August 28

 
Made this for you today dad. I so wish you were here.. I love you papa.. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 26

Hey papa. Been away a few days. How you been? Did you get much accomplished? Me and mom have talked. She seems OK. She misses you so much. Told me the other day she's having a hard time with things some days and finds herself crying. I told her it's OK to cry. We gotta deal with the grief or it will eat us up. I know, cuz it's been eating me alive. I'm still crying, every day. I see a picture of you, smell a smell that reminds me of you, think of how things used to be and should be and start crying. At times, I think Shaun understands and others I think he's tired of all the tears. The other night when I was convinced mom hated me, I bawled like a baby and he comforted me for a little bit and then said, 'why don't you take a nap'.. like a nap will solve all this? I've been sleeping a lot this past few days. You know I'm not one to sleep so much. I'm usually up with the sun and go, go all day long. My friend had me take these online tests to see if I'm depressed. All of them I took said, Seek professional help. Oy. I think they were all rigged. He asked me if I answered yes to do I feel worthless and wish I was dead questions and well, yeah, I said yeah. Cuz I have lately. Last night, before I went to bed I looked to see if I could find someone to talk to. Just to feed my own curiosity and to see what I could find. I found some but don't figure I can afford to talk to anyone. I called Hospice. They offer free grief counseling, well, they have group meetings that are free. I'm not sure if it costs to talk to someone one on one. I talked to someone named Susan. She seems nice. I'm gonna see what my schedule is gonna be like next week and then maybe meet with her. I guess it's time daddy. Time I start figuring out all these feelings and how to not cry so much. Not that I don't think you aren't worth the tears but all the tears in the world aren't bringing you back to me. I wish you could come back. Everyone says that you are in a better place and that it was just 'your time' but I don't so much agree. OK, yeah, you're not hurting anymore and you're not dizzy anymore but I don't think it was 'your time'. I know you always told me that when it was time God punched your ticket and you were gonna get to ride on that long black train. Well, I wanna ride too. I miss you dad. Mom misses you. I'm sure the boys and all your friends do too. Gonna go for now. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 23

Hey papa. I have no fricking clue what is wrong with mom. You need to check on her. Seems like there is this tension there between us and seems like everything I say and do is wrong. She's been like this for a few weeks now. She was like this when I was there and is still like that. She told me before I left to text her anytime and so, like an idiot believing this was OK, I did. I sent her a message at 4something her time and waited then sent her another at 5something her time and she sends me back a message that said Some ppl have to work and don't have time to respond to messages. OK, I get that she's busy.. like I knew that 900 miles away?.. but really? She had to respond like that?! I know I have to and should be working too. Loved that dig. I know you'd hate to see things like this with me and mom. I have no idea what is up with her daddy. I don't know if it's her leg, work, the lawsuit, being alone, her taking on too much.. I don't know. I told her when I was there that we were on the same side but I guess she doesn't want me to be on her team right now. My feelings are just hurt again, no big, right? I should be getting used to it. I was telling Shaun I wish I knew how this 30 days was gonna turn out, I wouldn't have taken so much time off of work. I thought that mom was gonna need me, boy, was I wrong?! and then I thought, well, ok.. I'll use this time to clear my head and my head is more clouded than it was. I feel like I'm losing my mind some days. Shaun and I went for a drive today and all I kept thinking was ways we could have accidents where I got killed in them and he was OK. Yeah, still thinking I'd be better off gone. Apparently, I'm still playing games with that manager at Krystal's. She never responded to me all weekend and then Don told me to call her after 1030 this morning. I did and she said to come in on Friday to do the paperwork. Friday? Huh? She really has no time between today and then to do it? My patience is more than worn thin. Makes me wonder, if she treats me like she has before I've gotten the job, how on earth will she treat when I'm working there? I'm gonna use Tues-Thurs looking for something else. I really don't wanna have to go back to Convergys but it might just turn to that. I'm gonna confirm before I get all the paperwork done, if I find nothing this week, that she is gonna give me 40 hrs and work me on days like she had said when we first talked. Looking for a job completely sucks and plays havoc on your psyche.

I was telling Shaun how I hate being the age I am and have no idea what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life. I feel completely useless, I am completely useless. I look at the help wanted ads and I have to have this skill or that skill or this much education or that much. I have absolutely no direction for my life and that is so messed up! That's why, part of the reason, I think I'd just be better off gone. Who'd miss me anyhow? No one I can think of right off. OK. Maybe Robbie. Shaun might for a little while but that's about it. And they'd have money to get the debts all paid and money for Rob for college. Keep thinking of ways I can go that would be accidents. Saturday was the best day I've had in a long time, seeing my friend. Here we are on Monday and I'm right back to being as miserable as I was. Feeling like I'm the biggest waste of breath there is. I'm writing early today dad, didn't write yesterday cuz I didn't have much to say plus I thought I'd give you a day off. You're probably tired of hearing me whine too. I miss you dad. Could sure use one of your hugs today. Its hard for me to reach out to ppl to talk to when I try and get my hand smacked. I thought about finding someone neutral to talk to but figure I'd just be wasting my money and their time. I'm gonna be OK or die trying. I will let you have a good evening. Wrestling is on tonight. I'm sure you'll be watching it, enjoy. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. <3  

P.S. I was thinking of not writing you so much. I'm sure you are getting tired of trying to keep up and that you have things to do. I'll let you get to it. Go work on your walking sticks and hang out with mom a while. Maybe if you can get her to slow down long enough she will feel you there like me and Brian do. She needs something, though not sure what. OK then. Till I talk to you again. <3 u!

