November 30

Hi papa.. So how magnificent was the spread on Thursday? I'm sure it's done way up right up there in Heaven. Joe and I just spent Thursday together. Just another day off for us. We slept most of the day. Had brunch about 2ish. Then took another nap. Don't really know much. Just wanted to say hello. Mom had her appointment Wednesday to see if she can get the surgery. She said she'll know for sure in a week or so. Still hoping the dr says no but I'll do my best to be supportive if it's yes. I just really, really don't think she needs to have it done. I just think there are so many alternatives. So many other safe ways to lose weight where you can keep your body in one piece. I wonder what you would have told her, I wonder if you would have gone along with it to please her or if you would have said no way or if she would have even told you about it, meaning keep it to herself she wanted to do it. Its not my place to tell her she shouldn't do it but I can lend my opinion.  She's been doing things she's always wanted to do with auntie. I'm glad she's able to finally do them. I'm doing the same thing with Joe. S never wanted to do anything with me. It was always either video games, sleep or cigarettes. When we moved down here they started having their vacations without me cuz I couldn't get off work.
Mom came last week. It was good to have her here. Sucked to see her leave. We didn't really do much. Just hung out around here. She cooked. It was good. I've missed that home cooking. I cook but I don't make things like she cooks. I need to get all her recipes before I'm not able to so I can make them later. I wanted her to make egg noodles but I forgot. We had so much other yummy things. Coulda gone for a chocolate sheet cake but Joe thinks its too rich. No point in making something not everyone is going to enjoy, right? I don't really know anything else. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) I still miss you every day. Talk to you in a little bit.

November 14

Hi papa..I don't know much, I just wanted to say hello. Mom will be here next week. I'm looking forward to it. Its not the actual Thanksgiving but it'll still be nice to have her here. We're still gonna have tday dinner. Do it up big as Joe said. Mom said it's about family and being together, so it shall be.
Mom is still convinced to get that surgery. I wish I could talk her out of it but she is determined. There's still time daddy if you could talk to the big guy and get him to pass the right info onto the dr's she's going to see the 27th. She said we'd talk more about it when she comes. Missy is gonna talk to her too. I just still think there are other options. Better options that leave her body parts intact that the good Lord gave her when she entered this world.
Rob gave Shaun a Christmas list a mile long and he's actually getting him most of the stuff on the list. They gave me "my list".. the expensive stuff, the stuff they don't wanna get him or didn't want to but decided to go ahead and get anyway. So, I'm mad now and don't wanna play so I'm probably gonna just get him a gift card, send him some money. He's almost 20, he doesn't need lots of presents on Christmas. If it had been me I would have said, OK, pick 3 things on here and let it go at that. S still treats R like he's 12 and not almost 20.
You know, life has changed so much in a years time. A year ago I was fighting with dumdum about everything and having to deal with him and his attitude and now I'm happy, life is virtually stress free and I'm able to just breathe and be me. I miss Rob, I miss the whole being a mom thing at times but I am also happy that I'm just able to be. To be me. To be happy. I think about 2004 when S came back, how I thought I needed him back. Boy, was I wrong!! I think me and R woulda done just fine continuing on our own. I'd still be in Kansas. I wouldn't know Joe but hmm.. scratch all that.. I am happy everything happened when I think about the end result. God knew exactly what he was doing having us move here. Joe is every reason I'm happy these days. He's every reason I smile. God knew I needed Joe just as much as Joe needed me.
Over on Post Oak close to where we used to live these two kids broke in to some guy's place thinking the homeowner wasn't there, he heard a commotion and went to investigate and saw the boys. the homeowner then shot at them and hit one of them in the neck and he died. He was only 17 but still he shouldn't have been there.
I don't know much else papa. Guess I'll get on with my evening. I love you daddy. (forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.

