June 17, 2014

Hey there papa. 4 years ago or shall I say 1461 days, 3 hours, 53 minutes and 27 seconds ago life for all of us changed. I still remember the phone call I got from Aunt Norma, her telling me, "Mindy honey, I'm so sorry. Your dad was killed in an accident this morning...." I think she might have said more to me but I don't know. I lost it. Straight lost it. I didn't know then it was possible to shed so many tears, to hurt that bad. To want to die in that moment. You were my best friend daddy. You always listened to me go on about something that was important to me and let me just get it out. You'd let me cry on your shoulder, hug me tight and tell me everything was going to be OK but at that moment you were no longer able to. I remember the drive home to Kansas with Shaun and Robbie. I think that's the quickest I've ever gotten there. I had to get to mom to hug her, hold her. I was so worried about her and you. I wanted to see you but they wouldn't let us until we got to the funeral home. I hoped it was some sick joke, that you were gonna come around the corner any minute and everything was going to be fine. But no. It had really happened. I remember how your truck looked, the blood that had ran down the door. The air bag out. The mail on your dash. You had done your morning errands and had been to the post office but had been too early to pick up the package I had sent you for Father's Day. I went with mom and we picked it up. I remember the clerk handing it to me and me holding it so tight, bawling again. Poor Snickee not understanding why all of us were crying and so sad and you weren't there. When we came in from the sheriff's office with your things and Snick sniffing them and looking so confused that you weren't with your stuff. He's a great dog daddy. Mom has taken good care of him since you left. He's like the final piece of you left. I'm glad he's with mom to give her some companionship, someone to talk to even though he can't "talk" back. I don't wanna make this a sad day. It was a sad day but life has gone on and must go on. Last year mom and I met for lunch and it was a good day. I'm alone today but somehow I'm going to make it a good day. Joe is working and I keep my circle real small so not anyone I can really call today to hang out with. But I wanna remember the good days. The laughs we shared, the talks we had. I loved our phone calls daddy. I looked forward to them every week. I remember our last. It was the Sunday before the accident. You called me and told me you just wanted to call to tell me you love me. You had important things to do and were going to be busy all week. It's like you knew. We talked about things going on with me, nothing exciting, The last thing we said to each other was I love you and that daddy is one thing I'm so happy about. Some people part having said cross words or something they later might regret. I luckily was able to tell you one last time, I love you, if I had only known it would be THE last time.
I remember growing up and always being your sidekick. Your little helper. I remember washing your motorcycle and you told me to go turn on the hose and I slipped and fell and hit my head on the spicket right in the middle of my forehead and you carrying me in the house, laying me on the kitchen table and mom and grandma taking care of me. I always wanted to take a ride on that bike but you sold it before we could. I remember going on a family trip and you picking me up and pretending you were gonna throw me over the bridge, I had on these bright red tennis shoes. I knew you weren't really gonna do it. I always felt so safe with you. Our family trip, just us and mom. The boys were at church camp and we went to Branson. That was probably one of my favorite times. Getting you and mom to myself. The times we'd go fishing, I hated fishing but loved spending time with you, you'd bait my hook and help me cast it out. I'd sit there and reel it back in slowly and never catch anything. I remember when we were fishing at night one time and I touched the lantern and burned my hands, you wrapped my hands in a wet t-shirt until we got home and the time I got stung by a bee and you took me home and put this baking soda mixture on my leg. When we'd go to breakfast, just you and me. You eating the jelly on the table, because it was there. Dumpster diving, our roadside finds, you teasing me with possums or tell me a possum story. I'll always cherish that one last road trip we had together when you and I drove back here because I had to be home for work the next morning and I couldn't get a flight back. I have so many wonderful memories of you daddy. You were old school and you taught us your values, taught us respect and right from wrong and would correct us when we forgot and you taught us how to treat other people. You were the kindest man I had ever known. You'd do anything for anybody. I remember on one the last trips home before the accident, you and I had gone to Dillon's and there was this guy leaving and he had a bunch of groceries and was on a bike, you told him to put his groceries in the back with his bike and to get in and we took him home. I thought you had lost your mind doing this for a stranger but that was who you were. Kind hearted. You'd see a person in need and you'd step up. I see ppl and wanna lend a hand too but the way the world is you just can't anymore and that's sad. People are plum crazy dad. I could sit here all day and write about all the fun, crazy, happy and not so happy times we had but I think ima find something to do. Something that makes me smile and think of you. Thank you for being my father, and my friend. I'm beyond blessed having to had you as mine. I love you dad so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