August 21st

Hey Papa.. wanna see something? Gimme a second.. see.. I got to see my friend today!! This is Maria. I'm not sure you remember her. We used to hang out in high school. She lives in Louisiana now. Even has the drawl they have down there.. like Jus-ton Wil-son.. hehe. I remember how you used to enjoy watching that silly cajun. Her mom and sons were with her. Her mom, the dear, told Maria when I got there to go get me something to eat. She said to me, you may be a little heavy but you need to eat, so go get something. What?! You haven't seen me in 22 yrs lady and that's the first thing you say to me?  Reminds me of someone else's mother. I told mom when I was telling her about it that I'm going to get a t-shirt made that says, Yes, I'm well aware of my size and I don't need you to point it out. Sheesh, anyway...we only got to see each other about 30 minutes but it was so worth it. It was so great seeing her. It was the best day I've had since before losing you. I actually smiled and it felt good. Now, if I can just keep it up. Was gonna say I hadn't cried today but I did.. I was just looking for this pic here and found some of you and lost it. Why can't I get over this dad? Why can't I get to a place where I can accept things and not cry everyday? When will life stop being so darn sucky?

    I'm still waiting to do the paperwork for Krystal's. Getting so tired of waiting too. I just want to get started, if I'm going to get started. If not, let me know so I can move on to something else or go back to Convergys. I'd like to at least give them a notice of some sort even if it's just hey, I won't be coming back on the 30th. I get that they are busy but seriously she can't call me and have me work on it while she is working? I'm sure it's not rocket science. I have filled out paperwork to get a job before. Why, no sir, I don't have any patience as of late. I take after mom, ya know.. :) She has little to no patience too. Uh, yes sir.. I know, it will work out if it's His will. Don was telling me that they he knows she was busy but still.. really.. the WHOLE day?? Huh.. yeah.. I heard you.. OK.. sheesh.. practicing a little patience. But remember it's only a practice run. :D LOL!

   Talked to mom today. She seemed OK. She said she's able to fasten her shoe now and the swelling has gone down a whole lot. That's so good to hear. She also said Richard and them came for dinner Friday and he cooked. That's nice. Yes sir, I know that he is 'in the area' and I'm not but still.  OK.. I'm being the duck.. you are sure talkative tonight daddy. :) Feels like you are right here sitting on my bed as I send this to you. I wish you were, I'd give you a great big hug and never let go. I'd get mom here on the red-eye and still be hugging you when we met her at the airport. If only, papa.. if only.

Shaun and Rob haven't been feeling good today. Shaun's had chest pains all day and his left arm has been hurting him. I kept asking if he needed to go to the hospital and he said no. Rob and I left to go see Maria and we got back and he was in bed. Rob went in Shaun's room to put the cat food in the closet, we keep it in there cuz the cats tear the bag up if we leave it on the porch, anyway, I asked him what his dad was doing and he said, he's just laying there. I said, What?! and he said, he's just laying in his bed. I hollered at Shaun and he didn't answer me but he was laying there with his eyes opened. Scared the buh-jesus outta me cuz I thought, OMG, NO!! I told him that he scared me too.. He just said, sorry. Rob came home from school yesterday feeling crappy. He called us while he was at school to ask us to bring him some allergy medicine cuz his nose was running real bad. I did but I don't think it's allergies. I mean, it could be, but today he's been real dizzy and said his head was hurting him. I don't know papa. He has till Monday to get better cuz I don't allow him to miss school. Well papa.. I don't know much else. I love you and still miss you terribly and there are days I'd love to join you but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Can you check and see when my ticket is gonna get punched?? Does God let you see things like that? Just like to know how much longer I got here. There are still a few things I'd like to see, like Rob graduate from high school and meet Shaun's grandson and have at least one more happy birthday..key word "happy".. so OK.. I guess I'm not ready. Things I have to do still, huh? I love you (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3

August 20

Hey papa. Today wasn't completely awful. It was still a bit sucky but tolerable. I finally got the test taken and yeah, I passed it! :) Now, I'm just waiting to do the paperwork so I can get started. The manager said she would get a hold of me sometime today, I thought, as to when we could do it and as I write this I've yet to hear from her. UGH!! So frustrating! Hopefully, before the weekend is over I will have the paperwork filled out. She truly makes me wonder if she even wants me there. 