November 4

Hi dad. Welp, we didn't get thru to her. She's gonna do it. Makes me sad. Makes me worry even more about her. I just don't understand why at 65 she wants to have 90% of her stomach cut out. I can't believe the dr would ok it, heck, even suggest it. It's just crazy. I told her that I support her, I do. I don't support her getting this surgery. I don't think she needs it. I don't know why the dr wouldn't try suggesting putting her on a strict so many calories a day diet, no sugars, no white flour, no starchy foods. Some type of exercise daily. I just think there are so many other options. I love momma so much. I just wish I could understand why she feels this is her only option. I told her I'm gonna be there when she has the surgery and I'm gonna try to stay a few days after. Guess it depends on the weather if I can go and how long. I wish she'd just wait until next spring. I don't understand why the rush. Makes me think its already been in the works or something and she just didn't wanna tell me. She's got appointments on the 27th to make sure she can have the surgery so now she's not going to be here for Thanksgiving which makes me really sad. She said she can still come the week before or after but it's not gonna be the same thing. I was so looking forward to taking the time off work to spend with her but now I can't, I'll just have my usual days off. Its been 3 yrs since I last had Thanksgiving with her. I gotta talk to Joe first and see what he thinks. 

The past few days at work have sucked massively. We've been so busy because of the 1st of the month. Luckily the ppl I work with are pretty good when we get in a pinch. We work together as a team but there's always a few things that don't go how I have them in my head, then I get irritated. But that's life I guess. This job is actually one I rather enjoy. Not near as much stress as Krystal. Slim to none most days, in fact. Today we started soups and salads. I don't think ima like them. They are so time consuming and I don't know how some ppl will react when we tell them it'll be 5 minutes for a sandwich cuz we have to cook the main ingredient to order. Then I think about Sundays, we're gonna get slaughtered with the soups n salads. A guy from corporate was there all day. Tried my best to keep our i's dotted and our t's crossed. Guess I did ok. 

Anyway, today just isn't a good day. I'm gonna find some dinner, pout and maybe take a nap before Joe gets home. I sure could use one of your hugs today. I love you daddy. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

October 28

Hi papa..How's heaven today? Can't wait until it's my day to see that wonderful place and be with you again. I'm doing OK. I'm worried about mom though. Wish you were here so badly. My boss had weight loss surgery a month ago and I've been telling mom about it. She's seriously considering getting it done. She's going to the doctor Thursday to discuss it with him. Dad, I'm at a loss for words. I've been trying to get her to understand she doesn't need it done. She's beautiful the way she is. She's mom. She's Bev. She's wonderful just like she is. I worry about her doing it cuz of her age, cuz of her blood pressure problems and all that. I worry her doing it and being alone. I know auntie is right there but still. Her and I are about the same size and I would never fathom doing it. I don't think it's safe. She's already lost a lot of weight since we lost you. She's fine the way she is.  I worry about losing her and if that happens, I'll be lost. I know we will someday but hopefully not for years and years to come. She's always the one who's always there for me whenever I need someone to talk to, vent to, cry to, laugh with, she's my loudest cheerleader. She's my best friend and the only person besides Joe that I can talk to about anything and not be embarrassed. I think there's more to it then losing the weight. I think she's sad and still depressed about losing you and I think she's a little lonely. She keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to think about things but she's apparently slowed down enough to start thinking about things. I mean, if there were things she couldn't do... like walk up stairs, even just a few or get in and out of the bathtub cuz of her size, tie her shoes I might understand but she can do all those things. I know her knees are hurting her but I don't think it's so much cuz of her weight. I think it has to do with the falls she took at work and also her age. God made her fluffy and made me fluffy. We are who we are. I'd like to lose weight too but I know what I need to do and that's get off my lard butt and move it and stop eating so much dang sugar and watch my portions. I've done nothing about losing weight since we lost you. I've gained 23 lbs since me and Joe got together and he thinks I'm perfect the way I am. I beg to differ but if he's happy, heck, so am I. How I wish you were here to hug her, remind her how beautiful she is, how special and important she is to so many people and tell her she does not need to have this drastic, irreversible risky surgery. I'm trying daddy but she's not hearing me.
In other news of my world, work is going OK. Still waiting to get my bonus that we earned. Was supposed to be on our last check but it wasn't so hopefully this next one. Need to get Hoochee fixed and get my title and tag crap taken care of for my car. Also start thinking about getting Christmas presents and Joe's birthday is coming too. Gonna try to find him something special, working on it. It'll be tricky though cuz we do everything together so gotta get it somehow so he doesn't know about it. Haven't really talked to Robbie. I guess Shaun is going to try to get him to enroll in the community college and take some graphic arts classes. I don't think either one of them realize that you have to take core classes before you take the classes you're going to school for. Whatev. I'm not much a part of their world anymore, I'm on a need to know basis,  getting kinda used to it. I was looking at my ex mother in laws Facebook page the other day and she has this post on there about Shaun and it says something about he's living in Utah now and is happily married. I had to LOL cuz that's like saying he and I never were. We were at some point, not towards the end, but sometime in the 20 years we were. Or I was anyway. I don't think she ever really liked me but just between you, me and the hole in the wall.. I didn't ever really like her. She was always so judgmental. Always acted like Shaun did no wrong. I remember when she came in 2000 and I suspected Shaun was cheating on me she told me I should just accept it cuz I was doing nothing to hold on to him as far as like wearing makeup and trying to lose weight. I was who I was and I didn't wear makeup cuz he always accused me of cheating on him if I went out with makeup on. It's whatever. He is no longer my problem or even a thought to me. I'm elated in the position and place I am now. Joe is an absolute blessing and gift from God above and I thank him every single day for such a wonderful, caring man that I know without a doubt truly loves me. Guess I'll go. If there's a way you can, let mom know you are still here with us. Give her a hug, send her a sign. Daddy, she doesn't need that surgery, speak thru that doctor and tell her. I love you. I miss you every single day. (forehead kiss!!-- Huge Hug) Talk to you in a little bit.