June 15

Hi daddy. Today is Father's Day. I kept it together today. Better than years past, when I'd be sad and cry off and on cuz you're not here. I know you would be if you could be. Had to work this morning. We were so busy. I don't like busy. And church people. They act like we're beneath them cuz we are working and they went to church. They leave such a mess too. Almost hard to believe they've just come from church.
So, what do I know... not a damn thing daddy. Life is going good. Joe and I are still happy as clams. Bills paid, food in our cupboards, gas in the car. Have some tenants I want gone so bad but for some reason Denny is dragging his heels, saying we need more complaints from other tenants about them being disruptive. Seriously? We gave them a letter about a month ago that said basically, shut up or get out and one more complaint and they were to be sent away but even though we've gotten said complaint, he's saying now he needs more. Ugh! If the gig wasn't so sweet and our place wasn't so close to both of our jobs I'd almost entertain moving but that will be a chore and a half. We've accumulated a lot in the short time we've been together. Pretty impressive from what we started with, a bed and a TV.
Both our jobs are going good. Joe got promoted to shift manager Tuesday. I didn't think it'd ever happen. He has to wait until the new quarter starts before they start training him but he got it. He'll get his pay raise when he starts training. I'm still pleased in the position I'm in. I still want assistant manager but I don't want to have to transfer to another store if I get it, that's why I haven't gotten into the books. Don't fix what ain't broke, ya know.
Mom is going to be here Friday. I wanted to meet her halfway or maybe go to her house on the 17th but she's busy this week doing church camp. Plus we don't really have the extra money for gas and Joe wouldn't let me go alone cuz he has a lot to do around here Wednesday and can't get away. I was a little upset that we had talked and planned on meeting for lunch or something the 17th and then all of the sudden she had church camp to do. But I understand, that's mom and that's life. Mom has always found stuff to keep her busy. I don't know if she does it so she doesn't have to think about what's going on or if she just doesn't know how to light. I'm glad though she can come Friday. Tuesday it'll have been 4 years since you left. I'm taking Tuesday off, I don't know what I'm going to do but we'll be talking that day. I work Monday then I'm off until Saturday afternoon. Almost wish I could get away from here a few days but alas, I cannot. I had asked for Tuesday off, Wed/Thurs are my usual days off and Friday I asked if I could work 12-5 cuz mom won't be here until the evening but I guess she didn't need me so I'm off. I'll figure out something to do with myself.  I know nothing else. Happy Father's Day! Miss you so much. I love you dad! (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit!

May 18

Hi daddy. Ain't been here in a while. Everything is going good.

Love you. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. XOXOX 

April 14

Hi dad. It's been a minute since I've talked to you on here, huh? I'm good. Joe and I are great. Ain't been much happening. Just day to day, same old, same old. Work is going ok. I haven't delved into my asst mgr books yet. My boss told me she's not sure if I'd have to change stores or not, said something about with her n I both salary we couldn't work together anymore, couldn't work the same days cuz we're only allowed a certain amount of hrs in a day and her n I would be 20 hrs. I'll get into them. Eventually. I told Missy I want to learn all of it but I'm happy staying a shift mgr if it means I don't have to leave the store. I know I'm probably selling myself short but if something ain't broke best not to tinker with it, right? Day shift has been incredibly slow so we've been running with 3 ppl on Monday-Wednesday. Makes doing breaks hard but helps labor I guess. 

