September 7

Hey papa.. How are you? Been a few days since we talked. Been busy with the new job. I'm liking it OK. My legs and feet have been so tired when I get off. I have to run the whole front by myself. Keeping things stocked, the lobby clean and the customers taken care of. It can get quite frustrating, especially when we're busy. We are short handed on the weekends and that makes it even worse. Today is payday there but I didn't get paid. Don't know why. I don't know how their pay periods run. Gonna have to figure that out cuz I needs me some money. Plus got bills to pay. There are days I really hate being an adult.  

Sorry there's been a few days between writing. I thought you were getting tired of my bugging you every day and I was running out of things to say. I'm starting to feel a little better. Not about losing you but that life must go on even though it feels at times that I just wish it wouldn't. Life as I knew it and know it has ended. There are so many days that I wish I could just pick up the phone and call you. Get caught up on what you've been doing since you left. How wonderful Heaven is. How big your new place is and about all the friends and family you've gotten to see again. How much fishing you've gotten to do and how many walking sticks you have gotten made. You know what I've been doing. Dying inside and trying to keep keeping on. It's about all I can do. Just survive.

I talked to that lady, Susan, again today. I shared the video I made for you with her and showed her the screen saver I put together too. She wants to use the video for some of her support groups. She said it was beautiful and shows how much I love you. That how powerful it is that a song can take you there, with that person. Every time I watch it, I cry. We talked about you and also about Rob and his Asperger's and Shaun and his bipolar and mom. How it's been hurting me to see her become distant. She says she's OK, that she's doing pretty good. Friday was the first night we've really talked since I was there last. I know that we all have to walk through this darkness by ourselves, this darkness of losing you, that we all handle it differently. I just worry she's gonna get lost in it. That she won't see the light from my lamp, Brian's or Richard's or even one of your friends to lead her out of it. I keep telling her I'm there for her and I'm sure she knows that. I'm still crying every day. It's like I have to, like the day isn't complete unless I have. Weird and silly I know but still when I see you picture or have a thought of you or when I've had a bad day and just wanna call you and can't, it all makes me cry. We talked about the boys too. How Brian and I are close and me and Richard aren't. How when we were kids how it was opposite. I was telling her how Richard can be when he gets mad and stops talking to us. How that makes it hard to trust him with my heart and with anything I may want to tell him. She asked if I had support besides her. I was telling her how I can talk to Bubby and mom and my friends. She said it's good to have ppl to talk to, to vent to, to trust with your emotions. I guess I have that. She asked me if I was lonely. I don't think I'm lonely. I think I'm sad, that I'm still dealing with this massive loss. I think that I'm past the darkest of the darkness but still wading through it. Think I'm going to go see what's doing. I miss you so so much. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

September 1

Hey papa.. How have you been? I've been OK. I still miss you so insanely much. I went to see Susan on Monday. She's really nice. She listened and gave me some info to read. Also told me that you've left quite a legacy for me to follow. I showed her your picture and she said that you look like a colorful character, someone that just invited the world in. You certainly did, you never knew a stranger. She told me that looking at you she can tell you walked with God. She told me that me writing this blog and that video I made you was a good thing. That I'm immersing myself in the pain and grief and letting myself experience it and that's the beginning of healing. I'm still crying everyday but I'm gonna be OK, one day. She wants to see me again but not sure when.

I started my new job on Tuesday. So far, so good. I wanted to call you so bad yesterday and tell you about my day. I got home from work and turned on my computer and watched that video I made you and cried and cried. They said I did wonderful for my first day and they even started me on the master cashier stuff.. my first day! She had told me that she was gonna have me ready in 6 weeks to test for master cashier and she wasn't kidding. I can tell you my outta shape getting older self ain't use to the being on my feet all day. My legs and feet are just screaming. Looking forward to the end of the day tomorrow cuz I'm off on Friday and my feet hurt!!! But I am happy not sitting on my butt all day and that's what I wanted. I talked to my TL from Convergys today and told her I wasn't coming back. She said she understood and wished me luck. 

