March 5

Hey papa..How y'all are? I remember all the times you'd say that to me when I'd answer the phone. Well, papa.. I are missing you and so wishing you were here. Being here without you is just so weird. It's like I still think you're gonna come home just any time. I see your pickup sitting at Tony's and it makes me tear up cuz I know you're not at Tony's. I've come to terms with this just being what it is. You're gone, life sux and no matter how much we want you back, you can't come back. I know you are with us though, you always will be, just not in the way we want you there. We were looking for the keys to the back door and I looked in your pouch for keys and found those jingle bells you kept in your pocket. The ones your told me you carried to keep the spirits away. Made me cry. Something as simple as bells and I was bawling like a baby. I miss you dad. Yesterday was your anniversary..as I type this, it's still the 4th. We went out with mom to celebrate it. It was kinda nice hanging out with Richard and him not being a dick. Nice and also kinda odd. Still not sure I wanna take the time to work on our relationship cuz I don't wanna get burned by him again. But I'm being civil when I'm around him for mom. Brian still says nasty things about him but I try not to feed into it. 

I'm having absolutely no luck finding a 2nd job. Not even any luck at a fast food place. What's up with that?! Went today to this seed company they have at the old building next door to Job Lunch. Was excited about it until he told me the hours. 9-530.. yeah, sweet hours!! But, I'm kinda committed to Becky and it wouldn't be fair to her for me to leave her hanging on PM routes so I can do the job. Believe me, I thought about it but thought again cuz she's been really nice to even bring me back and give me a job again. Not running as much as I may like right now but she says April and May will be busier. And I'm going to see if I can get summer school. Not sure I can, she might give it to contracted drivers. But I'm gonna ask now, at least express my interest. 

As far as my bill situation. You, my dear sweet daddy, have been coming to me in my dreams. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm working on things so I can get back to Rob. I know he needs his mom. I need my kid. But, I've talked about things with mom and I think, well, I have decided to just continue doing what I'm doing about them. Just ignore them. They will eventually go away. Eventually. After making life hell for me, scaring me, threatening me, etc.. but yeah, they will go away. My credit will be and is screwed but I knew that was a repercussion going into this. I'm gonna work and save my money and hopefully go back to Georgia with a little bit saved up. I thought Shaun would be mad at me, but he says he's not. I'm really hoping he means it too. I thought when I told him I wasn't paying them he would tell me to come home then but he said it doesn't change anything right now. He knows I wanna be here until your case is over.

Mom found out today it could be DECEMBER before this is all over!! Daddy!!! Omg.. They will set trial on September 26, and 45 days from that would make it mid-November. So ridiculous. We lost you in a blink of an eye and they are taking FOR-Eh-Ver to get this taken care of. No wonder they can charge so much. It's like they are dragging their feet and it just is crazy and retarded how long all of it takes. 45 days here, 90 days there. I wanna get home for Rob's senior year. But I'm gonna stay, told mom I would and meant it. She's talked all of us kids into not taking the money if the court would offer it to us. Yeah, of course it would help us but I know mom needs to feel secure about her future and the more she talked about it, I figured it would be better to have her feeling better about it then worrying if she would have enough money to live comfortably. What is that, dad? I haven't lived comfortably since I worked at the post office and probably never will again. Just been living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes scrapping pennies together between paychecks. Seems I just keep finding dead end job after dead end job. Makes me feel like such a loser. I'm a hard worker, have experience doing a lot of things but employers won't give me a chance so I get stuck doing menial low paying BS jobs. Told her I will sign the paper if she gives me enough to get back on my feet. She said she would. She said she likes it better that way.. getting to decide how much we get, rather then the court saying how much we get. I just don't want any of us to get upset with any one about how much everyone gets. Maybe mom should just write checks and put them in sealed envelopes and swear us all to not tell the other 2 what we were given as she hands them to us. I don't know dad. Money is a blessing and a curse. Makes ppl ugly.

Snick has his own room again. I don't think he's too excited about it though. Mom put him to bed and he got back up and then wouldn't go back in the room. Maybe he just doesn't like the being alone thing. We have a queen size bed now. Snick has your bed back. The bed takes up a lot of room. But it's comfy. I went to Cherry Orchard today and found the mattress and took some pics of couches and love seats. I saw one that is reasonably priced and would look good in your living room and me and mom are going to look at it tomorrow. I don't know much else. Guess I'll let you get back to your mansion. You never seemed like the mansion type though.. Bet you have a beautiful, secluded cabin with a lake and you are catching some amazing catfish outta your pond you have out back, right? I can only imagine. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3