Mom ended up coming to see us. Her weekend visit turned into 2 weeks thanks to the lovely idiots who worked on my car. I needed my clutch replaced and we looked everywhere to get it done for what I had saved up. Asked friends, coworkers, everyone where we should go. Found this place who said they'd do it for 350 and turn my flywheel for free. Ok, deal. Since that's what I had and for some reason I believed he was an honest, Christian businessman cuz he had Christian music playing when you go in his office. Nay nay I say. That was a ruse. He had his dingleberry son and a high school kid working on my car. He installs the clutch we provided and put it back together and the clutch pedal wouldn't go down so they claimed I needed my master cylinder replaced. Tell me they'll order it, we wait 4 days. It gets sent to the wrong warehouse, gets lost at the warehouse, they order one from Kia and it's not even the right master cylinder. My sister-in-law's boyfriend goes out with Joe and looks at it and tells the kid it's not my mc, it's gotta be the clutch. He says he'll take it back apart but it'll cost another 300 if it's the clutch we provided. Wouldn't ya know it, it was the clutch. Of course. We get a different clutch, takes them almost 2 days to install. Finally got my car back. My clutch pedal and brake pedal were like right next to each other when I got in. Drove it home, I tell Joe something's not right with my pedals. He was able to just pull my clutch pedal back where it was supposed to be. I was so mad with the entire situation daddy. I feel like we were ripped off, we were charged for turning the flywheel. We asked and they said they never said that. Liars! We weren't offered even as much as a gee, we're sorry it took so long or a discount or anything. I feel like if this guy was any kind of reputable businessman he woulda taken it back apart the first day to see if maybe, just maybe, something was wrong with the clutch instead of make us wait and go thru all that unnecessary BS and extra cost. Mom said I needed to be patient and they weren't idiots. In my opinion they were. It's my opinion. My blog, my thoughts. Mine. I will most definitely never ever let them touch my car again, ever.  Don't care if I'm broke down, sitting in a dark forest and zombies and bears are surrounding my car. Never! Mom was really great helping me get it paid for, adds to my hugemungus bill I have with her but I really do appreciate her help. She stayed cuz we were without a car. We told her we woulda figured out what to do if she went home, and she did go home before we got it back cuz she had a dr's appt. She left on a Tuesday and I didn't get it back until that Saturday. Blithering idiots.  My opinion. 

Mom has lost 46 lbs since I last talked to her, I'm proud of her. I hate what she went thru in order to do it but she's happy and being happy is all that matters. I've learned that. I'm nothing but happy these days and I love it! 

I haven't talked much to Brian the past month. He pissed me off. Called him cuz I hadn't talked to him in a while and barely two minutes in he snapped at me cuz I asked if he was sleeping. Didn't know that was such a touchy subject. I found that metal clipboard thing you had from Groendyke for your logs. Thought he could use it, would want it cuz it was yours. Didn't even get to ask if he wanted it, now I don't even know if I want him to have it. I hung up on him. It was the wrong day to snap at me. I know, stupid reason to not talk to him. I finally called him the other day, talked about a minute. Just hi, bye basically. Didn't feel like talking to him. I will, idk when but I will. 

Joe n I are doing great, still happy as a clam. Our 1st anniversary is in 11 days. It's been an awesome year. Still happy, happy. He's my favorite person in the history of like, ever. I've only had a handful of favorite ppl in my life. I still wish you coulda met him, known him. You'd have loved him. I've been talking about you, telling him things about you. He said I wish I coulda met him, he sounds like he was a helluva guy. I think he n I coulda been friends. I think so too daddy. Don't know much else. I miss you so much.  I love you dad. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. XOXO

 Yep, sure have. 

February 27

Hi Papa! Gee golly how I miss you. There are so very many days I'd love to be able to pick up the phone and call you. I miss your voice. Heck, I MISS YOU! I don't know a whole lot. Mom is doing OK I guess. We've talked but not much about her surgery. What's done is done. It is what it is. Seems silly to still be mad about it cuz she done did it. She had planned on doing it all along so idk why she asked me what I thought and got me in my tizzy. Just wish you were here. She goes Tuesday to find out if she can have pureed foods. Um, yummy? Can't even imagine. She could almost just buy some baby food. It's pureed and got the nutrients in it. Oy vey. Ick! It's what she wanted to do so I just hope she's ok, recovers well and gets to where she can eat actual food. I love eating too much to go thru something like that but more power to her. She was going to maybe come in March but idk if she still is. We talked about it but she thinks we are mad at her. We're not. We just don't understand why she felt she had to do it. It's her life, her body, was her decision. She's going to Louisville which is 3 hrs from her and then maybe come here or vice versa. It's 5 hrs to here from Louisville or 6.5 from her house. So her coming from Louisville is like driving from her house almost. The older she gets the more I worry about her being out on the roads. Like I did you. I was always so worried about you when you would come here alone and then leave for home. I would check and re-check my phone for the message from mom that you got home safely. I would have never forgiven myself if something had happened to you coming or going from my house. Guess God was the only one who knew that you would go away so close to your house. What, like less than 5 miles? I think you knew that it was about your time. You would always talk about it, that it was your last birthday and then when I had that dream days before it happened, I should have known it was about to happen. Still wish it hadn't. Every single day. Mom said she's wants to live a quality life and live as long as grandma did. I told her that's not her decision, it's His.
Guess what? I finally got my books for assistant manager. No really! I'm excited but it looks so daunting. So many more books to do. I didn't get a chance to talk to Missy today and find out her timeline on it and if I might be moved to another store or if we can even afford to have a 2nd salary manager cuz I'm NOT going to another store. I'll stay a shift manager if I might have to move. I love the convenience of where work is, I love the ppl I work with (most of them) and love working there. Does it make me a loser that I love my fast food job? LOL. I've done so many things in my life but who knew I'd be happy working fast food? I guess God did. It just took me a while to get where I am with the eighty-eleven jobs I've had. Letcha know how it goes.
Me n Joe are great of course. Just love him to pieces. Some times I have to pinch myself that it's me in this awesome relationship with this terrific guy who loves me so much. To come from where I was for so long to this is like a total 360.  They are short handed on cooks at his work so he's been having to run the whole kitchen by himself lately. He gets home at night and is so tired. I appreciate how hard he works for us. He's amazing. He's absolutely nothing like dumdum and I am so thankful for that. He helped me clean up the apartment before he went to work the other night so I wouldn't have anything to do while he was gone. Sweet, huh? I got so lucky with him daddy. I feel myself push back some cuz I'm so scared I'm just in a dream and he's maybe not real. He sure feels real though. :)  I guess I'll go for now. Love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