So, what have you been doing this week? How many walking sticks have you got done this week? Fall is on the way. The weather has been so nice in the mornings and evening. I like spring and fall. I know you never like it too hold or cold, now it will be perfect weather all the time. I wonder if, since it's Heaven, that the weather is your version of perfect or God's.. wish you could tell me. I wish you could tell me LOTS of things. I miss you so much. Gonna go for now. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

August 28

 
Made this for you today dad. I so wish you were here.. I love you papa.. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 26

Hey papa. Been away a few days. How you been? Did you get much accomplished? Me and mom have talked. She seems OK. She misses you so much. Told me the other day she's having a hard time with things some days and finds herself crying. I told her it's OK to cry. We gotta deal with the grief or it will eat us up. I know, cuz it's been eating me alive. I'm still crying, every day. I see a picture of you, smell a smell that reminds me of you, think of how things used to be and should be and start crying. At times, I think Shaun understands and others I think he's tired of all the tears. The other night when I was convinced mom hated me, I bawled like a baby and he comforted me for a little bit and then said, 'why don't you take a nap'.. like a nap will solve all this? I've been sleeping a lot this past few days. You know I'm not one to sleep so much. I'm usually up with the sun and go, go all day long. My friend had me take these online tests to see if I'm depressed. All of them I took said, Seek professional help. Oy. I think they were all rigged. He asked me if I answered yes to do I feel worthless and wish I was dead questions and well, yeah, I said yeah. Cuz I have lately. Last night, before I went to bed I looked to see if I could find someone to talk to. Just to feed my own curiosity and to see what I could find. I found some but don't figure I can afford to talk to anyone. I called Hospice. They offer free grief counseling, well, they have group meetings that are free. I'm not sure if it costs to talk to someone one on one. I talked to someone named Susan. She seems nice. I'm gonna see what my schedule is gonna be like next week and then maybe meet with her. I guess it's time daddy. Time I start figuring out all these feelings and how to not cry so much. Not that I don't think you aren't worth the tears but all the tears in the world aren't bringing you back to me. I wish you could come back. Everyone says that you are in a better place and that it was just 'your time' but I don't so much agree. OK, yeah, you're not hurting anymore and you're not dizzy anymore but I don't think it was 'your time'. I know you always told me that when it was time God punched your ticket and you were gonna get to ride on that long black train. Well, I wanna ride too. I miss you dad. Mom misses you. I'm sure the boys and all your friends do too. Gonna go for now. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 23

Hey papa. I have no fricking clue what is wrong with mom. You need to check on her. Seems like there is this tension there between us and seems like everything I say and do is wrong. She's been like this for a few weeks now. She was like this when I was there and is still like that. She told me before I left to text her anytime and so, like an idiot believing this was OK, I did. I sent her a message at 4something her time and waited then sent her another at 5something her time and she sends me back a message that said Some ppl have to work and don't have time to respond to messages. OK, I get that she's busy.. like I knew that 900 miles away?.. but really? She had to respond like that?! I know I have to and should be working too. Loved that dig. I know you'd hate to see things like this with me and mom. I have no idea what is up with her daddy. I don't know if it's her leg, work, the lawsuit, being alone, her taking on too much.. I don't know. I told her when I was there that we were on the same side but I guess she doesn't want me to be on her team right now. My feelings are just hurt again, no big, right? I should be getting used to it. I was telling Shaun I wish I knew how this 30 days was gonna turn out, I wouldn't have taken so much time off of work. I thought that mom was gonna need me, boy, was I wrong?! and then I thought, well, ok.. I'll use this time to clear my head and my head is more clouded than it was. I feel like I'm losing my mind some days. Shaun and I went for a drive today and all I kept thinking was ways we could have accidents where I got killed in them and he was OK. Yeah, still thinking I'd be better off gone. Apparently, I'm still playing games with that manager at Krystal's. She never responded to me all weekend and then Don told me to call her after 1030 this morning. I did and she said to come in on Friday to do the paperwork. Friday? Huh? She really has no time between today and then to do it? My patience is more than worn thin. Makes me wonder, if she treats me like she has before I've gotten the job, how on earth will she treat when I'm working there? I'm gonna use Tues-Thurs looking for something else. I really don't wanna have to go back to Convergys but it might just turn to that. I'm gonna confirm before I get all the paperwork done, if I find nothing this week, that she is gonna give me 40 hrs and work me on days like she had said when we first talked. Looking for a job completely sucks and plays havoc on your psyche.