 I haven't talked to mom this week. Well, we've texted but that's it. I guess she's been busy. From the text messages she seems to be OK. Tonight she seemed busy or bothered or mad.. hmm.. don't know really. She's off tomorrow so I will try to get her called. 

I get to see my friend tomorrow daddy!! I'm so excited. She's in Murfreesboro tonight. Less than 2 hours from me. :) She said she would be leaving there at 10, which is 11 my time, so by 1 I should see her!! Goody, goody gumdrops! I will let you know how it goes. I invited her here to eat with us but she is allergic to cats and as much fun as it might be to watch, I don't think we should watch her 'swell up like a bubble'.. her words.. LOL!! We're going to meet somewhere to have some tea or something. 

Today I pulled up some of the tile things we had in the kitchen, by the back door. The rug got ruined by the dogs and we thought about getting another one but figured the idiots would ruin it too so Rob suggested we square up the area and frame it out. I thought, hmm.. and Shaun said, yeah.. so I worked on it today. Did almost the whole thing by myself. My arm hurts from all the scrubbing I did to get the goop off the floor. I wanted to call you today and ask you what to use to get it up but as soon as I thought it, the next thought was.. I can't. Rob helped me cut the framing/edging whatever you call it. We ended up doing it backwards but aw well.. it's done. 

I better go papa..  I love you.. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3

August 19

Hey papa.. i don't have a whole lot to tell you today. I didn't do a thing. I cried a lot. Today it's been 9 weeks since you've been gone. I looked for a song to put on my facebook page for you. Took me a while too.

I was told yet again today that the damn computer won't connect. Done playing the game. I'm going to go to a different Krystal's tomorrow. If they shoot me down, then it ain't meant to be and I will reluctantly go back to Convergys. I'm standing at the counter waiting for someone to tell me if the computer is working and thinking to myself, why the hell am I wasting my time, trying so hard to get on here?

The only other thing I did today was take a nap. I went to bed late last night looking for and listening to songs. I found this one too.. well, I tried to add it but you will need to go to the other website to see it, K? I know you were never one to use the internet much but it's a fascinating thing. Just click the link and watch it then you can get off it. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit <3

August 18

Hey Papa.. well phooey.. I tried yet again to take that test and again the computer is down. OMG! I am getting so frustrated. I sent a text message to the manager and to Don and neither one answered the msgs. Shaun said, just go to another store.. hmm.. there's a thought! I just might do that. I like that suggestion. He said, you have the same opportunities to advance at which ever store you go to. So true! He's so smart sometimes.

Did nothing again today. Talked to my friend, Maria, get to see her Saturday! I can't wait! She's leaving at 4 am to head to Ft Knox to see her son graduate from basic training. She's a stronger mom than me cuz I will def not be letting Boo enter the military. He's my one and only. My baby. 

We made 20bux scrubbing out Judy's garbage can. It was so nasty! Shaun said we were going to use the money to go eat tomorrow. Uh, nope. He took a nap after dinner and when he got up he wanted to know which account he could use to go get cigarettes. I said, none of them. Use that $20 you got from mom to get them. He said it was for lunch. I told him we had no biz going to eat if that's all the money there is. Told him to use it for his cigarettes. We found out a carton of cigs cost 26 bux. Put together what cash we had and he got a carton and told him it has to last him until the 29th. Gives him a pack a day. Told him if he runs out before the 29th he's SOL until the 29th. We should maybe have his check by then. He's smoked over 100 bux THIS month alone.. I didn't realize he had been smoking so much until I crunched the numbers. I think mom woulda skinned you if you had used up that much for tobacco. You probably did when you were driving the truck, huh? 

Mom asked me if I was OK today. Oh yes, I'm fine. ROTFL! I don't know what I am. I'm blah.. I'm emotionless.. OK, not emotionless but numb. I watched this video of military ppl who surprised their families with their return and the caption said it would make you cry.. I felt nothing. I want to find a hole to crawl into and be left alone. I want to laugh and be the fun person I used to be. I don't even like my company right now. So, am I fine? No, I'm not fine but I will be OK. And if I talked to someone, what would that solve? They'd have my money and I'd still be miserable. So, yeah.. I'm fine. That's what I'm gonna tell you and whoever else asks, ok dad? (wink, wink) Makes me think of that song, Nobody Knows it but Me. The whole song doesn't fit but most of it does cuz I'm certainly not glad you went away. Ask God to play it for you. 

Boo got his ring today. Oh daddy! It's so kewl! We made a kewl looking ring.. you'd be impressed. It fits me and Shaun too. Rob said it was hard to write today with it on. I told him once he got used to it he wouldn't even feel it. But it is right nice. It's sitting on my table now. Not sure what his plans are for it. He said knowing how much it cost makes him nervous to wear it. Think I might be perturbed if he doesn't wear it, given how much it cost. Guess I'll go papa. I love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. <3