September 21

Hey papa. How are you today? I'm doing. I went and saw Susan today. It was OK. We talked about mom and how she's been feeling. Mom has been really sad lately. She said she's crying more now then she did 3 months ago. I think it's cuz she kept things in. Kept saying she was OK but has been broken inside. I know that's how I was, but the opposite.. I'm still broken but now I've found a few of the pieces to start to put things back together. It's done me good to work on the things I have.. the video and the collage and finding Susan to talk to. I'm still crying every day but she's helping me make sense of how I've been feeling. How to get my feelings sorted out and all that. Next Monday she has a support group starting. I think I'm going to give it a try. I told her today I'm not sure that I can talk to these ppl like I talk to her. She said I don't have to talk if I don't want to. Probably won't the first time. We also talked about Shaun. He had me so mad last night daddy. I coulda screamed he had me so mad. His meds are outta whack and he's being a _____! I know how you didn't like when I used language, sorry about that by the way. Anyway, we're broke and he got some money from his mom and got gas in his car and had $10 left and gave it to me. I was gonna use it for gas. Then yesterday morning as I'm getting ready for work he comes in and asks for it back cuz he needed cigarettes. The fact that he put his selfish needs over what I had to have was the 1st thing that irked the crap outta me. Things only got worse when I got back from work. Rob got some money from Judy for some work he did and gave it to me for a book we're ordering for him and I was gonna use that for my gas. I asked Shaun to take it and get me gas and he wouldn't do it cuz I made him use his change to get the hash browns he had to have for dinner. He had me so mad. But anyway, Susan said that Shaun was being manipulative and a bit adolescent by not doing anything around here and pouting and getting defensive when I ask for help. 

I did get paid today, thank goodness. The first check in 3 months. It's already gone but we have food again and I have gas in my car. I'm gonna have to piece together the house payment and hope I can get all the other bills paid. I hate being in this situation. I have to make master cashier. It will give us about $400 more a month. That'll help immensely. I don't know much more tonight papa. Except that I miss you still just terribly. There has been so many days I've wanted to call you and just talk to you. Hear your voice and laughter. I love you papa. (forehead kiss-- and a big hug!!) Talk to you in a little bit. <3