February 11

Hi papa.. well, she gone and done it dad. She says she's doing great. I hope she really is. Aunt Norma is with her. I'm not sure what I think. I'm not sure what to say to her.  I'm upset she did it but its what she wanted to do so I hope everything is going good and stays that way. Still don't get why at 66 she felt she needed to do it when she was losing weight going to the gym. "Because I wanted to do it for over 20 years" just doesn't sound right. There's things I wanted to do for years but haven't and all is still right in my world. Maybe it's some bucket list thing. I don't know many ppl who have, "Have 85% of my stomach removed" as a bucket list kinda thing but who knows. Stranger things have happened, right? Maybe she's having a later life thing.  I still think something is going on with her she doesn't want to face or admit. She's changed so much lately. She's like a different person. Maybe it's just hard for me to see mom not as mom. Not doing the things she used to do. The things she talked about doing when she was planning her retirement. I'm happy she's living her life, doing things she wants to do, I guess I just don't understand all of them. Not that I have to. I just feel like an outsider, like everything is a big secret from me and I feel way outta the loop. I have for a long time now.  
I don't know a whole lot. Work is going OK. We had our SER yesterday and we passed. I was so scared when the lady showed up. My heart about beat outta my chest. I called the troops in and we did OK. We missed a few things we shouldn't have but we passed and Missy was happy. She told the lady I was training to be assistant manager. I was like HUH?! in my head. I mean, I guess I am but when I actually hear her say it, it still kinda shocks me. I just wanna tell her to not say such things out loud. I want assistant manager. I guess I just don't feel fully ready to take on the responsibility plus I'm worried how it'll affect Josh since he's been there so long. He doesn't want it but he does know more than I do. Guess I worry he will try running over me. I'm trying to learn all he knows so I can step into things when it's time with the confidence that I can. I know I can. Its just learning all I need to, to be prepared. I'm gonna get there though dad. I hope I make ya proud even though you're not here.
Joe is working. He went in at 3. They told him they were closing at 6 cuz we have some weather moving in but he's still there. Guess they changed their minds. We need the money so it's all good. They are about to work him to death though. The new shift leader cuts way too many ppl and it always leaves Joe in the kitchen closing alone and they are still really busy and he has everything to still do to go home. I told him he should talk to the GM and see what can be done cuz that's just not right to leave him with so much to do by himself. He works so hard. He's a good man daddy. Takes good care of your baby girl.  I enjoy every minute we spend together. Every single one. He is an absolute blessing to me. :) I still think it was a God n daddy thing I got him. So thanks again for sending him this way. He's made me nothing but happy since day 1. :)
Oh yeah, the weather. We're supposed to get up to 5 inches of snow and ice too. They've closed most of Georgia, I'm not kidding. We got like 2 inches a couple weeks ago and it paralyzed Atlanta. Kids were sleeping at their schools or stuck on buses cuz they couldn't get home. It was re-donk-Q-Less!!! Ppl suffer from chicken little syndrome around here when it comes to the weather. The mention of the "s" word and store shelves are bare, schools are closed before the first flake falls from the sky. I think the kids have been to maybe a week of school since classes resumed in January because of the weather. Just glad I don't have a school kid cuz I'd be one mad mom. I was going to get to see Bubby but he ran outta hours before he got here so he had to stop in Monteagle. He did his loads and picked up another and got outta Dodge before the weather hits. Maybe next time. Don't know nuffin else. I love you papa. Miss you so much. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

 I enjoyed every moment we got to spend together. 

