August 31

Hey Papa... don't have much to tell you today.. was thinking of you today. I found this song on YouTube. You never really left me. I was so blessed to have you in my life and yes sir, I know I'll See you Again!!  The waiting is the hardest part.

That's all today. I love you papa. Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 27

Hey Papa.. I don't really know much.. still haven't got my promotion. Getting quite frustrated about it. The new district supervisor tells me he "has my back" and "is a man of his word" and is going to make sure it happens. I just say.. yeah right. Mom says believe it and I will achieve it. I wish it was that easy. We are struggling so bad daddy. To say we are living from paycheck to paycheck would be a joke. We get paid and we have so many bills and then we have to get food and have money for gas and stuff.. there is no money. We have 15 bux until Shaun gets paid. We applied for food stamps but from what I've been told by other ppl we most likely will be denied because Shaun was apparently "medically retired" by Social Security. We thought he was getting SSI.. cuz he's disabled but the lady at the hospital asked me if Shaun gets Medicaid and I said, no he has Medicare. She told me if he doesn't have a Medicaid card to carry with his Medicare card then he is on social security and not ssi. Which, long story shortened.. means that we will get denied cuz he is on SS and not SSI. They count SS as income but don't count SSI as income. So, idk what we are gonna do. We got some food from a church the other day. My friend Charlene told me about this church and I called the lady and she gave us quite a bit. So we have plenty of can goods now. Just seems I've been struggling since you left. Come back, would ya?! I know you would if you could. Came across some old pics of you the other day and also this....

Think I will leave this post at that.. You are so very missed.. wish I could call you and hear you give me some sage advice on what to do with this joke of an existence of mine. I'm hanging in there, but feel like I'm slipping a little more everyday. I love you dad. So much. Miss you too... Talk to you in a little bit <3

August 15

Happy Flippin' Birthday to me. Dad, I quit. I'm officially calling my birthday off from next year on. Why do I do this to myself every year.. thinking my birthday is going to be something and it turns into nothing every stinking year. Shaun says every year he's going to do something and every year, epic fail. He has all these plans in his head and then that's where they stay, in his damn head. He went and cleaned a carpet for his mom to make some money for him to get me something and he writes me a note that says he wasn't sure what to get and gives me the money. OK, so I have the money, but he fails to remember that we have bills to pay and things we need..like gas for our cars, tobacco so he can roll cigarettes, Rob needs a new backpack and shoes for school. So, what am I to spend the money on? The mom in me says take care of Rob or get gas for the car. We went to the store to get something for dinner and we got a whole cart of stuff thinking we had enough money and we get to the register and didn't have enough so we had to put it all back. How embarrassing. I'm really loving my life dad. Was hoping today would be the day for me to come see you but unfortunately not. To enter and leave the world on the same date ever how many years apart, might be kinda nice. I got a nice card from mom with some money in it. I hid the money away cuz I don't want Shaun to know about it. I'm going to use it for gas or maybe something for me later. I didn't get anything else. I don't know dad.. I guess I would just like pomp and circumstance just one year.. a big to do.. a present to unwrap, flowers, balloons.. him just knowing what I like to eat and getting it and to feel special.. if just for a day. I just feel like it's Monday. I worked all day, came home to a dirty kitchen, a litter box to scoop out, a griping teenager and Shaun doing what he can to make me happy but none of it working. I know he loves me, but that's not the point... its my birthday and it just feels like Monday. It should feel like a birthday. I'm listening to him snore now. What fun. Awesome day. I'm gonna go.. I feel worthless. I miss you just awful daddy.. I love you. Talk to you in a little bit <3

August 9

Hey papa.. Been a while since we've talked like this. I've been doing. That's about it. Not good, not great. Have had so many days I just wanna talk to you.. for real, hear your voice and hear you tell me everything is gonna be OK and how much you love me. I'm still not certified. Getting very discouraged, thinking it's not gonna happen. All my boss says is she's done all she can do and all we can do is wait and be ready. Dang sick of waiting. I go to work on Thursdays and Fridays in a good mood and play nice and do all I'm supposed to and the lady doesn't come. So what do I do dad? I wanna just give up. Quit and go find something else but I can't cuz we are struggling so bad trying to keep our heads above water and the waves keep lapping at us and trying to drag us under so getting another job wouldn't be good right now. I need that lady to come so badly. Talk to God for me and see what can be done to make this happen. 

I wish you were around for mom. She really needs you. I worry so much about her. Talked to her last week and she was so sad but this past Sunday we talked and she was in a better mood. I don't know if she is better or it was just a better day. Got an email from Aunt Norma today. She told me what's been going on in Illinois and how she's looking forward to seeing mom in October. She also told me happy early birthday. Next Monday is my birthday. Not even looking forward to it. Never look forward to it anymore cuz it means nothing to anyone. I know that my birthday isn't a national holiday but one year I would like to feel like it is.. at least to the ppl in my bubble. I have to work on Monday. I have a little money left outta my check but come next week it will probably be gone. The best gift I could possibly get is you. The other day I was trying to print out a picture of you for a small picture frame I have and the printer wasn't working so I cancelled it, turned off my computer and the next day I turned on the computer and before the computer got booted up it the printer spit out the picture. It was kinda freaky. Felt kinda like you were trying to tell me something. I don't know much else.. except life is sucking right now. Wish you were here. I love you. Talk to you in a little bit. <3