I was telling Shaun how I hate being the age I am and have no idea what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life. I feel completely useless, I am completely useless. I look at the help wanted ads and I have to have this skill or that skill or this much education or that much. I have absolutely no direction for my life and that is so messed up! That's why, part of the reason, I think I'd just be better off gone. Who'd miss me anyhow? No one I can think of right off. OK. Maybe Robbie. Shaun might for a little while but that's about it. And they'd have money to get the debts all paid and money for Rob for college. Keep thinking of ways I can go that would be accidents. Saturday was the best day I've had in a long time, seeing my friend. Here we are on Monday and I'm right back to being as miserable as I was. Feeling like I'm the biggest waste of breath there is. I'm writing early today dad, didn't write yesterday cuz I didn't have much to say plus I thought I'd give you a day off. You're probably tired of hearing me whine too. I miss you dad. Could sure use one of your hugs today. Its hard for me to reach out to ppl to talk to when I try and get my hand smacked. I thought about finding someone neutral to talk to but figure I'd just be wasting my money and their time. I'm gonna be OK or die trying. I will let you have a good evening. Wrestling is on tonight. I'm sure you'll be watching it, enjoy. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3  

P.S. I was thinking of not writing you so much. I'm sure you are getting tired of trying to keep up and that you have things to do. I'll let you get to it. Go work on your walking sticks and hang out with mom a while. Maybe if you can get her to slow down long enough she will feel you there like me and Brian do. She needs something, though not sure what. OK then. Till I talk to you again. <3 u!

August 21st

Hey Papa.. wanna see something? Gimme a second.. see.. I got to see my friend today!! This is Maria. I'm not sure you remember her. We used to hang out in high school. She lives in Louisiana now. Even has the drawl they have down there.. like Jus-ton Wil-son.. hehe. I remember how you used to enjoy watching that silly cajun. Her mom and sons were with her. Her mom, the dear, told Maria when I got there to go get me something to eat. She said to me, you may be a little heavy but you need to eat, so go get something. What?! You haven't seen me in 22 yrs lady and that's the first thing you say to me?  Reminds me of someone else's mother. I told mom when I was telling her about it that I'm going to get a t-shirt made that says, Yes, I'm well aware of my size and I don't need you to point it out. Sheesh, anyway...we only got to see each other about 30 minutes but it was so worth it. It was so great seeing her. It was the best day I've had since before losing you. I actually smiled and it felt good. Now, if I can just keep it up. Was gonna say I hadn't cried today but I did.. I was just looking for this pic here and found some of you and lost it. Why can't I get over this dad? Why can't I get to a place where I can accept things and not cry everyday? When will life stop being so darn sucky?

    I'm still waiting to do the paperwork for Krystal's. Getting so tired of waiting too. I just want to get started, if I'm going to get started. If not, let me know so I can move on to something else or go back to Convergys. I'd like to at least give them a notice of some sort even if it's just hey, I won't be coming back on the 30th. I get that they are busy but seriously she can't call me and have me work on it while she is working? I'm sure it's not rocket science. I have filled out paperwork to get a job before. Why, no sir, I don't have any patience as of late. I take after mom, ya know.. :) She has little to no patience too. Uh, yes sir.. I know, it will work out if it's His will. Don was telling me that they he knows she was busy but still.. really.. the WHOLE day?? Huh.. yeah.. I heard you.. OK.. sheesh.. practicing a little patience. But remember it's only a practice run. :D LOL!