February 4

Hi papa. Into the 2nd month of 2014 already. Time goes by too fast the older I get. I don't know a whole lot. Mom came a couple weeks ago and surprised us. She had Brian bring her and he dropped her off. He just kept telling me I had to meet him cuz he had something he needed to drop before he went on to Atlanta. I was so confused. I got there and it was mom. I was definitely surprised. I was also a little upset and didn't do a good job hiding that. I was upset because I wasn't expecting her, my guest room wasn't ready and we had no food in the house. I felt bad. I didn't mean to make her feel bad about coming. She was just here overnight then her and bubby went back home.  She said she'd never surprise us again. I certainly didn't mean to make her feel like that. 
I'm also upset that she's having the surgery. It makes me so upset daddy. Makes me wonder what is happening to my mother. She is determined to have this unnecessary surgery for what? To tuck her shirt in? She can do that now. She has been losing weight with her new diet and exercising at the gym so I just don't get why she thinks she needs to have her stomach butchered up to continue losing weight. Spend her hard earned money that she said over and over how she needed every penny for her retirement and she could use it on something else. Quilting supplies, a nice trip some place, pay off more of her house, treats for Snickee, heck.. anything besides this stupid surgery. I don't want her having this surgery to mess up our relationship. I don't know how to even begin to pretend that I'm OK with it when I'm not. I don't know how to support her on something I am so against. I can't even hum a few bars and fake it. I worry enough about her, this'll just make me worry even more. What if there's complications, what if she dies on the operating table or becomes a vegetable cuz they screw up. I know, what if.. but seriously dad, what if?!! Something is going on with her, I truly believe that. She's changed so much since you had to go. She cut off all of her hair, like super short. I was shocked. She had been saying she wanted a haircut and I thought she meant a few inches, maybe the ends of it but nope, all of it. I know, it's only hair but she's had long hair forever. It was just kinda different to see her hair gone and not on top of her head in a bun. Mom means so much to me and it makes me sad that she thinks she has to waste money to have a surgery she doesn't need to lose weight. I wouldn't consider her fat like the ppl you see who have the surgery on tv. Its like a person who has a facelift when they were beautiful before they did it and didn't need it done.  I know she went thru some things losing you, I understand that completely cuz I did too but losing your husband is different than losing your dad even when it's the same person. I know she went thru some depression losing you and being alone, but she seemed to come out of it, or she was just putting on a brave face. I don't know. I just don't get it daddy. I mean, if I told her I was going to go do something unnecessary and risky, say jump out of a plane or kiss a cobra, because I wanted to, I think she would tell me how she wouldn't and doesn't think I should and wish I didn't.  I know she would, because she's my mom and would worry about me. I wish I could get thru to her, get her to understand and not do it. I can't even be there when she has the surgery or during the aftercare. I have to be here to work plus I'm second fiddle to auntie. I became 2nd fiddle a long time ago. I guess all I can do is pray she gets thru it ok and nothing bad happens cuz she's def not listening to me or hearing me. Its not fair of me anyway to tell her what to do and I don't expect her to listen to me. I sure wish she'd reconsider though. It's going to change her life so much. More than she knows. She thinks she knows but this is going to be a game changer.
I don't know daddy. I guess since you had to go I've changed too. I've pulled back from being close to mom and the boys, to about everyone in my life, except Joe. I guess so I don't get hurt as bad when I lose someone else. Even me and Rob aren't close anymore. I cling to Joe though, he's my whole world right now. He's my happy. It'd ruin me if I lost him. You'd have to scoot over cuz I'd be on my way to see you if he had to go. Ya know that time you told me that you sometimes felt like if you went away no one would care.. I think that way too sometimes. Even though you were way wrong. Ppl care. You leaving left such a void. I could almost kick myself that it's been almost 4 years and as I type this I'm crying. Snap out of it, huh? I don't know nothing else. Work is going ok. Things around here at the apartments are going ok. Life is going good. Thanks for listening to me whine. I love you papa. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.