October 14

Hi dad. How be you? I'm ok. I miss you. I was piddling around on the Internet and came across our old place. It's only 21K. Lol. I'm sure being a foreclosure they didn't fix the sewer problems. Its a nice thought to toy with the idea of getting it back but I also think that's a chapter of my life long gone and over with. It wouldn't be the same. Plus it's more room than Joe and I need. Being in the garage would be hard cuz that was where you hung out when you came. Seeing Rob's room empty would be impossible. Betcha he'd move back though. Dreams make the world go round, huh? 

Work is going ok. I'm so ready for Missy to come back. She's supposed to on Wednesday. We made bonus, did I tell you that? I ain't never made bonus before. Idk how much but still sweet I'm getting one. We need to get Hoochee spayed and I need to get my title n tags taken care of so probably use it for that. Hopefully. That's the plan anyway. Nothing else has been said about me moving up yet but if my competition is Chase and Josh, I'm in like Flynn. 

We got to see mom last week which was great of course. Time always goes by too fast though. Joe and I helped her by cleaning out her garage and Joe hung pictures all around and her clocks. She'll never be late cuz she's got lots of clocks. :) I'd like to get some more time off and go up and help her go thru those tubs. I'm sure we could have one heckuva garage sale or donate a lot to some good cause. Snick was so happy to see her. He knew right where we were when we were getting into her area. He perked up, was looking out the window, shaking his nub. Lol. He's not sure about her floor though. He'll get the hang of it, I think a good manicure may help too. I think he needed her as much as she needs him. I feel a little better knowing she's not alone. Alone sux sometimes. I'm worried about her knee though. I think it's the same one she hurt when she fell at work. Next time we go I wanna go during the day so we can go to the donut bank in Evansville. That place is neat and the donuts are so yummy. We went to Villas when we were there. I like that place. Deb made that yummy soup for us, for me. I love that stuff. Mom made that cinnamon chocolate cake. I wish I had brought more of it home with me. Only brought 4 pcs and I've devoured them so I'm all out until I see her again. I should probably get the recipe, huh? Mom is doing ok, she's sad and I think probably lonely too. She still misses you as do I. She keeps herself busy with church things or her quilting. Her and auntie galavant, I'm glad she's got her to be with. Her n auntie are real close and I suppose if I can't be there, she's the next best thing. The drive home was long. Seemed long. Joe kept dozing off so it was hard for me to stay awake but I did.  We got home about 430. 

Don't know much else daddy. Suppose I'll go. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit. 