July 19

Hey papa.. having a rough day. Hell, a rough summer. Things have been rough for me since you left. So sick of our situation. So sick of being broke. I looked in the paper for maybe a 2nd job and I saw a couple but wouldn't have the gas to get to said 2nd job so idk what to do. Praying that I get certified this week. I need it to happen so badly. I keep thinking, what kind of accident could I have that would guarantee the guys would get my insurance money? I know, not funny but at least there would be money. Boo is the beneficiary so Shaun would be SOL unless Boo was feeling generous, but with him still being a minor idk what would happen, if he would even get the money. Just would want Boo taken care of, at least to give him a good start. Told Boo last night that if anything should happen to me when I leave the house to remember I loved him. Ya never know dad.. like you didn't know.. only God knows and how I wish he would clue me in on some stuff cuz I feel really lost and hopeless right about now. Just feel like giving up some days.. this is one of those days. I left the house with good intentions of not spending too much and I spent almost all we had to get the few groceries and qtr tank of gas I got and we have like nothing left now and Shaun needs tobacco to roll cigarettes and its my fault cuz I got too many groceries. Can't win for losing dad. Pity party, table for one please. 

Yesterday at work I was getting Bill his coffee and got to thinking how far I've come with being able to talk to him and stuff. I look forward to seeing him and talking to him. He comes in every morning for breakfast and gets what you would get.. I get him his coffee and his salt and pepper and silverware and get his table set up. Check on him as he is eating, getting him his refills of coffee and clearing his table. I got him a refill yesterday and he said, goodness girl, you are spoiling me rotten. Reminded me of you. Could almost hear you say, That's my girl. Made me tear up. I had to leave the lobby for a few minutes and get myself back together.  I worry about Bill though cuz he has asthma and with the humidity he has such a hard time breathing some days. He's been having problems with his knee too. Funny how some of the customers become like fixtures and you expect to see them everyday and worry when you don't. Guess God puts the ppl in your lives that need to be there most times. 

I've been having a pain in my pelvic area. Some days it hurts more than others. Idk what is causing it, just know it hurts. My cycle is all crazy and off and I never know when she is gonna show up. I hate it. I probably should go to the dr but I barely have money for food so I certainly can't go to the dr. I better go. I'm really bummed and think I'm just gonna take a nap. Love you papa. Talk to you in a little bit. <3

July 12

Hey papa.. want you to be on the look out for someone new.. his name is Terry Ford. He got there on Saturday. He was only 52. Had a massive heart attack. I guess he had been in the Krystal Saturday morning for coffee and then went home and told his brother he was going to go work on his scooter in the garage and his brother went out a little while later and found him dead. Couldn't imagine. I'm thinking I might go to the funeral today, show some support. Show the family ppl at the K gave a crap about him and will miss him. Boo might go with me too. Hope so, cuz I don't wanna fly solo. But if you could be looking for him, show him the ropes, he's a really nice guy.
Found out that my name really, really has been submitted this time to who needs to know so I can get that 'promotion' at work. Hope it happens soon cuz money is tight and that extra couple bux an hour will sure help. So sick of having like nothing left after bills are paid and trying to get thru Shaun's thick skull that we can't go buy every damn thing he wants cuz we have some money. Trying to figure out how to make the 100 bux I have last two weeks and stretch it to have enough food on the table and gas in the cars. He hates that I pay the bills first before I worry about us. Bills are first priority, we have to have utilities and a place to live and the car to get me to the job. About to go get some groceries and pay a couple bills now. Being an adult SUX major. Just wanted to stop and say hi and I miss you.
I haven't seen you much in the last few days so I hope that means that you've been hanging with mom. She really needs you dad.. needs to know that you are still there. If she'd slow down a little she'd see you, feel you. I worry so much for her. I called her the other night to tell her about Terry and before we hung up she was crying so hard.. broke my heart. Just wanted to be there to comfort her but I couldn't. She was having a nothing and everything wrong kinda day. I've had my share so I know how that feels. I know that you are probably there cuz you n her were like two peas in a pod.
I better get moving along.. busy day and I'm wasting daylight. Love you so much dad. Wish Heaven could send you back, so many ppl here still need you. I love you dad. Talk to you in a little bit. <3

July 7

Hey papa.. just wanted to vent a few.. found out today that my name WASN'T submitted for me to get re certified. Here I've been waiting and waiting and find out today from THE horse's mouth that my name hasn't come across his desk yet. Great, fabulous, wonderful. CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Three weeks ago my boss sent me a text message that said she was changing my schedule so that I can be there on Thursdays and Fridays because that's when they come to certify and once I'm re certified I will get my Thursday, Friday, and Saturdays back. And it should have happened in three weeks.. this being week 3. BS. Total BS. Shaun called it. He said last week that he bet that my name wasn't even submitted, I asked her, she said it was and then today I find out the truth. Hella pissed daddy. Makes me not know who to trust, makes me wonder what other BS I've been led to believe by the ppl who employ me. I was so frustrated with everything today that I just wanted to walk out but common sense slapped me and reminded me that I have to have that job. It was just a bad day. A very bad day. I spent most of it cleaning or trying to cover my hiney cuz the big boss was there today doing an evaluation on us. It's called the KBE. It means Krystal Brand of Excellence. Its a huge, drawn out inspection he does on us to make sure the store is clean and we are doing everything we are supposed to be doing. I think we did OK but idk. I was just more than ready to leave today when it was time. OK.. I'm done venting.. for now. Hope you are doing OK. How was Heaven today? Catch any big fish yet.. or even Mr. Sneaky?? I love you daddy.. Miss you so so much.. Talk to you in a little bit. <3