   Talked to mom today. She seemed OK. She said she's able to fasten her shoe now and the swelling has gone down a whole lot. That's so good to hear. She also said Richard and them came for dinner Friday and he cooked. That's nice. Yes sir, I know that he is 'in the area' and I'm not but still.  OK.. I'm being the duck.. you are sure talkative tonight daddy. :) Feels like you are right here sitting on my bed as I send this to you. I wish you were, I'd give you a great big hug and never let go. I'd get mom here on the red-eye and still be hugging you when we met her at the airport. If only, papa.. if only.

Shaun and Rob haven't been feeling good today. Shaun's had chest pains all day and his left arm has been hurting him. I kept asking if he needed to go to the hospital and he said no. Rob and I left to go see Maria and we got back and he was in bed. Rob went in Shaun's room to put the cat food in the closet, we keep it in there cuz the cats tear the bag up if we leave it on the porch, anyway, I asked him what his dad was doing and he said, he's just laying there. I said, What?! and he said, he's just laying in his bed. I hollered at Shaun and he didn't answer me but he was laying there with his eyes opened. Scared the buh-jesus outta me cuz I thought, OMG, NO!! I told him that he scared me too.. He just said, sorry. Rob came home from school yesterday feeling crappy. He called us while he was at school to ask us to bring him some allergy medicine cuz his nose was running real bad. I did but I don't think it's allergies. I mean, it could be, but today he's been real dizzy and said his head was hurting him. I don't know papa. He has till Monday to get better cuz I don't allow him to miss school. Well papa.. I don't know much else. I love you and still miss you terribly and there are days I'd love to join you but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Can you check and see when my ticket is gonna get punched?? Does God let you see things like that? Just like to know how much longer I got here. There are still a few things I'd like to see, like Rob graduate from high school and meet Shaun's grandson and have at least one more happy birthday..key word "happy".. so OK.. I guess I'm not ready. Things I have to do still, huh? I love you (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3

August 20

Hey papa. Today wasn't completely awful. It was still a bit sucky but tolerable. I finally got the test taken and yeah, I passed it! :) Now, I'm just waiting to do the paperwork so I can get started. The manager said she would get a hold of me sometime today, I thought, as to when we could do it and as I write this I've yet to hear from her. UGH!! So frustrating! Hopefully, before the weekend is over I will have the paperwork filled out. She truly makes me wonder if she even wants me there. 

 I haven't talked to mom this week. Well, we've texted but that's it. I guess she's been busy. From the text messages she seems to be OK. Tonight she seemed busy or bothered or mad.. hmm.. don't know really. She's off tomorrow so I will try to get her called. 

I get to see my friend tomorrow daddy!! I'm so excited. She's in Murfreesboro tonight. Less than 2 hours from me. :) She said she would be leaving there at 10, which is 11 my time, so by 1 I should see her!! Goody, goody gumdrops! I will let you know how it goes. I invited her here to eat with us but she is allergic to cats and as much fun as it might be to watch, I don't think we should watch her 'swell up like a bubble'.. her words.. LOL!! We're going to meet somewhere to have some tea or something. 

Today I pulled up some of the tile things we had in the kitchen, by the back door. The rug got ruined by the dogs and we thought about getting another one but figured the idiots would ruin it too so Rob suggested we square up the area and frame it out. I thought, hmm.. and Shaun said, yeah.. so I worked on it today. Did almost the whole thing by myself. My arm hurts from all the scrubbing I did to get the goop off the floor. I wanted to call you today and ask you what to use to get it up but as soon as I thought it, the next thought was.. I can't. Rob helped me cut the framing/edging whatever you call it. We ended up doing it backwards but aw well.. it's done. 

I better go papa..  I love you.. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3