September 27

Hi daddy. It's been awhile since I've posted here. All is well. I am happy. When I started this blog it was a way for me to feel like I still had a connection to you, to help me keep my sanity, so we could still have our talks but this blog has helped me heal in a way. I also realize no matter how many times I post it's not going to bring you back. I still miss you every single day, I still miss our phone calls, our visits, your hugs, your advice, your silliness, your laughter, your orneriness, our heart to heart talks, just hanging out together. So many times I still just wanna pick up the phone and call you to tell you about this or that, tell you I miss you. I still have your number in my phone, can't get myself to delete it. It's been over three years now, I should be at a point where I'm ok with how things are but I'm not, probably won't ever be. Life is what it is, for the most part I've adjusted ok. Things have changed so much since you left. I've already told you most of these. Me n Shaun broke up again, for good, for the better. We lost our house. Mom has retired and moved and is enjoying being retired. My son moved almost 1000 miles away from me and I have no idea when I'll see him again. I found a guy that absolutely truly loves me and I'm absolutely crazy about him too. I've learned that time is like a band-aid that covers your wounds letting them heal at their own pace. You never get over it but thru it. Mitch Albom has a book called The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Saying there are 5 ppl who have the most impact or influence on your life. 5 people who are on your path that somehow mold or change your life. I think my 5 ppl are you, mom, Robbie, Joe, and idk my fifth. I'll have to think about that. Shaun was a big part of my life but I don't think he's my fifth. He's a chapter in my story but I think that's all. I wonder who you woulda said were your five. 

Mom went on her cruise this week. This has been the longest week ever not being able to talk to her. She's sent me a msg here and there telling me where she is but we didn't really get to talk. I guess this is what it's gonna be like when she comes home to you except there'll be no messages. I've missed her a lot this week. Can't wait to hear all about her adventure. We're taking Snick home to her in a couple weeks. Looking forward to seeing her, spending a little time together. Weather able she's gonna come the whole week of Thanksgiving. My boss is gonna let me be off almost the whole time she's here. Gonna have to work 9 straight to be able to do that but it'll be worth it. Her and I don't spend enough time together. 

I don't know a whole lot else. I miss you dad. I feel you walk with me at times and those are good days. We went to Harbor Freight tools the other day, remembered how you liked that place. Joe said he thinks it could become one of his favorite places. I think sometimes how you and Joe woulda got along famously. He is pretty amazing. :) Guess I'll go for now. I love you daddy (forehead kiss) talk to you in a little bit. 

August 12

Hi daddy. How be you? I'm doing ok. Wish I could just call instead of this. But this is all I got besides memories. I don't know a whole lot. Life is good. I'm happy. I still find Joe absolutely amazing. Crazy how one person can make your upside down world all right side up again. He is a blessing and a joy. He keeps your daughter so happy and is taking excellent care of her. My birthday is Thursday. Idk what he has planned but I'm sure it'll be great. Think we'll go to Red Robin for lunch then ima make BBQ ribs n potato salad for my bday dinner. Joe might make my cake, might buy one. Be cheaper to maybe buy one. Idk. Rob is sending me something. A card or picture he drew.

 Mom is gonna get Snick back in October. I was really hoping it would work out with him with us. Having other animals to be around and us to give him attention. He's become so introverted since you left. He acts like he's been beat or idk, so sad all the time. I think losing you did more to his psyche then we can see. He pants a lot for like no reason. Is so stubborn about going out. Hides when there is the slightest amount of noise. He's just so odd. So different. It's sad cuz he used to be such a happy puppy with you. Joe tells him he's not a dog. He's not, we know, but he's not being the Snick you knew either. I think it might do both mom and him good to be back together. I'm sure it must be quiet being in her house all alone. Snick makes an excellent door bell. I'd feel better knowing she's got a little protection. He may think mom disappeared too. 

Work is going good. Joe's too. Life is just pretty alright right now. Today I was talking to my boss and she asked about how the store looked this morning and I told her. I didn't want to cuz it's becoming a broken record, Chase or Josh not doing something.. She said I consistently have good closes. That made me feel good. We talked about assistant manager and she said the position is mine.  I just need a little more time being shift manager then I'll get the books. Excited cuz it means salary and insurance! So, for once in my life, well, in a long time, I have a goal and ima reach it too! ;) 

I don't know much else. I miss you so much dad. How I wish you were still physically here but it's nice knowing you are always with me, watching over me. Guess I'll go for now. I love you papa. (Forehead kiss) Talk to you in a little bit.