven is as wonderful as I can only imagine it is. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

February 17

Hey papa. 8 months ago today you left us. I really miss you and wish you were still here. It still doesn't seem possible at times that you are where you are. Still seems like you could be on a trip with the preacher or out on a run. How I wish that was true. Snick misses you too. He's been breathing kinda weird today. Have been worried about him. Mom is missing you too. Just wish you could come back but I know you can't. Mom has been having a pain in her side. I've been worried about her. She says it's just how she slept or something but it's been hurting her for a few days. Have God touch her, OK? 

I didn't do much today. I feel like a lump. I need to find something to do. I still don't know what I want to do. I'm gonna drive the bus, part time. But I need to do something else. So, you got any ideas? I'm not one to sit so hopefully will figure it out pretty soon. Just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I love you. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3